Roll on christmas - am feeling so down

[Mrs_P]

Sorry to be so self indulgent as to make my own post to have moan but i need to let my feelings out, please free to ignore me - i just need to vent.

I am feeling so down with this pregnancy and cross at everything especially myself for getting pregnant again as i knew i would be in this position. I want a daughter so badly its consuming me and i cannot bear the thought of going through life without one. I don't even know why we bothered swaying as i really don't think it will work for me and all the opposites some of the lovely ladies have had lately have just hammered this home. The sex of this baby is all i think about, its all i dream about (if i can sleep) and its taken such a hold of me since i've gotten pregnant (i was reasonably sane before all of it - at least as much as you can be with 3 kids and very happy with my family). I thought i was fine with another boy but i'm not i feel like throwing a tantrum as it so not fair, hundreds of women get little girls every day and there is nothing i can do about something that means so much to me (ht is not an option for us due to costs and the chances of it working are slim so even if we could afford one shot we might as well just throw the money away, adoption also isn't - believe me i have looked into it). I feel so stuck and so angry about that.

I really don't want my feelings to affect my beautiful boys, they are my world and i want them to be happy but my last pregnancy i suffered such bad gd when i heard boy i was almost verging on depressed for weeks and went through a short time period (albeit about an hour) where i felt angry towards my own gorgeous boys. I know there is light at the end of the tunnel if the worst happens as i love my littlest boy so much and we got through it but the sadness at not having a little doesn't fade (even though the disappointment at boy does). It makes it worse this time as none of our family want us to have a fourth and i know we will get horrible comments about a fourth boy (although they would love a girl so would forget the no fourth child thing).

Work is really hard at the moment to, i'm doing a new job on trial and its so hard with being pregnant to and its making my other long term illness flair up and me quite poorly. So all in all i feeling so miserable and sorry for myself and the thought of being in this limbo for weeks to come seems almost unbearable, my chances for a girl are slim to none so how do i accept this little boy and move on and get ready to fight for him to my family now, without spending months fighting gd to.

It felt like when we swaying the theories made sense and i had a good chance and i am normally quite a positive person so hoped it would work and i'd be one of the lucky ones. The minute i got my bfp it felt like my chance at a daughter had been taken away from me and its got worse since then. There is no-one i can talk to in real life, no-one knows i'm pregnant and i'm to embraced to admit it to anyone as i know we'll get the four kids comments and the boy comments and negative reactions off our family and i'm not strong enough to deal with that. Just once i would love to go i'm pregnant and have my mom be pleased (for one reason or another she hasn't wanted any of the kids although they are her world now) but i know all i will get is initial anger (we borrowed some money off her when we brought our house and although it was mean't to be a long term loan she'd get back at retirement age (as in another 5 to 10 years from now) she's got funny about it over the last few years and wants it now, which is not an option at the moment and she feels another baby would push this back by another couple of years, although on the other hand its not what we agreed and i can't put my life on hold either we have given her what we can back and times ticking for us to keep age gaps close with our kids)

I missed so much of my last pregnancy to gd and my sons first few months so sadness and worry (as we nearly lost our beautiful ds2 shortly after ds3 was born and it hit me so hard for months, i was so scared i would loose one of my boys i forgot to enjoy them). I really want to be over this as its my last pregnancy, i want to enjoy it. I have nothing positive at the moment except my beautiful boys (which i thank god for every day as they are my world and my reason for being), work is hard, i feel ill, dh doesn't understand and am trying so hard to be grateful for what i have but am struggling. And as stupid as it sounds i'm also worried on the off chance i get my hearts desire that something horrible would happen to one of kids as no-one should be that happy (i would rather go my whole life with a little sadness than risk anything happening to them). Oh gosh its official i am a crazy person - stupid pregnancy hormones

Anyway sorry for the moan if anyone is still reading my little sob fest and roll on christmas; its such a big thing in my family and i get as excited as the kids so am sure it will take my mind of whatever other stuff is going on!

[trifecta]

With the new job and your health issues you have a lot on your plate right now even without thinking of the sex of the baby. I'm sorry your mother isn't being supportive. It's hard when everything is in flux. I'm sure you know this but you do deserve to be happy--there's no finite allotment of happiness for each of us to use up.

[Rose]

Dear Mrs. P,

I felt these exact feelings when I was right at your stage... 9 1/2 weeks pregnant and days away from my CVS. I was filled with fear and regret for getting pregnant.

Are you planning to do any testing so that you can find resolution one way or another? You could do a CVS in three days. Or at least your NT scan in two weeks? That may help.

Hang in there. As many dear friends reassured me, you will handle any situation that comes your way. The not knowing may be the worst part.

All the best,

Rose

[mariposa]

I´m sorry you feel like this.... I know my opinion is not going to change anything on your feelings, but I think you did a god sway, and altough it´s never 100% , I think (and wish) this is for you... and I wish there´s a little girl growing in you. Many things have been different in this BFP respect the others...and like nuthingbutpink said "swaying is about breaking the patterns"
I wish I could tell you somthing else...the waiting is awful, we put so many hopes about hearing our DG.... In my country, at 8 week of pregnancy (6 weeks after BFP) you can do a private bood test and they look for Y chromosome. It has a 98% success. Is there anything similar in your country? If not, you are only from 3 weeks of your 12 weeks scan! I hope time goes fast for you and finally get your DG :HH:

[Mrs_P]

Thank you so much for your comments ladies,

I am going to talk to my midwife next week about whether she'll let me have a cvs test not cause of gender (although that would be nice and bring me some closure) but cause of other risks. As some of you know my eldest son has SEN nothing that would show on test but i know i couldn't handle a child with something worse like downs with my health and my other kids and am stressing over that possibility to especially as ds3 had a high nucual measurement (which they told me was ok as my age would bring the risks down WTF?) which i worried about all throughout my pregnancy although didn't push we would have kept him regardless but years on and things are different now.

Also i met my birth father a while back and his sister (who is 10 years plus younger than him) was pregnant with her second and waiting test results - i presumed cause of age but she told me no due to family history she had to have test anyway. It didn't bother at the time as i'd had my babies but now it makes me think well thats my history to and i have no idea why (and didn't like to ask at the time as it was the first time and only time i met her) and can't ask my dad as they live in spain and he has dropped off email communication 6 months ago (weird relationship and never was much of dad in the 2 years i knew him so should not have been surprised) but anyway that keeps crossing my mind to.

I know i should wait and see results of the nt this time and blood test results but that would then mean amnio which is safer and done later on, after which time we would have had to have told everyone we are pregnant and dh's family are strongly religious and anti-abortion so benefit of cvs is we can do it before we tell anyone. I know its not something a lot of people agree with (termination for dodgy test results) and that some would keep the baby no matter what (i was one of these with my first 3) but now i need to put my family and myself first and be fair to the baby, i know its something i couldn't handle

[coocoobananas]

Ah msP I've gone through a lot of us this too although I'm only on baby 3. I had and still have a lot of regret. I don't have much advice to give but know you are not alone, everything you say is valid and people in the real world don't get it because they haven't been in your shoes. I know all of us wish we didn't care what we got, but we do and that's what makes all of this so incredibly painful. I wish for you the girl you so much deserve! I have a soft spot for you ladies with 3 or more of the same, nobody deserves their turn more:)

[Mrs_P]

Thank you Coocoo don't know what i'd do without you all, i love the ladies so much in your group, you have all heard blue with such grace my heart has broken for all of you. Why does it seem so much, so unattainable to get our little girl after all there are hundreds of them on the planet, every other person is one, every other baby born is pink so why do i feel like i have about as much chance as birthing a litter of puppies!!!!

[hotdogz&boyz]

I think a lot of what you are saying are feelings we have had one point or another. The obsession seems epidemic. And I don't have work stress and feeling sick on top of it. And I am still feeling obsessed and possessed by feelings of "it can't possibly be a girl, don't even hope, my chances are none, etc" I think it is pretty astute of you to be concerned about not wanting GD to take over the pregnancy, since you have that experience before. And it's a real fear for you.

None of us judge you for how you feel about your boys or the worry of something happening to one of them. It is a thought I have daily. I adore my sons, truthfully even more than I thought I would. Not because they are boys, but because I didn't know how strong maternal love was. I love watching them together, I love who they are, I love who they will become. I don't regret them for a second. But it doesn't make me forget about desperately wanting a daughter. I don't care about frills and dresses and pink. I care about being mother of the bride, I care about being there for her in her teenage years, I care about helping her deliver her babies. I care about things that might not happen. It's nonsensical...but it's there and I care. I want a daughter. I know I will love another son. I am not worried about what will be when he gets here. But I might be sad when I find out its a boy. And it might take a while to get over the anger, jealousy, and stupid comments others make. And if you have negative people in your life to start with (frankly, even if you borrowed money, it's none of their business how many kids you have...at all), it compounds all of the feelings of having another son.

I hope that you can feel better soon. For me, I decided to find out the gender as soon as I can, so I can handle my feelings and get with reality. I feel I already know its a boy...no matter what symptoms or nub theory or whatever else say. I can get excited about the thought of a daughter...but I am fairly certain I am foolng myself and it is a boy. I figure as long as I am preparing myself ahead of time, I will be okay. I can get excited...knowing the adorable person I will bring home. I helps that all of my cousins and friends are having boys around the same time. It lessens my jealousy and makes it okay for me to have another boy. Sure, I'll be sad that I won't be having a daughter, again. But I hope the question being gone will make it better for me. Because the obsession about it is making me nuts.

[3boys]

Mrs P I could have wrote a lot of this post myself.

we started swaying hard last year for a DD (it was the beginning of 2011) so to be honest it was mostly an ingender sway. I miscarried at nine weeks. It took me a long time to pluck up the courage to sway again as I was paranoid of miscarriage so much so that I followed the LE Diet for longer than the five months it took us to conceieve but didn't post as I felt it would jinks my unborn child. I honestly felt because of the miscarriage and because it had took me over a year to fall pregnant that I was mostly over GD and that I was happy with having a forth boy.

Since finding out that I was pregnant I have realise my GD is still there, I had just prioritised it and so wasn't as aware of it before my BFP. Since finding out that my little bean is fine it has creeped back into full swing. Before I felt like I at least had a 50/50 shot at a girl but now I feel like I have no chance and I am already angry about an outcome that hasn't even been confirmed yet.

My little GD baby Ds3 had to spend a lot of time in intensive care and nearly died. It made me feel awful that I had spent all his pregnancy down and angry about him being a boy and then he nearly died. What if this one is a boy and my GD causes something else bad to happen??!!

It all sounds crazy and I honestly believe it is the hormones making me irrational. But I totally totally get you! My mum has never agreed to any of my pregnancies either for some reason or another.

[auroara78]

Mrs. P,

these feelings are totally normal. I remember feeling completely bleak and depressed from 5 weeks pregnant till about 11-12 weeks with my daughter. My mood and outlook was demolished. I felt like I was just a fool--before, while I was swaying, I felt really good at my attempt, very serene, but a few weeks into the pregnancy, I ping-ponged between anger and being very cross, to an unbelievable sadness, to feeling foolish and under-confident. Anxiety would strike me at random times...and I kept thinking, "why did you even try? You'll just have DS3 and everyone would have told you so." I had a similiar situation as far as family support goes...they were very against us trying so soon, due to some finanical issues...it was hard enough being pregnant with that going on, but I also felt that I'd let down my whole family if she wasn't a girl because they wouldn't think a 3rd son would be worth all that fuss.

My mood lifted around 12 weeks like I said, and out of nowhere, closer to my ultrasound scan, I felt very confident and sure that my sway worked. It was just this easy knowledge I had that it worked--while just a few weeks earlier I felt completely in the dumps about it and that I wouldn't be so lucky to have a DD.

Hunny, YOU are worthy of a daughter. I honestly believe she will come if she's meant to be. I believe God sent me to find this website to help give me the tools I needed to get Lillian here. If you still have a 4th son, at least you tried--you gave it your all--your sway was so awesome and much, much better than mine.

I think you may just be surprised when you hear "it's a girl!" ...it can happen, trust me.

[Mrs_P]

Thank you all so much for your lovely comments (and for not thinking i'm insane or a completely horrible person). It makes such a difference to share these things with people who understand. I don't think i'm going to feel better until i have confirmation and can move on, whatever the outcome, but knowing i have wonderful people who i can talk to really helps me deal with the feelings. With Toby i hid everything from everyone as no-one understood or really cared and it made it all the harder to put a brave face on and feeling so alone, going crazy trapped inside my own head and feeling like the worst mother ever.

[Mrs_P]

Having a really really bad today :tissue: everything is going wrong.

I took on my new job temporarily on a trial a few months ago but part of the deal was i have to have a car, so i went out and brought a cheap (but still £500 which i hadn't really got) car to do my 3 month trial with and just found out the trial has been extended for another 3 months after which if everything is ok it all go through job evaluation to create a post, so all in all it will take approx a YEAR to be sorted. During this time i am out of pocket as its costing me money to run a car that i am only using twice a week for work and don't otherwise need and whats worse, apart from the fact that i have the running costs, they will take the mileage allowance i get paid (which only just covers petrol) as income and they will reduce our tax credits - so i am doing a difficult job (easily 50% more salary than i am on now) for free, its costing me money and on top of it all the car that i need and has cost me a fortune won't start this morning. Stupid thing and with christmas coming up i have no spare money so if i fix it christmas presents go out the window but i can't do my job without it!

To make matters worse, i got my uni result to and i failed my exam which means that my lovely first that i had attained for my coursework now becomes a third for that module, what a waste of nine months worth of work. My grade usually suffers at the end and comes down to a 2:1 overall at exam time but i figure with work and 3 kids i do ok and thats still a good degree but this felt like a kick in the teeth.

On top of it all i'm having a really bad gd day and keep bursting into tears for no reason and at anything. I know they aren't major things but i just feel like everything is going tits up (sorry) and am so down and fed up of problems and all time my heart is breaking inside for the daughter i will never have i just want to run away!

[auroara78]

Oh hun, big big :hugs:

That really sucks about the job thing. That is so much pressure! It would drive me crazy!

And about the gender thing, you really do not know if this baby is truly a boy or not. I've read your sway and I think it was really good, esp. the Clomid. I know Clomid is no magic bullet but it does seem pretty effective for the swayers. I know it's tough, but...would it hurt you a lot more to just think and daydream about what if you did hear girl? I fought it for some time during this pregnancy, but once I gave in, and let the dreams happen, it really helped me relax some, and I did keep it in my mind that the baby could still be a boy too, but before I knew what the baby was, I needed an out. I was too stressy about the what ifs, so I just decided to enjoy fantasizes before I knew.

Again, I wouldn't want you to daydreams if it would hurt you too much. But, maybe, having a little faith that you could very well be having a girl could help too. :heart:

[Mrs_P]

Thanks Auroara, i have done the dream thing, when i was swaying i had so many dreams and such a feeling i'd get a girl next (i even saw her face and heard her name, a name that both dh and i love and the only girl name we ever agreed on, i mentioned it to him after the dream and loved it) but now its happened all i see is a boy. I had this before with ds3 i saw a little boy and his name Charlie (always been our back up name) but i let myself go against my gut and believe i could be lucky but i wasn't and it was such a harder place to fall from. I never did get the little boy in my dream but i def got my Toby and he is all boy - i think its a sign that my body is trying to tell me something. This time i need to listen and deal with it x

[auroara78]

Ah, Mrs_P, fair enough for sure.

Will you get an early scan for peace of mind?

[Mrs_P]

Ah, Mrs_P, fair enough for sure.

Will you get an early scan for peace of mind?

one way or another i need to know as soon as i can so i can deal with before gd grabs me too badly - for me the not knowing is worse than finding out and hearing boy. Daft i know but i struggle to deal with the hope

[Mum23boys]

Hwy hunny bunch how you feeling today ? As of today I have officially become a member of the GD group !!! As you know ive been fine with anoter boy from day 1 of ttc back in June but today having yet another friend announce their pregnancy and anoter friend confirming her new Boy Girl family I just feel sure i will be te one popping out a boy as they have both been blessed with one of eac and here I am about to have a 4th boy - i know that in itself is magic ad unique but i cant help feeling they will be sniggering behind my back and feeling all smug in themselves for having 1 of each. I just feel like curling up i a ball and crying and i really thought until now i was fine - clearly not !!!

[Adia]

I know i should wait and see results of the nt this time and blood test results but that would then mean amnio which is safer and done later on, after which time we would have had to have told everyone we are pregnant and dh's family are strongly religious and anti-abortion so benefit of cvs is we can do it before we tell anyone. I know its not something a lot of people agree with (termination for dodgy test results) and that some would keep the baby no matter what (i was one of these with my first 3) but now i need to put my family and myself first and be fair to the baby, i know its something i couldn't handle

If you can get a CVS I would strongly recommend it. If you even think their are genetic concerns then I would push for that. And a bonus would be finding out the gender. If you find out the gender than you can make a decision while you still have time. I think abortion is a tough call, but very very important to have that option. If another boy is going to gut you and just be too much then do what's right for you and your family.

Hang in there. You are juggling a lot right now and being prego with gd doesn't help. :LotsofLove:

[Mrs_P]

If you can get a CVS I would strongly recommend it. If you even think their are genetic concerns then I would push for that. And a bonus would be finding out the gender. If you find out the gender than you can make a decision while you still have time. I think abortion is a tough call, but very very important to have that option. If another boy is going to gut you and just be too much then do what's right for you and your family.

Hang in there. You are juggling a lot right now and being prego with gd doesn't help. :LotsofLove:

Thank you for that lovely comment and for not judging me - it really makes a huge difference, i don't know what i would do without the support on here

[Mrs_P]

Hwy hunny bunch how you feeling today ? As of today I have officially become a member of the GD group !!! As you know ive been fine with anoter boy from day 1 of ttc back in June but today having yet another friend announce their pregnancy and anoter friend confirming her new Boy Girl family I just feel sure i will be te one popping out a boy as they have both been blessed with one of eac and here I am about to have a 4th boy - i know that in itself is magic ad unique but i cant help feeling they will be sniggering behind my back and feeling all smug in themselves for having 1 of each. I just feel like curling up i a ball and crying and i really thought until now i was fine - clearly not !!!

Oh no hunny not you to :sad: your the strong one, when i feel myself really sinking low i always look up your posts. You take the idea of 4th boy with such grace and positivity it really gives me a good kick up the bum to count my blessings and to stop feeling so selfish.

Maybe GD is something none of us can escape however, strong we try to be, our dreams are just too deeply routed and hard to give up upon. It just seems so hard that we are attentive loving moms to our little boy, we take what we have been dealt with a smile and try our best to be the best moms possible, is it too much to just hope for one little girl, just to fill the void and take the sad feelings away. My boys are my world (and i honestly would not trade a single one of them for a girl - although anyone wanting a boy i will swap this one!!) but how can i be the best mom and the mom they deserve when a part of me feels missing and numb. I know i would not love a girl more, it would just make me more content. It would not be about her or dresses or bows, she could be whoever she is mean't to be and loved regardless (same as the boys) i just need that balance - why is that so hard or so wrong?

It really does break my heart all the girls hearing opposites and all the sadness - i really hope we could all live the dream one day xxx

[Flowerfairy]

I hope this doesn't sound bad, I really do not mean to offend or upset. I have two Dd's and am expecting my third girl. I have experienced a fair bit of GD when I discovered that I will never get my boy. On the flip side, if I had two sons and were in a position where I was expecting my third son then I can honestly say that I would be heartbroken. We can't help the way we feel. Mrs P, please don't be hard on yourself, it is okay to have these feelings. It's just one of those things that so many people dare not speak about in RL for fear of being judged. You sound like you have a lot on your plate at the moment, please be kind to yourself. I really do hope that things go well for you.