So guilty; please help

[Yuzu]

I'm sitting here with my 3 mos old DS in my lap. He is my third DS. He is the most wonderful, cute, special little guy. I love him more than the moon and the stars.

So why am I thinking in the back of my mind, "when can I try again for a little girl?" I'm of advanced maternal age and I really don't have much more time to have little ones. I just want a little girl so badly! But when I think that it's almost like I don't appreciate my special little guy.:sad:

I really wish I didn't have this ache for a DD. It doesn't help that my sister has a DD who is beautiful AND sweet. I try not to be jealous, but sometimes when I see her in dresses and ribbons I have to admit I am.

I'm so embarrassed. I know I will be TTC sometime. But it feels like I'll always be the mother of sons and never have that DD I dream of. I guess I'm feeling a little down about it lately.

[skrimpy]

(((hug))) hun. It's okay. I think what you are feeling is completely normal. I know that I feel guilty now, because I keep thinking about TTC "the next one" and get a little boy... rather than enjoying pregnancy with the little girl I'm carrying now.

It is hard not to be jealous and it's hard not to feel guilty. But I found that it was best just to let myself think about planning for the little boy for a bit, and now I feel better about that - knowing that he is coming in the future... and I can enjoy my pregnancy/little girl now. For me it helps to think about what I hope to teach her as she grows, and to remember that even though I have a DD, this new baby is unique and special.

Take the time to enjoy your little man, and to feel joy about the thought of giving him a little sister in the future - I think just accepting that desire is the best thing to do. Then you can look forward to it and enjoy him for who he is, and give him his time as a baby before you are ready to TTC for the next baby.

Don't know if this helped or not but I know I have struggled with a lot of guilt, too. For me just accepting how I felt and knowing that it's OK to have hopes for the future while still loving the baby I'm having now helped.

[nuthinbutpink]

If you are bad then I am terrible. I was mapping out my HT plans for DS when I found out that kids number 3 was another girl. So, don't beat yourself up over the way you feel. It does not mean that you love your kids any less just because you want to experience raising the other gender. Hang in there!

[Yuzu]

Thank you both so much; I actually do feel better knowing that I'm not the only one who has these thoughts and feelings. I guess I'll try to deal with them as they come. I can always look at pictures of pink nurseries, can't I?

[Liv]

It's obvious you love your boys! All of us who have dealt with GD are familiar with what you are feeling. The guilt is horrible. I remember coming home from my US with DS2 and closing my bedroom door and just broke down. Then I felt even more crappy all with the guilt. Take care.

[Julianna]

I understand how you feel! I have 3 boys also...my youngest just turned one at the end of January. I so desperately want a little girl!!! That is all I ever actually wanted was girls. Well, now that I have 3 wonderful boys I am not sad that they are here, but it does not make my need for a daughter any less either! Don't beat yourself up about it, but do try to enjoy your baby before he is not a baby anymore! I hope you feel better soon, and I hope that you get your little girl someday, too!

[atomic sagebrush]

It is totally normal to feel this way. I completely understand as I am 40 and I will never get a DD.

The interesting thing is, once I accepted that it would not happen, my GD vanished almost overnight. Sometimes it's keeping the hope alive that kills you.

Honestly, I have found that I actually have grown to love my life just as it is and even though I would love another baby, I would welcome a boy just as much as a girl and it actually makes more sense for our family to have another son. It probably won't happen, but I just want you to know that it is possible to have very severe GD (mine was also with DS 3) and come back from it, even to the point of wanting another son.