Originally Posted by
Throwaway_panther
Dreams I have found can be exceptionally cruel.
In late December of last year, very early January of this year while we waited on the PGS results from our first IVF cycle (where only 2 embryos had survived), I woke from the most vivid dream of my life, and it was of twin boys. I had every detail of labor (giving birth on all fours, though only remembering giving birth to one) before seeing them as small children. Two small blonde boys, one silent while the other told me, "You're our mommy!" I lived a whole early life with them. I woke from that dream with a feeling I don't know if I'll ever get back -- the only thing I think that could ever satisfy that feeling is to actually have my son. And there is always this ache for twin boys since then, too.
Our PGS results came back: 1 normal XX, 1 abnormal XY. Clearly weren't my twin boys. We said we'd immediately start another cycle, and waited for DH to return from an out of town trip. We were not TTC.
I accidentally got pregnant. And we found out it was twins essentially right as I lost them.
That dream, and that month, will forever haunt me. And while I have a friend who is very "in touch" with spiritual things point out that my dream happened right at the time I'm due with this baby now, and apparently there is a book about "spirit babies" reaching us in dreams and that was prophetic -- I just don't believe in any of that, especially not anymore. Especially when by that logic, this very vivid dream of a dark eyed/dair haired copy of my DD would imply that's my spiritual baby too, right? Sometimes I'll pity myself and think it's my already existing XX -- our healthy, frozen girl embryos I swore I would consider if I could just get my boy first. But I am definitely not one of those people who gives myself false hope ;) Based on atomic's rec, I am definitely someone who could go Team Green forever haha. I never actually think I'm going to get what I want.
Except I thought I would before the cycle I conceived this baby. I wonder where that feeling came from. It seems so far away and foreign now.
But I also had a dream that left me with immense peace a few weeks ago where I met my (also dark haired) son as a teenager. And that dream had a lot wrapped up in it, too (it was a recurring anxiety dream I have, only HE was in it and I was struck in the dream of, 'Oh, I'm breaking this dream cycle!').
I think this is the heartbroken atheist's (me) attempt to grasp any sort of control or foresight and I'm just left sad either way.