I am so angry at everything......

[Son4meplz]

I always feared the day when i would be posting my dissapointment in this forum n that's wht came to me.

I am so angry with everything...I lost faith in god, prayers n everything. I believe that i would have gotten my desired boy by going the PGD route but i believed in prayers, power, blessings n felt that god will reward me bcoz I am a good human being. But it didn't happen and i am devastated n feel cheated....I know in some countries people abort girl child to get boys n ....they do really get rewarded at the end.....but people who don't do that grieve for their life-time. IS this justified??? I don't get that. Plz help me understand this.

I always wanted to have both boy n girl so that I don't miss on the joy of experiencing both worlds. I do agree that any kid regardless of their gender is really a blessing n a big bundle of joy.They bring immense satisfaction n happiness alongwith. However, my desire to have both gender is based on some intellectual fact that, when you have both girl n boy then your family life is balanced with things that girls do as well as things that boys do. For example, I will be taking my daughter to dance classes n son to soccer games. Our dinner time discussion will be enriched with politics, world awareness, science as well as trends in fashion/make up. Our family will experience how to be solid strong as well as emotional some times(assuming that girl n boy are intrisically wired differently).

I can't write too much as I am at work right now but really feeling like I should be just the worst person on this earth and then god will love me n give me everythingn that I want. Plz share some wisdom that I am missing in my life. :mad:

[ThreeMenAndALAdy]

I'm sorry that you didn't get the gender you desired, but swaying doesn't guarantee anything!! This has nothing to do with God or prayer...just the luck of the draw. If you wanted the "guarantee" you should've gone ht. I wish you all the best.

[Son4meplz]

Thanks for the reply. I never said that swaying guarentees anything...I understand that completely. Also, i have nothing against this forum. I think you r not getting my point....I am not saying that i am unhappy with swaying or this forum but I feel cheated by my faith n belief in god and doing good to others. I had some ethical issues with going the PGD route knowing that I don't have any issues with getting pregnant on my own. But now I think i was wrong, if you need something just go to any extent n get it. That's the right way. In that regard, people who kill unborn child to get the desired gender are also justified in their own way.

[ELP]

Sorry that your in a sad place atm sonmeplz:( Is there a chance for pgd in the future?? I read a post on here somewhere that said 'God sends us what we need not what we want' hopefully when you meet your gorgeous new DD this become completely true for you xxx

[ThreeMenAndALAdy]

I think I am missing your point. If you feel cheated, maybe you could rethink the ethical issues you have with PGD. At the end of the day I hope you do what's right for you and your famiy. I'm a little confused with your way of thinking, but hope you do get the ds you desire.

[Son4meplz]

Sorry that your in a sad place atm sonmeplz:( Is there a chance for pgd in the future?? I read a post on here somewhere that said 'God sends us what we need not what we want' hopefully when you meet your gorgeous new DD this become completely true for you xxx

Thanks for your understanding. Yes, now I think I was wrong in thinking that if I am a good person n do good then god will give me what i want genuinely. That's not the way it works. So, definitely if i need a desired gender, PGD is the way to go. Not sure whether I will go for it or not bcoz i have a very different set of standards for how i want to bring up my kids n i don't think I can afford more. And, I am already in love with my DD, we both will be the best parents for her and she is going to get the best sister too. Just that i will have an unfullfilled desire/dream of parenting a son. Thanks again for your reply.

[Son4meplz]

I think I am missing your point. If you feel cheated, maybe you could rethink the ethical issues you have with PGD. At the end of the day I hope you do what's right for you and your famiy. I'm a little confused with your way of thinking, but hope you do get the ds you desire.

Thanks for 'editing' your response. Sorry, that i can't express myself in the way that doesn't make you confused but not everyone think alike so, let's not worry about it. Thanks for your reply though.

[ThreeMenAndALAdy]

I edited my reply because I didn't see that you posted in the gender disappointment forum. I thought you were speaking about the boards in general, so I apologize.

[NeedGrace]

Hi Son4meplz. I'm a Christian & have just been through this myself. I don't mean to offend anyone who is not a Christian. This is my understanding. I have 3 beautiful boys but have this ache for a DD as well. I prayed so hard before I had DS3 & thought "I've been good. I love God & try to serve & follow him". I know He will give me the desire of my heart. I totally convinced myself. Well, obviously he was a he & I was totally shocked when he was born. I was sad & angry with God for a while & even now I don't fully understand but I wouldn't change it. I know it's true that you get the child you need not the one you want. I wouldn't be without my smily beautiful DS3!! I've also come to know that He is more concerned about my eternal future than my immediate happiness. I have become so much more patient, compassionate and kind as a result of my experience. I'm much more careful with my words. I would have been the one making the stupid thoughtless comments before. Now I'm much more respectful & less judgemental. Of course I'm human & I still grieve from time to time (& put my foot in it on occasion too) because I still want a DD as well as my 3 beautiful boys but I know faith doesn't guarantee that, nor should I hinge my faith on that. God uses these things to build character & I guess to test our faith. It would be too easy if everyone who had faith got what they wanted & everyone who didn't, didn't. Just doesn't work that way. I'm sorry I'm waffling. Don't know if this has helped but I'm still processing it really. One day I will understand but for now I just hold tight to my faith in the knowledge that he does care for me & this will ultimately work for my good. Congratulations on your DD and all the best with your lovely family

[sbmommy]

I just found out 2 weeks ago that I am having another girl, and I can totally relate to your anger and your questioning your faith. I have been trying to come to terms with it and accept it myself, and I am just not there yet. My heart breaks every day and I mourn the son that I will never have. I am already 38 years old, and I don't think a third baby is financially or even physically possible. I know that I will never get pregnant again unless I go the IVF/ PGD route, I can never go through what I went through during the anatomy scan again - all of my hopes and dreams crushed, all of my years of prayers unanswered. My husband won't get the son he has prayed for his whole life, and he'll never have a chance to be the father to his son that he always wished his own father was.

[BellaVita]

I'm not a religious-y type person at all, but I hope my opinion is welcomed nonetheless. Sometimes the answers to our prayers is "no". We all have a desire for a child of a certain gender, and yes it hurts...but when you look at the big picture (that being life in general), if not having our DG is the worst thing we have in our lives then we should count our blessings. People who are bad can have good things happen to them just as people who are good can have bad things happen to them. In the grand scheme of it all, we're not deserving of anything. I know that sucks to hear, but it's the truth. A few months ago I was working out at the YMCA, and there was a baby shower being hosted. I couldn't help but notice it was for a girl, and the mother had three little boys with her, which I assumed belonged to her. I also couldn't help but notice how crappy she was with them. Yanking them by the arms, repeatedly telling them to shut up, etc. It sucks, but it is what it is. Tons of people easily get what we think we deserve and it just doesn't work that way unfortunately. How many children die from cancer? Is it because the parents not praying hard enough? Absolutely not! I'm not comparing GD to that at all, but the point is there. It hurts to accept that things don't always go in our favor, but that's life. Everyone who has ever prayed or wished for something has been let down at one time or another, and that is a fact.

[Son4meplz]

I'm not a religious-y type person at all, but I hope my opinion is welcomed nonetheless. Sometimes the answers to our prayers is "no". We all have a desire for a child of a certain gender, and yes it hurts...but when you look at the big picture (that being life in general), if not having our DG is the worst thing we have in our lives then we should count our blessings. People who are bad can have good things happen to them just as people who are good can have bad things happen to them. In the grand scheme of it all, we're not deserving of anything. I know that sucks to hear, but it's the truth. A few months ago I was working out at the YMCA, and there was a baby shower being hosted. I couldn't help but notice it was for a girl, and the mother had three little boys with her, which I assumed belonged to her. I also couldn't help but notice how crappy she was with them. Yanking them by the arms, repeatedly telling them to shut up, etc. It sucks, but it is what it is. Tons of people easily get what we think we deserve and it just doesn't work that way unfortunately. How many children die from cancer? Is it because the parents not praying hard enough? Absolutely not! I'm not comparing GD to that at all, but the point is there. It hurts to accept that things don't always go in our favor, but that's life. Everyone who has ever prayed or wished for something has been let down at one time or another, and that is a fact.

Yes, your opinion is very welcome :)

I agree with you that 'sometimes answers to your prayers is NO' ....but question is why my prayers were not answered. I wrote this post just after finding out and have been doing better since then. But it has made me a different person now...I believe in more philosophical thing ...but still so many things don't make sense. thanks for your reply.

[Son4meplz]

I just found out 2 weeks ago that I am having another girl, and I can totally relate to your anger and your questioning your faith. I have been trying to come to terms with it and accept it myself, and I am just not there yet. My heart breaks every day and I mourn the son that I will never have. I am already 38 years old, and I don't think a third baby is financially or even physically possible. I know that I will never get pregnant again unless I go the IVF/ PGD route, I can never go through what I went through during the anatomy scan again - all of my hopes and dreams crushed, all of my years of prayers unanswered. My husband won't get the son he has prayed for his whole life, and he'll never have a chance to be the father to his son that he always wished his own father was.

looks like we are in the same boat...I just know that things will get better with time....humans r wired that way. I had severe disappointment and to some extent it's still there ..it comes n goes but i am trying to control my thoughts n mind and move on. Still now n then i feel so much pain about my lost dream n sometimes resentment towards the long wait n the failed sway. did you also sway? I had lot of discussion about my feelings with my husband and my mom...that helped a lot. do you have anyone to share n discuss your feelings? I wish you all the best.

[Son4meplz]

NeedGrace...thank you for the reply. i totally identify and understand what you are saying. sometimes, we all know that but it's hard to accept the rejectionn failure. I am doing better n understand that swaying is just luck of draw. I had put lot of faith n effort in everything...but ultimately life gives you what you r destined for. Hard luck but I will survive.

[BellaVita]

Yes, your opinion is very welcome :)

I agree with you that 'sometimes answers to your prayers is NO' ....but question is why my prayers were not answered. I wrote this post just after finding out and have been doing better since then. But it has made me a different person now...I believe in more philosophical thing ...but still so many things don't make sense. thanks for your reply.

I'm so glad to hear you are doing better! :)

[sbmommy]

Son4meplz, yes we did try everything we could for a blue sway - the Shettles method, ovulation timing, diet, positions, etc. and it all failed. I don't think I could go through all that again just to have another failed sway. Please don't get me wrong, I don't see this baby as a failure or as unwanted, it's nobody's "fault" that she is a girl.

My pain is from the loss of hope and of my faith. I know people will think that I am selfish or immature, or that I turned my back on God because "I didn't get what I wanted," but that isn't true. I am grieving the loss of my faith that there is anyone listening to our prayers, or at least anyone who has the power to answer prayers. If there is a God, maybe he is not all powerful, but he is just a Creator that watches us. He is happy when we are happy and sad when we are sad, but that's it. I think that prayer is only powerful if you believe in it and if it brings you comfort and strength when you pray. I just don't feel that comfort, that peace anymore. I absolutely respect all others who do have faith and who find strength and comfort through prayer.

I am very grateful for this baby, and I will love this baby as much as I love my first little girl, but I believe that this baby is a girl because a girl sperm reached my egg first... not because God didn't answer my prayers.

[NeedGrace]

I'm so sorry you are going through these feelings sbmommy. I felt the same when I had my DS3 and I am going through it all again now with both my brother & his wife & my BIL & SIL having my DG. So sad it's not me! But I have to remind myself if I had my DG who would I be without? It's not straight forward & as I say I don't have all the answers but one thing I do know is that I am very blessed even if it's not in the way I would choose. Time was the best healer for me & getting to know my sweet DS3's personality as he gets older. Doesn't mean I won't always ache for a girl or that I will never be jealous of others who have what I want but if I stay angry & bitter, I risk missing the joy & blessings right in front of me. I hope time helps you too & I wish you all the best with your pregnancy & your beautiful baby girl! It is hard & it does feel unfair at times (((HUGS)))

[Tiggerian]

I'm not religious anymore.. I lost my faith when I lost my little girl, so atleast I understand that bit.

But here's a thought: is it possible that the gender of our children isn't something God decides? Maybe he has created so that nature takes care of everything by it self?

Isn't it possible that when we were made God made us so he didn't have to rule who had what child and who had which gender, but made us so our bodies were capable of creating both sexes equally.

I don't believe God sits and ticks off a list of who deserve and who doesn't. If he did the world would be a much fairer place.

I don't believe I deserved to loose my little girl. I don't believe I had done something bad and I don't think God would punish anyone by taking their child from them, even if its their DG child.

I believe its cleverly designed biology and no matter how hard you pray God decided the moment he created humans that this was something for biology and not for him.

I know this may be a bit controversial, but I just don't believe God grants wishes like that. I think he is more like a guide, someone who keeps the grant scheme of things spinning - but as for the individual, he created humans and to me, thats as far as he went. The rest is up to us!

[NeedGrace]

Sorry I missed the 2nd page :oops: I'm so glad you're doing better son4meplz!! Sbmommy I'm so sorry! Because I missed a page I missed a while chunk of text. Of course we love the babies we get but I agree it's perfectly normal to be sad about what we're missing & I grieved for not understanding why too. Noone here would or should ever judge either. There's lots of us still working through these feelings. It's been a bit of a roller coaster for me & I'm still on it. I think Bellavita said it much better than me!

[NeedGrace]

Tiggerian I am so sorry for your loss! It really is so hard to understand especially the loss of a child.

[lisvna]

I can totally relate to the TS. I did HT but put both genders back. We wanted a girl (didnt mind to get another boy too) unfortunate only the boy stick. So even HT wasn't a sure thing for us.......why does it looks like if all those other ht girls get what they want and sometimes even at the first try? (we did twice HT). I'm a good person too and I help many people to achieve their dreams (especially in the Dutch part of this forum) but also in real life. I try to live as a good person. My grandfather always said to me of you are a good person good things will happen to you.......why doesn't it feel this way?

[Rose]

Ladies,

I still visit this forum because it was comforting to me during many difficult days and I continue to have great empathy for all who experience GD. Many of you know my story, and I struggled immensely with the pain of not being able to "earn" the grace or blessing of a daughter. Then finally becoming comfortable with the decision to go hi-tech, I struggled with my husband's refusal / reluctance. Then once I 'convinced' him, the pain of three failed cycles was very real. As was my belief that I would no longer have another child of either gender.

I was a person of great faith growing up. And I still have faith in the greater good of humanity. But I do not believe any higher being is in charge of gender selection, or who gets sick, or who gets in an accident, or who wins the lottery. We are in charge of our choices. We decide whether to try or give up. We find the courage to face our pain and try to make it better. We find ways deal with our disappointment... to have more children than we had originally anticipated. We make it work.

I do not know what I would have done if our fourth child had turned out to be a boy. I imagine I would have accepted that I did all that I could do. And I would have found a way to move on. I probably would have found a young girl or teenager who needed mentoring... or taken an active aunt role in a friend's daughter's life. It wouldn't have been the same, but I would have tried to find ways to fill the hole.

It is a real hole. But it is not hopeless.

I will never be able to express my gratitude sufficiently for the blessings of my three wonderful sons and the anticipation of our daughter. It has been surreal. I try to live with even greater appreciation and perspective re: what really matters in this world. But I did not earn this. Nor have those who haven't received their DG done anything wrong.

I wish everyone the very best and hope that all will find what they most desire at some point along their journey.

xo Rose