Selfish or not?

[lisvna]

I post it twice, also in the other section because I don't really know where it belongs.....

I will try to make my story short....
After the birth of my son (with an emergency c section)I said never again a baby! He was born with streptococen b and we didnt know if he would make it. He must stay for at least 10 days in the hospital. Then after a few weeks he was diagnosed as a crybaby and he also had sever reflux. He was hospitalized for two weekd again. He did get medicines for that but it didn't help much. I got a depression because of all those things (and I'm diagnosed with ADHD too).

We always wanted 3 kids but after this experience I didn't want any kids anymore. After a year when everything has settled a little my husband told me he wanted more kids. I started to think about it too and I told him I dont want this nightmare anymore. But then I decided if I can get a girl then I'm willing to do it again but we have to be sure it's a girl. So we decided to do IVF/pgd and spermsort with dr Savvas in South Cyprus. We conceived our son very quickly so we thought we were very fertile.

Our first try went very bad the embryos developed poor and they had sever fragmentation. Savvas thought maybe I had endometriosis but I have no symptoms at all! It was a bfn.

Our second try in April was almost the same story. It was so bad we thougt it would be no transfer. Because i knew my husband wanted more kids and we didnt want our son to be alone and i didn't want to be selfish and i thought maybe i cant get pregant at all i said okay we have one boy in the feezer we put him back. But in the end like a surprise we had 2 hatching blasts xy and 2 blasts xx.

We put 4 embryos back because we didn't mind twins or more. We hoped for at least one girl.....

Im 6 weeks pregnant now And it looks like we have just 1.

I'm soooo scared its a boy and deep down I still don't want a boy. I don't want to go thru that hell again for a boy! That was not the first reason to do the ivf/pgd! I'm so angry at my husband that he didnt remind me why we did the ivf/pgd in the first place im so angry that he tells me I'm selfish. I put back the boys too because I wanted a sibling for my son and another child for my husband. I thought i couldnt get pregnant at all. At that time I wasn't selfish! But now I regret this decision.....is it so bad to be selfish in this kind of decisions? Am I really a bad person? I even think about abortion even that I dont know what the gender is. And I'm shocked with my own reaction because I'm against abortion! I hope it's a miscarriage then I don't have to think about abortion. I'm angry with myself that i wasn't selfish enough to decide just to transfer the girls. But I don't want to be a selfish person!

My husband wants to do ivf/pgd/ spermsort over and over untill we have a girl. But that's not my point! I'm so scared to give birth again and the whole thing after that (c section, depression, crybaby etc).....I'm scared I can't to it just for a boy....

It looks like everybody gets their desired gender like that with ivf/pgd and I'm the only one who has no guarantee and has to wait untill at least 13 weeks.... I hate my life right now !

My husband is so angry at me he wants to divorce me if I will do an abortion.

We were perfectly happy with our relationship and our son, why wasn't this enough? Why did we want more kids? Now this whole thing distroid our lifes....

I hate myself right now, I even don't want to live anymore.....

[Zivic-Bubac]

Your feelings are completely normal :hugs:
Those were my thoughts when contemplating about possible 3rd child: we were good as a family of 4, DH doesn't have gender preferences, he's more about the quality of life :rolleyes: so why ruin that with another child?

But my desire for a boy was stronger, so we did it, and it's a girl :( Do I regret I even tried? In a way yes, but I know I would try at some point so it was just a matter of time. Am I looking forward to meet this girl? NO, I'M NOT!!! I'm pretty much depressed right now and I'm completely aware how selfish this might sound to many.
The only thing that keeps me going is a thought of a 4th try and a baby boy for me.

I think on this forum was a lady who did HT for girl, but she ended up with another boy, lab made some mistake or something, I don't know the end of the story.

Hang in there mom, it's not likely you'll have 2 difficult babies, I bet this one will be super cooperative :) and I hope with you it's a :XX: your cookin'in there! :luck:

[tinksmagic]

Lisvna,
I have to admit, when I read on the other forum you put back all 4 I was kinda like "huh??" but we've been together on this forum for a while now and I just want to give you as much reassurance as I can. SO here goes:

Each pregnancy is different, as is each labor! Believe me!!! After 4 successful ones (we won't mention the failed 2, see, done, lol), I can honestly say I thought #1 labor was bad, but #3 was the absolute worst!!! I wanted hubby to bleed!!!! #2 was the easiest in the world, he was my smallest child, but now the tallest. #4 I caved and got the epidural, I had 3 without drugs, I EARNED #4!!!

My 7yo DD is my GD baby (though kinda had it with DD 12, but I knew I had 1 more shot). I went through everything everyone on this forum goes through but once she was born, those blue eyes grabbed my heart and never let go! Even with her OCD, she's MINE!!!!! :)

Don't worry about labor, it's months and months away and it hopefully will go so smoothly you'll be thinking what I did after #4 was born. Now they send (or at least they did with me) a nurse in after you've had the baby to discuss birth control (again, since I had 4, they might've felt the NEED to talk to me about it, LMAO!!!) and I sat down next to the nurse, looked her square in the face and said, NO birth control for me, I'M HAVING MORE!!!! :) Again, that was 7 years ago.... who knew it would take us down this road....

Please be thankful you have 1 cooking, so many never even know the elation of a BFP! Hubby and I have also gone rounds over having more (7 years ago) and even though now we are in our position and our DD drives us bezerk he still is up for having the boys. It's great your hubby wants more too... that right there is a HUGE PLUS! You may or may not want more, that's personal, I never wanted 6, but now that I've had several years to think about it, it just sounds right. Who you are today is totally different from who you'll be in the future. You may decide twins next round will be just right!!! (My hubby agreed to 1 after 2 years of begging, now twins is "just fine" with him! People change :) )

Please never feel bad about this baby, at this point, so many women would just want a child, no matter what gender, and as much as it would suck not having your girl, (right now), your son may LOVE the fact he has a little brother (or not, my girls would love to be only children). The important part right now is that the baby is healthy. We often look at children with chromosomal defects and count our blessings we didn't have our sons. We know there will be nothing to save our marriage if we have a child we aren't prepared for, we KNOW this, and as horrible as it sounds, I would raise him, I would have to, but hubby not so much and it's not fair to leave our other children with a sibling they shouldn't have to take care of when we're gone.

I do think it's perfectly normal and healthy for what you're feeling and you always have us to vent to :) Crossing fingers for you that it's a girl and definitely healthy no matter what!!!

[auroara78]

Do you still feel this same way?

How are your thoughts/feelings progressing?

I know this may not be helpful, but I am one of those people who believe things are meant to be. If this baby was meant to be yours, whether boy or girl, you will realize that eventually and be happy you went ahead and did that silly thing and put back both sexes. I am still hoping it's a girl for you though, because having a duaghter would be lovely, but don't forget, that even if it is a boy, a boy would be nice for your son to have a brother.

I pray it's your :DD: though so you will feel the agony will be worth it. And I assure you, each birth and pregnancy is different! And it's a little unfair to the new baby, whatever gender, to compare and assume it will be as bad as your first! It more than likely won't be, esp. since you have that expereince now! Ask tons of questions and make yourself as informed as possible about what's going on with preg!