Baby here and do not feel any better

[appley]

I have been devastated with the prospect of the boy since the moment we found out he was a boy at 10 weeks pregnant (we did genetic testing). He was born 8 weeks ago and my feelings have not changed at all. I had a miserable pregnancy, I was just so horrified this was happening to me, I couldnt get past it, time did not make it feel better, it just made me more mad and upset.

It has been especially horrible for me since my sister found out 3 months ago she is having a baby girl and I cannot take it. It makes it so much harder to go through GD and especially to get over it when the people closest to you in life are getting what you wanted, for babies you will have to see all the time and are supposed to love. Now I want nothing to do with her and her baby. Its selfish, I feel terrible about it, but I am so blinded by jealously I cannot handle being around her or hearing her say "She" or "her" to refer to her unborn baby. I usually start crying whenever she says it when I talk to her on the phone, although I hide that from her the best I can. When the baby comes in a couple of months, I dont know what I will do and I know it will only make my GD worse.

I was always told that GD would go away when I saw my son, but it hasnt, not even a little. I just look at him and feel utter disappointment and despair. Since the moment he was born the only thing that makes me feel better is thinking about doing HT for the next one so I can get a girl. It literally is the only thing I can think of now. But at the same time I am so scared out of my mind of HT, it seems so awful, and I cannot believe I have to do it when everyone else in my life (my sister, my brother, my cousins, all got girls on the first shot, but not me of course). I cannot risk having another boy, I know that. Swaying is not an option since I cannot end up with a failed sway. I would rather not have another child than have another boy, so HT is the only way to go for me. Besides health, having a girl is the only thing I ever really cared about in life and I am just heartbroken that I did not have one and there is nothing I can ever do about it.

Just had to vent. I wish I could feel differently, but I dont think I ever will feel better until I am holding my healthy baby girl in my arms.

[girlmom]

i was going to do ht for a son, but there are alot of things to consider. what would you do with left over embryos? what about any healthy boy embryos you got? how many cycles are you willing to do? those are just some of the questions.

i just got my desired gender but its isn't all blue confetti and marching bands like i thought. yes he can wear blue... thats about it. other then that there is no difference between him and my daughters. we've been in the hospital for jaundice but its the same hat, same blanket, same diapers, same bassinet. the nurses don't throw glitter and or confetti, they only cared if my baby was healthy. having a boy doesn't make me happier, it dosent make me a better mother, it didn't make my husband love me anymore. it didn't make the girls any happier then a sister would have. it was just for me.

good luck hun, im sorry you haven't bonded with your baby yet, sometimes it takes awhile. have you thought about talking with someone? post-partum depression is a very real thing i had it after dd2 was born. it took me awhile to bond with her. i can't imagine my life without her now.

[nuthinbutpink]

Many of us have been there and have been sad when the gender wasn't what we hoped. I think if you are feeling really down and it continues and affects the rest of the people around you, you may want to look into PPD like the pp mentions.

HT is available if you are up for it. When I was pregnant with DD3, that is what got me through that. It was a rough time...I wanted a boy from day one and with each pregnancy, it was harder and harder to deal. HT was right for me and it gave me the guarantee that I needed. Happy to help you through that when you are ready. 6 months pp is the minimum amount of time to wait to move forward. IF that is an option for you and you are younger, try to enjoy what you have now. Fast forward 2-3 years for now, if you are sitting there with a pigeon pair, you may kick yourself for getting down so early on. You have time for things to work out and this little guy needs you.:HH:

[alreadyneedivf]

so sorry that you feel this way. I do think a lot could have to do with hormones. I was one of those people that whatever little gd I had, did go away at birth. However, that was the only positive change that has happened to me since I gave birth. I was super emotional and anxious, which is so not like me.

Anyway, I spoke to my ob and she said it is completely normal after giving birth! She gave me the number for a therapist, who I may see. However, at about three months I started to become my happy self again. I hope that is what happens to you too!!

[lightofmylifexxxy]

Dear Appley, I could not read and run, your post made me feel so sad that you are feeling this way. you must not blame yourself, it sounds like you are suffereing from Postnatal depression, and that is why you are finding it hard to bond with your son. A mothers love is incredibly powerful, don't underestimate your ability to love your son - which you WILL, just as soon as you recover from these feelings. PND is very real, and alot of women suffer from it, and are afraid to admit they need help. I really feel that you would benefit from speaking to a professional about this - could your doctor help you? You have made the first step to recovery by sharing your feelings with this the ladies here. x

[Zivic-Bubac]

Big, big hugs to you mama!

I was reading your post very carefully bcos I believe that's me in September. I'm expecting 3rd girl and I'm feeling bad beyond words. I know that feeling of disappointment won't go away just like that bcos nothing can change 'she''into 'he'
( or the other way around in your case).

If you're young and HT is an option, I'd say go for it.

I wish you all the best!!!! :HH:

[fish2012]

appely how do you feel today? i cried as I read your post.

I hoped so much my ds2 would be a girl, i was so sad I'm a little sad now still. It took a while to adjust and I hadn't known for the whole of the pregnacy i really belive that made it easier, it may take you longer to adjust you've spent to long thinking this over

focus on HT as a goal, focusing on a gender sway in 2012 helped me through the first three months of my ds2's life. now I just love him he's such an easy happy soul everyone comments on it, there's a reason this little man's joined your family. focus on whatever helps now and when he starts showing his personaility you will fall in love with him but don't dwell on it you can't make a kettle boil by watching it

:hugs:

Please post back we're all routing for you on here not judging at all we've been there or somewhere near xx

[Falling2Grace]

Hugs to you hun. Didn't want to read and run, but i just wanted to empathize with you. I have two boys (17 months apart). He is almost 5 months old, and the GD is actually getting worse. Outside of my disappointment with that, i dont feel i have emotional issues...but its hard coming to terms with that loss...even harder to know we are only having 3 kids (so one more) and im honestly convinced it will be a boy...i dont want another boy...i would rather have two boys than have 3...i wish there was a way to be guranteed a girl (without going broke)....feel better....i understand <3

[appley]

Thank you everyone for responding, I really appreciate it the support.

I knew when I wrote the post it sounded like I was describing PPD, but I know thats not it. This is not something that I started feeling post-partum, I felt like this from the moment I found out he was a he at only 10 weeks, honestly, I consider that day the worst day of my life, and then I felt like this the entire pregnancy, and the thing is, I felt like this even before I was pregnant, I DREADED hearing it would be a boy when I eventually got pregnant. I was already insanely jealous of anyone who had a girl, never had any interest in seeing their babies since I was so jealous that I might not have a girl one day. So this is def not PPD for me or a sudden depression or anything like that.

I was just sooo hoping that when he was born, I would feel differently like everyone claimed would happen, but I dont at all. If you saw me with him, you would never know how I really feel, I put on a good act for his sake since I want him to always feel loved and to feel wanted, since it is not his fault his mother is crazy haha, and for my husband's sake, but I am secretly devastated and cannot believe this is my life now.

I am definitely going to do HT, I have been spending a lot of my time just reading the message boards about it now, but it sucks that it is not guaranteed and it is a process where you have to give yourself artifical hormones and shots, etc. It makes me so mad that all these people in my life got their girl without having to do any of this, and now I am forced to go that route without any guarantee of success. I cant believe it really, but like I said, I have absolutely no desire for another boy, so I cant ever try naturally again, I know that.

I can vent about this over and over, but not sure if it is really getting me anywhere. It is ashame though that we all have to do this in private, since GD is not understood generally outside this type of community.

[Hobbermittens]

I know how you feel, only opposite. When I found out DD2 was a girl, I was a wreck. I thought my GD would go away at birth, but it took the better part of a year. It hasn't helped that she is a terror, and is now a 2 year old with all the 2 year old behaviors. BUT, she has a lot of great attributes, and I can honestly say I enjoy her, and I am glad she's here.

I had similar issues with my sister and her baby boy (he was born a year before my GD girl). She was always saying how cute he was, how much she loved her little boy, etc. and I could swear it was all just to make me feel bad, because she knew I had wanted a boy so badly. Now things are better, though, and I can see my nephew without getting jealous.

Your baby is still young, and I bet you have some PPD and hormones clouding your feelings. Having a newborn is hard, and even harder with GD. I hope things get better for you soon. It is okay to dream about high tech, if it gets you through these rough times! I hope you get your girl in the future.

[Lucky-happy-blessed]

I hope you start to feel better soon, and well done for shielding your little boy from this, that alone tells me you're a great mum and that you do love your little boy

I understand how frustrating it is to want something so badly that seems almost impossible, when other people get it so easily, but what helped me a little was to think that yes I wanted a girl, but I didn't want [I]thier[I] girl I wanted my own and so it didn't matter what other people had because none of them had what I wanted, which was my own daughter

Sometimes I look back and I think of all the time I 'wasted' thinking about gender, if I'd known I'd get a girl one day I could have relaxed but none of us have a crystal ball, and so we have to live on with hope in our hearts that someday somehow we will get our wish or we will learn to live happily without it

I hope that you go on to get your girl, but most of all I hope you go on to lead a fulfilled and happy life and that over time your heart heals and you start to feel the joy and love you have for your son which I know is already in your heart waiting to be discovered

[atomic sagebrush]

Please hang in there, an 8 week old baby is sort of a hard thing to feel ga-ga over for many of us. When I had my GD baby (DS 3) I did have a harder time bonding with him than with my others for MANY reasons, the least of which was GD. (it had been 13 years since I'd had a baby and he was a very difficult baby as well - up until the 4-6 month mark where he started to become easier and more engaging, I felt like a glorified babysitter!) Over the course of time he grew on me ;) and now I can't imagine life without him. He's my smartest and most beautiful child by a longshot.

You're already doing the best thing for yourself and for your baby - you're "faking it till you make it". That's the absolute best way to get through this - be a mom, even if it feels like you're going through the motions for now, in time, it won't feel that way any more.

[auroara78]

You're already doing the best thing for yourself and for your baby - you're "faking it till you make it". That's the absolute best way to get through this - be a mom, even if it feels like you're going through the motions for now, in time, it won't feel that way any more.
Totally agree with this. Also, I'd advise if you don't feel like it, make sure to take lots of pictures! I was so bummed that DS1 was a boy when he was born that I also felt more like a forced "babysitter" than his loving momma! I did have a burst of love when he was first born, but when reality set in, and it wasn't the daughter I wanted for so long, I took care of him and loved him, but my heart wasn't 100% in it.

I gave it time, and now he is the sweetest most precious thing ever. He is 4 years old, and he tells me all the time: "Mommy, you're my very best friend."

Give it time; they even say in preg. and childbirth books that not ALL women will fall instantly in love with their children. This could be your case, made more severe by GD. Take care of him as best you can, and as he grows, and your bond deepens, I think you will be suprised.

Lots of pictures, lots of cuddles, and give yourself lots of time to develop the bond! It will come eventually...I promise you that.

[girlygirrl]

Feel better. I know how hard it is to deal with gender disappointment. It will get better over time.

[atomic sagebrush]

Good point about the pictures - I think pictures may have actually helped me bond with him. I would look at pictures and think "OMG he's so cute, I love him so much" and at the time I even recall thinking how strange it was that I'd almost rather see pictures than deal with my actual baby!! it's like those warm fuzzy feelings I had for pictures of him started to translate over to the actual kid himself!!

[Myloves]

:hugs: I'm so sorry. My sister gave birth to her second little girl when my ds1 was born. I had pretty bad GD with him (it was nothing compared to my second boy though). I never wanted even one boy, and I badly wished for a girl both times. When I saw my sister get what I wanted twice, it was really hard.
I even thought I hated my sister for a while; I was so eaten up with jealousy. But as my boy grew and I saw more and more of his personality, and as I watched my niece grow, I moved on from being jealous.
Even if you don't feel like you can bond with him straight away, you will adore him eventually. You're not horrible for not falling in love the minute you set on him, and you're definitely not alone. I didn't feel that special love with ds2. It took me months to bond with him properly (he was very fussy and didn't like to be held). But now he is my loveliest, awesome boy.
I hope that whatever choice you make whether it's swaying or going HT goes well and that you find happiness in your boy the way I did.

[Pstar32]

My GD baby is beautiful! I didn't want a boy at all. I was disappointed when DS1 was a boy but he is gorgeous, and very advanced for his age so he always gets more attention that girls his age! On DS2 I loved him but didn't bond straight away, i found out the sex before birth and was sooooo disappointed! Now I am his whole world! All he wants is me, he has no time for my husband and he will kiss and cuddle me all day. I couldn't live without my two boys! Having a boy is now not my worst nightmare, not having my boys is my absolute worst nightmare, and no girl including one I have would Ever be able to replace them! I can't describe the feeling, it's pure love!! I hope you feel it, it doesnt take away a desire for a daughter but it's a pure blessing! I can't wait till they wake up tomorrow for all my kisses and cuddles I miss them and they've only been in bed 5 hours :)

[alreadyneedivf]

My GD baby is beautiful! I didn't want a boy at all. I was disappointed when DS1 was a boy but he is gorgeous, and very advanced for his age so he always gets more attention that girls his age! On DS2 I loved him but didn't bond straight away, i found out the sex before birth and was sooooo disappointed! Now I am his whole world! All he wants is me, he has no time for my husband and he will kiss and cuddle me all day. I couldn't live without my two boys! Having a boy is now not my worst nightmare, not having my boys is my absolute worst nightmare, and no girl including one I have would Ever be able to replace them! I can't describe the feeling, it's pure love!! I hope you feel it, it doesnt take away a desire for a daughter but it's a pure blessing! I can't wait till they wake up tomorrow for all my kisses and cuddles I miss them and they've only been in bed 5 hours :)

so funny--I didn't have too much GD at all--but I just can totally relate to missing my son when he's sleeping---I can't wait to hang out with him all day--never knew I could love something so much:) To the original poster--I said it before in the post, but I am sure that it will just take time for you to feel this! I have friends IRL who didn't bond with their babies until at least 3 or 4 months especially when they had GD.

[alreadyneedivf]

ps though I still also have the desire for a girl!

[hdliz]

I'm sorry you feel this way. This sounds like gd and post partum. I would look for counselling to help yourself. Ppt

[ejk741]

You sound exactly like me! I found out DD was a girl at 16 weeks. I cried when I found out.... I cried when I saw pink clothes... I cried when I had to paint her room.... I especially cried when I saw baby boys or found out that others were having baby boys. I never EVER wanted a girl. I convinced myself that the u/s was wrong. When she was born, I felt a little better. To be honest, I really just wasn't 100% in the mommy game at first. I almost resented her for not being my little boy (I know that that sounds awful... but that was how I felt). When she started to interact with me, I fell more and more in love. She is going to be one soon. I cannot imagine loving anyone as much as I love her. She literally is my world. If someone would have told me this a year ago, I wouldn't have believed them.

Like others have stated... what helped me through was knowing that my next will be a boy. I decided when I found out that she is a girl, that my next will be a HT baby. If I can't guarantee that it is a boy.. then my LO will be an only child. Even though I feel that I have overcome most of my GD, I cannot go to that dark place again.

[glory]

I know that it doesn't seem like depression but if you can't bond with your baby then you are sufferring something and probably best to talk to someone. Most PPD starts when you are actually pregnant and then by the time the baby comes you don't notice much of a difference. I think it is called perinatal depression.

There is also post natal anxiety, which if you get and don't get treated, generally turns to depression as well.

I am not trying to make you feel worse about the situation I totally get it, I really do, it's why I have gone through HT to have a girl, but it does get better with time and therapy was the best thing for me to realise that there is nothing wrong at all to have these feelings, that you are not ungrateful or a bad person, but it teaches you to see it for what it is, not to dwell on it and look forward to the future. My therpaist was 100% happy for me to do HT and although I am 'cured' (I rarely get anxiety now, even with everything I have been through the last year, I have techniques I use to deal with it before it becomes an issue) we still meet up every 3 months to discuss the ups and downs, now not having anxiety I remember how bad and real everything was then, how I tried to make sense of it but couldn't.

It does pass, I still get GD quite a bit, but it is more when I am surrounded by all my boys (dh included) and I just feel a little out of place. But it comes and goes quite quickly.

Good luck xoxo

Sorry edited to add, that I get you too on others in your family having your dg. My brother and his wife had a baby girl about 8 weeks before us, so it was a big slap in the face to be affronted to their first child, filled with girl baby showers and girl stuff when I knew I was carrying a boy, but didn't tell anyone. The kids are now almost 3 and the nicest thing is they are the best of friends now xoxo

[jils04]

Im so sorry you are going thru this. We have all been there in some way or another. Other way round for me. Built in from years and years ago. 8 wks is a very hard time. You are tired, hormonal, coupled with GD is not a fun time. Def see someone, even if to help you get to enjoy this little man. Usually when you decide to go HT for the next baby, you start to enjoy the current baby but its not happening for you .This alone makes me think that a little help via therapy or even low dose happy pills (prescribed by GP) can help.
When its time to consider HT, u can always get our advice and help on the HT forums. Yes, it is not easy, and we have all been angry we've had to go this route when others around us just have a little "sexy time" (channeling Borat) LOL and get their DG so easily, but once HT works, you are set free.
Best wishes and I hope you feel better soon.