Friend who "forgot" gender desire...

[hotdogz&boyz]

I am having a difficult time with a "friend" of mine. We were never terribly close, but we did have one thing in common (and more, of course). But we would talk about both of us wanting a daughter one day and how we felt a little disappointment when our second child was our second boy. We used to joke around about going HT (neither of us has the means or true desire to). And we discussed things like swaying (although I never told her we were actually planning to).

Well, she got pregnant with her third, unexpectedly in December of last year. And gave birth in mid-august to a gorgeous little girl. Naturally, she is happy. I am happy for her as well. I actually had no jealousy toward her having a girl, since i knew she wanted one as badly as i do.

But since then, she has said no fewer than ten times "Oh, gender doesn't matter, they are all so great. We wouldnt have cared if she were a boy, you shouldn't either." And THAT is what is making me want to punch her. SHE HAS HER DESIRED GENDER! Of course she can say she wouldn't care. But fact of the matter is, she told me back before her gender scan that she was scared she would bawl on the table if they said boy again.

And now she is all hearts and roses and "no one should be disappointed, it's a baby."

I am thinking about just distancing myself from her. But I don't want her to assume it is because she got a girl and I didn't (yet). It is simply because she is acting like a hypocrite. Like it was okay for her to have gender desire and disappointment, but now that she got what she wanted, no one else should feel those feelings. I certainly am no longer mentioning my gender desire (it's actually not even that strong, compared to what I have seen in other folks) and I am certainly not disappointed in my sons who are delightful little guys. But I do find it nettles my brain every time she repeats "oh, it doesn't matter." Is it her guilt for feeling that way in the first place coming out?

Has anyone experienced this? What would you do in this situation?

[Petal]

Hi, maybe she is saying it because she doesnt want to hurt your feelings, like if she kept saying how great her baby girl is and glad she had a girl etc that it may be like rubbing salt in the wounds etc, she may genuinley be trying to help as she knows you want a little girl too iukwim.

Ive a freind who has one of each, and she just goes on all the time about how perfect and cute her little girl is, daddies little girl blah blah, she knows i wanted a girl and she drives me insane with all her comments lol x

[atomic sagebrush]

I think about 80% of people do seem to forget, even people who had some pretty extreme GD and spent years on IG in a pretty bad way, seem to magically forget about it once they get their DG. Even to the point of putting down people who weren't so lucky and calling them bad moms. It bums me out because I feel like we're all in this together really.

Petal makes a good point in that maybe she's trying to make you feel better, perhaps in a rather clumsy fashion??? The alternative of people saying "OMG this is SO great, you NEED a girl" probably wouldn't be any better (although it would at least feel a little bit more honest!!)

Also, I think babies are babies and my baby girl is really no different from my boys at this point - I think they don't really become "girls" in my mind until they're 3-4 or so, till then they really are just babies. Maybe your friend is either disappointed or feels a bit silly now looking back because her baby is just a baby and not doing anything particularly "girly".

[Mrs_P]

I think its easy to feel like that when the shoe is on the other foot. Once you have what you want its easier to appreciate what you have. I completely understand how you feel. From what i know from moms who got lucky it is quite a common feeling but then its easy to feel that when you have what you want.

Hopefully we'll all get that smug feeling one day but until then we are hear if you want to talk to people who understand x

[Wanting a daughter]

I would probably call her on it and say something like "that's not what you were saying a year ago...remember". Probably not the kindest approach but I don't think I could help myself.

[hotdogz&boyz]

Some great points you ladies brought up! I might have been looking at it all wrong. I'll try to give her the benefit of the doubt and maybe she will stop trying to make me feel better or just stop saying things at all. And it's a good point that her girl really isn't much different than her boys at this point and she might feel a little silly for making such a big deal out of. I hope that if I ever get my girl though that I am a little more sensitive to how those comments would sound.

[*ruby*]

I don't know. Maybe once you have your desired gender it's easy to wonder why it was such a big deal, really they're all babies and the love is the same.

But it sounds much like parents of pidgeon pairs I know that say they just "don't understand" the desire for one gender over another. Of course they don't understand they have 1 of each!!!

[hotdogz&boyz]

^^Lol. Sounds like my mom. She knows I have a fairly strong desire for a girl (although I will say that if I had two girls instead of two boys, I would be strongly desiring a boy now, kWIM?). She always says " I just don't understand it."

She got pregnant with her first child the first month they tried. She wanted a girl. My dad wanted a girl. They had me. She got pregnant with her second child a month BEFORE their planned trying time. She wanted a boy. My dad says he didn't care but she claims he was leaning boy too. They had my brother. She got an oopsie baby four years later, right before they decided to be done. She wanted a boy, my dad wanted a girl...she got my youngest brother.

Seriously!! No wonder she doesn't understand gender desire...she got exactly what she "ordered" every single time she got pregnant! Heck, she even got a brown-eyed daughter like she wanted and got a son with her descended mothers green eyes. How much more of an order could she put in??

I do understand WHY she doesn't understand. But it's sorta a moot point when she never had to deal with what it was like to not get what she wanted. (But she does TRY to be understanding, all while saying I could give her ten grandsons and she would be thrilled.)

[lisvna]

I think what your friend will say to you it's never good enough.....maybe she just says it because she don't want to make you feel bad. On the other hand if she will say how wonderful it is to have a girl you feel bad because she is rubbing it in to your face. Either way it's never good.....

[*ruby*]

My mum is the same except she had 3 girls, exactly what she wanted. She told me after she had number 2 she couldn't believe she was lucky enough to get 2 girls, then for number 3 preferred girl but would have been okay with a boy.

This annoy's me because she acts like girls are first prize and they are all princesses and boys just aren't as exciting in her eyes. So I tell her I'm thrilled to have boys and have no desire for a girl. But still she thinks if we have another it will be for only for a girl, she doesn't understand how anyone could be happy with only boys, I get soo angry about it sometimes. I can just imagine her reaction if we have boy number 3.

My sister has one of each and wants a third but her partner doesn't want anymore and my mum keeps saying to her why do you want another anyway you have the perfect family. So frustrating. I just find it upsetting, esp when she favours my sister's daughter over my boys.

[zibibbogirl]

I think it is sad when our friends and families devalue our family make up because it is not what they themselves would want. I can understand that three boys may not be everybody's idea of an ideal family make up, but I love my family and I think it is almost perfect (with the addition of our little princess, it will be perfect). Your friend is being a tad insensitive. It is like she got what she wanted and now she has forgotten all about how hard it was before she got that magnificent gift. I know it is easy to say now, before we have a DD, but if I am lucky enough to get her I will never take that for granted. It is like some people cross over to the "other side" when they get their desired gender....

[dreamingpink77]

I know exactly what you are talking about. A friend of mine also did exactly the same thing. We both wanted a girl, and often spoke of what we would do if we had a girl, how our relationship with our daughter would be, how we would go shopping with our daughters and a lot of other stuff. Both me and her sometimes discussed our own childhood which was not exactly how we wished it. We both wanted a better relationship with our mothers and so always wanted a daughter to sort of have a better relationship with our daughter. Then I had my wonderful son and she had her so desired daughter. After that, every time I mentioned that I would have loved to have a child and hopefully a daughter, all of a sudden she began to say that gender does not matter and the important thing is that the baby is healthy. Actually I too believe that that is the most important thing, that the baby is healthy, but I just couldn't stand her saying that. After all she had what she always wanted, a daughter. And I am probably never going to experience what it would be like to have a duaghter. Don't get me wrong, I was happy she had her daughter, it's just her comments that bother me. We are still good friends, and I love her a lot, but I never get to talk about this with her anymore. I did not tell her that I'm ttc let alone tell her that I'm trying to sway. I really wish I could tell her because she is one of the most persons I like to talk about everything with, and I'm sorry that I can't tell her. It's just that I know what her reaction would be. Sorry girls I have written so long....I just had to get this out. I really wish I could tell her without being judged.

[dreamingpink77]

I'm reading some of your replies girls, and well I have to say that some of you have said that perhaps our friends who have got their desired gender react this way only because they don't want to hurt us by telling us how lovely it is to have a girl...and well I must say that I never looked at it from that perspective. And perhaps it is also true that they do tell us that it is not important what gender the baby is because they don't want to hurt us any more than we already do suffer. Now that I'm thinking, I don't know what my reaction would have been if I had a girl and she had a boy...what would I have told her? would I have told her...'try again perhaps you'll have a lovely girl now!' or else I would too have told her that 'the important thing is that the baby is healthy!' I really don't know at this point.

[zibibbogirl]

perhaps our friends who have got their desired gender react this way only because they don't want to hurt us by telling us how lovely it is to have a girl...and well I must say that I never looked at it from that perspective.

Now that I'm thinking, I don't know what my reaction would have been if I had a girl and she had a boy...what would I have told her? would I have told her...'try again perhaps you'll have a lovely girl now!' or else I would too have told her that 'the important thing is that the baby is healthy!'

That is an excellent point. I never thought of that either. What would I say to my friend if I got my DD and she didn't? There really isn't any way she can come out of this without looking insensitive. It's a bit like asking a man "do these jeans make my butt look fat?"... If she non stop talked about how great it is to have a DD, we would criticise her for being insensistive and if she doesn't mention it at all, we criticise her for ignoring it and pretending it isn't important anymore... Maybe "some" of our friends and family are just trying to spare our feelings the best way they know how. Or maybe now that your friend has her DD, its not as super great as she thought it was going to be. She couldn't exactly tell you that though, could she? LOL

[dreamingpink77]

zibibbogirl....."do these jeans make my butt look fat?".... this is the best example you could have given! :)

[fish2012]

My mum is the same except she had 3 girls, exactly what she wanted. She told me after she had number 2 she couldn't believe she was lucky enough to get 2 girls, then for number 3 preferred girl but would have been okay with a boy.

This annoy's me because she acts like girls are first prize and they are all princesses and boys just aren't as exciting in her eyes. So I tell her I'm thrilled to have boys and have no desire for a girl. But still she thinks if we have another it will be for only for a girl, she doesn't understand how anyone could be happy with only boys, I get soo angry about it sometimes. I can just imagine her reaction if we have boy number 3.

My sister has one of each and wants a third but her partner doesn't want anymore and my mum keeps saying to her why do you want another anyway you have the perfect family. So frustrating. I just find it upsetting, esp when she favours my sister's daughter over my boys.

my mum is simular i'm an only but she only wanted a girl - what she got - if I get my DD I'm going to be so careful cause maybe the whole thing could be prevented and I could feel content with my 2 ds's if these ideas hadn't been planted in my head from a very early age. i think she just trying to make me feel special i guess she never considered the implications at the time....

i would have to say something - if you are going to be close and if you end up with DS3 i think it's essential, I think it maybe difficlut short term but better long term x

[*ruby*]

Fish - we're not that close, for a few other reasons though. I sometimes think its just that she doesn't know any better. She didn't have sons so she doesn't know how beautiful they can be, I wish she would try to find out through her grandsons though! and I definitely think her preference is why I feel such a strong desire for a daughter, it's all I ever heard growing up :worry:

[Zivic-Bubac]

Yeah, it's so easy to be so open minded and "politically correct" when you have one of each :mad:
Tell her that.

[lindi]

Now that I have my DG, like Atomic points out, she isn't very "girly", I don't love her any *more*, and she didn't solve all my problems- so in a way it does feel like it doesn't matter. That being said, I am ecstatically happy to have her, and she is a dream come true. I would tell her, the next time she makes a comment about it not mattering, tell her you would still really like to have a girl, and ask her how her feelings changed from it mattering to not mattering- she might have something interesting to say, and might be a little more sensitive to you!

[Yuzu]

Maybe as a friend she could say, "You know, it is nice having a DD, but it's different than I thought it would be. The baby's health really IS the most important thing. But I know how you're feeling and believe me, I remember it." At least that way it would sound more sympathetic and less smug.