Am I an awful person??

[spinningmadly]

Ok so my siggy explains my story! I have 2 adorable boys and then last time after praying for a girl (it's mainly boys on both me and ds's side) I got pregnant with a girl, I felt like we had won the lottery and then we lost her at 20 weeks. Reasons still unknown. Well this time I'm at high risk and I don't know what gender this baby is yet. But my cousin just found out she's having a girl and announced it tonight and I should be happy for her but I'm just so irritated instead!! I don't honestly mesh well with her anyway so maybe that's part of it. But she made such a huge deal out of revealing the gender that it made it 10x worse. I feel like there's no way id be lucky enough to get a girl twice in a row. And this is the most horrible part , in the shower I was crying and thought I don't even want this baby if it's a boy, I just want my girl back. See awful person :(

[Cinss]

No you are not an awful person! You are human and we are emotional creatures, especially when there are pregnant horemones involved. You have gone through the number 1 hardest sadest thing anyone could ever go through and that is not fair. Im so sorry for your loss. Im sure your cousin is not trying to rub it in your face, she would just be feeling special as we all do when we have all the attention on us and our unborn baby. I can understand how you would feel like the universe is rubbing salt in your wound though, and again not fair!

[spinningmadly]

Thanks cinss. I know she didn't think about me .. At all.. Honestly she's pretty self involved and (that's from my whole family not me) so I know it wasn't intentional. But it did feel exactly like what else was the universe going to throw at me this year?? What did I possibly do in another life to deserve this ugh

[Claire33]

:bighug: to you. Life is just so unfair isn't it? Sorry for your loss. In difficult times I just try and concentrate on my own little family and ignore everyone else's (good fortune). Even if this is difficult to do sometimes.

[gallons of milk]

:bighug: to you. Life is just so unfair isn't it? Sorry for your loss. In difficult times I just try and concentrate on my own little family and ignore everyone else's (good fortune). Even if this is difficult to do sometimes.

I completely agree with this - in our house we say 'sod the lot of them' and do lovely family things together. Have been known to unplug the phone. Not always easy, and you have had a great loss so you need to be especially kind to yourself and not beat yourself up about your feelings. I can't believe the insensitivity of her - I hope someone in your family points out to her how thoughtless she was.

[The Anchor]

Oh spinning! I'm so sorry you're feeling this way, everything just seems so overwhelming to me when I'm pregnant. (They keep saying hormones but I still want to smack someone). How utterly thoughtless of your cousin...you are not an awful person! I haven't even met you and I think you're wonderful :) You're feeling resentful that you lost your little girl, and who wouldn't? Perfectly natural! Whether it's a little girl or boy in there, you will be a wonderful mother and when you hold bub in your arms for the first time your heart will melt. HUGS

[spinningmadly]

I hope so.
I find out gender tomorrow
It's weird last time , I felt like I would have been semi ok with boy but this time it feels like I'm going to lose all those experiences I thought I was going to actually have since I had heard girl before. I don't know why it's so much harder. part of it also is that pregnancy has gotten so stressful and scary that the idea of another is just too much.

[meeks32]

Oh I completely empathise with how you must be feeling right now, although having never lost a bub late like that I will never be able to understand entirely. You are NOT a horrible person for feeling like this, I've felt annoyed and angry at other mums who easily got girls (especially if they had a boy or two first like me) and she really did rub your face in it, even if she didn't mean to its VERY insensitive. Some women don't understand how horrible and emotionally damaging loosing a baby can be, especially at 20 weeks. I doubt she has any idea what's involved there and how that would affect you forever.

If she does, then SHE is the horrible person!

Now about feeling like you don't want this one if its a boy, this is nothing about what you do and don't want, and everything about what/who you lost. I think you feel subconsciously if this is a girl, it will go a little way to replace what was taken from you, and if its a boy that you'll never get what was taken back. This is normal and grief works in ways we and others can't understand. Accept that anything you feel is ok to feel, and be prepared to work through things as they come.

No matter if this is a boy or girl, perhaps seeking some counselling may help you process your emotions which really stem from the bub you lost. This does not make you less of a person or mum and does NOT mean you failed or that you aren't strong. It means you are a good and proactive mum trying to deal with a whole lot of unfair things!

It's ok to cry if its a boy, it's ok to be angry and grumpy for a while, if you talk about I with others that you trust, and you aren't getting past it, then do seek help from a professional because this sort of emotional turmoil can trigger post natal depression later on (also not your fault).

Hormones are magnifying anything you would have felt anyway, that doesn't help you deal, but it explains why it's hard.

You are going to be a great mum no matter what, because you are working through these things!

I think we all felt some of these emotions at various times, even if we know we shouldn't or we don't want to. Anyone that sways would!

Xx can't wait to hear your news. Remember seeing baby is always special no matter what. It might help you to word up the ultrasound technician on your past loss (even if you don't go into swaying talk) just so they can be more prepared for your reactions and so they empathise and explain things better.

[spinningmadly]

Thanks. I'm lucky my ultrasound tech has done both my boys and my girl and she reverified she had passed way a third time for me before I induced just to double check. She had a private place. So I'm sure she will understand,
The hard part is that ds1 really wants a girl and he will be with me, if I hear boy I want to seem excited so he's not so disappointed.

I did go to counseling for a bit and honestly there was only so much to sit and say and it's so hard to find child care that it wasn't worth it. I think if it was helping I would have kept going.
There's only 3 people that specialize in this area in my area, the one who I went to bc I also saw her with ds1 for ppd. One I know outside of professional dealings and I would not be comfortable seeing her. And the third I also knew a little bit but still would have been fine seeing and her therapy is less sitting and talking, more outside , less conventional, which would have been great.. But she had a dd the day my dd was due. So it was just too hard to see her.

[4devochki]

Go easy on yourself. Losing a child at 20 weeks is one of the most horrible things you could undergo, and you're asking too much to be over it. So of course you're grieving, and scared. You're not a horrible person at all. Are your relatives expressing support for your ongoing grief and loss? I hope so. It's so natural for you to feel renewed grief when hearing about the family girl baby...plus people are just not that sensitive sometimes.

Anyway, I'm wishing you health, and peace of mind throughout your pregnancy.

[LacePrincess]

I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss. My heart aches just at the thought of a loss so late, never mind actually going through it. I'm sure the pain must be unimaginable.

Please, give yourself a break. It's ok to grieve, it doesn't make you a terrible person to feel resentment at your cousin's good luck. Our dream gender is just that, our dreams....and coming close and losing it must be so incredibly hard to deal with.

I echo that I hope you can continue to get therapy/counselling to deal with your loss and have some closure. Time and distance will help eventually.

I hope your family is understanding. You are NOT a terrible person, you are an injured and grieving one and that's perfectly okay. Remember that you can think anything you want, you can't control your thoughts, but you can control your actions. As long as you refrain from saying anything resentful or nasty to your cousin, you're doing fine. Is this celebratory stuff on FB? If so, it's probably better for you to just back off FB or block your cousin/family's pages for awhile. Try to remind yourself that your cousin doesn't mean ill-will towards you nor does she intend to rub your face in it, I'm sure, it's just natural for her to celebrate her own good news. Which hurts like hell for you I know. :(

I'm reminded of a Sex and the City episode, the episode where Charlotte finally gets pregnant, but tragically miscarries right on the eve of Miranda's baby's first birthday party. That episode always makes me cry.

Hugs to you, and I hope you'll feel better soon and excited about your own new baby! Hormones are some crazy sh!t too, don't discount the effect they can have on your emotions.

[spinningmadly]

Honestly that's the hard part. No one in person understands why its been especially hard with the whole gender thing (girl after 2 boys) so luckily I have gender dreaming! Not even my best friend. She tries but she just doesn't get it. She has a dd and Ds.
I have my gender scan today and I haven't even told her.

Also it happened in may. After a couple months people tend to expect you to be over it. So I just don't mention it.

[Tiggerian]

Sweetheart, you must talk about it if you feel the need. Don't block it in or lock it out - if you must, then write it on here!! But don't try not to talk about it just because of other peoples perceptions and notions. The only way you can change their attitudes is by actively encouraging them to talk about it - especially if you feel the need to talk about it.

[The Anchor]

Honestly that's the hard part. No one in person understands why its been especially hard with the whole gender thing (girl after 2 boys) so luckily I have gender dreaming! Not even my best friend. She tries but she just doesn't get it. She has a dd and Ds.
I have my gender scan today and I haven't even told her.

Also it happened in may. After a couple months people tend to expect you to be over it. So I just don't mention it.

I honestly think you have no idea until it happens to you. My g/f had a m/c a couple of years ago at 8 weeks, and looking back I was a bit of a jerk. When I m/c in October a couple of friends were in the midst of planning a Vegas vacation, and they just would NOT let up...they totally did NOT get it. In fact, at the time, I think the only person who understood me...was YOU spinning!

[spinningmadly]

Aww anchor .. I'm really glad I gave you some support.
That is the one positive thing, I feel like I can now understand and help other people going through it!!

[meeks32]

Honestly that's the hard part. No one in person understands why its been especially hard with the whole gender thing (girl after 2 boys) so luckily I have gender dreaming! Not even my best friend. She tries but she just doesn't get it. She has a dd and Ds.
I have my gender scan today and I haven't even told her.

Also it happened in may. After a couple months people tend to expect you to be over it. So I just don't mention it.

Tiggern has a good point here, don't keep quiet because you think people expect you to be over it, what if they want talk but dont know how to bring it up? perhaps they just don't want to bring it up in case they upset you? Or maybe they think you are over it and don't bring it up for that reason. or because they are trying to be sensitive to your new pregnancy. If you feel it, speak it. People can only help if you let them in.

Of course that's much easier said than done, and we are always here if you need. It helps we all get the gender part I'm sure. I just hope we can all support you in any way you need.

Hugs

[Tiggerian]

In my experience that is certainly the case. Most people don't know HOW to approach the subject of my daughter and most people always apologise a trillion times before getting to the point. In the beginning I couldn't talk about it without crying and of course that made some people uncomfortable. But as the years have gone by (7 years) I always try to make people feel at ease - she is my child, just like my sons are and I don't mind speaking about her or her death. It's part of me, my life, my personality and has shaped my future a lot.

The only way to break the taboo is by making sure you do talk about it, that it becomes normal to speak about it. Yes you had a daughter, yes you lost her - but that doesn't mean you shouldn't talk about her and miss her and grieve for her together with those nearest and dearest to you.

[Rainbow baby]

No your not, I lost my son at 19 weeks and I don't want "another baby" boy or girl I want HIM back. There is nothing wrong with that your not aweful. I think it is totally normal and to have feelings towards others pregnancy and their exceitment = normal, when your been trough such a tuff time and you know very well it really is not that simple for "us" to enjoy good news any news any more regarding pregnancys. I have joined a ttc rainbow baby forums on any regular site might help it does for me. People going trough the same emotions and dealing with the same issues it really does help talking it trough with them! Your about the same gestation you are when you lost your angel by your siggy, all this all the emotions are going to come floding back in + hormones be easy on yourself. Your still healing remember. Take one day at a time and make sure you let your grief out as well. You are not an aweful person.