I am about to lose my best friend over this

[Longingforgirl]

Hi dear ladies,

I think I have not yet posted here, but today I just need to talk to somebody who can propably understand and relate.

A few weeks ago, I had my very first IVF/PGD. My best friend has also been trying to get pregnant. It was her 3rd cycle doing Insemination. On the day that my eggs were being retrieved, she had her insemination. On our way back from Prague, we stopped at her house and we were dreaming about both getting pregnant at the very same time, having the same due date and everything. That of course would have been so great.
As it turned out, I didn't even get to have transfer. But she had a BFP.

Ever since then, I am trying to fight those really wrong and bad feelings I am having. Yesterday, she had her ultrasound appointment and I was seriously hoping that she would not get to see the heart beating. Writing that is so hard because I am feeling sooo ashamed and so guilty of those feelings. I should be so happy for her! I am happy for all those girls here in the forum, I can honestly happy about every single one succeeding here. Why can I not be happy for her then?

Of course I am already a litte jealous because she already has a daughter and has no gender preference for this pregnancy. Every time she mentions her pregnancy and her due date (that really hit me somehow because we would have had the same), I can hardly speak anymore. She had always said I would be getting pregnant with twins and she is never going to get pregnant again (out of frustration I think). I cannot blame her for my cycle having failed. I cannot blame her for anything. She has always been so supportive. And I have always been supportive in her previous cycles. But this time... I don't know. I'm avoiding her as much as I can. I even told her that I needed some time, but I feel like the friendship is falling apart. But how do I deal with it then? How can I get myself being happy for her? Sometimes I can manage to pretend I am really happy, but I am so ashamed and feeling so bad and sad that I honestly can't. :sad:

Maybe some here have some thoughts about this. Thanks a lot for reading. Writing this has already helped somehow :-) I am so glad I have found this forum...

[mummypink]

Oh hun, sending you a big hug.

I think you just need to be honest with her, tell her how you are feeling and that you hate feeling this way and want to be so happy and excited for her but maybe it will take a little bit of time because you're feeling so sad about not getting pregnant alongside her. I am sure she will understand and would rather you work through it together than lose the friendship.

I really hope you get a BFP very soon and that hopefully stops how you are feeling about your friends pregnancy. x

[nuthinbutpink]

I don't know. I know GD is hard but I always want to treat others the way I'd want to be treated. This was her third try. You can try again and find success. When you do I fear you are going to feel bad about all this. I don't want to criticize but I don't equate infertility with our gender selection treatment. I understand the desire but that is your friend. I think you have to figure out a way to deal with the jealousy and not blame her for your misfortune.

Wouldn't you want her to be happy for you? Wouldn't you want to share the joy with her? I know intellectually you would so you have to realize you get another try at this and things can work out.

She doesn't need anything else working against her. She's just trying to live her life just as you are. I hope you're able to take a deep breath and be happy for her. Women need to support other women.

[Longingforgirl]

Thank you for your quick replies! Yes, I know, she had inseminations as well. I have had them with my boys, I myself have been in the positition of wanting a child so badly and not getting pregnant at all. I had a miscarriage before my first son and for more than 2 years I was afraid of never having a child.
So I know the feeling of just wanting to get pregnant. I am pretty sure I cannot get pregnant without any help anyway.

I sooo badly want to support her!!! So badly! I just need to work around those bad feelings and I don't know how. :sad:

[fish2012]

oh darling how hard

fake it till you make it! as soon as you get your bfp you forget the hearache of getting there, pretend you are happy for her and in time you'll relise you are happy for her. If she's a good friend she will take time to say she understands you must be finding it tough and i wouldn't hide it but i honestly think you need to smile congratualte and be her biggest cheerleader for your friendship to continue

good luck these feeling are tough we all have them here but i would try and continue with her as normal and hope she is sensative

good luck a freidn told me today she is preggie same date as i would have if i'd got preggie last month the smile was hard to put on but whether she gets here's doesn't affect my chance her ds1 is 8 weeks older than my ds2 so i just hope i catch this month and we'll have the same gap again .....maybe it was meant to be!


good luck

[Cinss]

It may just take you a little longer to get pregnant, its ok, keep positive about it, hopefully it happens soon for you. You will both have kids just not at the same time, yours will be younger and cuter for ever :)

[Wanting a daughter]

Really tough... I would be cautious about telling her all your feelings on this. Let her know you are struggling with your BFN and it's making it a little difficult to be there for her right now but don't go into the details of your negative thoughts. That may be hard for her to deal with and let go of later. Just ask for a little time to deal with it all and hopefully she will understand. But I agree with some of the others that you are going to have to swallow hard and step up for her soon. I love the idea of fake it till you make it. I'm sure after some time you'll find yourself excited for her as you are wanting to be. Good luck and hugs.

[Longingforgirl]

Thank you so much girls!

Fake it till I make it - I will from now on think of that every time I talk to her. This is what I have been doing actually. I did tell her that I am having a hard time dealing with my NT. But I was cheering her on, even though I had those nasty feelings. Yesterday I was thinking about what I have written. It sounded so cruel. And of course I do not want her going through a miscarriage. I know how that feels, I know how hard that is. I don't seriously want her to go through that.
Now I think it had also a lot to do with me losing hope altogether after realizing how bad the quality of my eggs were.

I really hope I can get to more positive feelings soon, honest good feelings. Until then, I guess you are right, I don't have much choice but cheering her on anyway.
I guess what helps is that I am getting more hope again for my next cycle as well. I think a lot has gone wrong the first time and I really hope that things will improve next time, which will unfortunately not be until next October.

It helps so much just talking about it. I am so glad we all have this forum to come to.

[Claire33]

I agree with the fake it till you make it. I've been on both sides of this. I've been the one who got easily pregnant while my friends struggled. I also had guilt that I got pregnant but they didn't. I was sooo grateful for their support and that we didn't loose our friendships over the fact that I had a child but they didn't. They loved my baby and I really appreciated this. Then with my 2nd pregnancy I had a miscarriage while 5 of my other friends were pregnant. Their bellies got bigger and bigger while I struggled to get pregnant again. It was very difficult, but I really did my best to fake it and show that I was happy for them, even though I was not always happy that they were pregnant while I was not. I can't imagine what it must have been like for my friends who have struggled for years and years while all their friends get 1st, 2nd and 3rd babies. Life is so unfair sometimes. But jealousy is not worth loosing a friendship over, so just keep your struggles to yourself and "Fake it till you make it". Hang on in there and hugs to you. Hope you get your baby (girl) soon.

[BeadinMom]

Honestly...PLEASE don't take this the wrong way...
but a lot of the drugs we're on (for me, right now it's BCP and previously progesterone & I've already heard the horror stories about the clomid I'll be taking, so I've been warned) make us crazy. We feel things we wouldn't ordinarily feel. We're overly sensitive and quick to react. Well...I say WE, but that's how *I* have been feeling. And that's not even taking into consideration all that i'm dealing with emotionally with how difficult this whole situation of secondary infertility has been!
I'm just ready for my body to just be settled and to be pregnant.

I hope it happens for you soon, OP...and i agree with fish and the other ladies...fake it till you make it. Just treat her the way you would want to be treated!!