Please don't judge

[Dreaming 4 a Girl]

Sorry for the long post, i really just need to vent and get this off my chest

So i am currently 17 weeks pg and it turns out that I am having boy number 3 and I aabsolutelyldevastateded. I found out last week when I had a check up with my dr, and since then I can't think about anything else other than how much I don't want this. All i do is cry, and i can't sleep it's all I think about. I have even looked into terminating this pregnancy (not that i could actually do it) I feel like the worst human being on the planet for feeling like this.

After finding out that ds2 was a boy, I found out about gender selection which helped and made the GD less painful knowing that I could have a third and try for a girl. We were looking into going o/s for gender selection however after my second was delivered by csection my ob said that my uterus was too thin and that I couldn't have anymore. Totatally devastatedated I sought second and third opinions and was told that one more baby would be ok but that ivf was risky due to the fact that my uterus is thin and there is a high risk of low lying placenta with ivf, which would be dangerous.

So over that hurdle we started trying for baby #3 naturally. It took 12 months, 3 miscarriages, clomid and progesterone pessaries to get to where I am now, and all I can think is what if I can't have any more babies after this one? What if my uterus is so damaged they have to remove it?

How will I ever move past this and I hate to admit this but I feel like part of me will forever resent this baby for being a boy.

I thought that after all the m/c and fertility hurdles that even if the next baby was a boy i would be ok initially, a bit upset but nothing like i feel now. I don't really know what to do to make myself get over this.

[fivebabies]

Oh Hun, I am so sorry. Pregnancy hormones are a nasty thing and are what is making this feel the worst. You know the minute you meet that sweet little baby it won't matter what gender it is....and I know that you are probably hating me for saying it and that there is no way you'll feel better, but it WILL get better! I promise. You are at the hardest point right now.

Big (((HUGS))) and I hope you feel better soon!

[auroara78]

So sorry you are feeling this way, but echoing what five babies said, I know you will love that baby boy once he is placed in your arms!!

big, big hugs, and I know this may not help much now, but in a few weeks time, you will come to better terms with it, and i do agree that preg. hormones often times make these things seem much worst. I am hoping and praying that you can come to a good place with him being born, and hopefully, understand why after all you had to go through, he was chosen to be a part of your family.

:hugs:

[Yuzu]

I felt the same way when I found out I was having DS3. And I just found out I'm having DS4. Very difficult.

What helped me accept it was by actually talking to DS3 while he was still in utero. I know it sounds dumb, but I would talk to him all the time--when I was in the car or doing dishes, whatever. It helped me to see him as a real person. And when he was finally born I was so happy to meet him! And he is the sweetest, dearest little boy. He's so affectionate and loving. I truly feel like he is a gift.

I hope you find some peace sometime soon. We will never judge you here. You can always vent away, and cry if you need to.

[Zivic-Bubac]

How can I judge you? I could have written your post, but in opposite way - I'm expecting 3rd girl :(
It took me over a year to conceive her with the best blue sway I could do. I failed.

Every time I think I'll be mom to 3 girls, part of me dies. I'm crushed, devastated, confused, in denial, hoping for a miracle.
I was thinking to give her for adoption but DH was shocked when I mentioned it. This will sound terrible, but I don't want her.

I was thinking to maybe try again for no4 but I'll be 40 in October. I want to be done already!!!! :hair:

Big hugs to you mama! :hugs: If it's any consolation, you're about to have my dream family of 3 boys :HH: I'm so jealous....

[Waiting4Daisy]

It will be different when he is a little person and not just an idea in your womb. I promise. I felt a bit sad about having my third son, my worst disappointment was with DS2 when I had convinced myself I was having a girl, and he is honestly such a lovely baby I couldn't not fall in love. Also would really love a fourth son now... :-) xxx

[cj's kids]

I'm sorry - this is all so unfair. We should all get what we want!

[lightofmylifexxxy]

my heart goes out to you. I am pregnant too, and feeling the same as you, wishing that i wasn't. I even planned the pregnancy, and now im pregnant wish i wasn't so hasty. I am 5-6 weeks, and pray these feelings go away. I cry all the time and have trouble sleeping just like you. I wonder how much of this is hormones? Does your husband know how you feel? I haven't really told mine, he would not be happy i don't think, as he was happy with 2 children. And so was I so why did i do this? Big hugs to you, feel free to write to me if you need x

[fish2012]

my pregnancy with DS2 was such a shock i wished I wasn't I hated my first 20 weeks and that was before I knew he was a DS and not a DD! he is the most lovely baby so much easier than ds1 the apple of my eye ;-0

your post is my fear with ttc pink that i will feel as you do in 20 weeks time, what I hold on to is at least I gave it one last try and if it doesn't happen it wasn't meant to be for me...this is easy to type you are living it and no one here judges you.

[Dreaming 4 a Girl]

Thankyou every for not judging, I am almost 22 weeks now and to be honest i still don't feel much better about it. Part of me still thinks that they have guessed the sex wrong and it will be a little girl.

I am hopeing desperatly that it all changes when bubs is born, I am also worried about getting PND afterwards especially If i am told that i cannot have any more children. The thought of never being able to have another to try for a girl is just something I don't know how i will be able to deal with and makes me cry thinking about it. Thankfully I have a wonderful husband who said he is happy to try again for a little girl, he said he just wants me to be happy, which made me cry. I have decided to not tell anyone that we are having a boy as I don't think i can deal with everyone saying how nice a girl would have been etc.

This whole situation just makes me sooooo angry too that we don't GS in Australia, it's not fair that so many women or men are left feeling this way in a time that should be filled with happyness and joy.

[HappyLea]

So sorry you are feeling like this hun, i have just found out that i am expecting boy#4 and what helped me was giving him name. We have named him Charlie and when we speak to him or about him using his name really helps.
Also i have made it my mission to find some really cute boy clothes that are not all the usual blue blue blue!

Im sure once you have your little boy in your arms you will love him so so much, my DS3 is absolutely adorable...such a little character!

[Mommyof3boys]

I had very similar feelings when my ds3 was born. We had also planned him and tried to sway pink. I did not find out his gender during the pregnancy because I knew I would be devastated of it was a boy. I had planned to breastfeed and when he was born I didn't even want to look at him so I made my husband go buy bottles so I wouldn't have to. After a couple of days I was feeling better but it did take a lot longer to bond with him than it did with my other two and some medication to help with depression. There isn't anything wrong with the way you are feeling, and it may take some time to be ok with your new son. Make sure you talk to your doctor if you are feeling depressed about it because post partum is worse with each child and in particular if you do not have the DG. You would never know now that i had wanted a daughter so desperately when I had my last son. He is such a joy and has such an amazing personality. I would never trade him for the daughter I was dreaming for then.

[Mrs_P]

I know exactly how you feel and it does get easier. I was convinced my DS3 was going to be a girl i was devastated when i heard boy (have been disappointed all along slightly with all boys as i really wanted a dd) i cried that much i could barely tell my mom over the phone and al the other people in the hospital must have thought there was something horribly wrong with my baby. I seriously considered abortion and adoption but my heart wouldn't let me even though i didn't want him he was still my baby, it took my mom seriously suggesting abortion to shock me out of it (i was so angry at her for the suggestion).

It took me a while to get over it and i'm so glad i found out when i did to have felt that way towards a newly born baby would have been horrible. But by the time i was 30 weeks i had managed to get over it and was really looking forward to meeting him. I managed to separate my feelings from my son to those of wanting a daughter and like you have a wonderful hubby who kept telling me we could try again if i wanted to (which is where we are at now and feeling quite scared to get pg again). I had a few problems in labor with him (bleeding) and was so gald when he was delivered safe i feel for him instantly.

A couple of months later i loved my sons so much but still really wanted a daughter til we out food shopping one day and my little boy (2yr old ds2) sat eating a piece of cake and stopped breathing - no idea how he survived, its taken me 2 years to be able to talk about it he was so lucky. Nearly loosing one of the most precious things in the world made me realise just how lucky i was. Not long after that ds1 got diagnosed with severe dispraxia which affects him in many ways and will do for life. Since then it has made me realise we got the child we needed in ds3 my son now has two brothers to help and support him in life and to guide him through the difficult times (without an over protective mother in his face all the time) his brothers were the best thing for him they already have such a bond and it is so lovely to watch them all together. I still would really truely love a daughter, its something i've longed for all my life and find it hard to let that go but realise more and more everyday how much i love my family and would not trade them (even think i am ready to have another child and know i could cope if its another boy).

Anyway hope my story helps you a little, although your desire for a daughter may not go away you will love you son and he will be an amazing addition to your family mine really are the three musketeers and such mommies boys (they all fight over a spot on my lap and pile up in a heap cuddled up together on the sofa). Enjoy your pregancy, thats my biggest regret i spent that long worrying i forgot to enjoy what a special time it was and if you want to chat am always happy to discuss things with you x