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November 9th, 2019, 11:19 AM
#251
Swaying Advice Coach
I do think it can play a part but it also may have been partly hormonal. Let's cut back some on the salt and see if it clears up, if not we should get you in for a blood pressure check.
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November 22nd, 2019, 05:10 PM
#252
Dream Vet
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January 31st, 2020, 08:47 AM
#253
Big Dreamer
Feeling anxious today. I crossed paths at the lab with some moms from my daughters' school. Turns out we were all getting a blood-check for the same reasons, ie : pregnancy. Some I didn't even know were ttc and they are so thin they don't show at all. Turns out I'm the youngest pregnancy, they are further along than I am. Turns out they also already had their gender scans and all are pregnant with boys after one or two girls...
Maybe that should encourage me ? But it's actually the reverse. I've been getting increasingly stressed and depressed as my day goes.
I don't want to be the failure, the one stain on the "team"'s spotless record of successfully if not consciously swaying blue. And I realize also... if I get an opposite, that means YEARS of having to watch all these moms with their long-awaited sons in their arms while I'm holding a third daughter. This will be mental torture, this frightens me even more than hearing the new of my baby's gender.
And no I can't talk about this to someone. Swaying is taboo, swaying is illegal. It equates you to a nazi. If I talk, even to a shrink, I can end up locked up in an asylum. It's actually a very real threat. And there's no getting out if you get sent there by a doctor. The family can't appeal to the decision. Only the prefect of the region can cancel it.
I know we are advised not to sway if we can't stand the idea of an opposite, but I have no other option. I'm not strong enough to accept fate. High Tech is illegal, NIPT is illegal. It will cost me a fortune to do them abroad and though I'm willing to go that far if needed, I'm not sure I can afford it. Nor can I afford to have five to ten children in the hopes of finally getting a boy.
Well I know I'm emotional because hormones and that it is of no use to worry now because it's done, nothing will change and I'm just feeling uselessly awful. But while I admit I did account for having a girl and feeling bad watching blue moms (which is sad enough already), I had never thought of the possibility of having ALL my pregnant pink neighboors give birth to boys the very year of my BFP ! There is something so hurtful about watching someone you know well have a baby boy vs some stranger in the city... Sometimes it almost feels like some divine threat, like "See ? I will send everyone their DG EXCEPT you ! Have fun !".
It already happened to me two years ago, people getting married, pregnant, winning the lottery and stuff without trying while I had to deal with assault and financial loss. It was horrible then, all these good news while I was going through such hard times alone, being accused of not being happy enough for others, being selfish, when I was not being victim-shamed for the assault...
I won't be able to endure that kind of unbalanced situation twice.
Sorry for the wall of text and the whining but had to dump that somewhere. Thank you for enduring it.
2014 ------- surprise
2016
Dreaming of a
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January 31st, 2020, 12:44 PM
#254
Swaying Advice Coach
I "have to" tell people not to sway if they can't stand the idea of an opposite just to weed out the people who approach swaying as a sure thing, but believe me, I completely understand there are a LOT of people, particularly blue swayers who are in a pretty dire set of circumstances - can't go HT and MUST have a boy for cultural or personal reasons. I do totally get that and please do not let my blanket warning I have to give out, be upsetting to you. I completely and totally understand that in many cases even when you feel you can't accept an opposite, it may be worth the risk.
For what it is worth, that is still the thing that bothers me to this very day. Everyone I know in the real world just seems to be handed a boy and a girl just that easily, and then they act as if they've cured cancer just by getting pregnant twice and happening to get lucky. It absolutely feels very personal, when it took me 20 years to get one girl, and I had to move heaven and earth to do it. That has gotten better as my kids are older (my 4th boy is just lovely and I have come to think of him as a "bonus" I would not have gotten otherwise) but it does still sting me sometimes.
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January 31st, 2020, 02:01 PM
#255
Big Dreamer
Originally Posted by
atomic sagebrush
I "have to" tell people not to sway if they can't stand the idea of an opposite just to weed out the people who approach swaying as a sure thing, but believe me, I completely understand there are a LOT of people, particularly blue swayers who are in a pretty dire set of circumstances - can't go HT and MUST have a boy for cultural or personal reasons. I do totally get that and please do not let my blanket warning I have to give out, be upsetting to you. I completely and totally understand that in many cases even when you feel you can't accept an opposite, it may be worth the risk.
For what it is worth, that is still the thing that bothers me to this very day. Everyone I know in the real world just seems to be handed a boy and a girl just that easily, and then they act as if they've cured cancer just by getting pregnant twice and happening to get lucky. It absolutely feels very personal, when it took me 20 years to get one girl, and I had to move heaven and earth to do it. That has gotten better as my kids are older (my 4th boy is just lovely and I have come to think of him as a "bonus" I would not have gotten otherwise) but it does still sting me sometimes.
Don't worry atomic, I understand the reasons behind your warning and it's not unsettling to me. You're right to remind people that things are never 100%, not to get their hopes too high for fear of terrible disappointment if it fails. It's the same with a treatment, with chir... You "have to" warn people that it may not work, that it may kill them still, even if the chances of that are less than 10%. It worries people more about little cures or going to a hospital but of course you can't let them think it will be 100% all roses and sunshines.
Tbh, we can still die in childbirth, we are told but there are so so many mothers here, so many men and women, who still think it CAN'T happen, it's only 3% or something... Imagine if we were told it was 100% without risks, the shock and betrayal would feel a hundred times worse.
Yeah it is bothersome, understandable but bothersome. When things have come easily for you, be it children, marriage, money, whatever, you have a hard time understanding it doesn't come that easily for other people. You have to make a real effort to just think that it may not be their fault, to remember that there's a part of luck in everything. And so many people are too lazy to make that small effort. In doing so they hurt unlucky others much more sometimes than what has already befallen them.
Maybe some people sway. They won't tell and I can't know. They may fear as much as I the taboo that hovers over it. But some just don't think. They wake up and decide "I want another child" and on they go, switching gender on their way to BFP. It looks so easy that it is generally thought as normal, we are almost literally taught that's the way things should naturally go. You understand it when having a second child of the same gender as the first. The surprised stares, the gaping mouths. As subtle as they are, you see that maybe 95% of people you tell are honestly shocked into a few seconds of silence that it didn't switch. And then you think you may be broken after all. And THEY think you must be too. It's obvious in their little "jokes" : "oh you must have quite the recipe for boy/girl", "aw too bad you can't exchange babies like you can a gift that was offered to you twice by mistake".
"It's not natural" they are thinking "something is wrong with her", "what else is wrong with her ?", "is it contagious ?"...
For the more rude ones, you can almost hear "is she even human ?".
And yeah, they act as if they cured cancer. You can see that when they take time to come and hurl abuse at people swaying on forums. It's very frequent on french forums, the illegal side of the thing making them think they are some kind of "maternity" vigilantes.
Cherry on the cake when the abuse comes from the sterile ones, the neighbooring "IVF" forums. I've yet to see swayers take time off to go harrass sterile couples. I've seen plenty of the latters coming to harrass us instead of checking their next IVF appointment. We shut up because we think about the hell they are going through and don't want to add to the pain.
2014 ------- surprise
2016
Dreaming of a
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January 31st, 2020, 03:09 PM
#256
im keeping everything crossed that this is your boy Sora im in the UK and talking about swaying is a no-go here too.
I remember when i had my first 4 boys (the last 3 after we had lost our longed for girl) everyone was pregnant with girls, all my friends were having girls and most didnt even want a baby.
These babies were drunken 1 night stand conceptions with men they had never met before or "whoops" baby's with their new boyfriend. There was even one girl who id known all through school who got 2 perfect healthy girls during this time while being a heroin addict!! It was agonising watching them all effortlessly get girls while i was the only one with boys and not just 1 or 2 but 4, i also felt like something must be wrong with me.
how long until you can find out gender?
now 6blue5pink
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January 31st, 2020, 05:02 PM
#257
Hi Sora! I’m keeping my fingers crossed for you too and sending you all my blue dust!!! Let us know how you go!!! Xxx
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
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January 31st, 2020, 09:15 PM
#258
Dream Vet
Sora, i was thinking about you just Now and thought I’d check the forum...and here is a post from you ( bizarre timing hehe) ..congrats, didn’t know you were pregnant! Did you get my PM a while back??
When are you due?
I really hope you get your boy
I understand your angst..been there, done that... know that if it’s a girl, beyond the stereotypes, the taboos, the comments... You will love that baby fiercely , hang on to that, please .. ((I was in a dark place, some of my in laws and other people in France were excessively negative about #3 BUT I have found some peace now she’s almost two, she’s my surprise gem, my cuddle koala.. I could never regret her. I do miss “MY” son, but I hope that one day I’ll have lots of grandsons and sons in law etc ... I still hope for #4 to be a boy, once we do ttc...but will be team green to just enjoy my last pregnancy!))
And if it’s a boy, cerise sur le gâteau! please keep us posted
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February 1st, 2020, 04:57 AM
#259
Big Dreamer
Originally Posted by
4blue2pink
im keeping everything crossed that this is your boy Sora
im in the UK and talking about swaying is a no-go here too.
I remember when i had my first 4 boys (the last 3 after we had lost our longed for girl) everyone was pregnant with girls, all my friends were having girls and most didnt even want a baby.
These babies were drunken 1 night stand conceptions with men they had never met before or "whoops" baby's with their new boyfriend. There was even one girl who id known all through school who got 2 perfect healthy girls during this time while being a heroin addict!! It was agonising watching them all effortlessly get girls while i was the only one with boys and not just 1 or 2 but 4, i also felt like something must be wrong with me.
how long until you can find out gender?
I understand so much 4blue2pink ! Two years ago that was kinda what happened to me. We were TTC already and yelding BFN after BFN and then suddenly, all around us, people were getting married and having sons. These were people who were very vocal about never getting married or having children, who never missed an occasion to criticize marriage as a boring custom of the past or children as an annoyance that cost money ! They tended to mock my dreams of getting married (religiously) and having more than one child. And suddenly, while I was still begging atheist DH to go through with a religious wedding (cause it is important to me, just having a paper saying we're husband and wife feels lacking) and trying to convince him that swaying was not just a weird idea, here these people go and suddenly change their minds (though sometimes they were pressured into it by their religious family or in-laws). And here I am, receiving their pictures of fairy tale weddings (with "coincidentally" every little detail I had ever dreamed for mine) and gorgeous baby boys... It was agony. I felt a mix of anger and pain and DH didn't help because he ended up saying "Can you just stop envying other people's lives FFS ? Who cares what they are up to ?". Worse was my BFF from high school, who had been unfaithfull to her then fiance, then dumped him because he wanted to go back to France while she wanted to stay and live in UK... But when he came begging her to take him back, with a brand new high-paid job and a house, suddenly she was all okay about a church wedding (despite being an atheist who loathed churches) and having a kid (despite being one of these people who claimed soundly that children were a pain). It honestly killed me inside so I can imagine only too well how you felt having to watch heroin addicts get girls !
But now you have them, it must be a relief. I wish I could one day feel that relief and I'm so scared I will never ever get to know that peace of mind.
2014 ------- surprise
2016
Dreaming of a
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February 1st, 2020, 05:00 AM
#260
Big Dreamer
Originally Posted by
Thirdtimelucky01
Hi Sora! I’m keeping my fingers crossed for you too and sending you all my blue dust!!! Let us know how you go!!! Xxx
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Thank you Third ! I'll only get the gender scan in one month and a half
2014 ------- surprise
2016
Dreaming of a
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