HELP! Abstain or FR? Want some thoughts ladies :)

[black&gold]

So our sway attempt is in about 4 weeks. I think I know mostly what I'm doing.. hopefully.. However, I'm still lost on the decision on FR or Abstain. Here are the details!

I'm 25, my husband is 31. We've had two boys and both times BD at least 4-5 times during O time - hence the 2 beautiful boys we have :) This time we are going for one attempt a couple days before O as the last two times we always BD right through (why not try the opposite, right?)

Well, with the 2 previous babies my husband has had *some* trouble with the FR of 5 or more times in a row. He'd say he just felt so empty and we'd have to stop and try again a couple hours later etc. to finally make it happen. This usually was only the case on the last day or two of trying, but with FR needing to be 7-10 days long I worry. I'm a little worried about doing 7-10 days of FR and then him on day 6 not being able to perform or something and messing things up. He never "helps himself out" ever so that's not an option. My concern with abstain is that he's 31.. which I guess in my eyes is close to 35 where there could potentially be problem with the sperm. Should I worry?!?!

I need help because we can't decide! We're willing to try FR and work on it as long as we need to (especially since he's the reason why we are swaying for a girl!) but if abstain is still super safe at his age and with me being definitely young enough then that might be the safer option. AHHH! What to do! Help!!

Thanks ladies, you are all so fabulous xx

[LacePrincess]

Your DH is still young enough to abstain if he has trouble with FR. There's a world of difference between 31 and 35.

This is assuming no other risk factors on his side like smoking, regular/excessive drinking, exposure to chemicals/radiation, that sort of thing.

If you do choose to abstain then keep it to one attempt but NO cutoff. Your odds of pregnancy with more than O-2 are vanishingly low. So you should try abstain for 7-10 days, then one attempt at +OPK which should put your BD attempt at around O-1.

[black&gold]

Thanks LacePrincess!
Is one better than the other?! He's pretty confident he'd be fine with FR, I just worry that there is pressure to perform daily which doesn't help so I wouldn't want to mess up as we are hoping to conceive ASAP. He has no other risk factors like you mentioned. My cycles have always been very regular, 28 days always but of course the last two months have been so different so I was going to rely on my +OPK for the attempt.

But what is the difference, why do people chose one over the other? Is it simple just what DH can handle - lots of action or no action?

Thanks :)

[nestof3]

This is my personal opinion - abstain. We did frequent BD with ds1 & ds2. Abstained with #3 and its a girl. I also believe in licorice root for DH.

[Tiggerian]

I must admit I'm not sure how much it really matters - My DD was conceived with sex once in a month, DS1 was conceived with sex every day from AF stopped through O and DS2 was conceived with sex once in a month. =/ The only common denominator for me was diet! I barely ate with DD, ate loads and gained weight with both sons.

[babydust]

I think you should abstain. Your dh is young enough and I feel that it makes for a slightly better sway. But yeah, dtd once as SOON as you can once you get a + opk

[atomic sagebrush]

totally abstain in that situation.

[atomic sagebrush]

Thanks LacePrincess!
Is one better than the other?! He's pretty confident he'd be fine with FR, I just worry that there is pressure to perform daily which doesn't help so I wouldn't want to mess up as we are hoping to conceive ASAP. He has no other risk factors like you mentioned. My cycles have always been very regular, 28 days always but of course the last two months have been so different so I was going to rely on my +OPK for the attempt.

But what is the difference, why do people chose one over the other? Is it simple just what DH can handle - lots of action or no action?

Thanks :)

abstain is safer for younger men but other than that, it's partly what DH can handle, and also FR allows you to add additional attempts more easily than abstain does, which is good for people who need to get pg quickly due to work obligations, if they're on Clomid, don't have much weight to spare, and similar reasons.

[LacePrincess]

abstain is safer for older men but other than that, it's partly what DH can handle, and also FR allows you to add additional attempts more easily than abstain does, which is good for people who need to get pg quickly due to work obligations, if they're on Clomid, don't have much weight to spare, and similar reasons.

Just wanted to clarify, I'm pretty sure Atomic means abstaining is safer for YOUNGER men. We don't want guys over 35 abstaining. :)

[black&gold]

Thanks ladies!!! I think abstain is the best bet for us. I wouldn't want to risk it and him not be able to before 2 days before O.. then I'd be so frustrated!!

[atomic sagebrush]

Just wanted to clarify, I'm pretty sure Atomic means abstaining is safer for YOUNGER men. We don't want guys over 35 abstaining. :)

yes, sorry i wasn't feeling very well yesterday.:hair:

abstain is safe for younger men, not older men.

[XXPlease]

May I ask why its only safer for younger men my husband is 36 and I honestly don't FR will work? But I would like to know what kind of risk we might be facing if were to abstain.

[LacePrincess]

May I ask why its only safer for younger men my husband is 36 and I honestly don't FR will work? But I would like to know what kind of risk we might be facing if were to abstain.

Because in older men it's more likely that the sperm might have dna or chromosome defects. When abstaining the numbers of dead and damaged sperm are quite a bit higher. I don't have a link to the study but yes, there's a link between abstaining and higher risk of birth defects in older guys.

So that's why we recommend here not to abstain if your guy is over 35. It's an arbitrary cutoff, but only you can decide if it's worth the risk.

[Atsaukina1]

my sil has downs
mom was in 20's while dad was much older in late 30's. of course we don't know what causes it but if there is a chance from abstaining for men over 35 and my guy is 35 I stayed far away from abstain-

[atomic sagebrush]

May I ask why its only safer for younger men my husband is 36 and I honestly don't FR will work? But I would like to know what kind of risk we might be facing if were to abstain.
http://genderdreaming.com/forum/trying-conceive-girl/8801-articles-studies-about-why-abstain-not-good-males-over-35-a.html

[atomic sagebrush]

my sil has downs
mom was in 20's while dad was much older in late 30's. of course we don't know what causes it but if there is a chance from abstaining for men over 35 and my guy is 35 I stayed far away from abstain-

Downs syndrome can happen at any age, but it's more likely when the mother is over 35.

Older dads are linked to a host of other problems which I discuss in my link above. I just think it's safer. Not everyone agrees that it's worthy of concern, but I'd rather you guys are fully informed and can make your own decisions.

[mariposa]

So our sway attempt is in about 4 weeks. I think I know mostly what I'm doing.. hopefully.. However, I'm still lost on the decision on FR or Abstain. Here are the details!

I'm 25, my husband is 31. We've had two boys and both times BD at least 4-5 times during O time - hence the 2 beautiful boys we have :) This time we are going for one attempt a couple days before O as the last two times we always BD right through (why not try the opposite, right?)

Well, with the 2 previous babies my husband has had *some* trouble with the FR of 5 or more times in a row. He'd say he just felt so empty and we'd have to stop and try again a couple hours later etc. to finally make it happen. This usually was only the case on the last day or two of trying, but with FR needing to be 7-10 days long I worry. I'm a little worried about doing 7-10 days of FR and then him on day 6 not being able to perform or something and messing things up. He never "helps himself out" ever so that's not an option. My concern with abstain is that he's 31.. which I guess in my eyes is close to 35 where there could potentially be problem with the sperm. Should I worry?!?!

I need help because we can't decide! We're willing to try FR and work on it as long as we need to (especially since he's the reason why we are swaying for a girl!) but if abstain is still super safe at his age and with me being definitely young enough then that might be the safer option. AHHH! What to do! Help!!

Thanks ladies, you are all so fabulous xx

I have a similar problem, but my DH is 34 :worry: I have changed my plan about abstinence , FR and hurry up a lot of times... and I finally understood that if FR gives me low sperm count, why should I want the risk of an abstinence? And told him about doing FR, he was EXCITED but I KNOW he is not going to do it every day, 2 or 3 times...., he will start , it will be funny, but along with the days maybe he will be tired, or just won´t be able to finish 2 or 3 times a day, so I´ll lose everything gained around sperm count... Overmore I plan to give him soy milk which he never has taken so it lowers T levels in men and rises estrogens (since I have read in many places) and it could difficoult even more the 2-3 releases daily.

My DH is used to release with a pattern like this more or less: once between monday-thursday and 2-3 between friday-sunday, so more or less 3 times per week.:oops: Could be a 7 days abstinence enough to "alter" my DH typical pattern? overmore, since my doctor told me this morning about the died sperm (i wrote it in the thread about midwifes/doctors and their opinions about sways) I though if the abstinence in some way not only sways killing both genders, but specially a kind of gender in function of diet, supp, chemical, alcohol....

Any advice? Should I try a 7-9 days abstinence or force him to release with a FR altough he doesn´t want ? :rofl:

[cvd]

We did abstain! We find out what we are having in 3 weeks.
DH is 26 so of course being younger it was a first choice, but it was also a no brainer for us, we didn't even consider FR because he has a pretty low sex drive! I knew FR would be like pulling teeth and we'd both be hating it. I doubt we'd even make it past about 3-4 days trying FR. I knew he'd be okay with 7 days abstain and I could totally trust him to not do it on his own secretly or anything LOL!

[atomic sagebrush]

You don't have to DTD 2-3 times a day for FR. Straight FR is one time a day for 7-10 days.

Mariposa, I tend to think abstain can be "safer" for your sway for the very reasons you mention - people are sometimes having trouble with their DH unable to finish when it really counts, especially if you add in soy milk and licorice root. It does seem to add a level of stress that is not there with abstain. I still think FR is a sound sway tactic, but it comes down to what your husband can do and what works best for you guys as a couple.

[mariposa]

thanks atomic, what does a "a sound sway" means? like a good thing ? :oops: I don´t know if I will get a DD, but I´m learning a lot of english ;)
I´ll try abstinence, not too long, around 7-9 days in function about my ovulation date. I hope this time doesn´t mean too much risk at 34.... :fingers: