Support needed

[Tiffani3]

Hi girls thought I'd make a thread for when we feel down and need some support.

That's me for the past few days I feel so sad/depressed I have tried to get on with things but its eating me alive.
I feel like I need to plan a sway or give myself some slight hope that I won't feel like this for the rest of my life, Like she's missing. Or do I give up the dream?

Don't get me wrong I will love and adore this little boy when he comes and gd will be the furthest thing from my mind when he's born. But I know it will only last a few weeks before it comes sneaking back in how/when/what to do to tip the balance to get my dd.
but what if it fails again I don't think I can physically do this to myself again. Also I don't think I can spend the rest of my life wondering what if I did try again and it worked why can't it be simple. Aaaaagggrrrhhhh!

I saw this beautiful little girl the other day just how I imagined my dd would be and I nearly cried in middle of the shop she was so sweet helping her mum,
Then her dad turn up and scooped her up in his arms it was so magical but stupidly so simple. I felt like I died inside that the reality that I may never have that, never have my dd and some people get it with out even trying.
Then I realised my two older boys where packing away the shopping chatting away to ds3 in the push chair all good as gold and it struck me how lucky I am to have such lovely helpful boys, I wouldn't change them for the world but I just want her too. I suppose I'm just greedy and selfish to want it all but my feelings won't stop.

If anyone has any wise words to make the longing go away please share!!!!!

[mummypink]

No wise words I am afraid but sending you a big hug.

Maybe just keep in your mind for now that if you really are longing for a daughter still after this baby is born then you can try again with something else. I think all you can do then is focus on getting excited for meeting your new little man, and enjoy time with your other boys. It's easy for me to give out advice when I still have a glimmer of hope that maybe I'm having a girl this time but I know I will feel the same as you, and this is def our last baby.

I try and keep all the things I am thankful for in my head, remember that some people aren't lucky enough to have children at all so however hard done to I may feel it doesn't come close to how they must feel. xxx

[ThreeMenAndALAdy]

I'm sorry that one of the sweetest ladies in our due date thread is feeling like this. I have no advice, but I can say this for myself...gd fueled my desire to have more babies, but I'm thankful in ways that I do have it because I've been blessed with 4 of the most amazing little people. If it makes you feel better to have a plan, make one. You can always change or cancel it. Have this baby and see where you are after he's been around for a while. You always have us for support Tiffani and I hope you start feeling better soon. :hug2:

[coocoobananas]

Ah Tiff, I'm the same way. I've been depressed lately and can't seem to snap out of it! I had a couple days of happiness and I thought I was pulling through but back it came. I'm thinking on those days when I am so positive that I will write my thoughts down so on all the other days I can read them for comfort.
I do pretend that maybe I will adopt or have a 4th but honestly I want to be done. I never want to be here again. I can't emotionally do it and especially not physically... Pregnancy is not for me!
I'm thinking to just try to accept this as there is nothing wrong with 3 boys do I am trying to see if I can wrap my brain around having 3 boys and being done. I have to try to remind myself what got me here in the first place. That I gave it a try and if I failed that I would just get over it. In hindsight it's not as easily done as said!
The feelings that I am fighting the most and are smothered with guilt are: why did I even bother? Of course I wouldn't get what I wanted. I really thought putting myself through this again would be worth it in the end cause I would have my girl, but I don't. Now I have a 3rd that I wasn't honestly really wanting and now that has completely blown the dream of ever having a girl. I thought about not getting pregnant at all so that I could leave that dream wide open... Like if I never tried I wouldn't have the chance to fail... Maybe this will be my mindset to not try again!
I am ready to have this little guy so I can tell him over and over how sorry I am I feel this way, I just don't want to feel it anymore! Even now thinking of him here brings butterflies to my tummy because I know I'm going to fall in love with him. I'm going to try to stay strong and not keep trying and be happy with what I have... Unless of course I win the lottery and can afford HT and a surrogate;p
I'll be back to vent more and I totally get it Tiff, although I think you are stronger than me at 4.

[NCBeachyGrl]

Tiff - I am right there with you. I am sad, depressed, upset, and feel horrible for having all of those feelings. the only way I can cope right now is plan my sway for #4. I never wanted 3, much less 4, but I feel like it is what I am supposed to do. And who knows, maybe once he is here I will be OK and will feel content, but for now the only thing I can do is plan my next sway. Some might think I am crazy for it, but I made a post about having kids close together and everyone has been amazing.

What are you thinking about doing for your next sway?

I was out shopping the other day (groveling in my misery) at the toy store. And I saw this super thin, blonde, super model looking lady with a shopping cart. I just knew she would have the most beautiful girl in her buggy or in tow, but all of a sudden 3 boys came around with her. I was shocked! But her boys were so cute and hip. they all had long blonde hair and were wearing the most stylish clothes. It made me smile inside and made me feel normal. I think that is part of my misery...everyone I know has at least one girl and I feel so outcast. Seeing her made me realize that being an all boy mom is special and hopefully this is my plan and having 4 is what I am now meant to do.

Since I have been planning my next sway, it has made me hopeful, and happy to feel somewhat back to normal. Any distraction now is good and why not plan a sway!

[Tiffani3]

Thank you girls you are all so wonderful and I'm truly blessed to have you all in my life. To go through this alone again I think would be so much worse. xxxxx

Nc I was thinking of swaying when this one is 4-6 months old I know that sounds mad but I have it in my mind that even if I can't bf for that long my body will be losing weight, no sleep etc
Maybe starting vitex a month or so after birth so I'm on it for a while too! Also maybe talking to my gp and try to get them to give me some clomid they probably won't but worth asking!?!

Then I was looking into ht but I'm not sold on the idea it seems so invasive and expensive and may not even work. plus I feel like I would be taking money away from my family, but if I knew it would work defiantly on 1 cycle I would do it and save like mad!

Thank you girls xx

[NCBeachyGrl]

I looked into HT too and I just don't think it is for me. It is so expensive and there is no guarantee it would work and you have to put your body through hell. I think it is great for those that are doing it, but I just can't justify spending that much on something that might/ might not work.

I want to start vitex a month PP and then start the LE diet too...not strict but start skipping bfast and dieting. And then I am thinking Nov we would start TTC. DH works crazy hours and is very tired, could gain a little weight, and will not be as focused on working out in the winter so I think that could be good.

[coocoobananas]

You ladies are braver than I! Maybe I will rethink things and be more positive and sway again but as of now i am too scared to try again. I tried and I failed. I am too afraid to do that again... Although doing it while bf and all your other ideas get me thinking hmmmm maybe. But then that would be it and I'm afraid of that too:/

[NCBeachyGrl]

I think things would be easier if I had gone into this with the mindset that I am 100% done. Then I could just accept it and try to move on the best I could...like Mummypink. So, if I do have a #4, I know that is it and the door will be closed for the next 10 years at least! LOL!!!

[Tiffani3]

That sounds good nc.
I'm not sure 100% yet with the diet it stressed me out so much counting cals etc before so maybe dieting but a much more relaxed but ruffly keeping to the principles of the le or maybe just going veg for a while! God I'm so indecisive atm!
I think over stress things and over worry so going to try and do it all calmly!! If that's possible!!
xx

[NCBeachyGrl]

I know what you mean!! When I think about swaying and all the things I did before, I get a very stressed, need to sigh and breath out feeling! Low stress is key! Maybe I should just go on vitex and use spermicide and diet a little. UGHH....it is so hard to figure out what to do. Maybe I should just pay for a plan from AS to take all the stress out of it :)

[Tiffani3]

Yeah I am going to buy a plan from her too just not sure when to get it!?

yeah I was done at 4 because it was a girl oops! But I think in some way I think my sway was very slack and I thought I'd just be the lucky one!!!!! So I had myself to blame for not trying long enough that being said I could have only been on the diet for 2 months before i was well under weight so maybe this was suppose to happen so I have more time to prepare my body?

[Mrs_P]

Hello ladies can i join your thread please, i know i still don't know what i'm having with this baby but i really strongly don't feel that it would be a girl, i can't ever see the daughter i so desire coming into my life and i feel so sad about that and have no-one to talk to.

I know i will love this baby no matter what but i need to deal with these feelings as this is our last baby and i don't want to be sad my entire pregnancy. I'm so sick of crying and having no-one to talk to who understands how i feel, so although i'm not in the same position at the moment i could do with some friends - please x

[Tiffani3]

Of course mrsp x

I'm not sure what's worse the waiting to find out and giving yourself hope or the fact the dream is over and dealing with the gd
I do feel like I tricked my self into believing I had a chance this time but not to my luck
Your sway looks great so fx for you.
Are you planning on finding out? x

[NCBeachyGrl]

Mrs P - I am so sorry you are sad! You did have a great sway and you have a 50/50 chance like everyone else so it is possible! Try to stay as positive as you can and we are always here for you. I am praying that your dream comes true and then you can give me hope for a DD after 3 boys!!

[NCBeachyGrl]

Yeah I am going to buy a plan from her too just not sure when to get it!?

yeah I was done at 4 because it was a girl oops! But I think in some way I think my sway was very slack and I thought I'd just be the lucky one!!!!! So I had myself to blame for not trying long enough that being said I could have only been on the diet for 2 months before i was well under weight so maybe this was suppose to happen so I have more time to prepare my body?

I am thinking about getting my plan when I am a little further along...otherwise, she might think I am crazy!!! Which I am...LOL! At least we will have the motivation to lose the baby weight.

[Tiffani3]

Lol well she must think I'm really crazy then! I already pm her the other day asking when she thought it was best to buy it and she said it would be better nearer the time you want to start ttc but if it makes you feel better to plan it now its up to you!
So was thinking of getting it near the end of my pg so I know what I need to do straight away and ease into it rather than panic a month before ttc? Omg I think I'm insane!! xx

[coocoobananas]

So I just went on baby centre the other day and actually made a comment on a gender dissapointment forum and got totally attacked! I was defending someone who was herself being told she shouldnt use words like "mourning" as she hadn't lost a child and should go on those boards if she wanted to learn what the word meant. Needless to say I won't do that again! Sheesh! Came back after a few days and they were all over me! I wish I was better defending myself but I don't like confrontation, was just feeling emotional the day I responded!
So glad this forum is here! Apparently it's wrong to feel this way since we couldn't possibly have it as bad as someone else! Errghhh so worked up:/
Why do people make others feel worse when they clearly name the thread 'gender dissapointmentment' and tell them they already have guilt!! Some people are so mean!!

[Tiffani3]

I've seen some posts on there and felt so sorry for the lady's. I guess that's why I suffered in silence with ds3 because I saw things like that and felt I was wrong for feeling the way I did.

I aways think what goes around comes around and people like that should be ashamed of them selfs and one day they will be judged by someone else and be totally devastated by it and maybe rethink how they treated that person who was obviously in a very fragile state and only asked for support not more guilt and shame.

I know we all are very lucky to have these beautiful children but it doesn't take the pain away I really really really wish it would.
xx

[Mrs_P]

Thank you so much ladies, i know nothing is determined yet but i honestly feel like a daughter is not for me, I am mean't to be a boy mom and be honest part of me thinks if i ever got my daughter i'd be that happy i'd be worried something horrible would happen to one of my kids cause you just aren't mean't to be that happy. I know it sounds daft but i remember sitting there 2 years ago really looking forward to christmas with my boys and how perfect everything was and how lucky i was and then bam - we went shopping on our way to pick up the christmas present and dyl had his choke and we nearly lost him, my happy little world fell apart around my ears - thank god he was ok but it had such a huge impact on my family and he was rough for a long time afterwards (we are still dealing with the effects it had on him).

Anyway i don't want to give myself the 50/50 hope as its just a harder place to fall from, i've there before. I want to mourn the daughter i'm not going to have and be excited for the little boy i get to meet. Above all i really want to enjoy my last baby - i just now have to figure out how to do that and its nice to have somewhere i can feel sorry for myself and mourn the loss of a dream.

coco i'm sorry you've had such a rough experience with the ladies over on ig, i must admit its somewhere i avoid these days as the answers make me cringe, those places are mean't to provide support for women to like us who are having a hard time of it and want to work through their feelings as above all the love their children (you wouldn't post if you didn't as you if you didn't care you wouldn't even notice you were doing anything wrong - if you know what i mean). This is the second time i've been there and it makes it so much easier to have someone to talk to - last time round dh didn't understand at all (we heard boy at the scan and i couldn't stop crying i just wanted to go home and him and the tech were trying to get a good picture of the baby - he was so proud to be a dad again he didn't care and although i wished i was the same i was sad and i needed the support which just never came - so i cried on my own in private for a couple of months before i felt ready to enjoy my little son; who is now one of the three best things that ever happened to me).

My mom is useless to although she tries to understand - with her first she really wanted a girl (and got me) with her second she really wanted a boy (and my brother) so she just has no clue, just goes on about how she's sad she'll never get a granddaughter and how special that mother daughter thing is she wants to experience it with a granddaughter!!! WTF!

[Mrs_P]

Of course mrsp x

I'm not sure what's worse the waiting to find out and giving yourself hope or the fact the dream is over and dealing with the gd
I do feel like I tricked my self into believing I had a chance this time but not to my luck
Your sway looks great so fx for you.
Are you planning on finding out? x

Yep i will def find out, i've known with all three of my boys - couldn't bear the thought of feeling even a little disappointed at birth, the guilt of gd during pregnancy is hard enough but at least then its direct to a theoretical boy as opposed to the beautiful new one you've just made. Even so i don't want to spend the next 10 weeks getting my hopes up.

I've spent most of this journey with the majority of the lovely ladies in your thread and its you all that i feel closest to (i just missed the party by a couple of cycles) but i figured since some of my closest friends on here are going through the same emotions i don't have to deal with it all alone and could crash your thread

[coocoobananas]

Ms-P, my moms the same way:/
I'm not really in the same due date either but I'm happy to go first and then let all you ladies know how wonderful he is and try to ease some of your gd until its your turn to meet your little guys:)
I really hope it's your turn though!

[Mrs_P]

Ms-P, my moms the same way:/
I'm not really in the same due date either but I'm happy to go first and then let all you ladies know how wonderful he is and try to ease some of your gd until its your turn to meet your little guys:)
I really hope it's your turn though!

I'm sure your little guy will be extra special, despite horrendous gd i couldn't help being besotted with my little ds3 from the moment he was born; i know i'll love this one to. Apart from the waiting, the worst part of it all of me is telling others. I'm 7 weeks now and really really don't want to tell anyone, my dh is over the moon and my sons would be so excited but i just don't think i'm strong enough to tell anyone, i know no-one will be happy for me.

My mom will hate the idea of another baby, my dad only told me the other day three is plenty, dh's mom and dad will comment that they can't be expected to look after a baby to (they provide child care for ds3 whilst i go to work - now i would not ask or expect them to have the baby nor want them to as they are getting to old to care for another). My boss will hit the roof and i will loose any chance i have at my promotion (i've been doing the next level up job for a couple of months now - to prove i can before i apply for it officially) and i know only to well the comments that will come from everyone else - saddest thing is no-one will be happy for us or for the new little person coming into our lives.

More i go through this the more ready and determined i am to fight for my new little baby but i just wish i didn't have to - why can't people be pleased for us, our children are well cared for and very much loved why does it matter to anyone else how many we have. Suppose i will have to tell people when i start to show - but maybe they will never notice?

[auroara78]

Ah Mrs. P, I know how you feel. So many ppl didnt' want us trying for a 3rd in my family, or at least not as soon as as we did, and the only thing we heard was "it better be a girl for all this trouble" but what got me upset is that none of my family even live in my same town (they live about an hour away) and I don't rely on them for any help, why couldn't they just suck it up and pretend to be happy for us? We love our children so much and don't regret a single one. And everytime I get asked about a 4th I say "no" to everyone even though it's in my heart that I really want a 4th, simply because I do not want to hear the negative comments when we won't even be TTC'ing until 2-3 years (maybe) if that! I just wish family could be more supportive and less negative.

Beachy, I loved your story about the stylish woman with the 3 stylish boys. I don't know why, but I still find myself comparing what parents look /act like to what gender child they are. Even though I got my DG, gender desire/disappointment became such a part of my life certain behaviors (trying to glance over at a woman and figure out what gender I think her kids are, etc) have stuck.

[NCBeachyGrl]

MrsP - everyone will have the same reaction with us if we have another one. I can only imagine the comments we will get from ppl. Just ignore it b/c it is your life and your family. Ppl can say things, but then it goes away after time and you are the one blessed with a big beautiful family!!

[Mrs_P]

Just needed someone else's opinions please.....

I know its tantamount to treason but i am really loosing the faith in swaying, i can't see a girl at all in our future (def not in this pregnancy). Is everyone else keeping the faith? For those of you lovely ladies that truly gave it all you could (and please don't doubt that as i swayed with most of you and i know you did) and still heard opposites, would you try again or just accept that it doesn't work for you and if so where do you go from there? I so desperately want a daughter, can't imagine my life without her in it but when this fails where do i go, how do i ever get my dream?

I hope you don't mind me talking to you all, so many of you must be in the same place. My due date group is full of optimism and excitement, something i just can't seem to find and since i began this journey with so many of you, i kinda feel a strong bond to you all to xx

[mummypink]

I know where you are coming from Mrs P, I'm feeling the same way. I am actually seriously thinking about us having one more after this one, something I didn't think I would ever do. However I don't know whether to just leave it to fate or to try and sway again. I can see some things in my sway that I would do differently - like being on the LE diet for longer, not using sylk and probably taking antihistamines for longer. Then again I think if I had listened to my dh and just not stressed about it and got pregnant earlier maybe I would have my dd by now? Of course it is impossible to know, and if I hadn't swayed and had still had another son I would have been kicking myself for not swaying so who knows!!

There is no reason why we shouldn't have as good a chance as any for a daughter. All of my side of the family have always had a boy first then a girl, and on my hubbies side there is a mixture of boys and girls. Even his brother had a boy then a girl, so I don't know why we would be any different other than it just being one of those things.
A lot of the way I eat normally probably actually sways girl, I often skip breakfast, don't eat huge amounts of meat and when I do it is usually white meat and before I had the boys I was terrible for eating virtually nothing grabbing a coffee and a chocolate bar for lunch and having some toast or something when I got home for dinner! I made an effort to eat properly when we first decided to ttc and because our lifestyle had completely changed since we moved abroad I wasn't in such a stressful job anymore or working anywhere near as much.

In all honesty I am hoping that when ds3 arrives I will be happy and content with him and my gd will somehow disappear. But part of me is also worried that if I don't try again I will always regret it, particularly as I am lucky that my dh has always wanted 4 children.

I suppose what we all need is a crystal ball to tell us what our next child would be, I know if I went on to have a 4th child and it was a boy I would love him to pieces. I can't ever imagine regretting having a child, but I also know being honest that if I knew for a fact before I got pregnant that I would never have a daughter then I don't think I would go on to have a 4th child. The more children we have the more difficult certain things become, I want to be able to travel with my children take them to exciting places have nice holidays but I know that the more children we have the less likely we are to be able to afford that. I suppose the question it comes down to is what do I want more?

I so hope you find out you are having a little girl this time Mrs P, I completely understand you preparing yourself to hear boy though. xxx

[Mrs_P]

i really hope if you do go on to have a fourth you get a girl and i really admire your positivity (pregnancy seems to have robbed me of mine at the moment). You really did have great sway though so don't doubt yourself, it failed, not you (not that you lovely son is a failure either, i have no doubt he will be as precious to you as my ds3 is to me). I have seen ladies on the diet for ages with failed sways and don't kick yourself for the sylk as that sways pink!