Feeling very conflicted... should I try for one more or let go of the dream? It's my last chance.

[KidAtHeart]

A little background on me - I have three sweet little boys. We tried HT for a girl but had two cancelled cycles. HT no longer an option. I turned 40 this summer, right after finishing HT and we gave away all of our baby stuff. Felt ready to move on (well, mostly). And then... the summer ended, my little one potty trained and suddenly got SO much easier. I have two in school full time and little one is in preschool 3x a week. On the one hand, I feel like I've finally made it! Nine years of changing diapers and chasing toddlers finally over!!

But on the other... well, now I feel like I could actually handle a fourth. I'm not kidding myself - I really would be taking a HUGE gamble to try for a girl (which is SO ridiculous since we already went down the HT route!). I guess once we opened the door on having a fourth baby, I feel a pull to go through it. My head thinks it's totally irrational and I should just enjoy the lovely children that I do have, and not make so much more work for myself, more money, time, etc. away from our boys, esp. for only a 50/50 chance. Plus I feel like maybe we would be tempting fate. Our children are healthy happy little guys. My friend's baby was just born with Downs. There are no guarantees in life.

My heart though... my heart just aches for a little girl and is willing to risk it. I just wish this hole would go away and I honestly can't see how it will unless there is a little girl in my arms. My heart is telling my head to just shut up and take the chance, and my head is warning me that if it's a boy that my GD would definitely come back and then I have four kids instead of three (three seems just so much more manageable...). And my husband, well, he just wants me to be happy. But, he also doesn't particularly want more children. He was okay if we were guaranteed a girl but now...

So the reason I'm driving myself batty is that it's time to select birth control. I was on the Mirena IUD and really liked that and if we don't have another baby, that's what I want to do. It's good for five years. And it's not like we can't take it out again, but this seems like my very last chance. I have been on the fence for so long.

Why am I so obsessed with this? Why can't I just enjoy my boys and not think of what I'm "missing" all the time?? I guess I can't fight millions of years of evolution. I'm just programmed to want a girl. Grieving sucks. Do you think that I will feel sad or relieved after I have an IUD put in? I just want to not feel sad anymore. I'm exercising, getting things organized... I'm in a good place in my life and I STILL feel this way. It's like it's a constant battle to keep a positive outlook. I'm a very positive person in general and I've had my fair share of grief (My Dad passed away 12 years ago). I'm just so surprised by the depth of my feelings when usually I'm a rational person.

Do you chase your dreams at all cost or learn when to fold them and move on? And if it's the latter, how do you do that, exactly?

[ELP]

Would you be trying ht again or giving swaying a go??

[Cinss]

Its a tough place you are in, only you can decide.

[Zivic-Bubac]

Hmmm, I could have written this....

My DH is strongly against No4, but that's all I can think about. Just one last try for my baby boy ( which is probably going to be a girl knowing my luck).
I'm turning 40 in October, had my failed sway baby 4 weeks ago.

Although all rational reasons are saying clear NO to another baby ( my age, money, space, car issues, organization.....) I think I''ll be crazy enough to chase my dream.

Idk, sometimes it feels right, sometimes not. Decisions, decisions,....

[Rose]

Dear Kid,

I could have written every word of this post six months ago. Three wonderful boys (7, 5, 2)... just turned 40. Three failed HT cycles with no transfer. Husband done at two, much less three. Gave away our baby gear. Back to wedding weight, bought a new wardrobe, started an exciting new career. You can read my posts before June.

We were at a peaceful place. Still hoping/longing for a daughter but happy with our boys and our marriage. Scared of trying naturally, yet knew that we had to try. Lots of attempts, no BFPs, then finally the surprise.

It was wonderful at first. I was so happy, then started to be conflicted with the "what ifs". We knew we would do the 10-week CVS. I was fine the first four weeks, but the last two before we could test were grueling. What had I done? Why had I taken this chance? What if our child isn't healthy? What if we have healthy twin boys? What if this stresses our family and marriage?

When the call came... healthy daughter... I was filled with an overwhelming sense of gratitude that has remained. It has colored every area of my life for the better. I still can't believe it. The anticipation of her birthday, her infancy, her toddler years... how excited the boys are to have a sister. How much fun it will be to have a house full... to foster a one-on-one relationship when the boys are older and leave for college. I did a little shopping at first just to celebrate without wanting to jinx anything. And my friends are planning an over-the-top pink and purple baby shower that is heart-warming. But I'm still a boy mom at heart and it's not the clothes or bows or dance lessons that I'm focused on. What I love the most is the way I feel in the morning and at night when I'm by myself and feel her kicking and I think about our good fortune and am so happy we didn't give up. It's an amazing, equally peaceful feeling that is a "new normal" for happiness.

Of course, there could have been other outcomes that would have been different. I don't know why, after trying so hard for so long, this happened for us. But it couldn't have happened if we hadn't tried. That's all I know. And I believe that is the essence of being alive. To hope, to try, to seek the life you most want, to make the best of every situation. And I do believe, as so many dear friends on this forum wrote in those difficult days before the CVS results, we would have handled any outcome.

I wish you the very best as you seek your own answer. It will come.

[LacePrincess]

Kid, I'm not in your place (yet), but I have 3 boys and we're going for baby #4. And my kids are a whole lot younger than yours!

Maybe it's that I'm younger (33) but, I'm not ready to move on from the baby years yet. As DS3 gets into preschool age, I'm yearning for another baby - not necessarily girl, but baby - so I know I'm not 'done' with the baby years yet. I *think* DH and I are agreed that at absolute MAX, 5 kids is all we can handle. Huge family by today's standards, but my gut says 5 is it. So I don't really have bad GD with even #4 because I know we have one more shot at a girl.....we talked and agreed we'd try HT for #5 if baby #4 is a boy.

I dunno, sometimes I waiver and think, how cool would it be to have four of a kind? Or five of a kind? Sure people would make comments and have their opinions, but they always will. At this point it almost feels like having a girl would sort of mess with my sea of blue! LOL!

Sure I long for the cute girly clothes, but of course that's not the point. What's really eased my GD is sharing my 'feminine' interests with my older two as they've gotten older. DS2 is seriously into dance, for instance, so I DO get the experience of taking a kid to dance class. And he's automatically the star of every class being the only boy! So yeah, that's like super cool. I've dragged them to Disneyworld, and actually been thankful we didn't have a little princess to spend hundreds of dollars on, lol. I'd love a girl to complete our family, of course, but when we're done I don't think I'll have any regrets.

IMO, I think you REALLY need to come to peace with having another baby if you try once more, and let go of the girl dream BEFORE you TTC, because you have no control over that. Good luck with your decision, I'll be following this thread with interest!

[Mrs_P]

I am yet another mother in the same position, i have three beautiful baby boys (7, 4 and 2) with my baby starting to grow and fledge the nest (he's just started pre school twice a week). I was ready to move on and focus on my career and have been given a really great opportunity at work.

BUT..... alas here we are trying to ttc number 4 even though i only ever wanted 3. As my boys grow they give me more joy every day but the more they become little men and not babies the wider the hole in me becomes. I wouldn't trade any of them for all the little girls in the world they are my life and i feel so bad for feeling this way but the hole is there none the less. I can't comprehend the idea that i may have to go through life without ever having a little girl i have been dreaming about this since i was small and to think that i would grow old still feeling that something was missing was so hard.

Now if i grow old surrounded by healthy happy gorgeous sons then i am more than blessed and i feel so happy and lucky to have them every day but i need to try again. I know i risk gd if it all goes wrong (and probably will) but i faced serious gd head on with number 3 and lived to tell the tale. I nearly lost one of my boys and that put everything into perspective for me so although its hard its a battle i can win, my boys are amazing and i couldn't not love another. I know we risk a lot having 4 and what it would mean for them having to share everything but there is also a lot of love in our house and they all benefit so much from each other, another one would find his place (even if we'd have to christen him ds4 as we have run out of names)

So here i am, one amazing husband jumping through hoops for me (even though he thinks i'm nuts and swaying is rubbish, you get what your given), every sway factor going (even clomid i don't need - i know twin boys would serve me right) and my fingers crossed. I know it will be a boy but i'm not ready to not be a mom again and to move on.

Good luck with whatever you choose, the way i looked at it was i would regret not trying again but i would not regret another baby (even if gd strikes - i don't regret a single one of the ones i have now even after a horrid gd ridden 3rd pregnancy).

[NYFamilyOfFiveRoses]

For me, I have 3 girls and we cannot afford HT. Also I think 4 would just be too much for me. I always have to worry about babysitting from getting them to school to appointments etc.

I would not try naturally. I know there are loads of people out there that have 2 of the same gender then get the opposite or 3, 4, 5 etc. of the same gender then get the opposite.

But it is a chance that you take. It can definately work out, but if it does not, would your life be better or worse with another of the same gender?

I know what I have now and I know that I can never deal with a 4th girl.

I know pregnant women with 3 of the same and I am so jealous that she has the chance to get an opposite but at the same time I know there are so many on this board and out in the world that end up with the same.

You have to ask yourself questions?

I feel GD worsens with more and more of the same gender.

I know that if you do not try then you will never know. But it is a huge chance you take if it does not work out.

If you just want a baby and do not care the gender, then I say go for it!

If you are trying for gender, think carefully about it.

I went into having #3 saying I want a 3rd kid, but little did I know deep down in my heart that I wanted a boy so bad as I did with #1 and #2 and #3 although I love her to pieces. She changed my life and changed me as a person.

Comments and the same gender get a lot worse with the more you have. I am not trying to sound negative but it honestly does get harder when you get to 3 or more of the same gender. You have to be an extremely strong person because comments come on left and right.

Hope I made some good points.

Good luck to you.

[mummypink]

I suppose you have to think about what would be worse... having another boy or never having a daughter?

For me I know we have to stop at 3, part of me thinks we are crazy having another now as my first two are both toilet trained, sleeping pretty well etc and the thought of going through sleepless nights, weaning etc isn't massively appealing in all honesty. I know that once the baby is here though I won't care because of course we would do anything for our little ones, and the feeling you have when you finally meet your newborn baby and have all those lovely cuddles and 'firsts' is second to none. If we have another boy this time then I will forever wonder about what my daughter would have been like, how it would have changed the dynamics of the family, but I couldn't cope with 4 children. I have a friend with 3 boys and a girl and as happy as she is she finally got her little girl her life is crazy looking after them all. She struggles to meet all their needs because she can only be in one place at a time, trying to get the older ones to their activities, fitting around the babies naps etc. Personally I just couldn't cope with it all but I know some people love every second so it really is down to your own situation.

Good luck in whatever you decide :) x

[cravingsalt]

But it couldn't have happened if we hadn't tried. That's all I know. And I believe that is the essence of being alive. To hope, to try, to seek the life you most want, to make the best of every situation. And I do believe, as so many dear friends on this forum wrote in those difficult days before the CVS results, we would have handled any outcome.

I wish you the very best as you seek your own answer. It will come.

This gave me goosebumps. Beautiful. Congrats to you, Rose!

[KidAtHeart]

UPDATE

You ladies gave me an awful lot to think about - Rose, you in particular. I loved your post and am so happy it worked out for you. I'm sure you would have handled any outcome (you seem like such a positive person) but I'm glad it's the outcome you wanted.

I went through a rough patch with GD, esp. with the thought of putting the IUD back in, like it was my *last* chance. I got really caught up in it all. I responded to what Rose said about if you don't try, you'll never know. So one night we had an 'unprotected' evening. I may have put my husband at a disadvantage since we didn't exactly discuss it beforehand. But he knew how I was feeling and knew what he was getting into. The next day I felt all full of possibility. Like I had let fate take its course, and maybe that's what I was missing in order to move on - whether or not it worked.

There was one more night also unprotected. But after that, I felt a little horrified, like 'what am I doing?!' And then I decided I was ready to put in the IUD and move on. I was actually just waiting for my period to start so I could book my appt. I took a pregnancy test just in case... and guess what! Yep, it's positive. I'm not really sure how I'm feeling. At first I was super happy. As the day wore on, I've experienced a huge mixed bag of emotions. We have three children and with each I told my husband the minute I found out I was pregnant. Tonight I had a perfect opportunity to do so and didn't. I'm not sure why. It doesn't feel very real and it's possible that it will turn out to be a chemical pregnancy (it's that early).

I got rid of all my baby stuff! I turned 40! I told people we had tried and it didn't work out (not a lie, just not the whole truth). Then, just like my first three pregnancies, the instant we have unprotected sex we wind up pregnant! It's like these little lives are just determined and take their opportunity when they can! I'm grateful of course not to have fertility issues. And at the end of the day it is a good thing. I actually am mostly hoping for a healthy baby. Of course I would love to have a little girl but it's not consuming me as much as the 'it serves me right' feeling I'm having if this baby isn't healthy. It's insane. I would - and will - be okay with having a fourth boy. I think I just have to prepare myself that I will have another boy. And pray to God that this baby is healthy.

I don't think I'll have the opportunity to tell my husband for a few more days as our weekend is jam-packed, and I really want to tell him in an appropriate way. It's not like with the first three. Those were pretty deliberately planned. This one I feel like I snuck in there and while he was completely aware of the risks, I still feel pretty damn guilty.

I really can't believe this is happening. My family and friends will be completely shocked. I think I'm in a major state of shock too. I guess I didn't tell him tonight because I just need some time to process this. I hope he takes it well. As my one friend (mother of four) said, the best way to get off the fence about having another baby is to get pregnant! She got pregnant with an IUD, even! And another gem that I'm clinging to is, you never regret the children you have, only those you don't.

Sorry for the ramble. There is literally no person I can talk to about this. I can't believe we went down the IVF route, it was such an expensive failure, and now after all that, I took my chances... again! I guess I've come around full-circle now. At least the other children are getting older and so much easier (well, mostly! :) When this baby arrives, I won't have a toddler to chase. And who knows, maybe it will end of being a girl. And my boys are so kind around babies. It will be okay... Just praying for a healthy baby now!!

[KidAtHeart]

Sorry, forgot the cute little 'update' sign

[Rose]

Wow, Kid! I can't believe it!!!

First and foremost, sincere congrats on this amazing news. Totally understand and recall all too well the mixed emotions you are feeling and will continue to feel. I also worried about telling my husband... it makes sense that you want to find the right time. He may be a bit shocked at first, but no doubt he will ultimately share in your excitement, and yes, in your fears.

All the best getting through the next few weeks until you have more news from ultrasounds and tests. Please stay in touch. We will all be rooting for you. xoxo

[ELP]

This is wonderful news:) congratulations xxx

[vickyaust]

Wow what a total surprise. Congratulations. Hope your DH takes the news well.

[dreamingpink77]

CONGRATULATIONS Kid! This is awesome news! So happy for you! It will all turn out good in the end :) and perhaps you will finally have your little girl, but if not I am sure you will love your son just as much as your other children. Hope you have a happy healthy pregnancy and that your dh will be so happy with the news :)

[LacePrincess]

Wow! What a happy surprise - congratulations!!! (My turn to be envious, as I'm not even dropping any eggs atm, grrrr. ;) )

I find letting go and having faith that we get what we need, not what we want as the old song goes, really helps me feel content no matter what happens. Once you make peace with that you'll be ok. :)

[Myloves]

Congrats! I hope this one is your girl, and that your are happily surprised. :o

[ThreeMenAndALAdy]

Hmmm, I could have written this....

My DH is strongly against No4, but that's all I can think about. Just one last try for my baby boy ( which is probably going to be a girl knowing my luck).
I'm turning 40 in October, had my failed sway baby 4 weeks ago.

Although all rational reasons are saying clear NO to another baby ( my age, money, space, car issues, organization.....) I think I''ll be crazy enough to chase my dream.

Idk, sometimes it feels right, sometimes not. Decisions, decisions,....

I chased mine. Baby number 5 due in April. Go for it girl!!!!