Am I an awful person??

[spinningmadly]

Ok so my siggy explains my story! I have 2 adorable boys and then last time after praying for a girl (it's mainly boys on both me and ds's side) I got pregnant with a girl, I felt like we had won the lottery and then we lost her at 20 weeks. Reasons still unknown. Well this time I'm at high risk and I don't know what gender this baby is yet. But my cousin just found out she's having a girl and announced it tonight and I should be happy for her but I'm just so irritated instead!! I don't honestly mesh well with her anyway so maybe that's part of it. But she made such a huge deal out of revealing the gender that it made it 10x worse. I feel like there's no way id be lucky enough to get a girl twice in a row. And this is the most horrible part , in the shower I was crying and thought I don't even want this baby if it's a boy, I just want my girl back. See awful person :(

[spinningmadly]

I didn't mean to post this in two forums, sorry!! My phone was being screwy!!

[Wanting a daughter]

No Honey, not awful person. Just still mouring the loss of your last pregnancy. Plus add to that the mix of pregnancy hormones and your desire for a girl, it is just making it hard for you to feel the wonder of this new life. Don't worry, it will pass. It's always super hard when others get what we want, especially when we have just lost it. What you are going through is quite normal.

I hope you are pleasantly surprised at your gender scan but even if you do have another boy on board, you will eventually bond with him too. Sometimes it doesn't happen until after he is born but it will happen at some point. (((hugs)))

[spinningmadly]

Thanks. I am hoping it passes. It's hard bc dh wouldn't understand it , not to this extent, and my close friends and my best friend all have one of each gender so I don't feel like they can relate at all.

[unsure!]

only natural to feel like that, try and not let it get to you. I hope you get your girl.

[3boys]

Not an awful person one bit.
I truly hope you get a girl Hun

[zibibbogirl]

No you are not an awful person, you are a human person, who has experienced a terrible loss and is reacting in a very normal, human way. Grieving for your baby girl is completely natural. I know you just want her back and the heartache must be dreadful. I really hope that this little baby is your much desired little girl and if it is not, I wish peace and healing for your heart.

[spinningmadly]

Thanks everyone. I really didn't want to be obsessed with gender this time after what happened last time but once I hit the 12 week mark it started again :/. I think partially bc i realized I really don't want 4 kids.. And no offense to anyone that does or has more , one of my best friends has 5 beautiful children, but it's just not for me..

[busylady4]

You're not awful, I felt the same way when my two close friends found out a week a part they were having girls. Felt happy and frustrated at the same time.

[Myloves]

You're not awful! :hugs:
I thought I hated my sister a few years back because she was having a girl and I was having ds2. I can't imagine how much more it would've hurt if I lost a DD at the same time! I adore my niece, she's probably my fav kid out my nieces/nephews. You're a strong lady - I really hope you get your girl! Sending you my pink dust lovely xx

[rachel]

i understand totally what you feel you went through a great loss i know i love my boy and when i get snardy comments like maybe next time u will get a girl i pretend i dont mind when it really hurts my dh does not understand this at all......

[Tiggerian]

You are NOT an awful person..!

I lost my DD 7 years ago and it was awful... By mistake they put me on the post-natal ward after misreading my notes and I was put into a room to a mum who had had the most beautiful baby girl. Seeing her sat there cooing over her, her husband beaming proudly and their visitors marvelling and exclaiming loudly "Has a more beautiful baby girl ever been born!?" I sat there.. in my own little cubicle, and just wanted to disappear.. It became even worst when the very kindly meaning new-grandmother asked where my baby was and I had to explain that my daughter had died.. I was moved, thankfully, not long after that when the nurses realised the mistake, but God.. it was torture! To this day it pains me!

6 months later my brother had a daughter! And then 10 days after my daughters first anniversary my sister had a daughter! At this point I genuinely believed the universe was out to get me!..

Most people "assumed" that after a few months I'd be "over it". I could always have more kids, couldn't I? And maybe it really was for the best as she had a chromosomal defect. But for me, I will never get over it. I didn't care that she had a defect, she was perfect to me! I loved her for everything she wasn't - she wasn't perfectly healthy, but that didn;t mean she wasn't perfect! People just didn't understand...

My sister was deeply offended when I couldn't bear to hold her daughter... When I couldn't pronounce proudly that yes she was indeed the most beautiful baby girl ever born, because to me - that will always be my Lily! She didn't understand... In the midst of my family's joy, my sorrow seem minuscule - but to me, it was maximised by seeing the joy, the love and the pride. My daughter should have been the first granddaughter, instead she went into oblivion - never mentioned, never known. We do not speak of it...

It still pricks when I hear friends or family exclaim "IT'S A GIRL!". I want it SO bad, but part of me feels I can never had it. I lost my chance... the only daughter I was ever to have was gone before I even got to have her and that is heartbreaking. I don't dare to hope the next one will be a girl - everyone tells me it won't! So I fear that hoping will mean I will crash and burn if I hear "boy". But in the end, we don't know what's coming next!

Maybe, in 2 years time both of us will sit with a beautiful baby girl on our knees, laughing at the silliness of our despair. And although the pain and grief of loosing our first born daughters will never go away, each child you have and bear will mend your heart just a little bit more..!

The birth of my sons gave me back my heart, my life and my happiness. I never thought I'd feel the way I did when I was handed DS1. Like all the clouds and storms disappeared and the sun finally came through for me. It was painful, watching him do all that Lily was suppose to have done before him, but never got the chance to do, but my God, it was also affirmation that all isn't lost.

Life will return back to a sense of normality. You will cry, for many years, but in the end the pain becomes less acute - although always incorporated in your life. It becomes part of you, because in the end, your daughter may be gone - but she will always be a part of you and she's only ever lost if you allow her to be. I know that isn't a comfort right now... there are many stages you will need to go through, but you will make it. You will survive it. And one day, you will sit in that delivery suit, with you daughter in your arms, and think "I made it..!"

[Mrs_P]

What sad sad story, tears are ********* down my face and my heart aches for you as i read this. A pain no mother should ever have to bear. I always thought it was harder for those moms who have had the dream but had it taken from them but this just puts things into a whole new perspective. I truely hope that you both get your little girls, i know this will never replace what you have lost (you will grieve this for the rest of your life) but it will hopefully heal that hole in your heart a little. I feel really ashamed for my selfish longing when there are mom like you both out there who are truely deserving of a second chance or their dd xxxxx

[rachel]

how sad your stories are you both have amazing courage...... very sorry for your losses

[Praying4Pink]

Very sad for both of you lovely ladies. I can't say I understand but please know that you CAN be blessed with DD's. My SIL lost her baby girl at 6 months. She had a NT defect and it didn't close properly. She had to deliver and then have a service for her. She lost her first DD after 3 sons. Well by the grace of God she did become pregnant again with another DD. She is a healthy girl with TONS of attitude, lol. All that to say that I do believe that you ladies WILL have your daughters just because it is simply an injustice if not. Lots of Love and Hugs to you both!!!

[fish2012]

Ladies I'm crying too! You are both amazing and strong women!

No you are not a horrible person I hope both of you are blessed with your dream babies xx