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View Full Version : What is the best way to 'Untell' this



Lassie1982
November 23rd, 2012, 06:13 AM
So in my excitement of pregnancy I told most of my colleagues that I'm having my gender scan on Dec 1st.
Though I've not told anyone about my desire for a girl, not even hinted, I'm constantly getting lots of 'oh hopefully it's a girl' and 'i cant wait till you tell me girl so i can buy you pink' comments. My usual response is 'i don't mind what it is as long as its healthy' but that still doesn't stop them. (Maybe its because I'm a very girly girl?)
I've even had one comment that really upset me ("what a disappointment if its a boy")

Anyway, I'm pretty certain it's a boy, and I'm worried that i will temporarily be a bit more sensitive, and the last thing I'm going to want to deal with is more flippant "oh dear" comments, at least not till I've dealt with it completely myself. And the last thing I would want is for any of those people to sense any sadness that I may have.

So I want to somehow un tell people about the scan, but how?

Should I say we cancelled it? But what reason would wash given my previous excitement?
Should I say they double booked me and phoned to reschedule?
Or not say anything till Monday when I get to work and then say they couldn't see any gender coz of baby's position (if its a boy)?

I feel so guilty and so horrible and nasty for wanting to hide the gender if it's a boy :( but I just feel I need to process it myself before having the strength to tell people and dealing with the comments. I also hate lying. So at the moment I'm feeling very very guilty.

Northern_Shutterbug
November 23rd, 2012, 06:19 AM
I'd say that you decided that you have spoken to hubby and he really wants this one to be a surprise - that way, the blame is on him (warn him!) and you can say that you really wanted to know but also think a surprise would be nice.

Cinss
November 23rd, 2012, 06:34 AM
Oh Lassie im sorry you feel like you have to untell people about the gender scan. You have totally discounted the fact that you dont even know the gender yet, what if this turns out to be your girl? I have been right next to you on this journey so i know why you think it is most likely a boy, but none of the pre gender guessing stuff is 100%

If you really feel like you have to untell your colleagues about the scan, i would probably say it was double booked and rescheduled, then you have up until your anatomy scan to deal with it if it is a boy, or you will have to make up some other story why you cant stop smiling if its a girl.

You could try to soften the comments you may get by now claiming that you have a gut feeling or had a dream that your having a boy, and let your peers know that you are excited by that thought. Start saying brothers would be great, boys are so easy and cute etc. Its a defensive move but im sure most people wouldnt disagree with you if you looked like you meant it.

Mum23boys
November 23rd, 2012, 06:36 AM
Id say they have called to reschedule or that they couldnt tell but with the they couldnt tell one they can probably tell from you face that you know so that might not be the best option !!

dloui128
November 23rd, 2012, 08:49 AM
I think I would just tell people I decided not to find out until birth what the baby is

cherubrock
November 23rd, 2012, 09:05 AM
I would say that they just couldn't tell because the baby wasn't in the right position, it's not uncommon for that to happen and that way you can still show people scan pics which would be nice, and you are only 'half' lying!
You never know, it could be a girl in there!!

jark22
November 23rd, 2012, 09:34 AM
I would say that they just couldn't tell because the baby wasn't in the right position, it's not uncommon for that to happen and that way you can still show people scan pics which would be nice, and you are only 'half' lying!
You never know, it could be a girl in there!!

This is what I would do. My early scan is Dec 1. I will be 16 weeks, 3 days. The baby could easily not show goods and be too wiggly. If that's the case you just reschedule or wait for anatomy scan.

The Anchor
November 23rd, 2012, 11:23 AM
I'd say that you decided that you have spoken to hubby and he really wants this one to be a surprise - that way, the blame is on him (warn him!) and you can say that you really wanted to know but also think a surprise would be nice.

I like this one...that way no one's bugging you about the new scan date.

Lassie1982
November 23rd, 2012, 08:56 PM
Thanks so much for all your replies girls :bighug:
Still not certain about what to do.
I know I'm being silly, and I know that it could still be a girl, maybe it's my defence mechanism kicking in and telling me its definitely a boy.

I'm thinking I might play it by ear and see how I feel after the scan.
If its a boy and im not ready to tell them I can go with the "they couldn't tell me the gender". Rather then getting tangled up in fibs before hand.
If I go that way, if they sense I'm not my usual happy self they will assume its because I didn't find out the gender, I can still share pics, and if by some miracle it is a girl then I can share that as well as I won't have made up a fib beforehand.

Officially less then a week to go!
6 days and 20hrs :)



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mummypink
November 24th, 2012, 08:43 AM
Sounds like a good plan, just say they couldn't tell the gender if it is a boy. Gives you more time to get your head around it, my fingers are firmly crossed that you hear girl though! xxxxxxxxx

greeneyes
November 26th, 2012, 04:22 AM
When I was pg with my last they called and cancelled the ultrasound they day before cause the tech was sick and fell behind on u/s's. I had to wait another week before getting it

Lassie1982
November 29th, 2012, 03:54 AM
And today I have had another 2..... What is it with people?

Colleague: so what's your guess, you must have a guess
Me: I really don't mind what it is, but if I had to guess I'd say boy
Colleague: (laughing) I really hope it's a boy!!!!
Me: why?
Colleague: so then I can laugh at you, if I can't have one of each (she has 2xdd) then why should you! (Laughed as she said it, but really? Who says that? )

Then another colleague was leaving and she doesn't work Fridays.
Colleague: have fun on Saturday, bring some pics
Me: thanks, will do
Colleague: and I'll bring the tissues
Me: what for?
Colleague: in case you hear boy
Me: seriously, for the millionth time, I don't care what it is and am happy either way
Colleague: I'd cry if I had to have another boy!!!
Now I know it's not 'nasty' and I know she didn't mean it in a bad way, but for F#*^% sake stop telling me how disappointing my child will be just because he has a penis! Stop telling me that I will be devastated and in tears!

I really don't know what it is, I've never mentioned or hinted at ANY gd at.
People are obviously assuming (correctly, but thats not the point) that because I have a son, and probably because Im a very girly girl that (I'm very very very girly!) that I want a dd.

But what gives the right to make comments based on those assumptions, to express opinions that they haven't been asked for and to say things that are at best flippant and thoughtless or at worst just nasty and rude.

Typical_Jules
November 29th, 2012, 04:00 AM
Really?! Omg...those comments are way out of line...I'm sorry have to endure that, you have done well to keep your cool
Girl or boy your blessed x that's what they should be saying!!!!

Cinss
November 29th, 2012, 05:30 AM
wow they sound like such bitches! seriously they must be jealous of you or something, to say stuff like that is just so mean and they know it. So sorry you have to face them Lassie :( I know you are a lovely person and are always so polite, but if they give you any crap you should really tell them to shut the hell up!

dloui128
November 29th, 2012, 10:21 AM
You must have great will power because seriously if that was me I probably would of smacked the shit out of someone. I agree with Cinss they must be jealous of you or something because normal people just don't say crap like that.

Pangea
November 29th, 2012, 10:48 AM
Your colleagues are so horrible. I have two boys and nobody would have dreamed of saying anything like that to me when I was pregnant with DS2.

If I were you I would tell them the baby wasn't in the right position to tell during the scan, then after that I think I would say that I was taking it as a sign and decided to stay team green.

cravingsalt
November 29th, 2012, 01:02 PM
Hey Lassie!

Sorry, I missed this until just now. Isnít it amazing how insensitive people can be? I anticipate plenty of those kinds of conversations when I <finally> get pregnant because I already got them with ds2. People crinkling their noses and saying ďmaybe next timeĒ when I was just like you and not even hinting at gd. *hugs* I know itís hard, but the average person really just doesnít have a filter in the moment. I just had one of those moments the other day when I asked ds1ís new therapist if she had any children and she said no, and for whatever reason a very stupid ďNot yet?Ē came out. Come to find out sheís 42 (though she looks no more than 30) and I was kicking myself all evening. People just donít realize if they havenít been there how much the littlest comments, even in jest, can wound so deeply. One great piece of advice auroara gave me was in this post: http://genderdreaming.com/forum/gender-desire/11107-worth.html It made me realize, though it should go without saying, that as long as I will be okay with another boy, everyoneís else's opinions don't matter in the least.

" On the flip side, cravingsalt, I was expecting to when/if I did hear the good news "it's a girl" that everyone would be so happy and astounded by my success!! My mom was very happy and (still is) but now that it's been known for a few weeks, it's old news, and I didn't realize until the fanfare died down, how much I was looking for reassurance and celebration from others to make me happy.

People at work (students and co workers) both were happy I "got the girl" but it was a quick "yay" and now that it's all died down, I really do feel silly for worrying so much about what everyone would think, which was my biggest obstacle to boy 3, wasn't really having a boy, but I worried so much that ppl would jsut see as "another boy" and not special, and I want each of my children to be celebrated and beloved.

...Just keep in mind that while ppl do have a ton of really dumb/hurtful comments, they are not living with you at the end of the day....and everytime someone asks me what im having now, and i say girl, they just nod, like that's what they expected! "

cravingsalt
November 29th, 2012, 01:06 PM
P.S.- Iím team ďJust tell themĒ. I would prep myself for the sh*tstorm of ridiculous comments ahead of time and go in bracing to take them (if itís even a boy) so you donít have to feel like youíre harboring a dirty secret in the meantime... A beautiful healthy baby boy is JOYOUS news!! And anyone who doesnít see that when they hear you announce it with a smile is a twit who is not worth your time or any further justification. Just donít even get caught in the trap of having that justification conversation.

P.S.S.- I think itís a girl anyway.

Lassie1982
November 30th, 2012, 02:20 AM
Hey Lassie!

Sorry, I missed this until just now. Isn’t it amazing how insensitive people can be? I anticipate plenty of those kinds of conversations when I <finally> get pregnant because I already got them with ds2. People crinkling their noses and saying “maybe next time” when I was just like you and not even hinting at gd. *hugs* I know it’s hard, but the average person really just doesn’t have a filter in the moment. I just had one of those moments the other day when I asked ds1’s new therapist if she had any children and she said no, and for whatever reason a very stupid “Not yet?” came out. Come to find out she’s 42 (though she looks no more than 30) and I was kicking myself all evening. People just don’t realize if they haven’t been there how much the littlest comments, even in jest, can wound so deeply. One great piece of advice auroara gave me was in this post: http://genderdreaming.com/forum/gender-desire/11107-worth.html It made me realize, though it should go without saying, that as long as I will be okay with another boy, everyone’s else's opinions don't matter in the least.

" On the flip side, cravingsalt, I was expecting to when/if I did hear the good news "it's a girl" that everyone would be so happy and astounded by my success!! My mom was very happy and (still is) but now that it's been known for a few weeks, it's old news, and I didn't realize until the fanfare died down, how much I was looking for reassurance and celebration from others to make me happy.

People at work (students and co workers) both were happy I "got the girl" but it was a quick "yay" and now that it's all died down, I really do feel silly for worrying so much about what everyone would think, which was my biggest obstacle to boy 3, wasn't really having a boy, but I worried so much that ppl would jsut see as "another boy" and not special, and I want each of my children to be celebrated and beloved.

...Just keep in mind that while ppl do have a ton of really dumb/hurtful comments, they are not living with you at the end of the day....and everytime someone asks me what im having now, and i say girl, they just nod, like that's what they expected! "

Thanks so much for taking the time to post this, that comment sums it up so well. Especially this part "my biggest obstacle to boy 3, wasn't really having a boy, but I worried so much that ppl would jsut see as "another boy" and not special, and I want each of my children to be celebrated and beloved. "
That's exactly what I feel, it upset me that anyone feels they have the right to think of my son if I have one as a disappointment, or something to be sad about.

Thanks so ,ugh again for sharing this :)

Lassie1982
November 30th, 2012, 02:25 AM
P.S.- I’m team “Just tell them”. I would prep myself for the sh*tstorm of ridiculous comments ahead of time and go in bracing to take them (if it’s even a boy) so you don’t have to feel like you’re harboring a dirty secret in the meantime... A beautiful healthy baby boy is JOYOUS news!! And anyone who doesn’t see that when they hear you announce it with a smile is a twit who is not worth your time or any further justification. Just don’t even get caught in the trap of having that justification conversation.

P.S.S.- I think it’s a girl anyway.

Your so sweet :)

I do swing, one moment I think I want to hide it, the next moment I am furiously protective and what to say "stuff you, he's my son, I'm proud of him, I love him, so don't you dare imply that he is anything other then the joyous miracle he is too me" (if it is a boy)

I'm just gonna have to play this one by ear! Getting closer now..... 14hrs to go!

mummypink
November 30th, 2012, 08:17 AM
Sending you a big hug, I don't know why people think it is ok to make such awful comments! I know just what you mean about wanting the baby to be special regardless, that has been one of my biggest fears too and I have been pleasantly surprised by some people since we announced we were having another boy but of course I have still had hurtful comments too.
All of our children are a blessing regardless of gender, and regardless of whether we dream of one gender or another. It doesn't mean our babies are any less loved or precious to us.

I have my fingers firmly crossed that you hear girl but I have a feeling the comments will wind you up regardless and you will probably get oh thank goodness it is a girl etc.

Ignore the nasty comments, these people aren't worth spending any of your time thinking about. xx

auroara78
November 30th, 2012, 10:01 AM
Lassie, can't wait to hear what you are having...but I agree, people can be so insensitive!!!

It amazed me just moments ago I brought some new professional pics in to to work to change out my pics, and all the pics are lying on my desk, some really cute ones of DS1 and 2 hugging...(omg it is so cute, I can't wait to show ya'll!) but anyway, so a student picks up my pile of pictures, without asking, and flips through them quickly, bypassing my sons hurriedly. When she gets to the pic of my daughter in her lavish dress, she says "Oh I bet you are so glad you got the girl."

This comment makes me see RED! Obviously I am very happy I got "the girl", but getting her takes nothing away from my sons....sorry for the vent, but even if you do hear girl, Lassie, be prepared for people trying to undermine your son in favor of your girl.

Good luck!!! I still hope you hear girl, but you know if you hear boy, we will all be here to support and celebrate his amazing little life with you!! :celebrate:

auroara78
November 30th, 2012, 10:04 AM
and cravingsalt, as I read thru your first post I skipped down for some reason to the quoation and I honestly thought to myself "hmmm that sounds so familiar...where I have read that before?" ROFL it's my own words...and I had to go back up to the top of your post and when I read my name...I was like "duh, you dummy...you said that" haha! Ahh, but it warms my heart that the things that I say on here help or offer any insight...I really love all of ya'll so much and I get warm and fuzzy being here with everyone. :bighug:

cravingsalt
November 30th, 2012, 04:48 PM
Hahahaa! Yup, I'm quoting you. Certain things really stick and that one was one of them. One day, if I ever get pregnant, I'm going to have the little auroara nugget of wisdom in the back of my head keeping things in perspective. :awe:

Violet_
November 30th, 2012, 04:58 PM
Good luck with your Gender Scan Lassie, must be any time now. Hope you found a way to deal with your work colleagues.

Lassie1982
November 30th, 2012, 06:04 PM
It's a boy! A very active, very cheeky, so very very cute little boy. I'm head over heals in love with my little man and feel blessed to be honoured with 2 sons :)




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mydream
November 30th, 2012, 06:05 PM
Congrats Lassie-- You will love having 2 of the same gender!!!

cravingsalt
December 3rd, 2012, 05:36 PM
Lass- did you decide to tell coworkers? I hope that everyone is very happy and gives your little guy the welcome party he deserves!

Lassie1982
December 3rd, 2012, 05:38 PM
Thought I'd give you all an update

I bit the bullet and decided to tell my co workers.

I figured why should I hide his gender like some shameful secret just because they are ignorant and hurtful. He is my son. I love him. And I'm ferociously protective of him already. So I told them all its a boy, and then the "oh dears" and "I'm sorry's" started rolling in. So I just told them I was actually overjoyed, that there was nothing to be sorry for because I am so proud of the fact that I have another son growing inside me, I have a happy, healthy baby growing inside of me, and anyone who can't see the joy in that needs to be sorry for themselves, not for me.
I really don't know where that came from, because I am the quiet submissive type, but not only did they believe it, but it put an end to all their commentary. One of them even apologised!
So my advice to anyone having trouble with comments is to stick it to them firmly, let them see that you are proud and in love (fake it till you make it if you have to) and it shuts them up.

all in all I think I am doing ok. I am truly head over heels in love, he is mine, a creation that me and the man that I love made together, I wouldn't swap him, even though he is still in utero, I wouldn't swap him. This little soul chose us, and I'm embracing the miracle of life. I can't change that he has a penis, the only thing I can change is how I react to it. It's entirely my choice wether I choose to be sad and disappointed, or wether I choose to accept it and love him for who he is, my son. I keep playing that in my head, and it honestly makes it so much easier to smile, and so much easier to push to the back of my mind the desire for pink. All this little man wants is to be loved, just love, and I can give him that, I might not be able to give him the best toys, the best books, the best gadgets, but I can give him the best of my love, and I will do exactly that.

The Anchor
December 3rd, 2012, 05:40 PM
An awesome, heartfelt post...got me a little choked up. CONGRATS on your remarkable little man!

BeadinMom
December 3rd, 2012, 06:07 PM
Anchor, I thought it was just me...
I started to tear up, too.

Lassie, you are truly so blessed...and so is your new little man. You are carrying your son's best friend....his best man & the godfather of his baby. You are carrying so much more than just another boy...and it may not be apparent just yet (although it is SO OBVIOUS how much he is loved already), but when you see those two little guys together, you will understand just what I mean. In fact, I know it's crazy, but just thinking of my sweet boys playing together all these years has me bawling right now...lol...I feel like such a loon.

I started out intending to sway, but having such a difficult time falling pregnant has made me realize that all I want right now is a healthy sweet baby in my arms - what is in their diaper is completely irrelevant.

We took family pictures a couple of weeks ago...I could not have been more proud of my sweet guys.

Typical_Jules
December 3rd, 2012, 06:23 PM
Awwww congratulations!!! Yur gng to love having 2 boys x you did well with those people at work... Put them right back in their boxes :)

HopingForPigtails
December 4th, 2012, 01:10 AM
Just wanted to congratulate you on your DS2. Like others have said, you will have no idea what a blessing it is to have two boys until you actually see them playing and interacting together. I am from a pigeon pair family so had no idea growing up what same sex siblings were really like. I always assumed I'd have a pigeon pair, too. So when I found out #2 was another boy, I was a little bummed simply because it was different from what I knew. But now, I wouldn't change it for anything. DS2 is such a sweet, beautiful, dream of a little guy. And he and DS1 are so stinkin cute together (but they're brothers and fight too! :-). You will truly be even more in love as time goes on. Congrats!!

luckylass
December 4th, 2012, 07:39 AM
Lassie, I think that is one of the most beautiful things I have every read and that little boy growing inside you is truly blessed to have you as his mother. When we had ds1 we prayed baby no.2 would also be a boy as dh and I both come from a family with two boys and we really wanted our little boy to have the same bond with a brother. My boys are still young but already the adore each other and love to be together. I was watching them sitting on the floor last night ds1 talking and ds2 babbling back to him while playing with their toys and it really did melt my heart. You are giving your ds's a wonderful gift in each other and they in turn have a wonderful gift having you as a mom.

cravingsalt
December 4th, 2012, 12:59 PM
You tell 'em Lass! That is just beautiful and I love seeing your mama-bear protectiveness covering your newest little one. Like everyone said, two brothers is amazing. I wouldn't trade the two that I have for the world.

P.S.- I'm bookmarking this to come back to because it is absolutely inspirational.

Lassie1982
December 4th, 2012, 04:43 PM
Thanks so much for all the kind words, they really do mean so much, love that I can literally just pour my entire heart out here, I feel so lucky to have found is group and to be a part of it
Xo



Lassie, you are truly so blessed...and so is your new little man. You are carrying your son's best friend....his best man & the godfather of his baby. You are carrying so much more than just another boy...
This is amazing, I had never actually thought of it that way, but its so true, that's remarkable! Thank you :)