Boys boys boys...

[mummypink]

I'm surrounded by boxes of boys clothes, I've been having a big sort out trying to dig out all my boys old newborn stuff so I can see what I have and what I need and try and get a bit more organised.

I had a few boxes of girls stuff that a friend gave me a while ago as she knew we planned to have another baby. Broke my heart looking through it all, I've given most of it to a charity shop and kept about half a carrier bag of things just because I couldn't bare to part with it.

I am actually getting excited about meeting my new little man, seeing what he looks like, what his personality will be like etc. But I can't get over this sadness that I will probably never have a daughter. :(

I keep trying to cheer myself up by thinking we can always try again for just one more, but I suppose I am so astonished to find myself being the mum to 3 boys - that I can't believe it would be possible to have a girl next time. I know that is rubbish but in my family and in my hubbies family there has always been a mixture of boys and girls. It feels like it is only me that can't make girls and I feel like a complete failure. Why don't I get lucky enough to experience a mother daughter relationship?

I'm sick of peoples comments 'another boy?!', 'oh what a shame I bet you were hoping for a girl' and the stereotype of being a 'boy mum'. A friend told me that it's lucky as I'm not a girly girl - wtf?! I'm more of a girly girl then she is and she has just had a daughter and now keeps on saying how glad she is and how two boys would have been too much for her to handle. I just feel like punching her.

Sorry, just needed to rant and at least I know I won't be judged here.

I feel like I'm going crazy, feeling excited about my baby boy one minute to hoping and praying that by some miracle they have made a mistake and it is actually a girl the next minute.

Why can't I just get over it and be happy and content that I am lucky enough to be expecting my third child?
I'm scared I'm always going to have this empty/sad feeling of never having a daughter. :( xx

[Thorz300]

I'm so so so sorry!i know your pain! I am a mom of 3 beautiful boys! And finally trying four our 4th and final baby, praying for a girl but I'm more likely to have a boy so I'm trying to be ok with that. Some days I really think I have gotten there. Other days I think I will be shattered if I can't have a daughter! You are right I know it sounds dumb but one of the things I fear most is the dumb comments from others! If you find a good way to handle those comments. Please let me know!! I'll tell you what though, I bawled like a baby when I found out my 3rd was a boy.....he melts my heart everyday now! Good luck! It's a exciting time!

[Violet_]

I totally understand. I've been getting the comments for years. I'm so over it! I have to admit that I take the rude approach. They are rude to me, I'm rude straight back to them, then they look at me and say, oh I'm sorry, did I offend you? I'm like, yes you did. They are like, oh I'm sorry I didn't mean to. And I say, well have a think about what it feels like from my end. How else am I meant to take your comment? I'm not one to take it and stew about it. I have to deal with their comments and my best means is to treat an attack with a counter attack. Otherwise people have no idea how their comments are effecting other people and I end up becoming miserable. When I've fought back, I feel better. That's just me.

For example. Someone says to me, another boy, oh what a shame. I say, yes, what a 'terrible disappointment' he'll be. With such exaggeration in my voice, they look up and study my face for a minute and try to work out if I'm serious or not and I just stare right back at them with a 'well that's what you are implying isn't it' type of expression. And they realize what an insensitive comment they have made. I'd rather them walk away from the conversation feeling slighted and shaking their head then me going home crying over their issues. It works for me.

In fact, I've become such a fighter over the topic that a little girl at the kid's school playground wanted to know why I was so sick when I was there with my boys the other day, she must have been about 6-7 years. DS2 pipes up, she's pregnant. Then the little girl goes on to tell me how she will have a girl when she grows up and I say to her, well that's what I wanted too when I was a little girl and for the past 20 or so years and I've got three boys so you might not get a girl either. How mean am I? She insists she will have a girl, then a boy. And I say to her. Oh if we could all be so lucky. We don't get to choose what we get honey. You'll see for yourself. You get whatever you're given. It's a simple as that. But if you want to keep on dreaming of your perfect family then you can do that. Well the bell rang and she ran off looking a little confused. Maybe I'm becoming a little bitter and hardened after years of it?

[soverysad]

I felt your pain. I would still love a girl but if i had another boy like my 3rd i would feel complete. Its so true there is a special bond with the gd baby. I promise that the amount you will adore you new little man will overwhelm you. I wasnt lucky enough to bond staight away it took months of sobbing for me:-(( . fingers crossed you bond as soon as he is in your arms. if not you will and we are all here for you xxx

[Wishing4Princess]

Mummypink, I promise you are not alone!! I fell pregnant 5 wks ago ..but sadly miscarried this week. I am having a guilty feeling b/c I had major regrets about this last pregnancy, ONLY because my gut was telling me that it was another boy. and now that I am not pregnant anymore I am having regrets about my regrets?! if that even makes sense!

I know that any child of any gender is a blessing, but it even if i have another child and it's a boy, I will never feel complete because I have a strong desire for a girl and I feel that I will never have that baby girl...and the thought of going back on the girl diet is so overwhelming!! It's just driving me crazy to see women around me w/ baby girls and boys...yet I still feel empty. the comments hurt the most b/c we know how much we want a girl, and we've done everything that we can, but somehow it just isn't in our fate to have one!...I am still trying to figure out why I miscarried. could it have been that it was a girl , but a girl won't sticky for me, b/c i'm such a boy mom?? my body chemistry just won't accept girls?! IDK..i have 3 bros myself and no sisters. my Dh has 5 bros, 1 sis. so really what are the chances of me having a girl?

[Violet_]

W4P, that's almost exactly how I felt when I had an early miscarriage in Oct 12. I felt it was a boy when I was pregnant and felt regret that I was having a boy, then I miscarried and thought my negative thought made me miscarriage. It was probably a girl and I can't carry girls.

I feel that this baby is a boy and that's why I can carry it. Maybe I'm meant to be punished because of how much I've always wanted a girl. I think all these sorts of things and emotions that us boy mums go through make us more sensitive about it all because we do care so much.

And people say such stupid, flipant remarks that we are just meant to brush off? Hardly. It cuts much deeper then they realize. Like pouring vinegar in an open wound.

[mummypink]

Thanks lovely ladies, it is so nice to know that I'm not a total weirdo for feeling the way I do, although I wish none of you were having to go through the same thing.

Violet - I think I may have to start taking a more direct approach with peoples comments too and stop worrying about upsetting people. Maybe if we were taught as part of sex ed that you may get all boys, or all girls or a mixture of the two and you didn't have any say in it the blow may be softened when we get older? I think as pretty much everyone in my family has had a boy and then a girl I always assumed I would have one of each. Even when I got married and children was something we were talking about I figured as we planned to have three at least one would be a girl surely?!

Wishing - I'm so sorry to hear about your miscarriage, please remember that it wasn't your fault though and from what I understand the chances of you losing the baby because it was a girl are very very small.

I go from dreaming that I'm having a scan an being told it is actually a girl to dreaming that there is a problem with a baby or that I can't feel him moving. Which of course results in my waking up feeling horrible and guilty for feeling like this about the gender when of course the number one priority is a healthy baby.

Big hugs to all of you, I'm so lucky to have you all for support. It means a huge amount, thank you. xxx

[juffertje2]

I'm surrounded by boxes of boys clothes, I've been having a big sort out trying to dig out all my boys old newborn stuff so I can see what I have and what I need and try and get a bit more organised.

I had a few boxes of girls stuff that a friend gave me a while ago as she knew we planned to have another baby. Broke my heart looking through it all, I've given most of it to a charity shop and kept about half a carrier bag of things just because I couldn't bare to part with it.

I am actually getting excited about meeting my new little man, seeing what he looks like, what his personality will be like etc. But I can't get over this sadness that I will probably never have a daughter. :(

I keep trying to cheer myself up by thinking we can always try again for just one more, but I suppose I am so astonished to find myself being the mum to 3 boys - that I can't believe it would be possible to have a girl next time. I know that is rubbish but in my family and in my hubbies family there has always been a mixture of boys and girls. It feels like it is only me that can't make girls and I feel like a complete failure. Why don't I get lucky enough to experience a mother daughter relationship?

I'm sick of peoples comments 'another boy?!', 'oh what a shame I bet you were hoping for a girl' and the stereotype of being a 'boy mum'. A friend told me that it's lucky as I'm not a girly girl - wtf?! I'm more of a girly girl then she is and she has just had a daughter and now keeps on saying how glad she is and how two boys would have been too much for her to handle. I just feel like punching her.

Sorry, just needed to rant and at least I know I won't be judged here.

I feel like I'm going crazy, feeling excited about my baby boy one minute to hoping and praying that by some miracle they have made a mistake and it is actually a girl the next minute.

Why can't I just get over it and be happy and content that I am lucky enough to be expecting my third child?
I'm scared I'm always going to have this empty/sad feeling of never having a daughter. :( xx

Been there! And believe me, it's not getting better! Your last words, their mine. I'm scared that this is my life and it will never ever get better. That I always will have these feelings, until I'm old an dieing. Never ever get to enjoy life to the full.
I'm disappointed in what life has brought me so far.....

[coocoobananas]

Mummypink, I could have written those exact words... Like everything! I have boy/girl throughout my famil, both sides including a very irresponsible sil who has 7, going back and forth for each gender each pregnancy... Except one time... I mean wth?!? The last few days and especially with the recent shooting, I am feeling better about things more consistently but I do worry about that forever sad feeling... But I can't be here like this again with #4 so I can't allow that to be an option. I hope our new little boys fulfill us in ways we never dreamed and it will be enough!

[mummypink]

Hugs juffertje2 and coocoo. xxxxx

[BusyHappyMum]

I wanted to respond to this post mainly with the experience im having at the minute... I am a mum to 2 boys and 11 days ago i had a baby girl, I found out at 20 weeks and was over the moon and indulged in pink but when she was born i didn't get that 'high' I expected and now here i am exhausted and looking at her she's just another baby another child to raise and a LOT of extra hard work! Don't get me wrong I love her more than words but just didn't have that crazy unreal feeling of having a girl... I dreamt from no age of this perfect moment with a perfect daughter etc I also worried about peoples comments had i had another boy but again i'm yesterday's news.. It's just not all that! I wish you all well xx

[mummypink]

Hi BusyHappyMum, congrats on your daughter.
I'm afraid I don't think you understand the comments or the sadness you feel unless you have actually had 3 boys with no prospect of having a daughter on the horizon. I'm sure if I had a little girl that the first few months and probably first year or so would be very similar to having my boys other than the colour of the clothes and some of the toys. That isn't really the part I feel so sad about or my reason for longing for a daughter.
My desire for a daughter is more about having that special mother and daughter bond as she grows up, having someone to share girly things with that my boys already aren't really interested in. Having someone to pass my jewellery and wedding dress onto, and just generally having the close female relationship that I enjoy with my own mother.
I even considered adopting but it isn't so easy over here, plus I know in my heart of hearts it isn't just about having a girl. It is about having my own daughter, seeing what personality traits we share, what she looks like etc etc.

I know none of that is a guarantee even if I had a daughter, but it would be nice at least to have a chance to find out.

I love my boys to pieces and don't take for granted how lucky I am to have them, but there will always be a hole in my life that I thought a daughter would one day fill. x

[minimatron]

I feel the same way as all of you, except I have the opposite gender. I dontt think we can win. I get strangers in the shops stopping me to show off their pigeon pair and demand I go back for a boy. How dare they. Yes I would love a boy.., but what can I do? You don't get to choose. Is it more important to have a penis? Or a vagina than to have a healthy baby. It hurts all these comments.. from strangers... From friends.. from family. Now I'm pg with #4 I'm terrified of how things will pan out. I don't want to feel miserable for being given the gift of life...

[mummypink]

Hugs minimatron, congratulations on your pregnancy. Sending you all my blue dust, I hope you get your little boy to complete your family. xxx

[minimatron]

Thanks mummypink... Enjoy your little man. With dd3 I was a mess and unfortunately for her first year of life all I could thof was trying again for a boy. I didn't really really take her in, but now she's 2and she is so so special. I feel guilty for a lot of the things I would think about when she was a baby. I live her to pieces. She's so different to my other girls.