lisvna
May 5th, 2012, 05:57 AM
I post it twice, also in the other section because I don't really know where it belongs.....
I will try to make my story short....
After the birth of my son (with an emergency c section)I said never again a baby! He was born with streptococen b and we didnt know if he would make it. He must stay for at least 10 days in the hospital. Then after a few weeks he was diagnosed as a crybaby and he also had sever reflux. He was hospitalized for two weekd again. He did get medicines for that but it didn't help much. I got a depression because of all those things (and I'm diagnosed with ADHD too).
We always wanted 3 kids but after this experience I didn't want any kids anymore. After a year when everything has settled a little my husband told me he wanted more kids. I started to think about it too and I told him I dont want this nightmare anymore. But then I decided if I can get a girl then I'm willing to do it again but we have to be sure it's a girl. So we decided to do IVF/pgd and spermsort with dr Savvas in South Cyprus. We conceived our son very quickly so we thought we were very fertile.
Our first try went very bad the embryos developed poor and they had sever fragmentation. Savvas thought maybe I had endometriosis but I have no symptoms at all! It was a bfn.
Our second try in April was almost the same story. It was so bad we thougt it would be no transfer. Because i knew my husband wanted more kids and we didnt want our son to be alone and i didn't want to be selfish and i thought maybe i cant get pregant at all i said okay we have one boy in the feezer we put him back. But in the end like a surprise we had 2 hatching blasts xy and 2 blasts xx.
We put 4 embryos back because we didn't mind twins or more. We hoped for at least one girl.....
Im 6 weeks pregnant now And it looks like we have just 1.
I'm soooo scared its a boy and deep down I still don't want a boy. I don't want to go thru that hell again for a boy! That was not the first reason to do the ivf/pgd! I'm so angry at my husband that he didnt remind me why we did the ivf/pgd in the first place im so angry that he tells me I'm selfish. I put back the boys too because I wanted a sibling for my son and another child for my husband. I thought i couldnt get pregnant at all. At that time I wasn't selfish! But now I regret this decision.....is it so bad to be selfish in this kind of decisions? Am I really a bad person? I even think about abortion even that I dont know what the gender is. And I'm shocked with my own reaction because I'm against abortion! I hope it's a miscarriage then I don't have to think about abortion. I'm angry with myself that i wasn't selfish enough to decide just to transfer the girls. But I don't want to be a selfish person!
My husband wants to do ivf/pgd/ spermsort over and over untill we have a girl. But that's not my point! I'm so scared to give birth again and the whole thing after that (c section, depression, crybaby etc).....I'm scared I can't to it just for a boy....
It looks like everybody gets their desired gender like that with ivf/pgd and I'm the only one who has no guarantee and has to wait untill at least 13 weeks.... I hate my life right now !
My husband is so angry at me he wants to divorce me if I will do an abortion.
We were perfectly happy with our relationship and our son, why wasn't this enough? Why did we want more kids? Now this whole thing distroid our lifes....
I hate myself right now, I even don't want to live anymore.....
I will try to make my story short....
After the birth of my son (with an emergency c section)I said never again a baby! He was born with streptococen b and we didnt know if he would make it. He must stay for at least 10 days in the hospital. Then after a few weeks he was diagnosed as a crybaby and he also had sever reflux. He was hospitalized for two weekd again. He did get medicines for that but it didn't help much. I got a depression because of all those things (and I'm diagnosed with ADHD too).
We always wanted 3 kids but after this experience I didn't want any kids anymore. After a year when everything has settled a little my husband told me he wanted more kids. I started to think about it too and I told him I dont want this nightmare anymore. But then I decided if I can get a girl then I'm willing to do it again but we have to be sure it's a girl. So we decided to do IVF/pgd and spermsort with dr Savvas in South Cyprus. We conceived our son very quickly so we thought we were very fertile.
Our first try went very bad the embryos developed poor and they had sever fragmentation. Savvas thought maybe I had endometriosis but I have no symptoms at all! It was a bfn.
Our second try in April was almost the same story. It was so bad we thougt it would be no transfer. Because i knew my husband wanted more kids and we didnt want our son to be alone and i didn't want to be selfish and i thought maybe i cant get pregant at all i said okay we have one boy in the feezer we put him back. But in the end like a surprise we had 2 hatching blasts xy and 2 blasts xx.
We put 4 embryos back because we didn't mind twins or more. We hoped for at least one girl.....
Im 6 weeks pregnant now And it looks like we have just 1.
I'm soooo scared its a boy and deep down I still don't want a boy. I don't want to go thru that hell again for a boy! That was not the first reason to do the ivf/pgd! I'm so angry at my husband that he didnt remind me why we did the ivf/pgd in the first place im so angry that he tells me I'm selfish. I put back the boys too because I wanted a sibling for my son and another child for my husband. I thought i couldnt get pregnant at all. At that time I wasn't selfish! But now I regret this decision.....is it so bad to be selfish in this kind of decisions? Am I really a bad person? I even think about abortion even that I dont know what the gender is. And I'm shocked with my own reaction because I'm against abortion! I hope it's a miscarriage then I don't have to think about abortion. I'm angry with myself that i wasn't selfish enough to decide just to transfer the girls. But I don't want to be a selfish person!
My husband wants to do ivf/pgd/ spermsort over and over untill we have a girl. But that's not my point! I'm so scared to give birth again and the whole thing after that (c section, depression, crybaby etc).....I'm scared I can't to it just for a boy....
It looks like everybody gets their desired gender like that with ivf/pgd and I'm the only one who has no guarantee and has to wait untill at least 13 weeks.... I hate my life right now !
My husband is so angry at me he wants to divorce me if I will do an abortion.
We were perfectly happy with our relationship and our son, why wasn't this enough? Why did we want more kids? Now this whole thing distroid our lifes....
I hate myself right now, I even don't want to live anymore.....