my heart keeps breaking

[dreamgone]

I should start by saying how much i love my boys, and i would never change them. But i feel so sad at times. Ds3 is almost 7 months. He is so sweet, so happy. I hate that there is this this.... almost a need... to have a daughter. Dh wont have more, and I'm not prepared to jeapordise our relationship by pushing for another. At times i daydream about having an oops.... and that makes me feel a little happier... but feels so deceptive, not that I'd EVER purposely do that. t feels deceptive that I'm lusting over it. My ds3 and I sat at home, playing talking cuddling, while my dh and eldest boys went motorbike riding.... and I got so sad thinking in a few years my baby will be off with them, and I will be left on my own. I feel lonely in a house of boys.... i love my boys... but they are already drifting away from me. I asked my dh to teach me how to ride motorbikes... atleast then i can do it with them. I play the boy sports with them, play in the sandpit, read to them.... encourage them to dance n sing with me, n cook.... but they are becoming more n more into their big boy stuff. What more can i do?

[girlmom]

have you thought about pursuing your own intrests? make some friends, join a group or something. i did for awhile. i took a pottery class, it was so much fun. i made new friends and learned some new things. im not saying ignore your husband or kids but maybe once in awhile they can run off and do manly things, you can have some much needed grown up time. shopping, a movie, get your nails done, meet a girlfriend for a margarita! just because your boys don't need to be coddled anymore it dosen't mean your life is over babygirl. trust me my oldest is 12 and isn't so touchy feely. she would rather go outside and play with the neighborhood girls. it happens with both genders.

but once a week i set aside a mommy/daughter day. its hard to have one on one time with each of them but we manage. one week i take my oldest and we go shopping or out to lunch. the next week i take the 2nd to the museum. the next week i take the 3rd to see a new movie and we share popcorn. the next week i take the 2 year old to the park and watch her ride her big girl bike. yesterday we all went to the park together and played baseball. alot of the local kids joined in and pretty soon we had a big game going. not that my girls could hit the ball to save their lives but hey we had fun!

[nuthinbutpink]

I agree, they all grow up. Girls don't want their mom in their business after a certain age. The grass isn't greener here.

I think you join in with the boys and learn to ride/play with them and you find an outlet for you. Volunteer at a local shelter that helps women or kids. Play tennis. Do something that you do for you.

They all grow up though and if you don't have something to do beyond your kids you'll be hanging out with yourself until they circle back around and need you once again. And they will need you again.

[dreamgone]

I do have my own interests, n friends i see weekly , if not fortnightly. I just want to have something in common with my kids. If i didnt do my ownthing id go stir crazy. Lol. I just see the relationship between me, my brothers n my mum.... my brothers only call when they need something, and my relationship with my mum isnt that good, we get along, but have nothing in common. I want my boys to grow up confident and supported and with a close bond, and i want to be a little part of that. I'm sure if i had a girl, she would end up on a bike too... but I also think she would have other interests that i may play a small part in. I guess you never know what its truely like until you have one of each gender. These are my feelings at the moment. I'm not saying girls are better then boys.... i just wouldve liked a girl too.

[dreamgone]

Difference between my brothers and I is that i will call for a chat, whereas mum wont hear from them for months. Ill call for birthdays etc (use to buy presents but i stopped after years of nothing, not even a text). I know it sounds like a stereotype, but from what I've seen of friends and family, its the women in the families that make the effort to contact and maintain close n supportive relationships amongst the family. I have stepsisters, our parents were married when i was 20, n they are so close, there is obviously one that does all the work maintaining their relationship, but the other 2 just fall into it, i dont think they realise the lengths their sister goes to. They are great friends, and their mum is so closely intwined in that. Yeah they had issues in the teens... but I've been told girls go ferral in their teens, then come back in their 20s. Just a matter of being there. Boys just keep going further nfurther way. Obviously thats not stock standard for everyones family, thats why i want to know how to encourage a good relationship with yourboys that continues into their adult lives? I dont intend on being one of those mil that feddles in everything... just want a phone call or a visit without me hasseling for it, i want them to feel they can trust me enough to tell me whats happening with them, without being judged. My eldest tells me everything for now, he's 9. Today he told me he's going to build a house next door, i said ok, just dont be too noisy. Lol. I do look forward to having the boys grown up and having their own lives, but I'm worried i will miss them, especially if they are like most blokes i know, and wont call their mum. Once again... im generalising... i just dont want my boys being like that.

[girlmom]

hugs sweetie they won't be, obviously you have a great relationship with your boys. congrats to you. im a big daddy's girl, i don't have much in common with my mother, but my brother is the chosen one in her eyes, he can do no wrong. my father is 53 years old and he calls and visits his mother once a week even though he lives 3 hours away. i understand you want to experience raising a daughter, i always wanted to experience that mother/son bond. you have my dream family. maybe wait a few years and if you still feel so strongly about a daughter have atomic help you with a good sway or think about foster or adoption. maybe even ht. the doors aren't locked yet, you just see them as closed. we can open them!

[fish2012]

make them agree to marry orphans that's my plan if this round fails, or on a more sesniable note I going to be the best godmother to my god-daughter ever

and be close to your boys they will come back my dh and i now really close to MIL after he did the teenage/20s biy thing of never calling now we see them at least once a week

you sound like you're doing really well at being a great mum of boys weldone xxx

[Emily]

I just want to have something in common with my kids. If i didnt do my ownthing id go stir crazy.

I totally understand what you are saying! My friend has two girls and one boy and is sad that she feels sometimes like the girls naturally go to her and the boy to his Dad. So, she thought outside the gender box and got tech geeky! She got a cheap video camera that they all love using and burning DVDs for friends. She is the one who learned how to edit etc with DH deliberately not getting as involved. Is this something you could do? Not necessarily video but tech is huge with boys so perhaps a blog or digital camera? As i said, it worked for my friend so who knows? My boys are a bit young yet but am reading "Raising Boys" to prepare myself! x

[lightofmylifexxxy]

Dear Dreamgone
Two of my aunties both had 3 sons each. The adored and loved their sons, but my mum told me they both did wish for a daughter deep down... Well, fast forward 30 years, they now have beautiful granddaughters, and are still very close to their sons, and daughters in laws. And they are both very happy and have a very close knit family. Boys too can be very close to their mums. My brother in law was one of 4 boys - he absolutely adored his mum (who has since passed) - they had such a close relationship. Your feelings will get better over time. And you never know, maybe you will decide to have one more baby? take care of yourself xx

[dreamgone]

THanks guys for the suggestions and encouragement. I am feeling a bit better today about things. My ds1 attended a school dance... and who did he seek for advice on hair and clothes?.... HIS MUM! lol... although admittedly he thinks his hair is sooooo cool.... EEEk.... i think he needs to cut! lol. I just helped him look neater/nicer while allowing him choose. He did a good job of matching everything actually.

I'm releaved I was able to explain that I didn't mean the "grass is always greener".... because I really dont think that is fair to anyone especially our children... I dont have a preference for gender... I just would ALSO like a girl... and yeah maybe one day things might change and I'll have another baby.... but no time soon... and if it was planned.... I don't want to sway again... swaying set me up for high expectations of getting what i wanted... and when i didn't get it... I behaved like a toddler. lol... sad but true. I am interested in reading about sways.... but not attempting again... I think if I were to ttc... itd be to get a BABY... not a girl. I need to be in the right mind set for that... and I guess I'm not there yet.... and neither my hubby or I want 4 children at this point in time... and in a few years... i doubt that will change because our family is so physically active, and if I get involved in that... would I really want to be going back to dot with a baby? right now I will say no.... but we all know things can change. ;)

Thanks again guys.... it is really helpful hearing your suggestions and stories of how other fammilies of all boys ended up.

[cj's kids]

I'm so sorry for how you're feeling - sending huge hugs.