Wanting one baby but dh says NO

[bec2483]

hi i'm bec i'm a mum to 4 daughters who i love but find myself wanting that little boy to complete me so i bought the baby conversation up the other night with dh and omg he just crushed my dream of trying for a little boy by saying NO way to more baby and is booking in to get the snip does the disappointment in your dh choice to not want any more babies go way i would love to be able to change his mind:worry :broken::worry:

[Cinss]

Sorry to hear that. Hopefully you can talk him out of the snip.

[Butterfly Spirit]

I was in the same boat... basically just seduce him so he can't resist you, and your persistence will pay off in the end!
Don't worry about timing, just sway and GO FOR IT!

You're talking to someone who had to dip her opks in water after her M/C!

[Zivic-Bubac]

Same here. DH said we're done after 2, but I talked him to try one more time. I failed and we have another daughter.
I gently suggested I'm willing to go for No 4, and he said don't even joke about it!

But I'm stubborn and I'll talk him again, every day I'm going to mention it and of course few serious conversations until he says Yes! Fortunately he is not mentioning getting snip.

Maybe just try to talk him out of the snip for the start and then slowly move on?

[Northern_Shutterbug]

I think you should to him more or even write him a letter. Personally I don't think you should go ahead without his consent, it's dishonest and will put strain on your marriage. I could never go against something so important.

[bec2483]

I totally understand where you are coming from but northern _ shutterbug but i no that he will love our child regrad less if we planned it or it happened on its on accord and butterfly spirit and zivic bubac i love your thinking

[Butterfly Spirit]

If you read my threads Vitex Time and Vitex Journey you can go through my journey of conception..but don't do or take what I did LOL you are swaying BLUE. I just wanted you to see how I worked things towards DH.
DH premonitionally dreamed we'd have a daughter before we met, so she was meant to be.. and I did what I had to do or A: It would have never happened or B: The age gap would have been a lot bigger and we like them close.
:) I prayed about it and I believe that God is okay with what I did..because he knows how stubborn my husband is. The funny part is.. DH was like "Well if you aren't going to take birth control I guess I better try the supplements incase you get pregnant".. and so he did.. he in a small way helped.

[ELP]

I would agree with the 'accident' approach:) Just do the diet and take your supps, drop any b/c you might be on and go for it. Where are you in your cycle atm?

[bec2483]

i'm on day 14 cervix high but no ewcm i think i going to do though accident thing and see how i go here to hope i get my baby boy

[atomic sagebrush]

Bec, I'm so sorry to hear that. I have an unusual family because I have two adult children and then got baby fever again and had three little ones 15-20 years later, and for some reason this has made people, even strangers, open up to me about their baby desire. You would not believe the number of women who wanted another child. Practically everyone I talk to says, "Well, I really wanted another baby but my husband said no." And this seems to be true regardless of the gender makeup of their kids. So just know that you're not alone and that there are many, many women out there who feel exactly the same way and do go on to live the rest of their lives, maybe with a little bit of regret but they find other things in life that are fulfilling for them.

In the US, the doctor will not do the vasectomy if the wife doesn't agree to it - I know this would cause a lot of friction but if that's the case for you, you can just choose not to sign off on it and just say you're just not ready to do anything that permanent. Tell him that the odds are that you won't have another baby but you just need more time to work through your conflicting emotions about it. Could you get a Mirena put in for now as a sign of good faith??

[Butterfly Spirit]

I'm so horrible Atomic, I would make the appt and then pretend I had it put in!
muhahaha :)
But I loved your response to her anyway! ;)

[auroara78]

omg butterfly, I had the same thought muahhahah! Devious minds, I know!

I am so terrible (yes, this is awful to admit) that if I really do decide I want a 4th a few years from now, but DH is hesistant, I'm just going to do the diet and supps and seduce him....and we'll have another "opps" (DS1 and 2 were opps, but they were truly accidents!)

I think the "opps" approach also depends on how your husband would take it. My husband is a BIG believer in destiny/fate so if we were to have an opps, he would be totally OK because he would feel like the baby was meant to be here.

The better approach is obviously to talk it out, let him know how much it means to you, maybe ask if he could just postpone the vasetomcy? My husband was against number 2 for a long time (money, etc) and I just kept talking to him about my desires for more children.

[Mum23boys]

I have 3 sons and used bribery to get my 4th - My hubby has always wanted a sports car since we had to sell our first one when our first son was born so i said if he got my pregnant he could go get one on finance !!! After our 12 week scan i think he will be dragging me around show rooms !! An expensive way to do it as will be paying for it for ever but will be worth it if i get my daughter !!

[Mrs_P]

LOL mum, prob TMI but my hubby is promised something in the bedroom if he gives me a little girl - keeping him interested and doesn't cost as much as a car

[deaks66]

LOL mum, prob TMI but my hubby is promised something in the bedroom if he gives me a little girl - keeping him interested and doesn't cost as much as a car

id give my dh a little something in the bedroom every night if i get my little girl... might live to regret that... hope so!

[Lassie1982]

I think you should to him more or even write him a letter. Personally I don't think you should go ahead without his consent, it's dishonest and will put strain on your marriage. I could never go against something so important.

I realise I am probably in the minority here - but I'm on the same side of the fence as Northern_Shutterbug.

Whilst I understand the desire and longing you have, and can appreciate that it must be awfully painful, it doesn't seem to make it right to force or trick DH into something if he is dead against it just to satisfy your own desires.

I appreciate that it would be a very hard situation - one that i will probably find myself in in the future (I'm pregnant with our second, i want a 3rd, DH is dead against a third, and wants the snip) but i cannot imagine doing something against his expressed will.

I think you should talk to him more, maybe a letter, maybe even counselling, but certainly not doing something if he has expressed that he doesn't want it.

As someone said - some DH's are happy with 'oops' babies, and that different again....but if your dh is so against any more that he wants to have a vasectomy then its obvious its something he feels strongly about.

Try and put yourself in the other shoes, how would you feel, if he went ahead and did something that you were adamantly against? Lets say he went ahead and got the vasectomy, without telling you upfront, just came home one day and said "honey i've had the snip" - knowing full well that you are dead against it...how would that make you feel? Because he would probably feel a similar way if you announce you are pregnant when he has made it clear he doesn't want anymore children.

As you say, I am sure that he would love the child regardless, of course he would - but would he ever love you the same again?

Try speaking to him, it might take time for him to come around, but surly its better to get to where you want to get to going down that path, rather then the other path...

[bec2483]

so ladies this is what i'm thinking at the moment and it might sound a little crazy if i do the accident thing its something i would never tell him that i trick him into it sometime i say what he doesnt no won't hurt him if he new the of course he would feel betrayed but telling him wouldn't never be on the cards he never wanted dd4 either i like butterfly_spirit and auroara 78 are thinking and if he was ever to get the snip behind my back and never told me i would be none the wiser he wouldn't be smart enough to do that anyway

[deaks66]

i reckon talking to him or bribing him (in a non malicious way obviously!) is the way forward not an oops. Mine was dead set against a 3rd and a 4th but i have talked him round with an added little guilt trip (you have sons, i don't have daughters...sob) added in and now we are going forwards together.... feels better this way.

[Mrs_P]

I know with my husband if he is dead set against something otherwise a no is not really a no, its more of a maybe and depends on how dead set am i. At the end of the day whilst i would never go behind his back (unless i knew he really would be ok with it) you also have to consider how you'd feel never trying again. If its something thats that important to you its unfair of him to just dismiss it saying no, there should at least be some discussion.

After our dog died (his first proper pet) my hubby said no more, there too expensive, we have all the kids it would be a risk as other dog was soooo good with them and its too hard. But i have always had a pet and it mean't a lot to me. Although he said i no i looked anyway and found our lovely little spaniel girl, his no eventually went to i'll go and have a look and the moment he saw her he feel in love with her and we brought her home that day. Point is i know with him if its really a no or not. If its something that means that much to you work on him first before you do anything you may regret (or he does something) a realistic idea of a baby (esp if a friend has one etc) is different from the thoughts of one, get him broody x

[bec2483]

i think i will talk to him again to see if we can agree or not i'm say i'm feeling a little guilty or ready and i haven't done any think yet but i do no that i need to a least give ttc a little boy or my heart will always ache and i will hold dh somewhat response able for it

[Lassie1982]

i think i will talk to him again to see if we can agree or not i'm say i'm feeling a little guilty or ready and i haven't done any think yet but i do no that i need to a least give ttc a little boy or my heart will always ache and i will hold dh somewhat response able for it

I think that is certainly the way to go. It might take time, but at least you have done it the right way.
I know you said you'd never tell him that you tricked him and lied to him - so he'd never know, but just because he doesn't know, doesn't make your actions ok if you know what i mean. If for example your husband was having an affair, and you didn't know about it, it wouldn't make the affair ok.

Try and find out what his concerns are, why he is so against another, and then work through those concerns together.
Best of luck!

[bec2483]

i do no want you mean so i will wait until the day after 2morrow to have a chat that way he would have been to the doctors to talk about the snips i noit will take time for them to book him in here so i know nothing will get done straight away..

[Lassie1982]

Good stuff Bec :)
Best of luck to you :luck: let us know how you go



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[bec2483]

i sure will let you lovely ladies no what happens

[bec2483]

So dh doctors was today and he chicken out and didn't go :)

[LacePrincess]

I'm glad to read that you've decided not to 'trick' DH into having another baby.....even if he never knew, the secret would ruin your relationship, I really believe that. A lie like that, even if 'just' by omission is so toxic and the guilt would eat you up.

Hope he comes on board with ttc again, men don't get the 'broody' thing because they don't have biological clocks! It's not like THEY have a ticking countdown biologically, so they don't get the urgency women have. It's not fair, lol! For us, DH is smack dab in the middle crazy period of his career, and he's always away - on course, deployment, assignments, training, etc etc. So I'm left with young children/babies/pregnancies alone ALL the time. Siiiiigh. It would be far more convenient timing to have kids in 10 years when DH is further along in his career and more likely to have a long term desk job, but that'll be too late for me, likely. :( So it sucks! I joke I should've married a man 10 years my senior, LMAO.

[bec2483]

Lmao at the 10 years younger part and yes I'm not going to trick him he didn't go to doctor he chicken out so that gives me a bit of le way I think I will give him the option of me getting my tubes tried if he let me try for my little boy which I'm happy to do we are still young so we have a bit of time dh:30 in October Me: 30 February there wishing me luck :)

[LacePrincess]

Best of luck!! Probably a good idea not to nag or push DH, but it's a great sign that he didn't get the snip snip, sounds like there just maaaaaaay be a little nugget of 'maybe' in his subconscious somewhere. You've planted the seed, now let it alone and let it grow! :)

[Lassie1982]

it IS a good sign that he didnt go to the appointment.
You are both still young, give it a bit of time and gentle persuasion and i hopefully he will come round in the end.
:luck:

[bec2483]

Thanks ladies