Hi LMSM ! A PM ? I'm not sure. I think I received and answered each and everyone you sent so if you have sent another recently, I may not have gotten it ?
Yeah it's true you went there with your first sway. But it seems you may be able to attempt for #4.
DH is saying he is scared about having four kids so this might be our very last chance and now it's on the way... I would have maybe been able to get through it had I been the only one in the neighboor TTC around that time. But like I said, yesterday I met some other moms whose girls go to the same school as mine (so we meet basically every day, either at school or in the park) and... they all TTC, all got BFP and since they're further along than I am, already got gender scans... which were all blue ! The fact that these are pink moms that I meet and will meet everyday for years to come is what's killing me more than the fear of having failed my sway. It's something to sway, fail, and fight the comments and taunts and depression on your own while envying strangers you encounter on the street... It will be something on another level to have to meet and talk, every little day, to successfull pink moms-turned-purple moms. Like being knifed daily. I'm not strong enough to bear that kind of pain cause I know much too well how it feels already.
Little story goes that when I was 20, my boyfriend of 5 years whom I was supposed to move in with dumped me by email and at the same time, coincidentally, all my best friends found their soulmates -> hence moving in, getting engaged, even TTC for the ones most in a hurry. So sure, back then I still had lots of time, lots of opportunities and stuff and I did meet DH "only" 3 years later... But during these 3 years, it hurt so much.
Maybe I'll love a third girl ? But I tried the thought about "son-in-laws" and "grandsons" and it just makes me more sad. It's all well and such but these will be other women's sons. I'll never be number 1 in their hearts, only 2, 3, even 4... And I'm very tired of being 2, 3, 4... These won't be my sons. There will always be another woman. And I don't want there to be another woman, unless it's their wife because it's natural.
Also I've seen first hand how faithful and dutiful sons can be to their moms, even when the latters are junkies, alcoholics, mentally ill, abusive... I've helped plenty of my male friends deal with these "mothers" that were only "mothers" in name. I helped them clean them, put them to bed, nurse them, hold their hands while they were delirious and hurling abuse at everyone then noone. I held these boys while they cried on my shoulder, afraid of what the future might bring, torn at seeing their moms in such a state. Some did let go, got their mothers into an institution crying all the way and carried on with their lives. Some are still helping and nursing them and trying to get them clean even now. Heck, my DH IS one of them ! And it took his mother suddenly jumping on me and trying to hurt me in a delusional fit to finally convince him to let go, cut ties, let his uncle and grandfather handle things and get the two of us out of here !
Were all these men grateful for my help ? Yes absolutely. Did they help and love me in return ? Yes, without the shadow of a doubt. But obviously lmao, I am not so dear that they would dump everything for me in a heartbeat. That... is for their mothers only. And I don't blame them for it, I find it beautiful.
That's the kind of love I want and am hoping to get.
I witnessed all that, went through all that alongside men my age, then had to wake up in the morning and go study/work and got to hear daughters, you know ? Peaceful, wonderful, loving daughters all rainbows and sunshines... criticize their clean, hard-working, average mothers because they were never good enough for them. Never affectionate enough, never present enough, never pretty enough, never successful enough... Always bad and hurtful words associated to these women that gave them life, because these daughters didn't like the way they did their hair, because the poor moms mistakenly gifted them a book they already had, because these daughters found their moms hobbies and tastes laugheable... Me without a mom, out of comforting a man all night that was enduring hell because of an abusive or sick mother, had to listen to that. See them cut their moms out of their lives over little things, little fights... while my male friends were here, praying for their mothers to be clean and/or healthy enough to attend their wedding... Slowly I started to fear the very idea of having a daughter, because I know I'm already very very low on the scale of "perfect woman", so, what will my daughters say of me in a few years ? Will they be so ashamed, right or wrong, that they will want me out of their lives forever ?
And the only non-abusive daughters I met had another kind of problem : codependency. Very high scale too. I mean their mothers basically ruled their whole lives. Got to decide which man they could wed, where to go for their holidays, what clothes to wear, what food to it, what house to buy... I'm not joking, it was that bad ! Some mothers abused that power oc, but others were trying hard to get their daughter out of it, not knowing when their bond had become such that it led to that kind of situation... and not knowing how to resolve that. But each time they would try to put a little distance between their daughters and them, each-time they would enroll me to try and coach these girls to breath without someone else's okay, it ended in the girls having a total meltdown. Sometimes they were breaking down in such tiny pieces because "mommy" had not answered their call or told them to decide on their own that even I was afraid we would have to get them checked into a hospital. Scary scenes, scary times.
And now I have two daughters to worry about, maybe three >< ! So yeah, a son would be nice for a change. I will have other worries for him, but just the fact that they will be different is a relief somehow ? It's hard to explain.