why is this getting to me?

[auroara78]

OK, well, an old co-worker and I (I work in a library now, she's a stay-at-home Mom) talk once in a great while on Facebook. We used to be really good friends a few years ago, she even read some of my stuff that I wrote, but after a few stabs she gave me during a trying time with our higher supervisor, I started to see her in a new light, as in she was not a real, true friend.

Still, we talk here and talk about light fluffy stuff, but I have never really forgiven her for taking stuff I said privately to the higher-up. (Yeah, I guess my fault too for trusting someone and opening up.)...

Anyway, last week she PM'ed on Facebook and said that was expecting her 2nd child in Dec. She has a son, and we were pregnant together at the same job when I was carrying DS2. So she knew about my gender disappointment with him, and I really had wanted a daughter. She didn't want a girl at all, and was very happy her first child was her DG.

Anyway, I just had a *feeling*, a very strong one when she told she was pg again that this new baby would be a girl, because it's people like that always have pidgeon pairs. I'm not sure what is wrong with me about PPs; I honest to God never desired a PP myself, as far as only having a boy and a girl and then be DONE. The only reason why I really wanted DS2 to be a girl was that I was afraid I'd never get my daughter and wanted to "lock her in" per se, so that when I kept having kids it wouldn't "matter" gender-wise because I would have already at least had one of each.

I am slightly annoyed at myself at the whole PP thing, about how much it makes me upset, and why should it? I have chosen my life and path, and so if someone else wants to only have 2 kids, why does it eat at me so much?

She said in the PM that she is open to anything for her 2nd, but still had a preference for another boy because she thinks boys are easier, etc, she's not sure about raising a girl because she had some insecurities growing up (about weight) etc, she's opening up to me and being really nice, but all I can think is, 'she's going to have a PP, she'll have a daughter...' and it eats on me because I think how unfair that a woman like her can so easily get a daughter when others have struggled, prayed, wished, dreamed of having a girl, and here she is so casual and almost reluctant about it!

So yesterday I came home from work, check Facebook, and sure enough she is having a girl.

Maybe I should be weirdly glad, since the girl then is NOT her desired gender, but instead it just makes me even more annoyed, like why should someone like that who didn't even WANT a girl child be blessed with one? It's those kind of people that make it seem so easy...she had the boy first, then girl, and I know everyone probably expected that outcome!

Yes, I'm mental, and I don't know why this is getting to me. I am having my daughter, who I've dreamed and fantasized about for so long. This doesn't really matter to me, as I don't really talk or interact with this person a whole lot...grrrr

Just needed to get it off my chest. Thanks for anyone who reads this.

[Hobbermittens]

I'm sorry, Auroara. :hugs: GD is so screwy!

I am like your friend, who never wanted a girl, and keeps being "blessed" with them regardless. The whole situation is stupid, isn't it? Your friend gets her PP, which is annoying to you and probably others, though she would have preferred BB. I bet that's how people felt about me having DS after DD1.

I have a lot of friends who get boys without trying, or would have preferred a girl. It seems ridiculous that things work out that way, when I am so desperate to have another boy. It is completely unfair. I can't decide which is worse-- when people get their DG without trying, or when people get what I want (a boy), when they would rather have the opposite.

[auroara78]

For me of course it is when people get what I want and they don't want it....obviously, it makes me get all mad! LOL

For some reason, when ppl get their DG, I feel really good, like I know that child will be really loved and nutured and cherished, as if it would be any other way (Obviously, even with an opposite, it is still your child, you love and take good care of them....)....I know, mental.....

[Yuzu]

Sometimes GD seems to have something to do with not getting our desired family type, rather than the desired gender. A boy and a girl seems to the perfect family, even if it's not what you wanted personally. I mean, on the commercials when you see a family what do you see? Mom, dad, daughter, son. Almost always. So it's hard to see someone who doesn't 'deserve' it get the perfect family right off the bat.

[Mochagirl]

I understand, auroara. It seems to me it's always the easygoing parents who genuinely don't care what gender they get who get the pp. One of my closest friends was pregnant at the same time I was with ds3 and she has an older son the same age as my twins. She said she didn't care either way and thought maybe a second boy would be easier, and guess what? OF COURSE she has a girl. It was really tough for me at the time because I was suffering bad GD since I was pregnant with my 3rd boy.

And like you, I still see PPs everywhere I look and wonder how different my life would have been if that's the way it had worked out for us. We would have had more money, more space, and things like travel would have actually been possible.

The best cure for this, though, is to snuggle up with my 3 boys and think about not only how much joy they've brought to my life, but also how serendipitous it was that I ended up with the same family structure that I grew up with: 3 boys and a girl. I watched my Mom this week as she was dealing with the death of my father, and she's been surrounded non-stop with her 4 kids and her 8 (almost 9) grandkids - whenever she needs someone, we're theree. She's always telling me what a rich woman she is with so many loved ones, and I agree. She has friends with no grandchildren and they tell my Mom all the time how much they envy her. I hope to have what she has some day too :HH:.

[fish2012]

Understand totally, i try to remember its only me that's getting upset so best to try and not think too deeply about it,

I have always been happy with the idea of three kids my husbands preference but wanted DS1 to be a girl so it was in the bag after that I wasn't too fussed 3 girls/1 girl, 2 boys/ 2girls 1 boy, I find it really hard that lots of people have thier DD and I'm going through all this swaying at the moment with not even a BFP and if I do get a BFP it might be another DS!

[auroara78]

Yes I have to remind myself that I never wanted just two kids, I always really wanted 3, maybe 4, so that is exactly what I am getting! It's guess its the casualness that kills me too--like Mocha said, the ones who seem to have no gender desire just magically get blessed with one of each!

and fish, I was the same way too--I just wanted a daughter for my first, to make sure I had one, then with the second preg, I got more frantic about it. But I look at my two boys and they really, truly are the awesome little people I was meant to have, meant to come into my life :)

[BeadinMom]

First off, that chick is a WORM if she went to your big boss and betrayed your confidence. And if I were you, I'd turn on the passive-aggressiveness if you speak to her and tell her how terribly sorry you are that she's having a girl when she wanted another boy. Sometimes I think people say that just to set things up in case they're disappointed.

While I get the whole pp thing, I never really wanted it. I am so close to my sisters, I knew boys or girls, I'd want my children to have that bond. But I do still want a girl now - for me. I want to know what it's like to have a daughter. And I also worry that if my next baby is a boy, they may feel distant from the other boys, since there will be such an age gap. That actually worries me a lot. It's one more reason I'd love a girl.

[ThreeMenAndALAdy]

Love your post Mocha!!!!! I have 3 boys and a girl. Thank you. You've put a huge smile on my face and tears in my eyes! I'm sorry to hear about your dad, and glad you all have eachother.

[ThreeMenAndALAdy]

I remember my conversation in the u/s room when we were finding out the gender of baby #2. When they said baby was another boy I looked at my husband and said "we're having one more baby"!!! The thought of not getting another shot was just about the most devastating thing in the world to me at the time. When ds 2 arrived he was the baby I never knew I always wanted. But the desire for a dd was raging inside of me. I got my dd and I still have the incredibly strong desire for another little girl. Almost more than my first dd. When I had her I said to mysef, "she needs a sister" to go through life with. I was blessed with another amazing little man and that's why I'm here again. Dh is great but stressed about this baby stuff. I don't blame him. I am too!! I love all of my childen and wouldn't change the makeup for a million girls. But I hate gd. I can't believe it exists and hope mine will go away if I have another ds. Either way dh is getting the big V so my head and heart better get wrapped around the idea, and like it!!!!

[ThreeMenAndALAdy]

And a very good friend of mine is 12 weeks pregnant this weekend. She has 1 girl and 2 boys. This baby was a surprise and she really wants another dd. I'm afraid if I hear she is having a girl it will tear me up. It's so awful to write and feel like this. It's not the kind of person I am, but gd is stinky like that. I hope I'm pregnant by then so it may not bother me as much. And to boot, she seems to be a copy cat. Every time I get pregnant she does. And I started talking about having another baby with her in Jan or Feb. We were kidding around about getting pregnant behind my husband's back. I said I could never do that, and amazingly enough she gets pregnant a few months later "accidentally".

[Mrs_P]

Although i always wanted a girl, i never wanted more than one. It was important for me though that any sons had brothers. My ideal family was two boys and a girl, i have three boys am now desperate for my girl to give a slightly extended dream family lol

i am so happy for you that you got your girl. whereas i do feel gd quite badly when others get their girls without even trying especially when they don't even appreciate what they've got gd never comes into it when a mom in my position gets her girl. I suppose its because i know exactly what it means to you, you deserve you daughter and you will have my version of an ideal family enjoy them and don't let her get to you thats probably why she's done it in the first place some people just enjoy getting at others

[auroara78]

Oh, threemenalady, I know how you feel!!! Right after finding out DS2 was a boy, we were eating lunch and DH could see how sad I was, and he said, "we can try for a girl next." and that just made me day, and I started to enjoy the thought of my older son having a brother, and it really helped my gender desire.

Beadinmom, yeah, I don't even know why I bother talking to her on Facebook. She really, deeply hurt me at my other job because I thought and I told her numerous times things said were supposed to stay in confidence, but she wanted a promotion, so she kissed the supervisor's butt and spilled the beans, but of course, added more than what I had said, making it even WORST! I've thought about turning it around, like you said, but it's just so not me....the thought makes me smile though :) but I can't imagine myself playing the game with her like that...think I'm just gonna walk away from it.

Mrs_P, thank you so much for your kind words! It hits me all the time that I am lucky that I am getting the little lady that I have desired my whole life. I so sincerely hope your next baby, ThreeMenandaLady, and BeadinMom all get GIRLS!! You ladies truly, honestly deserve the girlies!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[ThreeMenAndALAdy]

Thanks Auroara and Mrs. P. This site is so addictive because women like you are on it. Full of encouragement and well wishes. It means so much to me. Mrs. P, I'll be stalking you like crazy hoping you get your dd. Are you ttc right now? I don't know much about everyone yet, but I'd like to.