Problems with DH

[clarabell]

Hi, I am a mum to three lovely boys. The last two I tried to sway pink and failed. After DS2 I suffered for GD, but was untreated. Eventually I convienced DH to try again certain that I would have DD. No I had another boy. I found out at the 20 week scan and had to have see a councilor. (didn't really help). I'm sure she thought I was crazy. I just feel people don't understand. My little boy is nearly a year and he is so cute, but I do always feel I have something missing. I do talk about sway for another girl, but my DH says NO to anymore babies. He is happy with the three we have, he wanted to stick at one. So I have already battled. He says I am so unhappy and that he would rather see me with somone else and happy is they wanted children. I really don't know what to do, I thought I was coping well with the dissapointment, getting by thinking maybe one day. I do resent him as I think he should love me enough to want to try again. Yes people may say why do you want a girl so much, and will it really make you happy? I know it's only other women on here, who feel the way I do and may understand. I don't know if I should try and save my marriage (we nearly divorced 2 years ago) or go our own ways and maybe desiny will find mw somone new. This is so hard for me to write or think as we have been together for over twenty years and I do love him. I just think is DS2 or DS3 was a girl then none of this would be happening to me. Does anyone else have grief from their DH like this?

[RedCanoe]

So sorry you're feeling down. GD really sucks and most of us on this board have felt this way, so we definitely understand. You do have to be careful though, because unless you're able to go HT to guarantee that if you conceive it will be a DD, with every failed sway you are bound to feel worse than the one before. And it's not fair to your children and to your DH to keep having kids if it's not really more kids that you want but a DD. Are you able to consider HT? I know it's not for everyone, especially considering the $$ aspect, but it doesn't sound to me like swaying would be a great option for your family at this time. You don't really want another child, you want a DD...

Anyway, not sure I'm helping you any, but I do want you to know that I get how you're feeling and so do a lot of others on here. *hugs*

[clarabell]

Thanks for the reply. Yes I would go HT if I had the money. But the simple thing is my DH doesn't want ANY more children. I really had him over a barrel for number three, this was my last and only hope with my DH. Now our marriage is under real strain. He says I will never be happy untill I get a girl and I think he is right. But I don't know what to do when I feel empty yet I have the most wonderful children which ,akes me feel so guilty. Do I risk my marraige, although there have been other issues. I have even considered having a sperm donnor and being on my own. My DH currently works overseas so our relationship is difficult anyway. I feel such resentment towrds so many friends which all have DD and DS and didn't seem to mind what they had. This seems unfair to me. Then I think if my DH loved me more he would give into me. I feel like a spoilt brat and is really getting me down.

[clarabell]

REdcanoe

I see you went HT, I forgot to say congrats on your news. I bet this was a stressful time. Your DH is obviously supportive. Was this your first cycle? How was the whole experience ?
x

[alreadyneedivf]

Hi. i am so sorry to hear about your GD and your problems with your husband.

My sis is a therapist and so I speak to her often about issues. She always says, and I totally agree, don't ever feel guilty for how you feel. Your heart will feel how it feels, and you can't feel guilty for how you feel. That only makes it worse.

i agree wholeheartedly with RC. if you don't want to risk it, I think HT would be the best option. I think most DHs are not overly supportive of the process, but do come around. Maybe if you tell him that if you get pregnant, then it will definitelybe a girl, that may convince him. I'm not sure.

I think if it wasn't this though, we'd probably all stress about something else that can test a relationship. I only have one child, so I can't really talk too much about GD (although now I do have strong desire for a girl too) but DH and I had job issues in this economy a few years ago when we first got married. I think a lot of things can test a relationship and have people stress, but during that time I remember I kept saying why us. However, everything does work out in the end.

I know you said you saw a therapist, maybe you can see another one (that you feel more comfy with) to be able to discuss these life decisions. I am a big fan of therapists, and I know most people aren't, but I think they can really help you determine your next steps in life.

[nuthinbutpink]

When you marry someone, it is a partnership and you have to both agree to any major life decision IMO and you cannot fault him for knowing his limits. If your marriage is already in trouble, I don't think you should have any more kids, period. That won't make it any easier!

I don't think it is a realistic option to divorce him, go on your way with 3 young kids, find another man, get married and then have more kids *hoping* it is a girl...that's not a very good plan. What if you have another boy?

I think you either find a way to do HT and perhaps the guarantee will make number 4 okay for him or you find something for YOU that makes you happy. Using a donor, you still have to pay and go through IVF with PGD to get your guarantee so that is even more expensive than going through IVF with DH.

Leaving your DH changes your boys lives forever. It changes who they are and who they shall become. I would think long and hard about any drastic changes that affect so many.

I'm sorry you're hurting. I know GD is terrible. I just don't want your existing family ruined because of it. Perhaps you could seek therapy with DH or without or medication.

[secretly sad]

:hugs: GD is the worst thing I have ever experienced in my life. You are not alone, we are all here for you xx

[clarabell]

Thanks for both your replies. I totally agree that these are major decissions and certainly HT is the only 100% way to get DD. Sometimes I think why am I getting so stressed when I know we cannot even afford tis at the moment even if he agreed. I know seperating will desroy my boys. I am used to being alone as he works overseas alot. Two years ago we parted and were near to a divorce but I have worked so hard to keep this family together. Now he says he doesn't know what he wants but def no more children. I think he is being unfair, but you are right he is allowed to now his limits. Now I think we are both stale mate! It does seem so unfair that we must face these challenges. I might speak to my GP again, I am already on medication for GD and PND. Not much fun to feel like this. Sometimes I think if we part I would have more chance of having another baby with some one else than with DH. Why does this huge reponsibility have to be my fault and what I want? Not fair that I have to have this GD

[myGirl]

GD is horrible, I'm so sorry you are in the thick of it right now. I also had it with DS2 and DS3. Just speaking from my experience with my husband, If your DS3 is only a year old, he (your hubby) may be feeling overwhelmed and stressed about the responsibility (financially and otherwise) of his family. My hubby would not discuss trying for #4 right after #3 was here. I don't work so he feels a lot of pressure to succeed at his job and provide for us. He grew up very poor and wants his kids to have everything he didn't. So I prayed that God would either take away my desire for a DD, or open the door for me to have her. (I can remember telling DH maybe I should leave him and find another guy to get me PG again- but really, would I ever do that to my boys? No)

Then DS3 turned 2 and it became clear he had developmental delays. I was told he might have Autism. The same week, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. My world fell apart and I began to realize how blessed I was all along. I can't tell you how many times I cried my eyes out with guilt over wishing my DS3 had been a girl and not appreciating him enough. I totally lost my desire to have any more kids because it would take away my attention from the 3 I had.

Eventually, my little guy was diagnosed with a language processing disorder. He got therapy and he's going to be ok. My mom recovered too. I just turned 40 and have baby fever again! I really, really want a girl, but I would love another DS too... DH took some time to convince, but he's on board now too.

Sorry for writing a novel here, but I just wanted to give you the perspective of my experience. I know this is not what you want to hear at this time, but can you put ttc#4 on hold and try to just enjoy your three precious boys? Just tell yourself that it's not a closed door, it's something you will do a little later. This may give your husband time to adjust and take the pressure off him. You never know, he may be more receptive in the future.

[skrimpy]

When I was pregnant with my DD I had really horrible GD and a lot of depression. I was in such a dark place and my DH did not handle it well. Neither of us did. He made comments about us never having another baby if this was how it was going to be.

After my DD was born, I was able to work through the depression and overcome. I was able to look back and realize my mistakes and also see that many of DH's mistakes were him reacting because he was upset he couldn't "fix" everything for me. He could not "make" me happy with getting another DD. He felt the pregnancy and baby caused the issues.

We are on the other side of that now, both of us have had time to heal and be able to talk about it without being right in the middle of it. We both know we messed up.

My DH agreed to another baby, knowing that I still really want a boy. I also learned that GD is incredibly hard but I still fell head over heels in love with my baby and wouldn't change her for the world. He has been much more sensitive this pregnancy, very caring and loving. I've also been much more careful to take care of myself and my emotional well-being.

I'm sharing because I think GD and depression seriously strain a relationship... And the thought of no more babies when you really want one is devastating. But it's important to consider that you are NOT thinking clearly when you are depressed and struggling with GD. I know I wasn't. And remember, despite what you want in life, you need to think of your boys, too. If your DH is good to you and to them, it may not be best to separate in hopes of the DD you may never conceive. It could be that as you heal and start doing better, your DH will be more open to another or even HT if that's what you desire.

I have been a single mom with three young kids and I count my blessings every day my DH is the man he is to fall in love with me and adopt the kids... Our life was not easy at all when we were alone. I have also been there with a DH who feels helpless and me feeling helpless due to GD and depression. That was really hard but my marriage to DH and him being a great father to my kids made overcoming that worth it. I would have been heartbroken if he had stuck by "no more babies" - but more heartbroken to lose my hubby and my children's father.

Take or leave, but hoping sharing that might help you a bit (((hugs)))

[1wish]

I totally agree with nothingbutpink. Your words exactly.

[zibibbogirl]

Oh Clarabell, that is tough.

Some men, well some people really, just don't get GD at all. I am so sorry that you are having a difficult time. I think it is really hard for men in particular to comprehend how we feel about our family make-up because they simply don't spend as much time planning their families as we do. There is a saying "Women know everything about their children; their best friend, their favourite color, their hopes and dreams. Men are vaguely aware of some smaller people also living in the house". Most of us ladies have thought about our families/children since we were little girls. When our dreams don't become reality, we experience grief/loss. There are some men who probably long for a son or a daughter for a particular reason in the same way women do, but most DH's really just want a say in how many kids they have. Some might cave in and have another one or two if their wife really, really wanted to just to make them happy. My DH really doesn't really mind and is happy to leave it up to me, and I don't take his easy going attitude for granted, I know he is the exception.

I left a marriage previously and it is not an easy decision to make, especially when children are involved. I don't regret my decision to leave, but my decision wasn't based on wanting more children or wanting a girl, there were many other issues and it was an unhappy marriage. I know GD is very serious but I think for me, there would have to be issues other than GD at play to give up on an otherwise happy marriage.

If this is a deal breaker for you, it may end up causing larger issues if you allow your frustration to become resentment and eventually more. If you are otherwise happy and it is the issue of wanting a girl that is causing the problem, perhaps you could attempt a compromise. Would he perhaps let you have one more child if you go high tech and if you promised to let it go and move on if it did not work? I don't know if that is a deal you would be prepared to make. Only you know if you can let go of your dream for a DD.

I wish you luck and clarity of thought.

[n710]

Hugs Clarabell!
GD can be very isolating. I definitely agree with others that you should focus on your marriage first. Try to find what brought you to your husband in the first place.

That being said, maybe you and he could comfort one another if you both saw a therapist? Like if you really explained to him that you love your children, you are just said at the loss of an experience. You are mourning the opportunity of experiencing a daughter.
Maybe he would understand those terms better? Also, if you explain the examples of things you feel you may miss. Definitely give the examples of things you feel grateful to experience though having boys.

NEVER feel guilty of your feelings, none of them mean you love your children any less. I think it's very easy for folks who don't understand to think we think we are lacking in the children we have. It's never that, it's that we feel we are lacking an experience (which we have to remember gender doesn't always fix)

My DS is way more cuddly than DD#1-you never know what you end up with. I love them both dearly, but they definitely don't fully fit our culture's "gender stereotypes" My daughter would be way more likely to go out for football than my son;)

Your DH may be more understanding if you doing things that show him you were very appreciative of him trying for your third and also making him feel needed. Guys always have to feel they are needed by us and that we have to rely on them-contributes to their self-worth. GL, it can be sooo difficlult when your partner doesn't understand

[clarabell]

Hi thank you all for your support. I do agree with you all and know I cannot loose my family over my own selfish desires. I just pray that maybe one day my dream might come true if this is my destiny. I know my Dh worries about money and other practical reasons. I have to now pretend I'm all ok and it's gone away. I know this GD will always be there but I have to learn to deal with it for all our sakes . I have good times and bad. Glad you all understand. Thanks for the support x