I have lost my baby...

[pink carol]

For those who have not followed my posts, I was pregnant with my boy number 2, who was an IG opposite, since I had swayed girl.
Until today I considered myself the unhappiest person in the world because I wasn't having the girl I had planned, and today that I learnt that at 21 weeks our baby has passed away, I know what it really means to be unhappy: unhappy is losing a healthy and beautiful baby that was growing in our belly independently of his gender.
On the way back home, I crossed a couple of mums with girls and I never thought I'd see the day when girls lost all their appeal to me. Bye bye Hello Kittys, bye bye Barbies... I feel so silly to have thought I would prefer a girl instead of my boy.
Right now, I don't care for girls at all. I'd give anything to have my baby boy back and would not change him for the thousand most beautiful girls in the world.
How can we lose a pregnancy at 21 weeks? The baby was so healthy, alive, moved a lot, the amnio came back super well... How can it be that a healthy baby boy all of a sudden passes away?
Please, girls, don't feel so devastated with your gender disappointment. Losing a healthy baby is far worse than his gender. I wonder if my gender disappointment could have had anything to do with his passing away. I feel so sad, so guilty, so devastated at the moment...

[nuthinbutpink]

I'm so sorry. They can do testing so you can try to learn why he passed. Just devestating.

[atomic sagebrush]

Carol, my heart is breaking for you right now. I'm so, so terribly sorry. NOTHING you were feeling emotionally caused this to happen.

[sobz70]

I am so sorry, this is heartbreaking. I pray for you to stay strong and get through this terrible time.

[lisvna]

Oh my god in so very sorry....my hart is breaking... I'm 14 weeks pregnant with our second son, we did PGD for a girl but put also boys back and only the boy did stick. I was sad in the beginning for not having a girl and a bit happy of being pregnant with a boy. You have extra opened my eyes and I realize that every baby is very special. Thank you for that! Loosing your baby has nothing to do GD. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs!

[zanacal]

I'm so very sorry x

[coocoobananas]

I am so sorry this has happened to you:( I can't imagine how horrible this is for you. You are right, the sex isn't important in the end just a selfish wish. A healthy baby should be all we ask for! I am so so sorry.

[Shellbelle]

I am so, so sorry for your loss.

[BeadinMom]

Carol, I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. Prayers for peace for you and your family. XX

[girlmom]

im so sorry we lost our daughter at 22 weeks. i know the pain you are going through. we swayed for a boy time and time again and i was so sure this was my son. it was dd5 instead. i would give anything to have her back again but all the babies in the world can't replace her.

[myGirl]

I'm so sorry Carol, words cannot express how horrible this must be for you. Please do not feel guilty, there is nothing you did to cause this. I hope you have some strong family support to lean on and take care of you. We will be here if you want to get your feelings out. Sending a prayer for you.

[Vicki1984]

So sorry for your loss hun xxx

[RedCanoe]

So sorry for your loss. You did not cause this, so please don't feel guilty about that. You loved your baby even if you felt disappointed that you did not get the girl you swayed for. Most of us have been there. But you're right, a healthy baby is so much more important than gender. I'm so sorry that you have to go through this! :(

[pink carol]

Thank you all, girls, for your messages. Please, if anyone is in my situation, rise above your gender disappointment and just celebrate the life you're carrying. Don't let something awful like a loss take place before you learn to appreciate a baby is more than a gender.

[faithuk]

So sorry for your loss hun thinking of you xx

[Damienne]

I'm so sorry for your loss, you opened my eyes today! 💜

[Inglewood]

My thoughts are with you and your family x

[Mochagirl]

My heart is breaking for you - I'm so sorry for your loss.

[Lara3]

I can't even imagine what you are going through, but you have certainly put things into perspective, being in a similar situation to you with GD. Thank you for your openness. Thinking of you and your family xx

[TTC5]

oh I am so sorry :(

[auroara78]

Pink carol,

I am so deeply sorry to hear this. I cannot even imagine.....you did not cause this to happen. I hope you can get answers for why it happened if you so wish...and again, I cannot tell you how much I feel for you....*hugs*

[Jadis]

I'm so sorry for your loss, how traumatic for you. Thank you for sharing your story as it certainly gives us all a dose of perspective. No matter what, know that you didn't do this to your baby by wishing to have a daughter someday. This isn't your fault, tragic things happen to good people through no fault of their own. I hope that you're getting all the love and support you need right now.

[deaks66]

So sorry for your loss. Does indeed put things into perspective.

[missgozo]

I am so sorry for your loss, please do not think this is your fault. I see women that treat thei bodies badly and still carry children, not sure if that will help but what I mean is you are not to blame, Heaven just gained a Angelxxxx

[Pangea]

I am so so sorry for your loss.

[roxbelle]

I'm so deeply sorry for your loss xx

[jils04]

Im very sorry to hear this. Wishing you peace .

Sent from my GT-I9000 using Tapatalk

[n710]

Hugs PC, There really are no words, just know others are thinking of you

[fresas]

This is heart breaking. There have been so many losses here lately. It's just not fair. I'm so very sorry. I hope you get the answers you seek.

[mis2ninos]

I'm so very sorry to hear this news. Praying for you and your family.

[Rose]

I'm so very sorry for your loss. Thinking of you during this difficult time.

[princesssarah34]

My heart hurts with you! I to lost a baby boy....you can read about that in my blog which is in my siggy below! I wanted a girl so badly and then we lost him all I wanted was my baby back! When I found out I was preg. again I did care what gender I had and I had a baby boy! I like you had no desire for girls anymore or at least not so much so I choose a one over the other! I am truly sorry to hear you have to hurt like you are....it never truly goes away but it does get better!:bighug:

[Myloves]

I'm so sorry :hugs:

[pink carol]

My heart hurts with you! I to lost a baby boy....you can read about that in my blog which is in my siggy below! I wanted a girl so badly and then we lost him all I wanted was my baby back! When I found out I was preg. again I did care what gender I had and I had a baby boy! I like you had no desire for girls anymore or at least not so much so I choose a one over the other! I am truly sorry to hear you have to hurt like you are....it never truly goes away but it does get better!:bighug:
Thank you, princesssarah! Only three weeks have gone by and I'm still coping with the loss as best I can. I told Atomic that I will sort of sway very lightly pink but without compromising my fertility. I also lost all interest in girls. I'd give all the girls I've dreamt of all my life just to be pregnant with my little boy again.
All I want is to be pregnant with a healthy child like my baby was, and I don't care anymore whether it's a boy or a girl.

[fresas]

I'm so sorry. This is so heart breaking. :(

[wishing4anXX]

Oh mama, I'm so so sorry for your loss! I know how it feels to loose a baby too :( My first pregnancy wasn't planned and at first I didn't want the baby at all. I had horrible thoughts... After a few days I got used to the idea and was secretly hoping for a girl. And she was a girl! But she was very ill and died during the pregnancy as well. I was absolutely devastated and blamed myself for not wanting this baby. But you see, we can't always control our thoughts and to think our thoughts are this powerful? You are not to blame! You were just very very unlucky.

I had two boys after I lost my little girl and even though I had a preference for a girl again, I was NEVER disappointed they were boys. I was thrilled to learn they were healthy. I am still hoping to get a girl one day. In the hopes to see a glimpse of her sister in her. To get a little bit of her back. We will never get our babies back, but know that your baby boy knows you love him and miss him. And he wouldn't want you to beat yourself up over this. Grieving over a child is hard enough already. Hold on to your loved ones and let them comfort you.

[Emily]

I am so sorry to hear this. There is absolutely no way your GD could have had anything to do with his passing away. Do not feel guilty. This is not your fault.

Emily x

[Mum23boys]

Im so sorry to hear of your loss but nothing you were feeling is why this happened. Sending you great big cyber hugs. xxx

[pink carol]

Oh mama, I'm so so sorry for your loss! I know how it feels to loose a baby too :( My first pregnancy wasn't planned and at first I didn't want the baby at all. I had horrible thoughts... After a few days I got used to the idea and was secretly hoping for a girl. And she was a girl! But she was very ill and died during the pregnancy as well. I was absolutely devastated and blamed myself for not wanting this baby. But you see, we can't always control our thoughts and to think our thoughts are this powerful? You are not to blame! You were just very very unlucky.

I had two boys after I lost my little girl and even though I had a preference for a girl again, I was NEVER disappointed they were boys. I was thrilled to learn they were healthy. I am still hoping to get a girl one day. In the hopes to see a glimpse of her sister in her. To get a little bit of her back. We will never get our babies back, but know that your baby boy knows you love him and miss him. And he wouldn't want you to beat yourself up over this. Grieving over a child is hard enough already. Hold on to your loved ones and let them comfort you.

Your message is very moving, wishing4anXX! Thank you!

Thank you all, girls for your lovely messages!!

[Tiffani3]

I'm so sorry x x x

[sweetpea]

I am so very sorry for your loss. :( Please don't think that anything you thought or felt has caused this. It was a tragic incident that you had no control over. I hope you get some answers as to why this happened, and I pray for comfort and peace to surround you. ***hugs***

[luckylass]

I have just seen this post now and wanted to say I am so so sorry for your loss. Please take care of yourself.

[pink carol]

Thank you, girls, for your feedback!!

[spinningmadly]

Hi carol ,
I am so sorry. I actually left the site for a while as I had lost our girl (girl after 2 boys) at about 20 weeks (on May 26) as well with no explanation..still don't have one.
I felt a lot of guilt for even caring and worrying about the gender after it happened :/

I jsut wanted to say I am sorry for your loss and I understand how hard it is.

[pink carol]

I'm sorry for your loss, too, spinningmadly. It's a nightmare. Even if you had an explanation, your baby is not here anymore and for me that's all that counts. I hope you find inner peace, especially since she was your cherished girl after two boys. Don't feel guilty. I also did. We are entitled to have our little illusions. In my case, I learnt the hard way that girls are not better than boys and that we have to love our babies whatever their gender. I would give all the girls in the world to get my little boy back. Keep your hope up, too, and be strong!

[princesssarah34]

Pink Carol again I am sorry you had to endure this in your life. And for those who have lost there little ones boys or girls, early in or late in pregnancy my heart goes out to you all. Losing a baby or child changes a mother forever! You will never be the same person you once were. And you heart will always have a spot for that child. But it does the pain does ease as time goes by. I lost Evan Daniel Dec. 2010 and here it is almost 2 yrs later and I still shed tears when I think of him but not like I once did. 3 months after having to deliver him I could walk into the kitchen look around and just start crying, sobbing uncontrollably!! It was awful nothing I did made me feel better and my family was helpless to it. But I finally realized I needed help with the grief and so I decided to do something that is called Biofeedback....there are many things you can use it for and one is called Emotional Biofeedback. Now I don't always tell everyone about this stuff but I am a firm believer in this! For 2 reasons 1. it has help my DS1 with a lot of his emotional issues and 2. it is how I got pregnant with DS2 after 1 1/2 yrs of trying. I did biofeedback and one month after I did it I was pregnant with him.
And this time I needed it for my heart, mind and sanity! One month after doing the emotional biofeedback I felt normal again I could function everyday without a emotional breakdown. Don't get me wrong it didn't fix the hole in my heart or the sadness every so often but it helped me heal the emotions that were so overwhelming. So I know other may poo poo it but it helped me so much and if you find yourselves having a really hard time like I did....just think about giving it a try. It can hurt! Much love to you all!

[pink carol]

Thank you for your advice, Princessarah and for your private message! I'll check about Biofeedback in the net to see what I come up with. What I have tried and I'm sure has worked is CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy). In case anyone needs some psychological homeshift help, check this British site: GET.gg Cognitive Behaviour Therapy Self-Help Resources (http://www.getselfhelp.co.uk)
I also do meditation and listen to a lot of positive thinking and self-hypnosis tapes. Before getting out of bed I listen to my first tape. I alternate tapes about self-esteem, destress, confidence and fertility (I'm bracing myself for an attempt either in November or December, depending on how my body responds).
I also do yoga, though any sort of physical activity is good to boost your spirits and get you out of the self-pity mode.
Like you say, it doesn't fix the hole in your heart, but we are still here and have to deal with our life the best we can. We owe it to our children to be the best person we can be, especially because we are their role-model and we'd better show them how to be resilient people who deal with life's punches in the sanest way possible. It would be easier if we didn't receive these blows, but we do and have to take them.
I am better on the crying game now, but the past two months I cried my eyes out anytime, anywhere. I sobbed my days away. Nothing special would trigger the tears, though I was particularly sensitive to the sight of pregnant women with bumps who might look as if they're about to deliver by the time I should have to. I still find myself sobbing now and then and I am not ashamed of crying. One day we were sobbing shamelessly in a café with one of my best friends and she said onlookers didn't bother her. She said "Tell them what you've been through and I'm sure they'll cry too." I think it's good for the soul, though it is more embarrassing for hubby and son. Men!
When I saw the picture of Evan I cried because Luca looked exactly like him. They were about the same age.
But then I'm happy there is a happy end to your story with a new boy. I hope I'm also blessed with a new life. It won't replace my little Luca but life gives us hope, while this bleak contact with death is unnatural.
I'm sure your post is a big example for all the girls in the site who are in our position.
A big hug to you, princessarah!!