Friends' announcements make me so sad...

[gallons of milk]

This is my first post on here and unfortunately it's a bit of a rant/vent...

I have two DSs - both gorgeous, ages 8 and 5. I have wanted my little girl for the last three years, but have been too scared to get pregnant because DH and I have agreed (well, more him than me, really) that three children is our max and I do not want three boys! I love the ones I've got, but I don't want another. To cut a long story short, we are about to start the adoption process. I thought I was so happy about having finally made my decision. I am, really, but I'm just sick of all the uncertainty about whether it will go well.

Anyway, yesterday a close friend of mine told me that the baby she is carrying is a girl. She has two boys, same ages as mine, and this is likely to be her last pregnancy. New husband though, which got me joking to DH that maybe I should switch too! I managed to keep my smile on for her, acted really happy. But inside I am so sad - why can't that be me??? She is the last of ALL my friends who were boy moms. I am so sick of the text messages I have had over the last few years: 'Ultrasounds says girl' and 'Lily Rose arrived at noon' etc etc. Each one feels like a bullet. I know it's really horrible to feel this way, and even more horrible when I want to embrace this wonderful journey we are agreed is the right one for us. But it makes me doubt myself - what makes me think I wouldn't get my girl if I got pregnant? Maybe I'm making a huge mistake. But then I think that I will be that one person out of all my friends who has three boys, and I don't want to be that person (sorry, I know how horrible that sounds). And then I keep thinking of the little girl out there who I could bring into my home if I just keep my nerve and DON'T get pregnant.

I've been stuck for three years now, and during those three years so many of my friends have had girls. Just when I thought I'd found my way out of this horrid place, I feel like I've landed right back in it. Has anyone else been here?

[Wishing4Princess]

I know EXACTLY how you feel! i'm sure every woman who is on site totally understands you! so i'm in the same exact situation, except, I did hurry up and get pregnant (4wks now)..and now have strong intuition it's my 3rd boy, and i regret it BIG TIME....i know, call me crazy. but that's a feeling I have and I know I will always have that GD, until i get a lil girl.

of course DH was totally against me having a 3rd right now. and if even say a word about having GD, he'll get on my case....anyway. if you can afford it, is it possible to do HT?? or maybe adoption is better option. my dh is against adoption too. he wants children of our own, and wants a girl, but will not make an effort. he says it's not in our control.

I too get really sad when I hear about everyone's announcements. not really jealous, but i just feel sorry for myself, wish I was in their situation too some day.. you know? anyway GL to you.

[Mrs_P]

I know exactly how you feel l have been there twice - i was the only one of my friends who heard boy after two boys, everyone else got their girls and i was distraught. Now rather stupidly i have put myself back into the same position again and must admit i do really regret getting pregnant but was out of options. I looked into adoption but the process is very expensive and can take years from some countries so it seemed a bit of a non starter for us and HT was unfortunately not an option so my only chance at a girl was try really but i feel like even getting pregnant robbed me of my little hope.

How far into the process are you and which country are you adopting from?

[The Anchor]

You are not alone! Have a browse through the gender desire forum, it really helps to know that there are lots of women out there in your same boat. I hope your journey brings you the girl you so desire :)

[LacePrincess]

Nope, you're not alone. Look at me, I have 3 boys and think it'll never be my turn for pink, that I have to 'make peace' with my (pretty great but one sided) lot in life. It often requires consciously kicking myself in the pants to not let myself get down about the blessings in my life.

I know it's massively unfair to be disappointed in a child because of their gender, so I absolutely refused to try again until I was SURE I wanted another baby. And REALLY wanted it, not just paying lip service to it. I knew I was ready when I got all broody and misty-eyed at our neighbour's newborn, their third boy.

So I try not to think about it. If it's a girl, yay! But if it's a boy, we're still bound and determined to celebrate a new arrival. The nice thing is (well, not for my wallet!) all our baby stuff is plain broken/worn out/expired, so we need new everything, and we'll get to have fun buying stuff all over again. So no matter which gender we get we're going to be truly ecstatic. Besides, my little baby boys are cuter than all my friends' baby girls, so there. ;)

Honestly, I find the comments from friends/families/acquaintances harder to take then my internal GD. I really hate how some people say total crap and make you feel like you're crazypants for having more than 2 kids.

[4devochki]

Yes. All my friends are boy moms, and even close acquaintances are either boy moms or have pigeon pairs. Some are having their third kids now, and all have been adorable, delicious boys (i'm an all-girl mom, if you hadn't guessed).

If your DH has agreed to adopt, though, and (the main thing) your heart is really, really into it, then you are in an exciting place! Such a fantastic thing for the child, for your family, for the world. Domestic or international? I hope adoption doesn't feel like "second-best," though. Pardon me for prying, but have you totally ruled out high-tech conception options?

Anyway, ranting is what this place is for, because we all understand. Keep sharing.

[Mum23boys]

Ive got 2 pregnant close friends rigt now bot wit 1 boy eac - te first is having a girl due april the other finds out feb 1st but is lookng very girly in the 12 week scan pics !!! Sods law they get their perfect boy girl family and i pop out biy number 4.
Until today i really wasnt bothered but this has really upset me and its not even confirmed yet that its a girl yet i feel like i know hers will be too and they will all be smirking beind our backs and feeling smug that they got girls and we have yet another boy. I just feel like crying and up till now i was doing so well.
I really dont know wat ill do now if they have a girl confirmed in feb - i think id have to find out what ours is but if they say boy i can see my heading downhill !!!

[gallons of milk]

Ive got 2 pregnant close friends rigt now bot wit 1 boy eac - te first is having a girl due april the other finds out feb 1st but is lookng very girly in the 12 week scan pics !!! Sods law they get their perfect boy girl family and i pop out biy number 4.
Until today i really wasnt bothered but this has really upset me and its not even confirmed yet that its a girl yet i feel like i know hers will be too and they will all be smirking beind our backs and feeling smug that they got girls and we have yet another boy. I just feel like crying and up till now i was doing so well.
I really dont know wat ill do now if they have a girl confirmed in feb - i think id have to find out what ours is but if they say boy i can see my heading downhill !!!

That is tough, Mum23boys. But at the moment it's all up for grabs, no? Your friend might be having a boy and you might be having your girl. Or maybe you will have the same gender, and that might bring you closer. But I do think it is really tough seeing friends have your DG. I have found it harder when they've had boys first and gone on to have a girl second. Maybe I selfishly thought it would be nice to have someone in the same position as me. It also makes me feel so guilty for DS2 - I wouldn't wish him any different from the beautiful way he is, but I also do feel that a boy-girl family would have been what I would have wanted. So ashamed...

[gallons of milk]

Yes. All my friends are boy moms, and even close acquaintances are either boy moms or have pigeon pairs. Some are having their third kids now, and all have been adorable, delicious boys (i'm an all-girl mom, if you hadn't guessed).

If your DH has agreed to adopt, though, and (the main thing) your heart is really, really into it, then you are in an exciting place! Such a fantastic thing for the child, for your family, for the world. Domestic or international? I hope adoption doesn't feel like "second-best," though. Pardon me for prying, but have you totally ruled out high-tech conception options?

Anyway, ranting is what this place is for, because we all understand. Keep sharing.

Not prying at all... We are here to share and it is helping to know there is a place to be completely honest. DH is great, but he's completely happy with what we have, happy to have another boy, happy to adopt, so he doesn't really get the emotional side of what I've been going through. I am lucky to have such a relaxed husband, but sometimes I wish he had more of an opinion! Well, I really DID think that my heart was in adoption, and I think it is in terms of the end result, but the adoption process in the UK is gruelling and that makes me feel like we're in for an awful journey to get where we want to be. Also my reaction to my friend did confuse me and made me think maybe I am making the wrong decision. I think the honest truth is that if I could be guaranteed a successful pregnancy and a girl I would go with that over adoption, but since both those things can't be guaranteed through HT or a sway I don't feel I can do either. Also, if we went HT we would have to take out a huge loan, and if it didn't work we wouldn't be able to go again, but the adoption door would close because they look really closely at your finances. So I'd be stuck with a sway as my only option, and I just can't bring myself to do it. The only opinion DH does have is that three is the max, so I only have one more chance! I do truly believe that the little girl does not have to be my flesh and blood to be mine and for me, and all of us, to love her. I just have to trust that social workers will believe in us and match us with the right child.

[peonymama]

Are you allowed to choose the sex of the baby you're adopting in the UK? Usually they do not allow that here.

[begonia]

GOM I just wanted to say I identify with you ... you're definitely not alone :hugs: Best wishes making a decision.

[gallons of milk]

Are you allowed to choose the sex of the baby you're adopting in the UK? Usually they do not allow that here.

Yes, you can. They even encourage you too. We had a meeting with a social worker who said, 'I'll just tick the girl box now shall I?' as soon as she heard we had two sons. But you can't generally get babies here. Babies, even those that are relinquished, have to go to foster care before they are placed with adoptive families and until the court orders are made. That generally takes at least a year, so most little ones available for adoption are over 1, and often come with lots of issues. Are you in the US?

I did hear that the rules are going to change here, so that babies can be fostered first by the people who want to adopt them, but the problem with that is that sometimes the birth parents get their act together and win back the baby before the adoption order is made. Really don't think I could cope with that, and neither could my boys.

[menlc611]

I know exactly how you feel. I had 2 boys and was pregnant with my 3rd. A "friend" of mine (who seemed to have the perfect life) was pregnant with her first and from the begining made it VERY clear she would only be happy with a girl. It really bothered me that she talked so openly about her feelings for not wanting a boy, and even at her gender reveal party looked at me and said "I don't know what I'm going to do if it's a boy"... Well, of course it was a girl and I left the party almost in tears. Why not me?! Why does someone who is so greedy get what she wants?! (and what I want!) We have since stopped talking. Not only did our friendship grow apart, but she made it a point to rub it in that she was having a girl. (Constantly sending me pictures of the baby's closet, carseat, bedding, etc.) I pray things work out for you!!

[wildwooddays]

Well remember, when you adopt that child is going to be yours too. Just born from the heart instead of the belly :) So that will be you someday announcing your daughter.
But I know how you feel, they always hurt me too. A friend of mine has two boys also and is pg and I just KNOW she is gonna have a girl while I have a third boy. I'm dreading that announcement.

[Mum23boys]

Girls i have 2 close pregnant friends right now both with 1 boy each and 1 has had her scan already and guess what its a girl - the other friend is due to find out on feb 1st and i can already guess its going to be a girl.....me Im sure Im on my 4th boy :-(

[gallons of milk]

Well remember, when you adopt that child is going to be yours too. Just born from the heart instead of the belly :) So that will be you someday announcing your daughter.
But I know how you feel, they always hurt me too. A friend of mine has two boys also and is pg and I just KNOW she is gonna have a girl while I have a third boy. I'm dreading that announcement.

Thank you wildwooddays, that's the loveliest thing anyone has ever said to me about adoption. I have been having some doubts about it, not because I don't think we could make it work but because of what we have to go through to get there. I keep plan B (HT, a sway?) up my sleeve just in case, which I guess is why I'm still on these boards, trying to figure things out and wondering what we will do if our adoption plans don't work. I think people often see adoption as the second best option, so what a lovely thought that one day I will be able to announce the arrival of the child of my heart.

[gallons of milk]

Well, at least I know it isn't just me who has these horrid jealous feelings. I suppose part of the journey is learning to deal with your own negative emotions. And what is with the insensitivity of all these people? Menlc611, it sounds like you are better off without this 'friend' in your life. She sounds horrible. I have to say, none of my friends have rubbed it in like that - not the true ones anyway. And because of that I have always managed to maintain my outward happiness for them. I am sad for myself and their happiness reminds me of what I don't have, but they don't deserve to have my negativity put on them.
By the way, what is a gender reveal party? This is not something we do in the UK. Is it like a baby shower? We don't do those either!