Does GD ever end?

[ThroughWithBlue]

Sorry I don't know where to post this...
I just have a question for everyone, were you able to get over your GD? I have always wanted a daughter so desperately. I remember praying when I was a little girl for my own daughter one day. I had "extreme GD" as it as called over on IG with my 2nd pregnancy and it was such a dark place I don't want to experience that again. I really want to come to a place of acceptance before I get pregnant again. I am planning on not finding out the gender of my next baby, I think that will help for me. Seeing a human being not boy/girl parts on a tv screen.
Honestly, in my dream world, I would like for this baby to be my last and to get over it. Accept whether it be boy or girl. I have heard some stories and seen on tv stories of people having tragedies happen during pg or after having their baby or during delivery that just really woke me up. I think I should be happy for what I have/will have one day but I just can't shake this deep desire for a DD. I try to so hard but I just can't. anybody have any advice? I have considered counseling after having my first son but I would just feel like such an idiot walking in there complaining about something as trivial as gender when people are out there that can't get pregnant or have losses. I feel like such a spoiled brat wanting a DD so badly when I have two perfectly healthy sons but I just don't know how to stop!

[Emily]

Hi there,

Thank you so much for this post - I think it sums up how a lot of us feel. I too have two sons and have felt so sad not to have a girl - but also selfish and trivial at the same time.

I am currently weighing up the options and asking myself some serious questions- why do I need a girl so badly? Could I cope with a third child so close (age 4 and 1 now but I'm 37 so time is running out)? Will this sadness go away? How would I cope if I had another boy?

I imagine my GD will fade with time (if I don't have a daughter) but I'm sure I will always feel like crying at stupid things like facebook photos of other children.

Sorry to have no real answer but your post really struck a nerve so had to write.

[ThroughWithBlue]

Hi there,

Thank you so much for this post - I think it sums up how a lot of us feel. I too have two sons and have felt so sad not to have a girl - but also selfish and trivial at the same time.

I am currently weighing up the options and asking myself some serious questions- why do I need a girl so badly? Could I cope with a third child so close (age 4 and 1 now but I'm 37 so time is running out)? Will this sadness go away? How would I cope if I had another boy?

I imagine my GD will fade with time (if I don't have a daughter) but I'm sure I will always feel like crying at stupid things like facebook photos of other children.

Sorry to have no real answer but your post really struck a nerve so had to write.

No, it's fine! I love knowing someone out there feels like me it makes me not feel so crazy.
I'm so glad you understand! Ever since DS1 I have seriously wanted to get counseling to figure out why I want a DD so bad. Is it because I just don't have one and "everyone" else does? Is it because of comments? Because my family is all girls? Because me and my mother aren't close and I want that? I've seriously tried to figure out why. I've wondered if I had 2 girls would I want a boy so badly. I know a baby is a baby deep down. I think girly clothes are so cute but sure I can't want a DD just for that. she could be a total tomboy and then I'd still have nobody to be girly with. I just don't understand why I'm so hung up on it.
And my boys are 2 and 1 so I understand on wondering if you can handle another so close. Honestly, I feel like just trying for a girl and getting it over with. We weren't planning on getting pg with DS2 so soon and I'm still bitter over having to wait so long to try for a girl b/c of it. (Not at DS! At DH! wanted to clarify)
I thought my GD would fade with time but it hasn't! Literally everybody I know has a DD, a lot of friends JUST had a DD so I have to hear it and see their baby and it just tears me up. My neighbor just had a DD (our old neighbor had a DD too - if you want a DD just move in next door to me!!!! AHH!). I dont understand why everyone else gets it so easy when I "know" I wanted it more than them.
I read some post on here that was a while ago where someone says when their kids got older, like 8 and 9 I think that she didn't care that they were all girls/boys (can't remember what gender she had). She only cared in the baby phase. I hope that happens.

[Waiting4Daisy]

I think I'm getting there. I always wanted a son, but I equally always wanted a daughter. With DS1, I was delighted. Son first was my ideal. With DS2, I though he was a girl and was so gutted when I found out. After my second son was born, I was desperate to try again and sway girl, and so I started trying when DS2 was only 8 months old and got pregnant when he was 11 months. With my third son! It was hard at first, I won't lie. I was disappointed when I heard boy - again! - for the third time. But now, my littlest son is 8 months old and I am really ok with it. I'm not longer jealous of people having girls, the feelings are fading. I rarely idly fantasise about my imaginary daughter.

I still really want another child. At least one more. But I'm totally fine with it being a boy! I'm so proud of my 3 boys, I really am. I reckon when my family is finished for sure then the GD will fade away completely. Even if I never get a daughter, I'm sure I'll get nieces and granddaughters I can fawn over one day (I'm aware that is not the same as a daughter but I try to cheer myself up anyway).

Happiness is a choice. It doesn't always feel like it is but it is. A big part for me was realising that for me a daughter symbolises everything that is missing in my life, that I somehow feel if I can have that elusive baby girl then everything else will fit into place for me. I know that is not realistic, and it is also not fair that should I ever get a daughter, she should have these expectations burdening her.

I know it's not easy but I'm choosing the path of happiness and acceptance. I can't change the family I have, nor would I want to. If another baby comes along, it is to complement the children I have already, not the vital part I need. I want to truly savour each precious moment of my babies' lives. My oldest is almost 5 and I am aware of how fast the time has flown by. I just refuse to waste time obsessing over a dream that might not come true.

[ThroughWithBlue]

Waiting4Daisy I LOVED this! I will tell myself these things from time to time but it never sticks! I do completely believe sometimes that having a DD would in my head make me feel like everything is ok, because that's something I obviously don't have, and if I have that certainly everything would be peachy right? Not. But I do seem to think that. That's why I honestly think if it wasn't a DD it'd be something else.
Thanks so much for your response, gives me something to think about!

[auroara78]

I think for me having a DD was always a lifelong dream. I only wanted girls, I've said it so many times, but it's true.

I did get pregnant when DS2 was 8 months old. DS2 and I were at odds for a few months, becaue while I did all the right things for him, I didn't give him my whole heart because of his gender. I rushed into swaying, while I did contemplate deeply about why I wanted a girl so badly, I just felt that I'd have her this time, so I didn't really probe too deeply.

I imagined lavish praise for finally getting a daughter; I imagined my life would be totally different if this baby I'm growing is a girl. Well the baby is a girl, and I am very, very excited, but after my annoucement came (it was important to my mom that i had a girl since she already had 12 grandson), after the intial excitement, it all died down, and I realized that while I am still over the moon happy about having a girl, it will still be a child to raise, a child to look after, she will most liekly have tantrums here and there, life will be far from perfect, but it will make me feel more complete.

MY MIL was so worried that If I heard girl at my U/S I would start ignoring my boys or will ignore them once she arrives. I feel it's quite the opposite: I know she's not here yet, but I am much more open with my sons (esp. DS2) and we are really, really bonding in a way we hadn't before. I think for me now I can see him as his own little person than just looking at his gender. He's not just one of the boys, he's an indiviual who I am really looking at.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that I had having a girl as this some kind of mythical fantasy that would be sooo awesome if it came true, and it is great, but reality is reality.

[atomic sagebrush]

It CAN end but there is a large element of choice involved. There are lots of people I know from IG who never got their DG and decided to move on without trying again because it just wasn't worth it to them - they had other things they wanted to do with their lives. Even some people with very extreme GD have decided to move on with their lives and done quite well for themselves. I think a large part of GD has to do with the possibility still being on the table, and once you take the possibility off the table, the healing can begin. That's not to say you'll never have bad days now and then, but it just won't be the focus of your life any more.

I had pretty severe GD after my 3rd son and I felt for a time I would welcome a loss with him. I had the hardest time bonding with him, of any of my children. But I got over that and I was even planning to sway for a 5th boy; if not for a medical condition in my husband's family that is less common among girls, I would have. There is a big part of me that is sad that I'll never have another boy.

What helped me the most to get over my GD is realizing what it was I wanted from a relationship with a daughter, and facing the hard truth that even if I had one, there was no guarantee I would get that anyway. We all know mother-daughter relationships can be fraught with tension and weirdness and truth be told I'll probably be dead before my daughter is the age I am now just due to my age, and I'll surely be elderly and will have my own challenges to deal with at that point. I realized I could get a lot of what I wanted from a daughter, thru my relationships with other women (and my GD was a big blessing in that regard because I never had a lot of close female friendships before), with my sons, daughters-in-law, granddaughters if any, etc. Not everything, but a solid 80%, and that 20% was never a guarantee anyway. I know a lot of women fear that they'll lose their adult sons but I have adult sons and we still have a very positive relationship and I don't see that changing really - at least no more than relationship with an adult daughter would. I also have a very close friendship with my mother-in-law, so I know that it's possible to have a closeness with your daughter-in-law - don't believe the stereotypes, they don't have to be true.

[begonia]

I know I'm in a minority of women here and IRL but I really didn't want a daughter, let alone THREE :rofl: I mean honestly if there were 3 genders I would have ranked daughter as my last choice! Like Auroara with a daughter, I just always wanted a son, for as long as I can remember. Or 2 or 3. And I totally identify with how getting what you desire helps you appreciate what you already have ... with pregnancy 2 and 3, I remember feeling happier with DD just with the possibility that in my belly my son was growing. I went into every.single.ultrasound with so much hope and came out crushed, and it was the worst with DD3 because that was my "last" shot. The GD was unbearable, it really was. I can't believe my DH loved me through it the way that he did; if there was one positive to all of it, it's that I finally allowed myself to be vulnerable enough to truly need him, and it strengthened our marriage TBH.

I can say the gender disappointment aspect is easier to move past than the gender desire, at least for me personally, and I think that's because it is like others have said ... it's a choice. I actively CHOOSE to appreciate my daughters for who they are as people, not as "girls". My expectations and hopes for a son would be no different than those I have for my daughters and I try to focus on that, because what I find truly fulfilling about parenting is not gender-specific. I never expected an NBA player or a ballerina. I expect them to be loving, kind, generous, honest, and to do their personal best at whatever they do. They will never, ever, ever hear me say I didn't want girls because now that I have them I want THEM, they're MY girls and that makes all the difference in gender disappointment for me. GD used to be really rotten for me and I've definitely moved past that.

Gender desire is just a whole 'nother ball game for me though. I see it as a both/and situation ... I can both be happy with what I have (I am) and still want for something I don't have. I expect it's just something I'll live with forever. I'll always wonder what he would have looked like, I'll always wonder what it would have been like to see my DH and my FIL (who I adore) with their son/grand-son. And I know it's silly, but oh how I would have LOVED to experience what WaitingForDaisy mentioned, and Auroara ... even though it's a fleeting moment, the JOY of hearing you got what you wanted.

But the reality is like we always tell our kids ... you get what you get and you don't throw a fit :) You don't always get what you want and you either CHOOSE to be happy with what you've got or you wallow in self-pity. I've said it before but if GD is the worst thing I deal with in my life I still count myself lucky, because I've got THREE gorgeous healthy babies to love :awe:

[envisioned]

atomicsagebrush - I think a large part of GD has to do with the possibility still being on the table, and once you take the possibility off the table, the healing can begin. That's not to say you'll never have bad days now and then, but it just won't be the focus of your life any more.

I think this a huge key part of healing. If the possibility of having another is still on the table there's always that 'what if' part of your life. Now if on the other hand you're done having kids for whatever biological/financial etc reasons, then it's almost like you're not given a choice. When the door is still ajar, it will eat you alive on the bad GD days.

I have them all the time. I keep saying do I try again? Do I just let it go and have my DD's and never have a son? Or do I keep going for as many kids as we can afford til we get the boy? It's not a place I wish anyone to be in because it is a huge emotional struggle and I feel like it makes me a terrible mother to my girls b/c I can't enjoy them as much as a mom should b/c all I keep thinking is, where is their brother already?

Like if you told me I'd be having a boy next then I'd probably not hate the whole Barbie Princess epidemic that goes on in our home as much b/c I know I'd have some trucks to balance it out soon.

I wish I could offer you words of solace but my DD1 is almost 5 and I find as my biological clocks runs down, for me it gets harder and not easier because I feel like I am running out chances. I am not near that end of the line I must find a way to heal yet unfortunately. But take what I say with a grain of salt b/c I am a case where I had severe EGD and only wanted boys. So I am not necessarily the typical person who wants the other gender for balance.

[ThroughWithBlue]

Girls thank you so much. It's so nice to hear I'm not the only one feeling like this. It's really helped me a lot.
Atomic I completely 100% agree with the hard part being that there is still that option on the table of trying. I had a plan to try an IG sway (glad I didn't) after my DS1 was 1 but got pg in the meantime and I'm just so tired of waiting I just want to try and if it doesn't work at least I know I tried. I hope after I try, the feelings will go away at least a little.
Begonia I know you how you feel! I always have wanted to have that satisfaction of knowing you got what you wanted! I'm so jealous of people who do! I've always wanted 3 girls, mabye 2 girls and 1 boy if I had to have a boy but always girls. I have felt that satisfaction of hearing it's a girl and it honestly was the best feeling, I Was so proud but then it was wrong and I always feel like someone took her from me because it felt so real.
envisioned the barbie princess epedemic LOL. I'm really tired of the spiderman, cars and fighting with everything that resembles a sword or gun epedemic in my house LOL

[fun family]

I know it's not easy but I'm choosing the path of happiness and acceptance. I can't change the family I have, nor would I want to. If another baby comes along, it is to complement the children I have already, not the vital part I need. I want to truly savour each precious moment of my babies' lives. My oldest is almost 5 and I am aware of how fast the time has flown by. I just refuse to waste time obsessing over a dream that might not come true.

Love this! I'm thinking of giving HT a shot, but I'm well aware it might not work and at some point, I will have to move on. I also believe that happiness is a choice and I don't want to waste any time wishing for something I don't have and might never have, when that energy could be used for appreciating and enjoying that wonderful kids I do have. I have actually been reading blogs written by women who can't have biological kids. I know its totally NOT the same thing at all---I would much rather have all boys or all girls than be totally infertile, but the reason I read the blogs is that many of these women, after going through EXTREME stress and disappointment over never getting pregnant, find peace with it and move on and live happy lives. Many do not adopt because they don't have the money or the desire or their DH is against adoption. So they move on without ever becoming a mother even though its something they very desperately wanted. I figure if they can make peace with that and be happy without any kids, then I certainly can without having a daughter.

[pinga]

This is a great thread! I have 2 wonderful DSs and am about to have my third boy. We swayed hard for a DD... but those boy swimmers are just too fast!! I was pretty upset when I first found out... but I am at peace now and am looking forward to holding a yummy little newborn again. I know he will add such happiness to our already beautiful family.

I still have lots of longing for a daughter. I lost my mother at 24 and feel as though I've missed out on having any kind of mother-daughter relationship. I know that you might not have a close relationship with your daughter... but I wish it was an option. I know it will be very hard to let go of. I haven't 100% let go of the dream of a daughter.... but honestly I don't think I can do another pregnancy.

If I never have a daughter I think I will always feel wistful about it... but I am sure I will be just fine! :) I will have 3 lovely young men to give me hugs!

[ThroughWithBlue]

Love this! I'm thinking of giving HT a shot, but I'm well aware it might not work and at some point, I will have to move on. I also believe that happiness is a choice and I don't want to waste any time wishing for something I don't have and might never have, when that energy could be used for appreciating and enjoying that wonderful kids I do have. I have actually been reading blogs written by women who can't have biological kids. I know its totally NOT the same thing at all---I would much rather have all boys or all girls than be totally infertile, but the reason I read the blogs is that many of these women, after going through EXTREME stress and disappointment over never getting pregnant, find peace with it and move on and live happy lives. Many do not adopt because they don't have the money or the desire or their DH is against adoption. So they move on without ever becoming a mother even though its something they very desperately wanted. I figure if they can make peace with that and be happy without any kids, then I certainly can without having a daughter.

I have been doing the same thing! I've just been running across forum posts or blogs of women dealing with infertility and end up reading it and then feel like such a brat. That's a huge part of what made me post this question here. I really think God is trying to give me a sign to appreciate what I have. I've been dealing with fertility problems myself so I think I'm getting a major wake up call.

[NYFamilyOfFiveRoses]

I have 3 daughters. I was trying to save for so long for 1 cycle of HT. I am 39 years old. I realized that we first still do not have enough with drugs now not being covered and secondly it is not worth it with such a low chance at my age.

Even if it did work then another child with more finances on one salary. My husband does okay but not to live a life I would be okay with with another one added.

I kept saying I would be ok with not a single activity and anything if I only had a boy.

Now I realized I want to try to focus on other things like putting my children in swimming lessons, finally getting them a bike, still pushing to loose these 10 pounds.

GD will never go away and there are definately good and bad days.

I realize I am not well off and my husbands salary cannot do 2 or more cycles of HT. Back when I was younger we had that type of credit to use but we always lived above our means so now credit is not an option.

I am trying to focus on the positives on good days.

HT is a great option but I think you have to be able to do at least 2 or more cycles and that can be hard for SAHMS on one salary.

One thing that is most important to me and not sure about you but do not let comments and people on the outside get the best of you.

Be prepared to have come backs. I feel I will go back at people now even if I thought I liked them if they say something incensitive about having 3 girls I will go back at them. Your poor husband "oh no he actually is very happy with 3 girls". You do realize that these type of comments are coming from these types of people and it is not only gender. These people will say dumb things about anything. "Oh you look like you put on a few pounds". Just as hurtful.

I am sorry for rambling.

[ThroughWithBlue]

NYFamily I completely agree! Those are the people that will always say something. I get the opposite of you, your husband can't give you a girl? Your husband only makes boys, huh? When are you trying for a girl? Alll the time. I came up with a really good comeback yesterday i'm going to use from now on.
I would never do HT, I'd feel to guilty for the $$$ and moral reasons. Well you have my dream family, 3 daughters! I'm very jealous of you! =)