4 girls and husband says he's done. Any hopeful stories out there?

[4devochki]

Our youngest 2 girls (twins after two singletons) have just turned five. Due to my age, adoption agencies will soon reject me for infant/toddler adoptions, and high-tech with donor egg also gets more daunting, though I'm in good health. Mostly I don't want to leave the "starting over" too long, and I am dying, yearning and praying for the boy I've dreamed of for ten years.

DH (younger than me by 9 years) said at one time he "might" be open to adoption but for the last year I've put out feelers every 3 months or so, only to be turned down--no, too hectic, more than we can handle, doesn't feel like a good enough parent, etc. etc.

Giving up this dream would kill me. I honestly don't think I can live in peace for the rest of my days without raising a son. I know we can do this.

Is there anyone who's faced a similar situation and come through it...with your DG, of course? Or not? Would be grateful for any experience.

[Zivic-Bubac]

Hey четири девочки! :wave:

My DH was done after 2 kids :rolleyes: He has no gender preferences which is unexplainable lol!
Since I want my son BADLY, I talked him to this (failed) project. I was repeating the same day after day after day until he agreed, though he never swayed :mad: so I blame him for 3rd girl :wink:

The thing is he loves me and he is a good man who loves his children so I knew he'll say 'yes' eventually.
Now he doesn't even know we will try for No4 :p but I'm sure when the time comes he'll agree. his reasons are our circumstances ( 1 car, small appartment, money....+ our age, I'm 40, he is 39) I understand his point of view completely, but I can't let go of my dream. It's not like we're starving or super poor it's just 'the quality of life" like he says.

I say be persistent and hopefully he'll say yes.

[Hobbermittens]

My DH didn't want a 3rd, let alone a 4th, but after #3 (a surprise pregnancy) turned out to be a girl, and I was devastated, I begged him to sway for a boy--and he eventually agreed. He admitted several times, though, that he was only doing it for me. Now that baby #4 is here, our life is totally hectic and sometimes overwhelming, and honestly, I feel like it has taken a toll on our marriage. Baby #4 is still an infant, so maybe things will be better in a few years. That being said, I am totally happy that I got DS2, and he is worth all the craziness around here!

Anyway, if having a son is your dream, make sure your DH knows that you can't give up, and that you need to fulfill it. Good luck, and I hope your DH comes around!

[4devochki]

Thank you for the encouragement, Hobbermittens!

[4devochki]

Привет, Зивиц! Как дела? Here's hoping both our dreams come true!

[Zivic-Bubac]

Привет, Зивиц! Как дела? Мила моја, ја сам из Сербије, а мало разумем по Руски :)
If you want, you can also join us here Later Moms (http://genderdreaming.com/forum/later-moms/) At our age boosting egg quality comes first which is also good for blue sway. Tи ниси сказала колико лета имаш, али си сигурно млађа од мене ;)

[4devochki]

Thank you, Zivic! Колико лета имею--страшное дело (46)! I've joined you on the other board on the great thread you started on DHs' views...

[Longingforgirl]

Hi,
I had a really hard time convincing my DH as well. In the beginning, I thought I didn't have a chance because he insisted on never ever doing that. But with time, he eventually came around. I kept begging him, explaining over and over again why this is so important for me. And after months of begging and explaining, he slowly changed his mind. First I got a "maybe", and then he finally said yes :running:
I wish you very good luck convincing your DH! Until then, you can already do your research about where you would like to go to for this. That way, you can act faster once you got a yes from him.
All the best!

[Violet_]

It's taken a fair bit of time and effort and waiting patiently to convince my DH to go for baby number 4. We both grew up in big families, his 5 kids, mine 10 kids and we both have this concern for our children being looked after well enough. Don't need to be rich but don't want my children having to fight for their food or almost starving like in my household. But I won't let that happen. My mum spend $1000's of dollars on unnecessary things when her children had no food or clothes, a dirt floor to sleep on etc. That won't happen to our family. If this baby isn't a girl, then I want to try again. Hubby says no more after this but we will take it as it comes.

[4devochki]

Thanks to you both, Longing and Violet. You give me hope, which is precious. Sending copious girl dust your way...

We live in Russia where there are lots of little boys in orphanages. I look at their pictures sometimes and cry. So I know right where we'd go, what agency to use, how to get the documents together, who can do our home study here, etc...if only I could inspire and convince DH!

[Violet_]

Oh I'd love to adopt. That would be fantastic. We can't afford it though. I'd love to adopt a little girl but it's not going to happen.

I think your hubby might very well come round. xx

[dreamingpink77]

I hope you manage to convince your husband 4debochki, sometimes they just can't understand the emptiness we feel inside when we so much long for a particular gender. Can I ask you girls something please? Is anyone of you afraid that you'll love your desired gender more than your other children, if you'll ever get her/him somehow? cause I also am thinking of adopting one day and I keep telling myself, what if my children feel unwanted for knowing that I so much wanted a girl that I adopted one? and what if I love her more than my own kids? It wouldn't be nice and fair towards my own children of course.

[Violet_]

No, I have no concerns about loving a daughter more than my sons. Definitely won't happen. I'm so against favortism, I've seen it pull my family, siblings etc apart and do so much damage. Plus I've also seen little girls from a family of boys, get spoilt and turn into total bitches and I wouldn't allow that to happen either. I'm so careful to treat all my children fairly and am always so conscious of it that I wouldn't let it take place at all. But I admit, that I would have to constantly be on my husband's case reminding him not to spoil our daughter, because I know he would. He is such a softy and wants a little princess so bad. He'd be inclined to spoil her for sure. I'd have to remind him all the time to pull himself up.

[4devochki]

I hope you manage to convince your husband 4debochki, sometimes they just can't understand the emptiness we feel inside when we so much long for a particular gender. Can I ask you girls something please? Is anyone of you afraid that you'll love your desired gender more than your other children, if you'll ever get her/him somehow? cause I also am thinking of adopting one day and I keep telling myself, what if my children feel unwanted for knowing that I so much wanted a girl that I adopted one? and what if I love her more than my own kids? It wouldn't be nice and fair towards my own children of course.

Dreamingpink I think this is really smart to think through now beforehand. I talk about this with our girls as they know I'm interested in adoption and it comes up when we are doing various charity projects for orphans. I tell them that in any family, parents want to add more children not because they don't love the children they have, but because they love them so much that they want to add more. And we talk about having a brother, because a change would be a nice addition, and because they love boys they know, not because girls are not good enough, or not enough. It seems to satisfy them. When the younger ones were still four, one did ask me something to the effect of "what if I'm naughty and he's not and you love him more?," at which point i gave her plenty of reassurance that i still love her very much when she's naughty, and that all children are sometimes.

Thinking through the adoption, though, I know the question does not end there. Bringing an adopted child into your family is incredibly demanding, and their adaptation takes an incredible amount of work, and so it may well seem that all my attention is taken up by the new brother, which I know will cause jealousy. But I hope to head off resentment by preparing them for this ahead of time and involving them in the process as much as possible.

You see how I think about this a lot, and treat it like it's really happening , and not a completely remote hypothetical? Sad or crazy, I don't know which.

[4devochki]

Can you believe it? My DH now says maybe in a year if things quiet down...I'm going to keep us on track!

But the hard thing is now he says he would strongly prefer that we go the donor egg IVF route, and doesn't even want to consider adoption. I'm now wondering if I have been so strongly set on this because of the adoption angle...time to readjust and see if my heart is still in it as much.

[gallons of milk]

Dreamingpink I think this is really smart to think through now beforehand. I talk about this with our girls as they know I'm interested in adoption and it comes up when we are doing various charity projects for orphans. I tell them that in any family, parents want to add more children not because they don't love the children they have, but because they love them so much that they want to add more. And we talk about having a brother, because a change would be a nice addition, and because they love boys they know, not because girls are not good enough, or not enough. It seems to satisfy them. When the younger ones were still four, one did ask me something to the effect of "what if I'm naughty and he's not and you love him more?," at which point i gave her plenty of reassurance that i still love her very much when she's naughty, and that all children are sometimes.

Thinking through the adoption, though, I know the question does not end there. Bringing an adopted child into your family is incredibly demanding, and their adaptation takes an incredible amount of work, and so it may well seem that all my attention is taken up by the new brother, which I know will cause jealousy. But I hope to head off resentment by preparing them for this ahead of time and involving them in the process as much as possible.

You see how I think about this a lot, and treat it like it's really happening , and not a completely remote hypothetical? Sad or crazy, I don't know which.

We are just about to apply to adopt, and I have had many of the worries you've mentioned. I don't think I would love an adopted daughter more than my sons, but I would be really relieved and happy that she would complete my family and I think for her, being the only girl in the family would help her feel she has a role and a vital place as she grows up. I also think I would feel the need to protect her from their crazy rough and tumble and the noise. Though I have heard that people who have biological children and then adopt sometimes get very protective of the bio children and tend to blame the adopted one for any arguments, etc. I think you have to be very careful to treat them all fairly and make sure they are as informed as they can be each step of the way. I think having a decent age gap is quite important too, because then the older ones can see the LO as not so much of a rival, and everyone can cherish the baby. Well, this is what I tell myself when I start to worry about how complicated it is bringing an adopted child home. Before I started reading about it I had no idea of the complexities, but I think it will be really tough. But if it works, it will be worth it!

[my5girls]

I had 5 girls in a row. Finally our 6th was a boy!! My husband was on board every time I decided to try again. I wanted a son more then he did. He was fine with having all daughters. But when I found out about swaying he took supplements and did whatever he needed to do. He knew how important it was to me. I'm so happy he was on board. He is truly a great husband! Good luck!