Am I really selfish?

[lisvna]

I will try to make my story short....
After the birth of my son (with an emergency c section)I said never again a baby! He was born with streptococen b and we didnt know if he would make it. He must stay for at least 10 days in the hospital. Then after a few weeks he was diagnosed as a crybaby and he also had sever reflux. He was hospitalized for two weekd again. He did get medicines for that but it didn't help much. I got a depression because of all those things (and I'm diagnosed with ADHD too).

We always wanted 3 kids but after this experience I didn't want any kids anymore. After a year when everything has settled a little my husband told me he wanted more kids. I started to think about it too and I told him I dont want this nightmare anymore. But then I decided if I can get a girl then I'm willing to do it again but we have to be sure it's a girl. So we decided to do IVF/pgd and spermsort with dr Savvas in South Cyprus. We conceived our son very quickly so we thought we were very fertile.

Our first try went very bad the embryos developed poor and they had sever fragmentation. Savvas thought maybe I had endometriosis but I have no symptoms at all! It was a bfn.

Our second try in April was almost the same story. It was so bad we thougt it would be no transfer. Because i knew my husband wanted more kids and we didnt want our son to be alone and i didn't want to be selfish and i thought maybe i cant get pregant at all i said okay we have one boy in the feezer we put him back. But in the end like a surprise we had 2 hatching blasts xy and 2 blasts xx.

We put 4 embryos back because we didn't mind twins or more. We hoped for at least one girl.....

Im 6 weeks pregnant now And it looks like we have just 1.

I'm soooo scared its a boy and deep down I still don't want a boy. I don't want to go thru that hell again for a boy! That was not the first reason to do the ivf/pgd! I'm so angry at my husband that he didnt remind me why we did the ivf/pgd in the first place im so angry that he tells me I'm selfish. I put back the boys too because I wanted a sibling for my son and another child for my husband. I thought i couldnt get pregnant at all. At that time I wasn't selfish! But now I regret this decision.....is it so bad to be selfish in this kind of decisions? Am I really a bad person? I even think about abortion even that I dont know what the gender is. And I'm shocked with my own reaction because I'm against abortion! I hope it's a miscarriage then I don't have to think about abortion. I'm angry with myself that i wasn't selfish enough to decide just to transfer the girls. But I don't want to be a selfish person!

My husband wants to do ivf/pgd/ spermsort over and over untill we have a girl. But that's not my point! I'm so scared to give birth again and the whole thing after that (c section, depression, crybaby etc).....I'm scared I can't to it just for a boy....

It looks like everybody gets their desired gender like that with ivf/pgd and I'm the only one who has no guarantee and has to wait untill at least 13 weeks.... I hate my life right now !

My husband is so angry at me he wants to divorce me if I will do an abortion.

We were perfectly happy with our relationship and our son, why wasn't this enough? Why did we want more kids? Now this whole thing distroid our lifes....

I hate myself right now, I even don't want to live anymore.....

[secretly sad]

Aww lisvna I don't know what to say. First of all you don't know for sure it is a boy yet, it could easily be a wee girl. You are not selfish at all and please don't think that. I must say I was a little surprised that you put the boys back in but I think at the time you probably panicked a bit after Savvas mentioning endometriosis. You love your little boy even after all the hiccups at the start, right?? So you will love another little boy if this is the case and remember that colic and reflux etc etc doesn't last forever. I wish there was something I could do to help. You just have to sit tight for just now and pray with all your heart that it is a pink bean you have. Fx that it is. Thinking of you xxxx

[angel in a pink sky]

I am sorry you are so sad. You have a lot of pressure on you right now. You had a completely scary birth and then bad infant experience, two failed cycles, and now the unknown of who this baby is and what it will bring. You need to be kind to yourself for the next six weeks. Go out with friends, go shopping do anything you like to do that you did before you had kids until you find out the gender of this baby. I know I sounds trivial giving what you are dealing with but it will help you get through the next six weeks and then once you find out then we will be here to celebrate if it is a girl or to listen if it is a boy.

No two babies are the same: My first cried all the time and I believed I hated the infant sage because I had such a rough time. I was scared to death of my second and he was an angel. I hear this all the time. Trust me our second will be different.

As for putting back both genders I find it amazing you put yourself aside and did it for our son and husband. I understand now you are a little resentful of the decision but don't loose hope until you know for sure what this baby is. When you want to yell at your husband come on here and talk to us. Give him a six week break as well. I know it is easier said than done to turn off your mind and to have a baby in our belly that you have so many mixed emotions about right now but just try to take it one day at time.

[Flava]

Just because your first baby boy had problems that doesn't mean another boy will have the same!
And it could be a baby girl!
But if my DH would say things like this I would be so angry and i would tell him what I think who is really selfish!Sounds to me he is the one who is selfish , sorry...he want's to do ivf forever till you got a girl ,(it's not like he is doing it anyway, right?) divorce if things not like he want's them ect. WTH?After all you went through how can he say that?
You should talk to him and tell him how you feel.
I really hope it's a healthy baby this time for you with no problems at all and hopefully a girl!XX

[lisvna]

Thank you girls! It means a lot to me! We are both very emotional people (especially I'm with my ADHD). So we react strongly on eachother with this kind of things......I really can't complain about my husband. He is doing a lot in the household and a lot with our son. He is a great husband and a great father. But I'm so angry and sad (probably the pregnancy hormones are killing me right now). It looks like I fail with everything in my life and even with this......

[Hobbermittens]

You have been through so much! I am so sorry it has been this hard for you. Don't give up hope yet--the baby very well could be a girl. From my experience, GD is very bad in the first few weeks of pregnancy, but as the baby gets bigger and you can bond with it, you will feel better. I don't think you are selfish at all for wanting a daughter! You can't control how you feel.

[Waiting4Daisy]

I really think this is less of a GD issue and more of almost a post traumatic stress thing based on a really horrible pregnancy last time round. I know someone who had such a horrible birth that her husband chose to be sterilised as she could not handle doing that again. I had a not very nice birth experience with my first son (not horrendous by any means but not ideal) and it put me off having a baby for a good while even though I knew I wanted more children. I also found him a very difficult, clingy infant, although he is now almost 5 and honestly one of the loveliest children I have ever encountered (and his earlier clinginess now manifests as a very sensitive nature which means he is so caring and kind).

Much of this reason I think I had GD with DS2 was thinking it was all going to be the same as DS1. He was an unplanned pregnancy and I was very anxious throughout. But DS2 was a dream birth and a much easier baby and that made me want another very quickly after! DS3 was a different baby again and a different birth experience - it really is different each time. I hope that you are carrying a baby girl but if not, I'm sure there is a very good chance especially after doing PGD that you have a healthy baby in there! Can you consider having some sort of councilling to help you deal with your birth issues as I can't imagine how frightened you must be of going through that experience again. Big hugs xxx

[lisvna]

I think you have a good point here! I love boys in fact I always preferred a boy and I was very happy when I found out his gender. His birth and everything after that was really traumatic for me, this afternoon my husband mentioned it too.....I think you are right that I'm scared that it would be the same. Maybe that's the reason why I want a girl so it would be totally different. I think my (pregnancy) hormones are really playing with me because now I'm very calm again and it feels like it doesn't matter if it's a boy.....strange huh?!?! Is it because of my ADHD I react like that? A few weeks ago they diagnosed it so it's pretty new to me all....

[jils04]

Oh you poor thing. You are definitely not selfish. You are actually a very giving caring person for risking the gender and putting them all back in ! You care about your son and husband before yourself. I hope you get whats best for you and don't worry about the same thing happening again. Ive never heard of two horrible birth experiences and difficult babies in a row.
Hugs

[girlmom]

if you put back 4 and only 1 took then remember he/she is a miracle and a blessing. i actually read an atical recently that says most the time boys don't take as they are fragile and not nearly as hearty and as strong as female embryos. most of the time we miscarry its a boy to create a more even male to female ratio. so fx a stong girl took but if a boy took he must have been sent to you for a reason and i know once he's here you will love him every bit as much as you love your son.
p.s. girls have acid reflus too, dd2 and dd5 and dd6 all had it plus dd2 had colic. just because they have a vagina doesn't mean they don't cry. hope you hear girl anyway though.

[Cinss]

Each pregnancy is different and unique. Don't tell yourself that history will repeat, it won't. I know it is very hard to pull yourself out of this emotional state, but life will get better, this will pass. When you have your darling baby i your arms all of this will feel like an eternity ago, and you will be in love with the beautiful little life that you and your husband created.

[begonia]

Hugs hun; I agree with so many others, you really aren't selfish in this situation at all. You've been through so much with your son, with IVF, and now with pregnancy hormones that it isn't surprising you're experiencing some intense emotions. Boy or girl (but FX girl!) I think that a year from now you'll be grateful you had another baby, especially when you see your children together ... it's a precious sight :HH:

[Waiting4Daisy]

I'm sure your ADHD will be a huge contributing factor in your yoyo-ing emotions. You are frightened and no wonder, you had a horrible birthing experience last time. Anyone would be scared to do it again under those circumstances. But everyone is right, each baby and birth is different. Try to get closure on your last traumatic birth and move on from there, you don't want it to destroy this new birth experience. Can you speak to your care provider and recommend a course of action this time? Maybe you will even be able to opt for an elective C-section (if you would prefer this) or ask to try a VBAC, whatever you prefer. This may not be much comfort but think about it, you and your precious son survived one of the worst birth experiences you can have. You are both amazingly strong people. As they say, it's always darkest before the dawn, I'm hoping and praying you have a perfect birth experience this time xxxx

[lisvna]

I spoke to my gyneacologist and I have to come to the hospital and then I get an c section. So I'm not scared for that anymore. I don't know what it exactly is.....today I'm totally fine if it's a boy. My emotions going up and down (I never experienced that!). I'm nuts hihihihi!

[nuthinbutpink]

I know you are an intelligent person and I know you have followed many cycles on here and elsewhere. So, I know you understood all the possible outcomes when you chose to put back both boys and girls. I think you have to go back to that moment where you wanted a baby, any baby, for your family. That certainly was not selfish at that moment.

I think that if this cycle has worked out and a healthy baby is the end result, there is no reason to think it can't work again. The endometriosis diagnosis was a joke. Ridiculous. You're not the first to have that mystery diagnosis blamed for a poor cycle by Savvas. He should have never let you put back 4 embryos at your age. He and you are lucky that your health isn't in jeopardy now because of that decision. Had he not allowed it, my guess is you would have only put back the 2 females and been able to let that unfold first before you went back for any males. Dr Savvas failed you. Not your DH.

It could be a boy or girl. It's anyone's guess. My best HB did not implant. Hopefully your best blasts didn't and you are carrying your DD now. Either way, you will be okay. You only have one child, you are very young and you have plenty of time ahead of you to go again if you have to. If worst case scenario is a brother for your DS, you will be okay. That is an awesome gift to give him and the furthest thing from selfish.

[Grandma-Ama]

My Dear lisvna; it is so true about 2nd babies, my first cried so much in the hospital that I called the nurse in (this was 1970) to take her back to the nursery! When we got home she cried and cried and I cried and cried!! But my 2nd daughter was an angel! I think God knew I needed a break!

Please do not despare ! Is there someone you could talk to; a councilor; clergy, etc? I am really worried about, sweetie. Like "angel in a pink sky" said you are NOT selfish at all! you did what you did for your husband and son, you love them so much and you will love this baby also! Your hormones are going wild right now, you will be feeling better real soon!! PLEASE!!!! Remember that! If you are a religious person trust in the Lord that He will give you the strength to indure this, ask for His help!

I have 6 grandsons and I wanted a granddaughter with all my heart....My daughter is having a boy she's 4mths pg! I saw him sucking his little thumb and my heart melted and yours will too when you see him or her. I have to admit I had a little crying spell in private for about 15 minutes today (her gender u/s scan was yesterday) but when I went to mass this evening and I ask God to forgive me for being "spoiled" because He has given me 6 healthly grandson's!

This will pass with you also...I will keep you in my prayers, Jesus will know who I'm praying for!

[wilma_five]

I don't come to this site ao often as I did as you know but I really want to react on this topic!

I want you to close your eyes a moment and go back to that moment when you putted the four of them back. Try to connect to the feelings again at that time. You will feel it again!

I know you will love everything that comes out. I suffered bad GD with my last 4 but I love them so much it's sometimes even hurts. I cannot live without them! You will love a little boy and you're heart will melt seeing your hubsband loving him to. If it's a boy you did not fail! Truly not! It's not A boy but YOUR boy! Made from you and your loving DH. Please don't drive him away, he sounds great!!!!

There is a still a really good chance this is a little girl. Why not! Why shouldn't it be your turn?
I think the ADHD, hormones, post traumatic stress and not being sure abnout the outcome is messing with your head. I sure would mess with my head. You're a human not a robot, give yourself a break!

FX for a girl in there and if not then you will have a BBG family! That would be great to!

[Indira]

Hugs lisvna

I agree with NBP about not blaiming your husband but blaiming your dr. You were in a very vulnerable moment, your dr. should have been the one to remind you you went there for GS in the first place.

My DS2 is the opposite of Ds1, and between 6 months and 3 years he has been the most adorable child, everything I expected a girl to be. Affectionate, calm, able to play alone, a good mood everyday, he sings all day long, just a happy child. Now at 3,5 he has decided to turn into a nightmare but that´s another story lol. So if it´s a boy it could be a total different experience. And you still have 50% change it´s a girl and it can still be twins too! Hope you´re feeling better.

[lisvna]

Thank you for those words! 2 boys and a girl would me amazing and it doesn't matter to me in which order. But im so scared if this would be a boy and HT wouldn't work next time I will never get a girl too......

[lisvna]

About dr Savvas....because it was unsure if I could get pregnant because of my bad embryos (they were severe fragmented and it looked like it was due to endometriosis) the idea was to get pregnant anyway (because we wanted more children) so the eggs would me better after so long no menstruation..... So I think it isnt really the blame on dr Savvas.......

[auroara78]

Lisvna,

I am so glad to hear you are feeling better! My DS1 was a breeze and I was rushing my DH to have a 2nd, almost hounding him about it! He was strong in his stance of waiting, but we had an opps anyway. Because the preg. was so similiar (both pretty easy, DS2 ws easy) I was in for a shock when DS2 came home. He had failure to thrive for a while, milk protein allergy, had the worst colic, acid reflux, cried all the time....all that made me kind of resentful of him for a while because DS1 had been so easy.

DS2 turned 1 last week and he's starting to really show off his personality. I can really enjoy him, and now that he's walking, my DS1 and him are bonding so well...it melts my heart, really.

If this is a boy, you will be amazed at the wonderful feeling of two little men bonding together. Brothers are priceless, and while I really wanted a girl with DS2 (was very sad after we found out he was a boy), I woudln't trade it now for anything.

We are now expecting a girl in September, and I can tell u it's more of a relief that we'll have a girl since I was getting worried it might never happen.

Try to enjoy this pregnancy to the best of yoru ablilty and remember that every baby truly is different, even the same gender (I have two sons who are totally different!), and I truly & deeply hope you have an amzing experience bonding with the new baby and that he or she is easy and gives you a break from the rough start your DS1 had!

[Myloves]

My boys are total opposites too! Ds1 is/was much harder than ds2 (who is really easy at 5).

[fun family]

yes, I agree that every baby is different. My last baby boy is my easiest for sure! They were all different!

Also, knowing your story, I think its a blessing you didn't get pregnant with multiples. Really. I have twins--its SO SO hard that first year. Can you imagine two (or THREE??) crying and screaming babies? Two or three babies that might have reflux at once? Two babies getting up numerous times a night? Babies that are born 2 months premature so that they are in the needy newborn stage much longer? Twins are at higher risk for every developmental problem, causing a lot of stress to the mom. Triplets are even riskier.

Post partum depression is much more common and more SEVERE in moms of multiples. I think you dodged a bullet by getting pregnant with a singleton. I hope this next baby, boy or girl, will be easier for you!!

[lisvna]

Well this morning around 8 o clock I lost some dark/red (not brown) blood.... I'm scared right now so maybe it's over.....I'm not happy if that is the case. I realize that gender doesn't matter (but maybe I'm too late now....)

[Waiting4Daisy]

I bled bright red with all my healthy babies, and they are a thriving almost 5 year old, 2 and a half year old and 7 month old, with each I thought I was miscarrying. Please get a scan so they can see what is happening. With my first two I had SCH and with my third it appeared to be a vanishing twin. There are lots of reasons for bright red bleeding that do not mean the pregnancy is ending. Call your doctor as soon as you can x

[lisvna]

I called the doctor this morning but she was so busy I couldn't come. Tomorrow I will have a scan (it was already scheduled) and she said it wouldn't change a thing if I will cone today or tomorrow morning....

[Waiting4Daisy]

GL with your scan, hope that tricksy bub is just being naughty and that everything is well :-)

[glory]

I have to disagree, I would put some of the blame on the Dr. He is the one with the expierience, he is the one that deals with this day in and day out. He is the one that should have had a level head when you and your dh were not able to have one.

On your first cycle, you were able to freeze a boy, for you to get the the stage where something could be frozen, you were not infertile, you did not have endometriosis, to freeze an embryo, they have to have gotten to a pretty good stage.

In your first cycle, you transferred 2 and had 1 to freeze... this is not the ability to not have children again. He should of said, lets put the 2 XX's in, the 2 XY's are HB's, they will freeze fine and if the XX's don't work, you have the option then to come back and put the others in, when you had a chance to sit and think of it all logically.

I don't mean to upset you, but I don't think you should be putting all the blame on you or your dh right now. There were other more experienced people here who should have spoken up. I have also seen you post a little about how it never goes your way, I also think this isn't a good place for you to be in. This isn't about it going your way, it was about a choice. When you put 50% of each sex back in, you made a choice, it was nothing about luck.

With the sex, you won't know till your scan, you still have a chance of it being a girl. You also have to remember when you posted this and everyone was very shocked, you said many, many times that you didn't regret your decision. Try go back to that stage, when having a baby was the end result.

With the reflux, this I can tell you. My almost 8 year old still suffers severe reflux, so much so that the big gap between my kids was big because we were never sure whether we could go through it again. DS3, did have reflux and still does at 2.5 BUT it was a lot easier to manage. He was medicated earlier, we knew what was going on and it was no where near as stressful as when it was then. I think this will be the case boy or girl, if the baby has reflux. A lot of drs dismiss how hard it can be, but when you have been through it before, you speak up earlier and things are easier.

Good luck xoxo