Who was team green til birth and didn't get their desired gender??

[coocoobananas]

So I was all over being team green but now I have an appt booked to find out! I'm excited because it's one I can bring my boys to and that will be really fun for them to experience.
However, I'm still not sure it is the right decision!!
I was set on waiting because I know it wasn't important at birth ( found out with others)
My husband however thinks I'm fooling myself that I'll be really hormonal and may not have the reaction I think I will if in fact it is a boy! And I am thinking about it 24/7!!
So question is: those who waited and did not get their desired gender... Was it worth it? Do you regret waiting? Did it take the gd away at the moment??
I feel like I have gone thru this enough in my head that I am prepared to hear boy this time... But I don't want to regret finding out either and make this pregnancy more difficult!! It's going by slowly!!
Thanks everyone! The sooner the better, I have a couple more days to cancel the appt!!!

[mydream]

Although in the end I chose to fine out. I was so close to being team green all the way. In the end I decided to find out because if it was a boy, I needed to prepare myself ... I thought about how I could possibly feel going through the emotions at the hospital. I didn't want to feel down after birth. I was also wracking my brain for 20 weeks about is it a boy? Is it a girl? My sway? All of it was making me more nuts than just finding out. Wishing you luck with your decision. You very well may get your desired gender. I did!!!

[coocoobananas]

Thanks mydream, the limbo is killing me too! My hubby thinks its the right decision and said the tech could tell him and not me and I could decide later... So there's an option there too:)

[HopingWishingPraying]

Hi there

I have done both - I didn't find out for DS2 and I did find out for DS3. For me, finding out during the pregnancy was much, MUCH harder and I did regret finding out. I am sure part of the reason the GD was harder for me with DS3 was because I was even more desperate for a daughter by then and also had done a full on IG sway, but I do think finding out in pregnancy made it harder for me. With DS2 I was disappointed when he was born... my heart sunk when I saw his boy bits and I was disappointed... but I never cried at all and was in love with him straight away. It took about a week to stop feeling disappointed, but I did start bonding with him straight away. I felt that it took the shine off his first week, which was partly why I wanted to find out in the pregnancy next time around.

With DS3 I found out at 20 weeks and instantly went into the biggest period of grief I have experienced thus far in my life. I cried on and off for about 12 weeks, the first 4 days I was very very upset to the point that I could not leave the house at all (DH had to take time off work to do the school run and look after my boys for me) and after that I was intermittently tearful and very unhappy until about 32 weeks of pregnancy. From 32 weeks onwards I was less unhappy, but still not excited to be pregnant or enjoying the pregnancy. I did feel as though it completely ruined the pregnancy for me, and I really wished that I had not found out so early. I didnt feel bonded to the baby and didnt feel as though I had any need for a third DS. 20 weeks of limbo waiting for him to be born seemed like a LONG time and it was so hard to bond with him when the one and only thing I knew about him was the one thing I didnt want to know (that he was a boy).

When he was born I was absolutely fine. I was in love with him straight away and didnt have that moment of a sinking heart when I saw his boy bits - I completely accepted it by then. I had a better first week with him than I did with my DS2, but to be honest, for me, it didnt make up for the months of tears, grief and guilt I had endured during the very long pregnancy.

Next time around I am quite determined to either stay team green or only find out at 32 weeks or something. I just need the baby to be coming SOON if I find out that he is a boy, I cant do those endless months of grief and waiting again like I did last time. For me it is so much easier when they are in your arms and you can see their beautiful face.

This is all just my personal experience and obviously everyone is different but I would just say think about it carefully, because that loss of "hope" can be quite hard to take when mixed with pregnancy hormones etc.

I wish you the best of luck with whatever you choose.

[Mrs_P]

i knew with all of mine and i hated the idea that i could feel disappointed with my gorgeous baby once he was here, emotions run high after birth and i wanted to be nothing but excited when i met my little one for the first time. Yes disappointment can happen (look at poor ZB and the guilt she felt towards her baby for emtions that were a natural reaction and it can affect bonding) especially if you have your hopes built up. My SIL wanted a girl (i am the only with kids in our family and they live a long way away so i suppose she wanted something different), they went team green and her dh told mine she really cried when she delivered him cause she wanted a girl and was so sure she'd get one. She bonded with him right away and he was only their first so they have plenty of chance for an opposite etc but even someone in that instance who hasn't said and still has plenty of attempts at the dg can be upset (and i don't think she was really that bothered either).

With ds2 i went team green but felt i wasn't bonding with my baby as i had done with ds1 as i realised it was because we knew ds1 by then, he had a personality and a name and seemed all the more real. So at my 36 week scan ds1 and i found out together - he got to home and tell daddy he'd met his brother today and it was such a special moment for our family, i was fine from then on - no gd at all that time as i wanted three and really wanted my son to have a brother so was excited and could picture my little family.

Good luck with whatever you choose x

[coocoobananas]

Thanks ladies! I've played all these scenarios out in my head! I really thought waiting was the best thing for me... But I'm hoping I'm not fooling myself that I can take the news during pregnancy!! I think I'll still get the scan as I was really wanting that for my ds1 but maybe hubby will just find out and I can decide later... Phew, that feels better:)

[Mrs_P]

if your not sure take your son and your hubby and enjoy the time to bond with your baby and asked them to write the gender down - that way you can decide in your own time and maybe knowing that you could know would be enough to scratch the itch x

[dramabird]

Here's what I wrote to another poster asking a similar question back in January:

Just my own 2 cents': We went Team Green with DS2 and I regret that. Even in the last few moments of pushing during labor, I was thinking, "Be a girl, be a girl ..."

And, to make it worse, right after the baby was born (and before they announced a gender), my delivery nurse said to someone else in the room, "She's doing great." And I thought, "Yes! 'She'!" But then my DH leaned in and said, "We have a son and it's going to be great" (he was trying to be reassuring, as he knew what I was hoping for). So, yeah, the nurse was talking about *me* ... *I* was "she."

Anyhow, I bawled and bawled and bawled until my eyes were swollen. At least no one looked at me funny since it's perfectly normal for a mom to cry after delivery. And certainly the tears were partially due to big feelings of love ... but I also had big, big feelings of disappointment. And I feel like that was a cloud that hung over the first several weeks of my DS2's life ... and that's time I don't get back. So next time around, which will be our last, I do want to find out via ultrasound (we didn't find out with DS1, either, although a health condition meant I got a ton of ultrasounds in the last few weeks of pregnancy and twice I had nurses slip up and mention "boy" so I was 95% sure in advance). I want to have that time to adjust to the idea, if he is our third son, so that by the time he is born I can just be in the frame of mind to love him and soak up the newness of our last baby.

I think a person is just going to feel a certain level of disappointment if you don't get your desired gender. It's just a matter of when you feel better equipped to handle that feeling ... midway through pregnancy or after birth (which, you know, has lots of crazy hormones and a sore body and sleepless nights ... a hard time to also deal with sadness).

Sending lots of pink thoughts for you, without a speck of sadness in sight!!!

As planned, this time I did find out. We did hear "girl," so it was absolutely worth it. I am now out of the "what is it???" stage and able to be excited about this new arrival in our family. But if we had heard "boy," I still believe it would have been the right choice for us. I already learned that being Team Green and not getting your desired gender can be reaaaaally tough, so I was ready to try something different.

At the very least, have the tech put the gender shot in an envelope. Then you can make the decision at any time you want.

[coocoobananas]

Thanks dramabird that was honestly very enlIghtening! Of course today ive been going back and forth in my mind and I thought I would read what you wrote again. I would rather deal now because I don't want the guilt of being a little sad to be there and ruin those new moments! I didn't care last time at birth what he was... But I also knew he was a he so no surprises!! Thanks a lot for your post:)

[fivebabies]

When is your u/s cocoo? :)

[coocoobananas]

It's done. It's a boy:)

[fivebabies]

Congrats on a healthy baby boy!!!

[Myloves]

Congrats on your beautiful Boy!

[Tiggerian]

Congrats on your boy! How are you doing after finding out?

I'm still in two minds about whether to find out with mine and I hope you don't mind me hijacking your post a little?! I got these two notions in my head why I should go Team Green:

1) because of the surprise. The "ITS A BOY/GIRL!!" on top of all the emotions - I think that could be amazing.

2) If its NOT what I hope for (ie girl) then I hope I wouldn't care so much because I'd just be happy my baby is OK

But... i'm afraid by not knowing I will set my self up too much, maybe convince myself its a girl. I did that with DS2 and I went through a simillar grief period where I cried and was moody on/off. But what if its worst next time? Is it better getting it over with and enjoying the baby once it s here?

With Ds2 i was convinced we would have a girl and this time, although we're going to do the sway, I'm fairly sure we will get another boy. And, although sometimes negative feelings and tears creep up on me, I'm OK with that. I'm a bit sick of robots and dinosaurs, but hey ho.. might get a tomboy anyway if we had a girl!

Please do let us know how your doing after your U/S and again, congrats on the baby boy!

[coocoobananas]

Well I idk what is better, I thought waiting was better but dh thought I was fooling myself! He caught me at a weak moment and I caved. I regret it for sure as I cried solid the whole rest of that day and couldn't eat. I couldn't dream anymore and that really hurt... But, that's all it was, dreaming and dragging out the inevitable because it wasn't true!
I talked to some moms who struggled after the baby was born and I think this way in the end is better, deal just with me and not me and the worry of looking at the baby with sad thoughts when he is here.
I am going to just try on the gender disappointment part of this site or not come at all as seeing someone get a girl sadly brings everything to the surface again when I have started feeling better about things.
Plus, I'm considering doing things that I never would unless I was here like having a fourth or going HT! So if I'm not here, maybe my mind wouldn't wander so much and I could move on! Although the support is amazing!
Anyway, rambling but I don't know what the right answer is. All I know is you have to expect dissapointment either way. If its a he, you will feel something and you will need to feel that whether before birth or after.

[Tiggerian]

I've decided to expect it to be a boy either way and not allow myself to dream too much! I did with my second and i did have some darker moments - but I think if I just expect it to be a boy (which it probably will be anyway) i wont stress myself too much over it and just focus on being preggers

I'm sure you'll be just fine after you've processed it. When my second was born there was no regret about him being another boy - Only regret was that he had his dads nose lol!

[NeedGrace]

We've done both. Didn't find out for DS1 or DS3 but did for DS2. All I ever wanted was a girl & DH's family had no girls so the pressure was on even when I had DS1. I felt a bit shocked with DS1 but he was my first & after the trauma I'd been through to bring him into the world it was short lived. I fell in love & didn't think twice about GD. I found out at the 20 week scan with DS2 & same initial dip in excitement but I quickly moved on to being excited. His birth was amazing! So I was full o happy hormones when he was born & instantly in love again. We didn't find out for DS3 & in hindsight I wish I had. I completely talked myself into thinking he was a girl along with everyone around me. Of course it was love at first sight when he was born but I did spend a fair bit of time in the hospital bathroom bawling my eyes out, too ashamed to admit how I was feeling to anyone. The worst was that everyone else thought girl too so some had girly gifts (as if you would tell me, I know! But they did). One relative actually cried!!!! And there was not much of a fuss. That fuelled my GD I think. If we ever go for #4 I will definitely find out.

[NeedGrace]

Congratulations on your beautiful baby boy too Cocoo. For what it's worth I still think having time to process everything before bub is here & getting to know him now is much better. My boys are best of friends & I wouldn't have it any other way now!

[Mum23boys]

I dont think I could veer be dissapointed on the day - i think the moment you hold that baby no matter what the sex the bonding and love is immediate and for me being team green for GD is the best option. you will only get your hopes up about a certain gender if you let yourself. I just get through this pregnancy already relating to litttle one as a boy and if out pops a boy ill be prepared if its a girl well the surprise will be even bigger.
Im sorry you didnt get your daughter hunny but 3 boys is so much fun - all mine choose to share our big bedroom and they always have someone to play with as if one brother is busy my youngest plays with his other brother.

[fish2012]

I was with both my boys, I was a little disapointed when ds was a boy and extra disapointed when ds2 was too!

I will find out this time i found it hard to bond with ds2 as i was disppointed I need to know this time (our first sway) i hope i will have 20 weeks to come to terms with it being a boy when he won't notice.

i know people have tried both ways and I guess it's hard either but i think this is what i'll do this time