I'm a crazypants! [Archive] - Gender Dreaming Forums

LacePrincess

December 13th, 2012, 10:58 AM

I thought I'd start a new thread regarding struggling with anxiety, depression, bipolar, or any other mental disorder. The subject line isn't meant to be insulting - I'm trying to keep a sense of humor about this whole thing, it's the only thing that keeps my head afloat sometimes.

As I've posted on other threads, I've been struggling with sliding back into my anxiety issues the last few months. I do think it was, in part, triggered by the LE diet (too many simple sugars and crashing blood sugars) but I don't think it's entirely to blame. It's just one factor.

A brief history: I have been officially diagnosed with GAD and MDD since I was 22 when I had to be hospitalized for a major depressive episode. It was my third major depression at that point since I was 19 or so. My anxiety issues goes back into childhood, and I'm definitely OCD as well. I had no idea that my thought patterns weren't normal until I was officially diagnosed, it's all I knew so I have no experience with anything different. My psych believes my OCD/anxiety probably started very early on at the age of around 7. I also believe strongly that my OCD/anxiety were triggered by strep infection.

I wasn't depressive until after high school. After being diagnosed I tried many meds, everything from the benzos (Xanax) to pretty much every SSRI out there. Paxil clicked for me the best so I went on Paxil for a couple of years.

DH and I decided to start TTC at the age of 24. I decided to get off Paxil as it is contraindicated in pregnancy. That was, HELL. They say it's harder to get off Paxil than heroin, and yeah, I can believe that. I had insomnia, night terrors, hallucinations, brain zaps, for months. Gaaaaaaaah.

The first pregnancy was ok until the third tri, and I started to get depressive and very fast. I got onto Zoloft but it was too late to stop the slide. I had horrific PPD after the birth, so bad that I pretty much lost the first two months of DS1's life to it. :(

DS2 and DS3 I went on Zoloft prophylactically in the third tri and I was fine. Bf'ed both for years and was as normal as I've ever been.

And now, I'm starting to lose it again, and have been since starting to sway. I restarted Zoloft a few months ago, but it's doing some really weird shit to my brain. My OCD compulsions have reduced somewhat, but I was SO NOT DEPRESSED when I saw my psych last month (Nov 15) and he restarted me on a higher dose of Zoloft at 50mg. It's been a month and I'm getting some seriously WTF things going on in the past week or two.

REALLY wtf things. Like horrid intrusive thoughts, crushing depression, and worse of all I'm cycling. I don't know if anyone has heard of this, but cycling refers to your moods going up and down and up and down. From mania to depression and back. And it's rapid cycling too, I can feel it change constantly over the course of the day. I also believe I'm experiencing what they call a 'mixed state', when you're simultaneously depressed and a little manic at the same time.

This is very weird as I'm not bipolar (at least I don't think so) and my research tells me that overwhelming anxiety and intrusive thoughts is a form of mania. I also get weird moments of brief relief and euphoria, only to feel the depression return within hours. And oh joy, panic attacks. None of this is something that I've experienced before so I'm pretty sure it's med induced.

Ack, so yeah, I kinda just wanted to rant a bit I guess, lol. And to see if anyone else has gone through this stuff before, misery loves company and all. I'm just really ticked off that this is happening around Christmas.

So, anyone else a crazypants out there? :)

atomic sagebrush

December 13th, 2012, 11:29 AM

I"m sorry! I hope things are better soon. I know that many people deal with these issues in silence and you're very courageous to be so open about it. (((hugs)))

nuthinbutpink

December 13th, 2012, 11:37 AM

I too am glad you can talk about it. The holidays are stressful for me.

Have you backed off the LE diet and started taking a healthier approach?

Tiggerian

December 13th, 2012, 11:45 AM

Yeah, I can join that club!

I had a really rough childhood and subsequently suffered a lot with anxiety, depressions and insecurities. When I was 16 I lost my DD and it just all went to hell then!

For about 5 years I didn't sleep and when I did I had nightmares and cried a lot. Went through life as a zombie and my doctor rejected any notions of getting me some form of help! My parents and Doctor had agreed that when my DD died I was so young, could have more kids, no need to bring more attention to what was essentially 'just a clump of diseased cells' and hence no help for me. She's young, she'll bounce back. Except, I didn't. A lifetime of emotional neglect from my parents doesn't exactly give you the best foundation for 'bouncing back'.

As you can imagine I don't have the best relationship with my parents today. In fact, I don't have one full stop!

After DS1 was born I slipped into deep, dark PPD. It was so bad I nearly gave up and put DS1 in foster care. My OH finally stepped in (keep in mind how young we were - 20 and 22 at the time) after the decline suddenly happened very rapidly. The Doctor still refused me help as he didn't want to "stigmatise" me or give me "an excuse" not to work. So my OH moved me to England (where he's from and where we live now), where I immediately got the help I needed. I got weekly therapy sessions and medication and within months I was back to being myself again. In fact, better than myself - I felt happy for the first time I could remember. I remember saying to my OH that I never knew 'this person' was inside of me all along. The sadness, bleakness and despair of my life had just become so ingrained that I thought 'well, thats just who I am.." - I didn't know pain didn't have to be part of your life and that it wasn't normal!

But during my PPD I wasn't a very good mum... I just couldn't cope. I was afraid to touch him in case he got hurt. Whenever he got sick I would distance myself thinking "thats it, I've lost another one". I just couldn't let go of my fear of him dying like my DD. I didn't bond with him very well - I loved him to bits, but I was too afraid to get attached.

I lost the first 6 months of DS1 life. I can hardly remember them. All I remember is this cloud - me sitting looking at my screaming son, KNOWING i had to pick him up, but couldn't do it. It was horrible and the guilt still follows me. But I keep telling myself I am a good mum - I wasn't, but only because I was very ill.

After getting the help got better very quickly and when DS1 was 18 months I fell pregnant again. When I was 10 weeks pregnant with DS2 I started bleeding - having suffered 1 late miscarriage (DD) and 3 early ones previously while trying to have the boys I immediately panicked. When I got to the hospital the first thing the Doctor did was to threw in remarks that my medication was to blame and if I didn't stop my baby would 'die'. There it was again.. Another baby was gonna die. It threw me straight into depression again. I couldn't bond with him, what was the point? My baby was gonna die anyway... again!

My OH begged the doctor for help - but they wanted to 'see how it went'. I really felt like some sort of medical/social experiment. That my family was an experiment! Here I was, a young mum with a dreadful medical history (in my own opinion), with a young son to care for and NO ONE would help me! My midwife didn't know what she was doing, never asked how I was and constantly bungled my paperwork and tests. ( I have the deepest respect for midwives, I want to traina s one myself - but this one really did NOT know or like her job!).

When DS2 was born I got my medication back and more thorough therapy, and thankfully I have had no depression or symptoms of it for the last year and a half. But I am very nervous of getting pregnant again - I hope I'll be able to avoid it this time (might have to ban the word DIE and DEATH around me).

I do have a major phobia of everything about death. If we talk about death in class my heart starts beating really fast, I can't breath and I get dizzy and nauseas. Think I'll probably always have a fear of dying or people I love dying. But for the most part I'm Ok in my every day life.

auroara78

December 13th, 2012, 11:51 AM

This something I don't like to discuss much, but yeah, I battle anxiety a lot. And it comes and goes in peaks of months. Like I've a few relatively easy months of no strange thought patterns, etc, and a few months where I'm really glum overall and can't seem to lift the mood and of course those months I am more prone to panic attacks, which makes me feel helpless, so the cycle continues.

I have never tried prescription meds for mine. Typically for me being really busy and consumed by something I really enjoy gives me a confidence boost enough that I can face my fears and not feel so paniciky. (my panic attacks / anxiety are usually based on what I *think* people are thinking about me! Most of mine issues are only around social instances. LIke if my library is super packed and the students are being loud and noisy (I work in a tiny career college library, I'm the only librarian) I'll get a tight throat and feelings of dizziness, like I'm going to black out. I have to remind myself that I'm in charge and tell the students to quietly shush. I know my anxiety came from being picked on as a kid--I had a pretty bad speech problem, and I was constantly bullied about it.

I also have a little bit of the "oh it couldn't work for me, or I can't do that" attitude or I used to...I'm really working thru it, and that was one of my fears of doing my sway was that if my sway "failed" it would push me further into that negative train of thoughts.

And speaking of sways.....probably because of all the emotions I had riding on it, I had huge bouts of anxiety the month before the actual sway. I think it was the lowering of the testerotone for me, because the testerontone I might have had made me less sensitive to people, and lowering it, made me feel down in the dumps like I do during PMS. I also had to be very careful on the diet, because cutting out too much stuff made me feel very dizzy and sick, and I couldn't function well without breakfast, so I kept eating breakfast, just not oatmeal.

How this helps :) It also helped me to realize that even if it's not anxiety etc, we are all struggling with some issue every single day.

LacePrincess

December 13th, 2012, 11:59 AM

Thanks so much, Atomic and NBP. :) I have to talk somewhere or I'll explode, and I'm not a member of any mental disorders forums right now so I thought I'd just whine here, lol. I've at least done this and been through enough cycles of crap that I can separate *me* from the illness. I realize it's horrid, yet too common, and I don't feel brave or anything talking about it, I just need to whine somewhere!

My mom doesn't get it (she tells me to pray a lot when I'm in brain hell - yeah thanks mom) and I already talked my ear off my MIL.

NBP, I'm still limping along on the LE diet but I've let up a LOT since September. I haven't really thought about how long but I think if I don't get my BFP by the 4th cycle with a good ovulation I'll back off it entirely. I've only just had one really balanced cycle since weaning so I'd like to give it 3 more before pulling off the LE diet more.

I just needed somewhere to talk and get this garbage out of my head, because honestly I'm scaring myself sometimes and the last thing you need in this stuff is to feel alone. So here I am!

It's this weird-o bipolar cycling that's totally got me on my heels. I don't get it, I've never had this before and I also don't like this weird cold rage I've been experiencing. I know that it's got to be med induced but I can't just stop taking it until I see my psych next week. Thank goodness for my family, whenever I feel really lost I look at them and know I can't do anything stupid for their sakes.

Yeah, I'm trying to keep a sense of humor about this sh!t, because if you don't laugh you'll cry, right? ;)

Tigger and Auroara, thanks SO much for sharing your story, I haven't read it yet but I'm off to read your posts now!

hotdogz&boyz

December 13th, 2012, 12:13 PM

I am so sorry you are dealing with all of this...especially over Christmas, that does make it worse. I can join the thread, for sure. Although my issues are primarily OCD which stems into depression (from untreated anxiety) and anorexia. I am no longer an active anorexic, I went into recovery six years ago after six years of hospitalization. But I have seen, time and again, during my hospitalizations, people who suffered MDD and forms of bipolar. And it can be so hard once that cycle starts to break it.

I am exactly like you, medication-wise. Paxil is my saving grace...Zoloft does barely anything but take the edge off. My obsessions are still in high amounts, and I am very preoccupied with keeping them nom-food related, since that would have drastic side effects. I concentrate on other obsessions to stave off the dangerous ones. But it does mean my brain is often in overdrive and I can see how, if I were inclined toward mania, that could happen. Your brain is never getting a break.

Thankfully, I did not choose to do the LE diet for any length of time (anorexia based decision, mostly) and I did not have to deal with the effects of that on my brain. But I can remember now depressed I was when I was active in my eating disorder and even a piece of that depression would be too much for me right now.

Personal question: Do you see a counselor (not a psych) on a regular basis? I find that to be sooooo incredibly helpful. In fact, I have been off my meds for the past 15 weeks (17 weeks preggo) and she is the ONLY thing that keeps me sane during these times. I always choose to go off my meds for the first 15-20 weeks of pregnancy to try and prevent any issues in development. I will be going back on this time at 19 weeks (when I see the doc for a script). I know a lot of people are "eh" on counseling. But I have been seeing my counselor for all six of the years I have been out of the hospital (was a discharge order requirement) and she is a godsend.

It's interesting you mention strep throat as a potential trigger for your issues. There have been studies that have linked strep throat and scarlet fever to a high incident of OCD thought patterns and anorexia eating patterns (which are simply an OCD thought pattern turned that particular direction). And I had a bad bout of scarlet fever around 18 months old, my mom had no idea I had strep and it turned into scarlet fever. But I also had some childhood issues that could have swayed my existing OCD in the eating disordered direction. But it's an interesting tie between the two.

Anyway...I am sooo sorry you're dealing with this right now. I know it is hard and exhausting, especially with three little boys to take care on top of it. Its not like you can take the time out you need to clear your head for a minute. I hope you find something to help it calm down. And if it is getting worse, I would abandon most of the LE diet, keeping low blood sugar (condensing meals) and veggie. It could be a total fluke, but of the five ladies having girls in our current DDC, at least three of us were not doing the LE diet (or it was very short lived). I didn't ask two of the others, but they didn't mention having a sway. I'll check though. I found it interesting stats though. Not saying it doesn't work, at all. But, apparently, you can still have a strong sway without starving yourself and making yourself sick.

LacePrincess

December 13th, 2012, 12:17 PM

LacePrincess

December 13th, 2012, 12:30 PM

hotdogz, thank you. :) I'm probably going to have to reread your post a few times because it seems we have a lot (unfortunately) in common!

I'm super pissed that Zoloft has gone rogue on me. I've read on some med forums that yeah, Zoloft can induce rage incidents and cycling, and can trigger bipolar episodes (again I've never even had a hint of bipolar before but who knows?). I'm so not looking forward to having to experiment with meds again, that was one dark hell hole of a year that first time. But you gotta do what you gotta do I suppose.

The strep throat thing is PANDA. I only read about it in the past few years, I guess it's a new theory. I had a lot of strep as a kid - it was like an annual thing. And my parents sucked at finishing courses of abx, and they used old abx in the medicine cabinet, so it makes me wonder if the abx courses weren't finished properly and contributed. It's all water under the bridge as it's far too late now to fix in myself, but I'm glad I know about it for my kids' sake. At least from my experience I know what to look for in my kids if they ever show symptoms.

It sounds like you were very wise to not do the LE diet strictly! I have eased up a LOT. I haven't counted calories, I'm just going vegetarian and not snacking. It's actually a good thing the kids are keeping me busy as it gives me purpose in my life. I'd be very scared of how low I could get without something to hold onto. Actually I'm not even sure I can blame the LE diet (though it certainly doesn't help) as I was seeing OCD signs last year, when DH was deployed. But at the time I had no choice - I couldn't fall apart because I was the only parent. So the good thing was, I just could NOT not be strong and capable, but it doesn't mean I was ok, as I ended up with gall bladder attacks thanks to my inner stress channelling out elsewhere. :P

I have a great psych that I'm seeing again. I trust him implicitly. He's the only therapist that has ever not patronized me, and he's the one that saw me and diagnosed me originally at 22. Stroke of fate that I got to see him as the original psych who was assigned to me was going to kick me out of the hospital with no diagnosis except for being 'young and overdramatic' and a bottle of Xanax. (Moron!!!) Unfortunately our healthcare system is so strained for resources that it takes a long time to get an appt if you're not an emergency (he works in the mental health ward at one of the hospitals here). I'm seeing him next week and I will ask him for recommendations for a counsellor. I've tried before on my own but haven't had much luck finding one that wasn't an idiot. :(

I've also looked into CBT for the anxiety/OCD but logistically it's impossible with the kids and everything. But also I seem to go from OCD/anxiety to depression and back again so I'm not sure fixing OCD will help, I think my crazy brain will then just turn around and latch onto something else. I've compared my brain to Linus from Charlie Brown, like that gloomy cloud that hovers and follows him everywhere. I definitely feel ADD at times and start projects without finishing, so I'm really wondering if somewhere in there I do have bipolar tendencies that just haven't surfaced yet.. ....hmmm......

Tiggerian

December 13th, 2012, 12:55 PM

:hugs: Omg Tigger, I'm in tears reading your post because I can identify with some of it for sure. You've definitely been through some horrid things I haven't had to (my family was normal and fine, no issues except that my mom has her own issues that she's in total denial about and thus was a little cold and distant to us growing up). I'm so so sorry about the loss of your baby so young, it must've been so traumatic.

I hope your therapist has helped you with what has to be some PTSD issues?

Gosh, what IS it with annoying shrinks not taking younger patients seriously? I've been there. When I was hospitalized I had to pretend to be seriously suicidal to get them not to blow me off as being young and hysterically dramatic (I've never actually been suicidal. I've had thoughts of it and thoughts of self harm but I've always known I could never actually DO it. I'm still terrified of 'snapping' someday and losing it though.)

They say the average age of diagnosis is middle age......not because people don't suffer but probably because so many times doctors will say shit like "you're young, what have you got to be worried about?" Yeah, uhm, when you don't have real life crap to worry about and you're still majorly depressed it's probably a bad sign......

I also know EXACTLY what you mean about staring at your baby and he's crying and you just don't care. Yup, that was me too in PPD. Thank goodness I was staying at my MIL at the time and she took care of DS1. I was so lost that I remember once I was in the shower in my ridiculous 'decontamination' ritual and he was screaming in his bassinet outside the door, and I was so locked into my compulsion that I couldn't stop it to go see to him. And I remember lots of times sitting there and he's screaming and I'm looking at him feeling totally detached. *shiver* On top of that being terrified too that CPS was going to come in and take him away because surely I was a terrible, awful mother. Like you, I know I wasn't but it's really like being zombified.

Yeah, I had/have mild PTSD. Because it is mild I'm able to keep symptoms under control. But there are places I cannot go - for example the ward she was born in. They tried putting me in the SAME room when I was being induced with my DS1 and I just freaked out. Couldn't go in there. Couldn't even go past it. If I go near certain places I can feel all the emotions coming back - sort of feels like my heart being torn out.

I've tried that too - that, doing something that isn't important - but not being able to stop doing it... I sat at the computer one evening. Wasn't doing anything, just sat staring in the screen, I could HEAR DS1 crying - but couldn't physically rouse myself. It's like your mind wipes blank... the lights on, but no ones home. I felt more like a shell than a person. I had no emotions, no personality - I worked on mechanics and instincts.

----

The worst part is that 2 weeks after my DD died my dad asked me in all seriousness if I was "over it yet" and didn't get why I wasn't. My mum didn't speak to me for 9 months after she died because she 'couldn't deal with the negative energy'. I was half way through the pregnancy when my DD died.

There were definitely people who thought I was just being hysterical and milking in - but when my cousin lost a baby at 10 weeks (and I know it's sad and a loss is a loss) my dad actually had tears in his eyes when he told me (this happened 4 years after DD died)! It just really made me angry and bitter - no tears for your grandaughter, but a niece you hardly ever see, her you cry for! But me, I'm weak in your eyes for not coping at 16 with the death of my child. At least my cousin had her husband, her family and friends around her.. I had no one! (My DDs dad isn't my OH - we lived together as my parents kicked me out at 15 (my mum because her boyfriends religion didn't agree with children out of wedlock and my dad because his wife didn't like me) and despite still being together, he decided he didn't want to be there when DD died.. Who wants a handicapped child anyway!?)

I have to admit - I still get very bitter and angry. Especially at things that happened when DDs death and my parents failure. But my OH has healed me a lot! He taught me to trust again and that not every one will abandon you when you need them, but the first few years of our relationship were very tough and we argued a lot (as I was convinced he would cheat and leave me constantly).

He's the first person who's allowed me to speak freely about DD and to grieve.. Every year he orders a Lily for each year (her name's Lily) and gets the kids babysat so we can go out, or just stay in. Whatever I want... He sorts out candles to light and gets an extra flower to put in the river (it's a thing my grandmother taught me - a flower in water will carry a message to a loved one who has passed away). He does all that, despite DD not being his, just because he knows how much it means to me - but that the grief prevents me from organising it myself. Every year he does it, without fail! Which personally I think is amazing!

LacePrincess

December 13th, 2012, 01:31 PM

Oh I am so glad that your DH has been such an angel. Mine is too. You can't choose your relatives, unfortunately, and I'm so very sorry that the relationship has been so awful with your parents. :(

Thankfully I don't have anything traumatic like that with my family, but I can't talk to them either. They have issues too but they're from a generation where all this was so stigmatized, and it still is in Asian culture. So my mom is so in denial about her own issues. I'm Christian too, but it just. Doesn't. Help. when you're in the depths of suicidal depression and someone tells you to 'pray for peace'. I know she loves me but she's clueless.

I don't really find I can talk to DH about this, but he puts up with SO much from my crap. He's amazing and I really should let him know it more often! He's ridden out all my waves of ups and downs, put up with my demanding OCD rituals, weathered my temper, and more. I really don't know why he hasn't run away screaming yet! LOL

Well it's been 2.5 hours since I posted this thread, and in that time I've gone from horrid black depression and tears, to OCD panic obsession, to slight euphoria and a mild sense of peace, to itchy agitation and tears. Seriously, in less than three hours! It has got to be the meds because this is really WEIRD man. I can't wait to see my doc next week!

LacePrincess

December 14th, 2012, 09:17 AM

Hmm, updating for today. I guess this is kinda turning into my journal to record the crazy, lol.

I ended up 'ultradian' cycling very badly the last two days. Ultradian means, well, very rapid mood swings, like really bad PMS. I'm just past AF so there's no way it's hormone triggered. High/low/stable/high/low/etc throughout the day, mood changes within hours and sometimes minutes. Oh, and some fun panic/anxiety attacks mixed in too. This is very unlike me so I really think it's the Zoloft doing bad things. :( I have never shown signs of bipolar before but I read that Zoloft can trigger hypomania, and I'm hoping that's all it is.

Couldn't get ahold of my doc on the phone (grrrrr) and I'm honestly getting scared of things getting worse, so I dropped the dose down to 25mg and we'll see how it goes. The depression seemed less heavy this morning but I feel kind of gross physically (and my brain is all cotton-y like I'm hung over or something) so it's probably a bit of withdrawal. Sigh.

I'm going to really try to find a therapist. If my 'holy grail' med doesn't work for me anymore, then I'm so not in a good place to be doing the ridiculous merry-go-round of trying to find the new correct med, not when we're TTC. I've tried reading books on my own and online stuff but self-treating really doesn't work when your head isn't in a good place, you just can't get any perspective on anything because you're totally NOT seeing 'normal'.

I've gotten the munchies something terrible so now I'm starving too, just great......it's gotta be another withdrawal side effect. The worst is I can't concentrate worth a damn so it's hard to distract myself, but I don't want to let my illness fill my head with the nutty thoughts either. Ach!

Someday I'll look back on this post and be embarrassed about all this nuttiness, I'm sure. :P

BeadinMom

December 14th, 2012, 01:48 PM

No. You won't look back on this post and feel embarrassed...you SHOULD look back on this post and feel PROUD.
This post, I am sure - will help a lot of people. You've shared things that only someone in this situation could understand...and in that situation, you feel very alone.
I've suffered from depression all my life...it's not something you can describe in words, but you've done an excellent job of explaining what it feels like.

I hope and pray that you find peace soon...you deserve it. ♥

LacePrincess

December 14th, 2012, 02:05 PM

Awwwww Beadin.....

I'd like to say you made me cry, I'm so touched, but it might be the med effect, lol. But thank you. I'm very, very touched.

Been researching obsessively, because it's what I *do* when I'm all twitchy, LMAO......and I seem to fit all the signs of Zoloft induced hypomania. I've never suspected bipolar spectrum because I've never ever ever had that stereotypical euphoric invincible manic high, but apparently irritability/panic/anxiety can be a form of hypomania too. Oh.

Well, colour me surprised, you learn something everyday. Still riding out my mood cycles today (sigh) but it is amusing in a way. The nurse from the psych office called and told me to yeah, start coming off the Zoloft. We'll see on Monday what my psych says, if he confirms my suspicion that bipolar is in there somewhere. But since we're trying to get preggo once I get off the Zoloft I'm going to see about staying off meds at least through the first tri. I'm really hoping he can get me referred to a good counsellor, but, we'll see.

I came across this cartoon today, and OMG it's PERFECT. I can so identify with this! I laughed my butt off. I do feel better figuring things out, though my psych will probably take me to task again for over obsessing.

http://tcor.files.wordpress.com/2007/08/bear.gif?w=460

My mom thinks I should look into studying to be a therapist for this stuff, and yeah, I've definitely thought about it before. I think it's a good idea but I'm not gonna let myself get too into the idea right now since it's probably just a grandiose 'flight of fancy' in my current messed up state of mind, LMAO. ;)

BeadinMom

December 14th, 2012, 02:45 PM

LOL!!!! Aww...at least you have kept your sense of humor about the situation and that says so much about who you are!! ♥

For what it's worth, Wellbutrin has been my lifesaver.

LacePrincess

December 14th, 2012, 03:06 PM

LOL!!!! Aww...at least you have kept your sense of humor about the situation and that says so much about who you are!! ♥

For what it's worth, Wellbutrin has been my lifesaver.

Hah, it's a coping mechanism, LOL. If you don't laugh, you'll cry, and with me often both at the same time! ;)

Unfortunately, all SSRI's are off the table *if* I'm right and I'm somewhere on the bipolar spectrum. SSRI's (Zoloft, Paxil, Wellbutrin, Prozac) and even SNRI's (Effexor, Celexa) can all trigger mania. I've read that they can be combined with mood stabilizers though but I need to see if I can find a non-med method if possible for at least the first tri of pregnancy.

It's funny, I've always had episodes of 'run away from my life' feelings before and I never recognized them as potentially problematic. Just when I thought I'd figured out my brain! Although if it is BP at least it ALL makes sense, as opposed to what I first thought that my brain was 'morphing' on me.

hotdogz&boyz

December 14th, 2012, 03:14 PM

I believe that people who have experienced mental health issues in their lives make very good counselors. I am a drug counselor by trade. I got my degree while going through recovery and finished three years ago. I was am intern for a year and found that half of the counselors in my place of work were recovering addicts themselves. And funny story...they were the most well-loved counselors. They "got" it and were the right combination of gentle and tough. I do believe that learning this stuff from a book is NOT the same as having your head going in ten different directions and having to find some way to figure it out. Sometimes I think the general public does a great disservice to people who suffer from mental health disorders because they don't recognize how DAMN hard it is to get the help/medication/services you need while your brain is SOOOOOOO not cooperating. And the system (mental health care) makes it even worse. It takes a lot more work than anyone knows to handle a mental health issue.

FWIW: I think you made a good decision to cut back on the Zoloft. I know when I was on Effexor as a teenager I was downright suicidal (of course, my weapon of choice-starvation-was not exactly a quick-worker, so we caught it quick enough to take me off of them). That stuff made me have all kinds of thoughts of harming myself, "starting my life over," how my parents would be better if I wasn't around, etc, etc. So I do think medication can create those thoughts, especially when they come about suddenly and you are really not yourself. I hope you get into see your doc soon. And you should not be embarrassed for any of this stuff. It's not like you can "control your crazy." if you could, you certainly wouldn't pick to be crazy in the first place! Lol.

LacePrincess

December 14th, 2012, 03:36 PM

Well that's it, hotdogz. How in the world to you 'get it', really, unless you've been there? Kind of like infertility, I can try to empathize and imagine myself in someone's place but I would be doing a great disservice to their pain to say I understand what they're going through. Because I can't.

I've thought about it off and on for the last decade, about studying to be a therapist/counsellor for this sort of thing, but it's not even a possibility until the kids are older and I have time/finances to devote. I also read a good tip today, lol, not to make any sort of major decision if you think you're in a 'mania' phase. As DH can attest I'm definitely impulsive and start things I don't finish.

Oh, this would explain soooooooo much.......and also why I've always been restless and never felt like I was 'content'. Even when I got everything I ever wanted (husband, kids, nice house, stable finances, excellent future) I still feel like I'm 'chasing' something more. It is so good to find an explanation!!

A big complaint I have is yes, how hard it is to GET help. People think (and those depression med commercials say) 'get help and you'll be fine'. Yeah right. They haven't been in the ER when you're desperate, have been depressed and crippled by it (seriously at my worse I was spending days sitting under the dining room table!), and then you drag yourself to the ER only to be told you're not serious enough to be admitted. Nothing like having to beg them to help you. The hardest thing in the world is to be your own healthcare advocate when you feel worthless and like off-ing yourself anyways, and have to deal with moron doctors saying you're not nutty enough to help. Yeaaaaah.

Oh, and then there was that useless counsellor at the university health care center when I had my first major depressive episode who said I just was in the wrong major and needed to fill out a career interest survey. Seriously!!

I suddenly feel this urge to look up how to become a therapist, LMAO, but I'm afraid it's probably my disorder talking, lol. Thank goodness I've never been one to abuse drugs or alcohol.

Tiggerian

December 15th, 2012, 06:36 AM

Oh lace, I'm so sorry your going through all this and I agree, praying for peace really doesn't help much when everything inside you is pure chaos. It's not exactly a choice and I doubt very much religion, however much you believe, will help curb something like this.

It does seem odd that your symptoms are suddenly fluctuating so much. Have you managed to get hold of a doctor yet? Are you any better today?

Rainbow baby

December 15th, 2012, 08:42 AM

Ah ladies, I can join in here I am crazy too ;p
I have anxiety, On valium at the moment but it does nothing so I don't bother taking it. I constantly think I have a life threatening illness, the world is going to end and everybody is out to hurt my babies. I get stupid thoughts. I base my life around routine and don't watch the news and anything over pg rated tv to keep the demons away so to say. I have no friends .I am serious here to... I am related to the people I spend my time with and I chose to be like this because everything else is weird to me. The way others live and think, nasty and rude and down right crazy really. I have panic attacks and feel anxious just about most days really. Nobody cares, or asks how you are and really it is hard getting trough each day with mental illness. I think we should be rewarded each day for just getting out of bed! You know what though I think my anxiety has made me a better mum, yep totally on my toes 24/7. Nobody gets hurt here. They don't get the chance I am on them like a hawk. They have the best restraints for the car you can buy and we are poor ass. I plan my trips around peak hours and won't drive in the dark. I am never late to pick them up from school never, I leave so I get there 15 mins early and freak when I am running 5 late. Such a control freak here!
I am so glad there are others like me!! It is very calming!

LacePrincess

December 15th, 2012, 10:20 AM

Sat, Dec 15.....

TL; DR - long manic ramblings below, warning you all now! Please don't feel obligated to read. :) It's some pretty crazy shit.

I really should start a blog, but I don't really have the concentration right now or wherewithal to figure it out. So I hope y'all will forgive me for journalling a bit on this thread. :)

Went to bed early last night, feeling very dizzy, nauseous, and headache-y from the Zoloft withdrawal. Didn't sleep, just surfed the net, went to sleep around 10pm so that was ok. Slept ok, vivid crazy dreams.

I'm usually depressed terribly first thing in the morning, this morning I'm definitely in what's called a 'mixed state'. Depressed AND manic. OH JOY! Pressured speech, million thoughts and worries flying and spinning in my mind, nervous energy in every pore. Twitchy in an ADD sort of way. I feel high but without the euphoria. :( Like, the 50 cups of coffee feeling but I haven't had any coffee at all. I feel like all my skin is vibrating and yet I feel depressed at the same time, and my speech is getting that horrid pressured rapid thing going on.

I want to work out to burn it off but at the same time feel unmotivated to start. Plus I have to go to my kid's dance recital and have a birthday party for DS3 later this afternoon. Thank goodness it's only for my family and they know what's going on so I don't have to pretend to be normal. I'm so frustrated and tired I want to scream right now.

I look at myself in the mirror and my eyes are so sad right now. This sucks!!!! The real me is so pissed off, why now?!?

I would love for anyone who's bipolar or had a hypomanic experience to let me know if this is about right for hypomania?

I will probably segueway into a bit of normalcy by 10-11am, and a few panic attacks, and feeling more normal by afternoon/evening. That's the pattern this past week anyways.

This stuff is just so weird. I don't get how my main obsession is centered around contamination and disease. How can my brain be so obsessed with catching a disease and yet want to die at the same time? Very weird. The justification my whacky crazy brain has given me is the good ol' guilt, so I care less about catching a weird thing then about passing it on to my kids. Oh yay, guilt!

I'm not hallucinating or deluded from reality (yet) thank God. I'm grateful it's the weekend so DH can be the sane one. I don't understand why it's happening to me now, my life is so good on the outside, I have no stressors or real life worries, so WTF. Why now at Christmas? I love Christmas and I resent the shit out of this rearing up and ruining my favourite time of year.

I'm so physically restless and tic-y, and twitching physically, and crying all at the same time. But I need to pull it together and pretend to be normal in an hour in public.

I promise I have control right now and no I won't hurt myself or others, but god the thoughts are THERE and I get why people give into that 'voice' that whispers at you to do terrible, awful things. I won't but it feels like sitting on a powder keg keeping it in. More likely I'll get GERD again or all this pressure will manifest itself again in other ways physical. :(

It helps to type it out, and I hope you guys don't mind me documenting here as one of the symptoms of this illness too is that you lose your memory and forget important stuff. I don't have another journal and it's just easier to keep it all here for my own purpose, so even if no one wants to reply that's fine, it's serving a function for my doctor at least.

I acknowledge that all this mania is probably Zoloft induced but I believe the current thinking is if an SSRI can induce bipolar symptoms, then you were always bipolar in there somewhere, just that things hadn't manifested themselves quite yet. I also see other people on the bipolar forums that have previously been diagnosed as MDD, GAD, OCD before getting their BP diagnosis, and yup that sounds familiar!

Wow I've rambled. This is pressured speech in typed form. Thanks for reading all my crap if you've made it this far.

Anyone who's reading this who's never experienced it, please, count your blessings. You have no idea what a HUGE blessing it is to have a healthy mind.

I would really, really appreciate anyone who can understand where I am (and I'm confused because this whole bipolar thing is new to me), and if they can't post on here that's ok but I'd love a PM or two if you've experienced this stuff and don't mind sharing and helping me figure things out.

LacePrincess

December 15th, 2012, 10:31 AM

Tigger, I am seeing my Doc on Monday. I can't wait! I really hope I don't have to talk to his resident-in-training again, he means well but just doesn't have the experience to know how to walk that fine line between empathy and coming across as patronizing. In my current over-sensitive over-reactionary state I'd probably just snap and lose it on him if I felt patronized at all.

I do think this weird mania is Zoloft triggered, yeah.....what I don't know is if med induced mania counts as confirmation of bipolar. But looking back at my life I can see, in hindsight, certain bipolar personality tendencies anyways. It makes sense. Trying not to put the cart before the horse, though.

Rainbow, welcome to my crazythread! And yes it's so nice to find some company in our boat in hell, huh? ;) I can definitely identify with all your feelings, been there, doing that. Paranoia is awful. Sometimes (like today) I feel like I'm just a hop, skip and jump from tin-foil hat status.....

LacePrincess

December 15th, 2012, 12:43 PM

Just a brief update -

I ended up not going to DS2's dance recital. I'm just too unstable right now to even get dressed and hold it together for an hour.

I feel terrible. My illness is affecting my kids' lives, and I'm missing what should be a wonderful moment. I asked DH to record it for me so I could watch. Can you believe it, I'm going to be watching my OWN ideal lovely family life on video.

I feel so guilty but I don't blame myself. I blame this terrible illness. I HATE it. I am determined to beat it. Some might say I'm so selfish for even TTC and passing on my screwy genes, and maybe I am, but it gives me hope and I'll be DAMNED if I quit my life dreams and goals for a stupid mental illness.

So I stayed home and did my workout, and stomped probably a little too hard around the room, and made a bit of noise. And had some dark thoughts that I told to shut the hell up.

Party for DS3 later, only my mom and dad so I will probably try to pretend to be normal and laugh and cry, and thank goodness I don't have to pretend in front of them.

Rainbow baby

December 15th, 2012, 05:28 PM

Ah ladies, thanks for the welcome. Since your all talking about your day I figured I start with mine.
After a crap sleep waking every one to two hours I got up with the rip roaring pooh's. None of the kids are up dh is in bed there is no reason at all for my foul mood. I am shaky and I realise I must have been dreaming and woke in the mid storm of a panic attack again. I can control them trough the day but not while I am sleeping. I am having stress about the poor kids gunned down 20 of them, I got a glimps of it on facebook. I can't handle this so first thing this mourning I deleted my account. This isn't the first time I have done this :/ but the kids have a week left before holidays and I know they need to be at school and quit frankly I know I will have to fight myself to take them. If I lived any were else in the world they will be home schooled I am telling you that I would be a nervous wreck. Due to our gun laws (Australia) I feel some what safer but if it happened here. They wouldn't be going to school again.I am trying to keep my mind of my lumps in my boob. Dr's appointment soon so I am here blabbing on. lace Princess am lucky I guess, I don't think I have depression and although toping myself off has crossed my mind I never really dwell or think of it. The catching a horrid disease and passing it on to my kids yes, def yes. My kiddies have a weakend immune system. So I am constantly washing everything. walls, doors, windows, door knobs, bed sheets, cloths, them. They keep getting MRSA so I am kind of nuts about it. My son has it again confirmed by the quack again. On antibiotics this time as soon as the fever started he was down getting antibiotics. I have been slack with the bleach baths I am supposed to give him. So I feel guilty now :( I will just leave it at that for now but I may have to do the exercise thing to try and get some relief I have herd it can help. I have been for a walk but usually I end up sitting in a park hahahah cause I am to lazy! Catch you laters! Hope you are feeling better soon.

pebmcpd7

December 15th, 2012, 06:13 PM

The one common thing I see with this thread is anyone with any anxiety issues have boys!!! Will anyone with any of these issues ever have a DD!!!!

LacePrincess

December 15th, 2012, 08:34 PM

Oh peb, I sure hope so. But I'm honestly just hoping for a healthy bub regardless of gender. :)

I feel better again now that it's evening. I fear tomorrow morning though. I had a lovely hour this afternoon of feeling almost tipsy drunk, lol. Gotta love that med induced hypomania!

Rainbow, much hugs. :hugs: I'm so sorry that some of your germ fears are 'real', that must be even tougher when you can't say it's just all imaginary. Personally I've avoided reading the news today, I'm just not in a place to handle anymore triggers. I'm glad for you that you haven't had to go through depression. I haven't had many panic attacks, it's not one of my main symptoms, and I'm glad for that! Although I have been having them a bit lately.

My workout felt great but unfortunately the adrenaline can be triggering for my anxiety too. That's what's so frustrating about being on the bipolar spectrum.....you treat the depression, and it kicks you into anxiety. Anything sedating can trigger depression. Yeesh! I told DH it's like trying to find the middle on a teeter totter. Very hard! A silent whirlwind inside that no one can see but sometimes it's so hard to see around yourself.

Thank goodness for my kids. Whenever it feels like the stuff in my head will take over reality, one little wet kiss brings me back. They're such a blessing for sure.

Rainbow baby

December 15th, 2012, 09:50 PM

peb, I also wonder the same thing, to give us hope I know a lady with 3 girls and one boy that suffers depression. My mother suffers with anxiety and nervs and crazy fears to although she will never admit it I am 90% sure she had some minor anxiety problems and had had panic attacks in front of me ..3 girls and one boy also lol. It does seem like their are a lot of us with mental problems and were all boy mum's and to be fair gd is a type of depression in itself and that's how most find there way to these sites, so it is more probable that we all have other issues as well. I think we have just as much chance as the next.
Lp, thanks for the hugs I needed them ;p you are so right one little wet kiss and everything seems to feel so much better for a few seconds anyway, there saliva must have super calming powers lol. We should bottle it!

LacePrincess

December 16th, 2012, 08:55 AM

Rainbow, I wish we could bottle the smell in the crook of their warm necks. Now that is instant love and calm right there!

Sun, Dec 16...

This morning, more of the same. Can't even have a restful sleep, dreamt vivid dreams featuring the stuff I'm most paranoid about. Woke up with rapid heartbeat and anxiety attack feelings. Great. Racing, flitting, thoughts and worries. Why can't I be lucky enough to get the euphoria? But nooooo.......I have to be stuck with depression and anxiety and paranoia, all the cruddy crap with none of the good highs. Blah.

Going to make a list mostly for my own records, of stuff I've observed in my life that could possibly confirm what I suspect is my proper diagnosis. I realize my current state is impossible to separate from the influence of the med, so I need to look back at patterns going back farther. This list doesn't include stuff that's already been diagnosed (like my OCD patterns)

-perfectionist OCD tendencies from childhood, ie. straightening books on a shelf, discomfort with imperfection or flaws, ironically childhood hoarding tendencies which thankfully don't happen now

-mental checking/counting compulsions

-lack of impulse control and overambition. As anyone will tell you, if I get my mind set on wanting something, I want it NOW. And I don't want to wait to get there over the long term, I want to buy the XYZ right NOW and if it's something job related I want to do it right away and get promoted right away, etc. I've also done some weird not-nice things to shortcut getting things like job promotions, unethical stuff that are really uncharacteristic of me.

Other weird job related stuff started on impulse include joining the Reserves with this notion of becoming a Naval officer and sailing around the world, even though I've never sailed on anything in my life and don't at all dream of being on the ocean. WTF! Overambition includes starting up running for losing weight (good!) and trying to train for a marathon the first year of running with notions of doing ultramarathons the year after. Yeeeeeahhhhhh, one stress fracture later, not so good. It's like there's no 'middle ground' in me.

-similar, recurring instances of overspending. It usually feels like I'm trying to buy happiness in a time when I'm feeling unsettled and anxious with no good cause to fix. So yeah, I've tried to shop my way out of misery before. Not disastrously, but I've booked us on vacations on a whim, bought jewellery online, that sort of thing. In fact recently bought a crazy amount of gaming stuff but since it's Christmas that became the excuse.

-ADD tendencies. Never diagnosed, but I'm so ADD about my hobbies and interests. When I'm interested in something, I will obsessively be interested. I will buy every book by a particular author and read them back to back to back. Or watch every movie in a series repeatedly. Or stay up all night to knit/sew a particular project. I have difficulty finishing things if I lose interest, terrible about going back to finish things if my attention has moved on to something else. I've bought craft kits never started many times. Definite hoarding tendencies with information, trying to download every knitting pattern on a website for instance.

This behaviour hasn't really been a real life problem as I tend to just cycle from hobby to hobby.....do something intensely, burn out, move on to something else, etc.

-list making, as you can see, lol. If it's not a physical list, it'll be a mental one.

-sensory sensitivities. Certain sounds make my skin crawl, and little repetitive noises seem to bother me a lot more than other people. Touch adverse - I don't like hugging, being touched, and have felt like physically recoiling from DH hugging or touching me which is so terrible. I don't mind my kids' touches at all at least. Certain odd tics like rubbing satin blanket edging or (ok this sounds funny) wiggling my hips in bed. Weird, huh? LOL

-intense urge to run away from my life. This is an odd one that has definitely recurred since I was young. I've had a mundane, perfectly normal, upper middle class upbringing. Good schooling. Excelled at everything I've set my mind too. Good husband, family, kids, house, finances, everyone is healthy. All parents still alive and in good health. In other words, there is NOTHING real life to be traumatized or stressed over. And yet, every few years, there's an intense urge to flee! Don't know where, and don't have a goal or destination, I just want to RUN AWAY. It's like I can never be content no matter how good I have it. I don't want this at all, I'm not at ALL complaining about my life, I know I'm so blessed and I SHOULD be so content and happy.

So how come I can never feel ok with being content? It's like there's something primal that's constantly searching to find the bad, something that's always turned 'on' into crisis mode and when there's no crisis is constantly looking for one to latch onto. ARRRRGH.

DH's career has afforded a bit of that, with the deployments and separations and stuff. I complain, but in a way those 'real life' stressors has probably, ironically, saved my mind from turning inwards and imploding earlier. So, strangely enough, the normalcy I looked forward to during the deployment is here, and I'm more miserable then ever.

-tendencies towards intense irritability or rage. Definitely experienced that recently but that could be med induced. Always been prone to incredible moments of intense, white hot rage, that's unreasonable in the circumstance. I used to think they were hormone/PMS but being so irritable and touchy all the time doesn't seem right.

-extremely sensitive emotionally and people pleaser. Very easily hurt, especially as a child. Took everything personally (ugh), very thin skin. Even now I do that though I've got a much better sense of self so usually I can talk myself out of it, though my kneejerk reaction is still to take everything too personally. Even on the internet, it's terrible!

LacePrincess

December 16th, 2012, 07:36 PM

Update for this afternoon/evening:

Mostly hyper/ADD/anxious today. A few mild panic attacks. Got a workout done this morning feeling pretty hyper and frantic but it was good to have an outlet for all that excess energy.

Rest of today was pretty much more hyper/ADD'ness, couldn't concentrate on anything at all for any period of time. Definitely got that crawling out of my skin feeling. Feel a little disconnected from reality this afternoon. Watched 'A Beautiful Mind' on tv, which was an appropriate movie for my mood, lol.

Fleeting bits of giddiness comes and goes, interspersed with panic/anxiety attacks over worries and neurosis that cycle constantly. Thankfully can't concentrate enough to obsess over any one thing. A lot of physical restlessness, pacing, twitching, sometimes humming to myself. Glad I don't have to be in public or I'm sure I'd look like a loon! I can feel my heart beating through my chest and a shortness of breath off and on all afternoon.

Worried about getting to my doc appt tomorrow because the weather sucks and we're getting freezing rain all night. :( But I have to, the hope of getting to my appt is the only thing keeping me hanging on without losing it right now.

Momofboys

December 17th, 2012, 08:48 AM

Well I just read the other thread and found the link here, thanks LacePrincess!

I had a HORRIBLE weekend! Especially last night. The only trigger I could have had was the CT shooting. As Im sure it has set everyone off. But I believe those with anxiety and depression issues take things like this ALOT differently. Im having issues going ANYWHERE without panicking. I couldn't sleep last night ended up taking a half of a klonopin. Then rubbed SOs back raw putting myself to sleep. He seems to make out good when I have a panic attack as I found anything to do with sensory can be somewhat relieving. So he gets back rubs and leg rubs ect...

Im going to have to post a lil background I guess....
Been struggling with depression for almost 10 yrs, been on and off meds. Turned into severe anxiety with HORRIBLE severe panic attacks starting last Aug. Tried ( I think) 7 meds and been in ER about 8 times in the past yr and 4 months. Paxil used to work for me, took it after ds #2 but decided to go off it and did great for a while. Then went back on 7 months after ds #4 for a few months then back off. Paxil was last med they tried again this time and it made me more depressed. Prozac completely screwed me up, wellbutrin I ended up having some bad reaction. Geez right now I cant even remember the names of the rest of them. I used to take Ativan for panic attacks but that stopped working so now the one and only thing I take is klonopin on as needed bases. Which has been basically anytime I leave the house! I feel like Im leaving my comfort zone. I was taken outta work the end of Aug (this yr) for not working ENOUGH hours! So I have been home since then and staying home more and more every week so now Im home literally 7 days a week unless SO drags me out. So I have a job interview tomorrow morning for a fulltime job I want more then ANYTHING! All I can think about is how Im gonna screw it up! N ill have to take a pill before I leave to go or Ill end up freaking out before I even get there.
TTC is such a struggle for me cuz Im scared to death to be pregnant but at the same time I LOVE being pregnant. I just wish I lived in the yard of a hospital Id feel much safer. I usually end up making 100s of visits to the L&D while pregnant cuz Im so anxious. I hope this is making since lol Im kind of running one thing into another, but that's usually how my mind works. Even tho I have learned things to calm myself from some attacks they don't always work. I can get a headache and literally think Im dying from a brain tumor! Slightest pain anywhere in my chest and its a heart attack. N then I get told by my dr that Im fine im healthy my odds are slim, blah blah blah, but how will I tell if something really is real???? No one can answer that one, or atleast give me an answer I wanna hear. Well this is the only time I have ever shared this much of my problem cept to my dr. I don't bother SO cuz he doesn't understand. Hes not mean he can tell when Im having a panic attack even if I don't tell him. He'll talk me down (or try) from one if he knows. I will actually only tell him about them if they get really bad.
Guess I shoulda put a warning above that this would be long, sorry....

LacePrincess

December 17th, 2012, 09:26 AM

Mon, Dec 17
*********

Jotting down my thoughts before they bleed out of my brain.

Awful night. Usually I can find some solace in sleeping but O.M.G. My brain was spinning, spinning, even while asleep. Whirlwind of thoughts going everywhere and nowhere, like I wasn't even fully asleep. Or rather, my body was and mind never turned off.

The few times I woke up to go to the bathroom my mind was already turned on to FULL SPEED AHEAD when I woke up, going, going, going, going, going. AACCCGHHHHHHH!!!!

This morning, depressed as usual, but feel so much NOT rested since my mind never turned off. Had a weird scary fear that maybe what I cling to that gives me strength - my happy family and kids - what if they're an illusion? Now I don't really believe that, but the thought was there in passing. Questioning reality I mean. And holy sh!t that scares me. It's probably more med induced crap but it's also a taste of intense paranoia and psychosis.

I wish I could just stop the medication but you can't just cold turkey or the ramifications could be deadly. So I can't.

Now I'm a big bundle of hyper energy but depressed and unmotivated at the same time. GOD. I feel like a prisoner of my mind and body. I hate this. I want to bash my brains in just to get my mind to SHUT THE F&CK UP. I'm so exhausted. I can't handle anything more than the mundanely routine, thank goodness for little things that keep me grounded. Suddenly making the bed hasn't ever seemed so calming. I found myself counting the grooves in the door when I was on the toilet this morning just to keep my noggin from flying off into an ocean of crazyness.

I feel screwed up enough to check myself into the hospital, except, ironically, my outright terror of hospitals and germs wouldn't let me, lol. The urge to self harm is like an itch that I cannot let myself scratch (note that I've never ever ever self injured before. Ever. I don't understand where it's coming from.)

But yeah, I think it's clear now why therapists of the 'find a hobby' and 'have you tried exercise' and 'your life is so good, try to appreciate it' types are so USELESS. Yes I KNOW ALL THAT. I have done it all, don't you think I'm trying???? I go through all the motions, I smile and try to 'fake it till I make it', and the disease eats you up from the inside and takes over your brain. I suppose it's very much like dementia or ALS - no matter how much you want willpower and lifestyle to change the illness, it just doesn't work. Period.

A few more symptoms in the past year (pre re-starting Zoloft), just writing it down for my records:

-major issues with very short fuse, no patience, extreme rage and overreaction to the littlest things. No patience with the kids. Blamed it on the stress of the deployment but the pure blinding rage was extreme and frightening.

-extremely irritable over little things. Blamed it on hormones and PMS but waking up your husband at 2am and screaming at him for putting one grocery item away is crazy territory!

-out of control impulse obsessions. I had cats that were having accidents and at 2am had the urge to search my house with a black light to find more pee-ed on spots. Seriously, that's not normal, right? To NEED to get up in the middle of the night and couldn't wait?

-Slowly increasing paranoia. Mostly around contamination stuff, which is my OCD, but then around things like strangers breaking into my house in order to contaminate it. And I've never had paranoia before this year.

LacePrincess

December 17th, 2012, 09:41 AM

momofboys, thank you for sharing your story. I'm glad you felt safe to do so here!! :)

I've avoided the news for the past few days, I'm just not able to handle it......I'm also pretty much staying off GD stuff for now until I get my head sorted out.....I just can't deal with more than I have to right now, I really hope I'll get out of this mess soon. Only a week before Xmas and I really don't want to be in this mess.

I love being preggo too. Last pregnancy I had some triggers but gosh I loved it in general. And postpartum was just normal BLISS for me, that first year, maybe it was all those happy hormones and the breastfeeding but gosh it was wonderful. Or maybe it was a year long manic high, who knows, LMAO. But it was lovely.

My kids give me meaning and a reason to hold on right now.

I totally get you regarding all the phobias! Yup, with mine it's blood borne pathogens, but similar thinking. Like I'm convinced I've caught something deadly even though it's impossible and I really have much higher odds of winning the lottery, lol. I haven't worried about heart attacks or cancer yet but I probably will sometime in the future, lol. When I'm buried in OCD I spend hours and hours looking up how diseases are spread and I'm convinced I have it and I've contaminated my kids. Or that every visitor to my home has contaminated it somehow. It's horrible.

I get why people turn to alcohol to numb things, I really do. So tempting. Haven't done it, never will, but it's tempting.

LacePrincess

December 17th, 2012, 05:09 PM

Back from my psych doc appt. Gosh I am so blessed to have such a great therapist in my life!

Okay so he's mystified why I had this reaction on such a low dose of Zoloft when I've tolerated it well and used it for extended periods before. You gotta love when the expert says "I'm so confused", eh? LOL Yeah, well, so am I!

Anyways, he doesn't want to try other meds or anything while I'm TTC. Too risky since a lot of them are contraindicated for pregnancy and also because there's no way of knowing if some of them might not agree with me in a very bad way. So better the devil you know I guess.

We agreed that I will stay on the 25mg of Zoloft because it does seem to take the edge off my anxiety. However, if the scary symptoms of thoughts of self harm, panic attacks, etc., persist then he wants me to just drop it entirely. No benzos as I'm afraid of getting 'hooked' on them (I have an addictive personality and I just don't want to be tempted) and they're risky if pregnant anyways. So the plan is to get preggo and hope to make it through the first tri, and re-evaluate from there. He didn't rule out bipolar, something to keep in mind for the future, but he said it's possible.

Good thing I was pretty ready to drop most sway things anyways, so fx this is my month! Oddly enough I'm starting to get a fade-in on my OPK tonight which is early, as it's only CD10.

Dreamofpink

December 17th, 2012, 07:54 PM

Lace, Tiggerian and Momofboys I want to send you each the biggest of hugs.

I've been following this thread since you started it Lace and I find myself wondering how you are during the day when I'm not online. It's made me realise just how very lucky I am to never have experienced any mental health problems. I just feel so much for you and really hope that you can get through this quickly. I'm glad that your counsellor's good, just know that I'm here rooting for you hoping that you get to enjoy Christmas with your precious boys. x x x

LacePrincess

December 18th, 2012, 09:03 AM

Dream, thank you so much for your supporting words. MI (mental illness) is such a nasty word and I can't speak for others, but despite all the acceptance in society (and it's much better now than 50 years ago!!!!) it's still a shameful secret for many. It's so unfortunate - no one would choose this if they had a choice!

Depression, ADD, and even OCD are more 'acceptable' now, but there are still diagnosis that carries huge stigma like schizophrenia or bipolar. Too many cliches, too much misunderstanding in pop culture. I came across a terrific article yesterday about how misusing MI terms can be really hurtful:

BBC News - OCD, bipolar, schizophrenic and the misuse of mental health terms (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-15213824)

I just want to tell people who don't have a MI or have a loved one with a MI that it's perfectly OKAY if you don't understand or really get it. It's enough that you see us as people wrestling with a chronic illness like any other. I know of no other involuntary non-self afflicted illness that gets as wrongly mocked or trivialized as MI. People just don't tell an asthmatic to 'suck it up and stop wheezing' or someone having an epileptic seizure to stop drawing attention to themselves in public. And no one stops seeing someone with, say, lupus, as no longer being a person anymore and not worthy of respect like any other. You'd be surprised how many of us fear getting help because of the terror of being talked down to, trivialized, patronized, and essentially treated as if the MI symptoms were a character flaw/weakness - and this is by the professionals we go to for help! No wonder so many never seek treatment.

So yes, it's FINE not to understand. :) We don't need you (general you) to understand, we just appreciate still being respected as a person and that we're not automatically 'that crazy freak'. I also get that people want to help, but most of us suffering (unless we're very young and very new to the diagnosis) know everything there is to know. Heck, some of us know MORE than our docs about side effects of a particular medication! Which is why when I'm having a hard time I HATE HATE HATE that stupid Cymbalta depression commercial. "Did you know that depression hurts?" (insert image of woman staring out gloomy rainy window) "Did you know that you don't have to suffer?" That commercial makes me want to break my tv sometimes.

So bottom line is, sometimes all we need to hear is that we're not alone, that when we're suffering we haven't suddenly become worthless and invisible. The most helpful words I hear is 'hang in there, you'll make it, it sucks but you'll get through it and we're not going anywhere'. Obviously that's from the POV of a family member.

Anyways, enough rambling, lol. This morning's update:

Slept better, no freaky panic attacks. Yeah! Still have a terrible headache and bruxism though. I'm trying not to grind my teeth and ruin them. Depression was very bad this morning, which sucks. Every morning I want to stay in bed, keep the kids home from school, and so far I've managed to talk myself out of it. Force of will, that! OCD panic/ruminating, trying to distract myself out of the looping thoughts by singing stupid songs in my head. Physical tics still, squirmy RLS in my legs so I keep stretching and twisting my feet to try to get rid of it, and feel an urge to twitch my head sharply once in awhile, almost like trying to turn off the annoying constant thoughts in my head. :P

Doc mentioned my blood pressure was up (very weird since my bp is usually borderline low) and it seems to be a Zoloft side effect. Along with the headaches. :( I hope it goes away or I'll have to drop it completely if it doesn't and be back to square 1 with the OCD. Obsessively reading MI forums, and I know it's obsessive but it's at least less destructive than fussing about germs and pathogens.

LacePrincess

December 18th, 2012, 09:38 AM

Oops, forgot a few things (no surprise with brain flying off into a million directions):

One is that I very much meant what I said to my pdoc (psychiatric doc) yesterday: "I love my life, I just want to enjoy it!" That pretty much sums it up.

Two, is that I realize that my own struggles have made me a lot less judgemental. It's so easy, I think, to look at the perpetrators of that horrible school shooting, and that mom that drowned her 3 kids in Quebec a few weeks ago, and that Batman theater shooting, the really frightening one on the bus in Winnipeg (paranoid schizophrenic decapitated a total stranger just out of the blue).....so easy to just villify them and say that they're evil people deserving to die. Hang the spawns of Satan!

Except, it's really not that simple, is it? I do like the saying that having a MI (hallucinatory/delusional or not) is not a character flaw. However, it also doesn't excuse anything you do. So no, you cannot blame your illness for making you do bad, bad things, nor is it an excuse. But if you really think about it, it makes it really hard to stick people into good/bad handy little boxes, doesn't it? It makes people really think in shades of grey, and that's difficult. It's easier to villify and condemn.

All I can feel is a terrible, terrible sadness for everyone involved. For the families of the victims of course, but also for the tortured souls who conducted the acts, and *their* families. Most of the time it's just tragic for all involved, and I think my heart breaks the most for what could have been, the lost opportunities for the perp to have gotten intervention, help, what could have been prevented.

So yeah, I guess I feel a calling to speak about this stuff, to try to raise awareness, to at least try in some small way to reduce the stigma. Because by making it less of a dirty secret we can prevent future tragedies. We really must change the mentality that the mentally ill deserve to be locked up, to be forcibly sterilized or denied being able to reproduce, to be labelled and denied jobs and given opportunities. And it DOES happen even if most of us want to think it doesn't, or else there wouldn't be such a high correlation between the homeless and serious MI. (And yes, a lack of good resources to help people is obviously a factor). All of this makes some people feel safer, away from the crazies, but it also means anyone suffering feels downtrodden and hopeless, and THAT leads to people doing crazy shit out of desperation or retaliation against being wronged by society.

I'm probably suffering from my own delusions of grandeur right now, lol. But I think it's notable that even in my case, where I have been so lucky to have family that isn't in denial and doesn't shame me for my weirdness, and where I've been so lucky to find respectful and helpful doctors, that I was still afraid to tell my pdoc that we were TTC. Because I still feared that he'd judge me for passing on my faulty genes, that I was being selfish in doing so. I was terrified that he'd tell me to delay TTC until I sorted out my crazy head. And I KNOW better, and he never ever ever implied this, and yet it still niggles at me.

LacePrincess

December 19th, 2012, 07:15 AM

Tues, Dec 19 -

Cruddy mcCrud. :(

Had a whacky-doo evening, jittery and shakey, like being on a pot of coffee with Parkinson's tremors. Ridiculous.

Then last night went to bed early as I've been doing, and couldn't sleep. Wide awake until almost midnight (went to bed at 9pm). Oh no...... (sleep disturbances are always a bad sign). Lots of awakenings last night too.

This morning I feel awful. Like, the worst sort of grief plus a bad panic attack. Spinning thoughts as usual but the feelings are so intense even my crazy mind can't justify it with any obsession. Of course I have nothing to be upset or sad over so I just *feel* awful, and physically I feel like crap - heavy chest, elevated heartrate, nausea.

Zoloft is getting dumped today and I'm calling my psych today and hoping he can phone in an emergency benzo or something. I don't DO benzos but right now it's urgent. Frankly I'm just plain scared, all of this is clearly a med reaction and it's out of my control. I don't seem to be losing my sanity/lucidity at least but if it all gets internalized instead I'm surely gonna end up with another gall bladder attack or something physical.

Momofboys

December 19th, 2012, 08:42 AM

I get why people turn to alcohol to numb things, I really do. So tempting. Haven't done it, never will, but it's tempting.

Ive tried this and it doesn't help much... I find it can give me MORE anxiety the following day or I have ended up having a panic attack WHILE drinking and its horrible as I can not take a klonopin while Im drinking. It has worked in a since that it CAN make things go away to relax but there back the next day so whats the since? It basically a waste. So if I do drink its just social drinking and usually just with SO or a few friends. If Im having a stressful day tho Ill refuse to drink with them and just DD if they wanna go anywhere, which tends to be more fun watching them act like idiots!

So Im getting SO frustrated with ttc. THe 2 things that are gonna keep me going are that I very badly want another baby, and I recently purchased a 90 day VIP with FF and don't wanna waste the money. SO ill atleast be ttc for 3 more cycles. Im pissed off cuz Im cd 19 today and still no +opk and no temp shift. Every opk I take I stare at for like 10 mins and when it doesn't turn + I fall apart. So now Im depressed ontop of anxious :tissue: The stress does not help my situation at all. I found myself taking a klonopin yesterday before I went to interview and actually still almost walked out because it was in a tiny azz room with me n 2 interviewers. Then I had to go back 4.5 hrs later for a dinner visit and had to take a half a klonopin to leave the house again. I TRY TRY TRY to get my mind on other things but if I don't catch it ahead of time then it falls apart.

My dr says that to me, that "I'm confused" I hate that, I tell him I just want to be normal again and that's his answer, that or he doesn't know what normal is. Ok your the dr not me, you tell me what normal is!

I had one of my chest pain attacks Monday night took me forever to fall asleep I was scared I was gonna wake up. Then my EXh decided to be a prick (sry) and stir my mind up over 12/21! He knows what I go through when it comes to things like that, I think ok I KNOW he does the crap on purpose to set me off. Hes still stuck in the if-I-cant-have-you-no one-should he has issues, and hes a lot of my problem but its IMPOSSIBLE to stay away from him cuz of the boys! Ugh, a lifetime of this???? Idk how much longer I can take!!!!

Tiggerian

December 19th, 2012, 04:38 PM

I get a lot of what your saying - I used to feel the same.

The blind rage, no patience, complete and utter despair and despite all of that I genuinely loved my life! I just didn't enjoy it or anyone in it.

And I get the not being so judgemental too. When ever I hear a sad story about a parent who killed their child, yes i get angry, but at the same time I feel "Christ.. they must've felt and hurt so bad to be driven to something like that". There's no excuse for their crimes, but there is.. I don't know the right word.. there is a kind of nod of understanding towards the feeling they must've had and how utterly alone they must've felt.

I get the hallucination thing too - I did that. I genuinely believed I saw my dead daughter. First nightmares, but then in real life. I would hear her calling "mama" over my baby monitor. I would hear her cry. I would hear foot steps upstairs. My OH could sit right next to the monitor and I could hear crying and "mama" clear as a bell - but OH never heard a thing. I felt like I was going madder than the mad hatter! Hallucinations are horrific because as you experience them - they ARE real. You SEE it, you FEEL it. Every thing about it is as real as reality... I stood staring into my daughters FACE despite KNOWING she was dead! I heard her calling me, despite knowing she never talked (as she died in utero). Hallucinations are cruel... If there is a devil out there, than this would be his doing without a doubt!

I can sleep very badly too.. I had my first nightmare in 18 months the other night. But it was different and I'm not sure how to view it... See, in the past my dreams were always simillar in story line. I'd have a little girl - sometimes I'd be pregnant with her, other times she'd be born. She could be different ages - think the highest I've gotten to was 5 years. But no matter how well I cared for her, no matter how much I loved her, protected her or was assured by the doctors she was OK - she would die. Sometimes peacefully, mostly not.

But this time I dreamt I was pregnant and went for a scan - there on the scan was two babies. Both girls. This has never happened before - and were they told me that one baby girl was sick (same heart defect as DD) and would die, the other would live. By the end of my dream it turned into a flash back of my DDs birth - it usually did this when I dreamt of pregnancy. Same room, same scenario.. Begging God, the doctor, the midwife, anyone, to please not take my baby.. Baby still died, but the other one lived.

No baby has ever survived my dream before. I don't know how to view it. It was a nightmare as horrific as the others and woke me up with tears ********* down my cheeks, but there was a different sense there too. Hope, maybe? I don't know..

LacePrincess

December 19th, 2012, 04:39 PM

I've never been one that can hold her booze anyways, so it's not much of a temptation, lol. I don't get a buzz - I either get a headache or nothing at all. Or it puts me to sleep. Aside from a cold beer on a hot summer's day once in awhile or a nice glass of red with a steak, it doesn't do anything for me. So that's probably good!

My vices are more spend money to feel better anyways. Not smart either but not as physically damaging at least.

I get you on the ttc frustration.....and for us anxious types it's hard since of course you can delay your own O by stressing over it too, so ironic. I hope you get your +OPK soon!

Well turned out the nausea and hurling this morning was a lovely bug and not Zoloft withdrawal (not unless it's contagious as hubby was puking all afternoon too!) so there's that. I guess I'll keep riding out the stupid 25mg then and see but I hope my manic symptoms don't increase.

Tiggerian

December 19th, 2012, 04:39 PM

Oh and btw Lace.. thank you for making this thread. Never been able to really talk about my own experiences without feeling judged and afraid!

LacePrincess

December 19th, 2012, 04:44 PM

Gosh Tigger.... so heartbreaking. I've never hallucinated (yet), thank goodness. Yours would be from PTSD though, right? That's got to be different then hallucinating without a traumatic incident link somewhere.

I'm grateful that I haven't had anything happen like that so far but I'm always on the watch as I do have an uncle with schizo, so it's scary stuff. I worry about the paranoia escalating though. I do wonder about my mom sometimes, as she swears she 'sees signs from Angels' (yeeeeah ok mom) but who knows if that's more of her wishful thinking from her annoying evanglistic streak. Seriously, it's annoying. I like talking to her but I really hate how she's utterly predictable - in every conversation she just MUST get in a dig about finding peace in prayer. GAH!!!

Hope your dream is prophetic in a good way!

Tiggerian

December 19th, 2012, 05:27 PM

Well you can hope it is prophetic! Will just have to wait and see what the new year brings you.

I have a friend who is simillar to your mum. She's muslim and the loveliest woman ever - but whenever you speak to her she tells you to pray for answers, peace, saviour etc. And as much as I would like to believe prayer could help, I just don't. It's something inside me thats 'messed up' and prayer isn't going to undo the damage. I think its great if religion and angels can help people through their problems... But my problem isn't not having peace. I feel peaceful, I'm happy and contented with my life. In fact, I love my life! Except a few financial worries I have a bloody brilliant life! I know I'm blessed and i count my lucky stars on a daily basis - but something inside me is complete turmoil. Something inside me is so repressed that occasionally it just all burst out and takes over for a period of time and in that time, even though its short intervals now, its all-consuming and there is no peace in it. It's just raw, pure emotions that I can't deal with or control!

Yeah its from PTSD. The hallucination thing was the last symptom that occured before I received proper help for it. At first I was convinced I was haunted, then I was convinced I was schizo, so when the GP said PTSD I was actually relieved, until I found out it was a "life sentence".

Luckily, I've learned to 'live' and manage most of my symptoms. Hallucinations don't occur anymore - more outbursts of emotions (fear, rage, despair). It's very mild, but I think it helps that I distanced myself from a lot of trigger factors.

LacePrincess

December 19th, 2012, 07:40 PM

Tigger, exactly that! I hate being preached to because I AM content and grateful and happy in my life. It's like when you're ill and symptomatic it's invasion of the bodysnatchers, the alien eats your brain.

That is entirely why in the recent episodes I get suicidal intrusive thoughts yet I DO NOT want to die. The manifestation this month is far more intense than it was when I was 22.....when I was not content/happy/have faith in God. If I felt these intense horrible emotions/thoughts a decade ago I probably would've actually tried to act on them.

So I feel them, (the bad thoughts and emotions), and yet I don't really *feel* them. I don't identify with them which is a good thing. Doesn't make it any less painful to feel though.

And that is a dichotomy that someone who has never had a real MI just does not get. They have no idea what we're talking about, that separation of self and emotions/thoughts, because they've never experienced feeling emotions that weren't really theirs. And that is the difference.

I know my mom means well but she has no idea. And I wish she'd just SHUT UP because I don't need to hear it EVERY conversation, yk? Besides, she's quite the hypocrite considering she suffers from OCD hoarding and doesn't see it to be a problem at all. Yeesh.

Tiggerian

December 19th, 2012, 07:56 PM

Sometimes its easier to see and face other peoples demons than admit your got them yourself. Its easier to try to save other people than attempt saving yourself! I know I certainly do that - I'm all about great advice, but when it comes to myself I'm as lost as Alice in Wonderland.

I get what you mean - especially the intrusive thoughts. I had those and yet, I did not want to die. I didn't want to leave the world I have. I didn't want to leave my son! And yet, this urge kept gripping hold off me, telling me it would be easier just to let go. It isn't easy. Especially because sometimes you get caught in the whirlwind and can't get out of it.

I often felt like there were the two "Me's". The one who was in agony and the one who could reason. But most of the time it felt like I was standing beside myself screaming "Get up! Pull yourself together - you are stronger than this", but the 'Me' in agony couldn't listen and couldn't act. I know that might sound a bit crazy... but I always knew what I 'needed' to do, I just couldn't physically do it. It feels like... well... to be a bit cliche, it feels like being chained to the ground!

But, I do believe that there IS a way out. Maybe not a cure, but a way to live with the symptoms and not let the symptoms live you. But I know it can be hard to find the way that works for you - especially with symptoms like yours, because I won't for one second pretend that I have suffered as much as you. I do fully understand you though and for whatever its worth - you are not alone!

LacePrincess

December 19th, 2012, 09:26 PM

:hugs: Aww Tigger, it's not a contest. And conversely I feel the same about everything you've gone through, I can't imagine and I really admire your strength.

Yes, I talk to myself too, but the demons are louder, yk? Especially the OCD stuff. Obviously I know that it's NOT FREAKING SANE to lock and relock the same door for half an hour (yeeeaaaaah) but it's like I'm rooted and stuck to the ground. Even as my sane mind goes 'walk away, walk away, this is ridiculous' the OCD whispers 'it's not RIGHT yet, and what's the harm of checking just one more time?'

The worst though is ruminating obsessions for me. I HATE them. My mind will pick at a triggering incident in my past that no one else would think twice about and go 'what if?' .... 'What if there was contaminated stuff there, what if you touched it without knowing, what if you then caught that disease' etc etc etc. And the worst part is the stuff is in the past so you can't even go back and check. So then it's this horrible feeling of doom that I'm powerless to change because it's in the past, and of course it's ALWAYS worst case scenario. Argh. I've smacked myself in the head to try to get these ruminations to stop but hasn't worked yet.

I'm still trying to find a good source of CBT where I live, but it's hard logistically. I've read every book there is to read and it's all well and good to know the techniques, but playing your own therapist doesn't really work because when you're so deluded you can override common sense too easily. So it's not that I don't know what to do, but when the MI is taking over you can't see around it and it just doesn't work to be your own therapist or kick yourself in the butt when you need it, lol. It's definitely on my radar though, I need to get a therapist for the OCD side of things for sure.

Yuzu

December 19th, 2012, 09:42 PM

Lexapro is my friend.:bigsmile:

Tiggerian

December 20th, 2012, 05:56 AM

I get it - completely. I mean, I haven't had OCD, but i can relate to knowing what you're doing or thinking isn't sane!

I did a major psychology assignment on MI last year and did a thorough assessment of CBT for OCD and as far as I remember it proved quite effective, as long as you stay away from flooding. Can't quite remember the statistics for it though... Isn't there any near you?

Momofboys

December 20th, 2012, 08:08 AM

I wish I could drink wine, It gives me a headache no matter how much, or little I drink of it. I have found ways to soothe myself somedays it works and others forget it! Im thankful I've never had hallucination's I think if that were added to my list of symptoms Id be literally in a padded room. Sometimes I think that's where I belong, id feel safer being in a ward then out here in the real world. But Id miss my babies to much. I agree Tigger, theres no cure I SO wish there was! I just want to find something to balance me back out. Im sick of up and down! Like today my 2nd graders have a xmas play at school and idk how Im gonna leave the house to go :( I will force myself cuz I already missed their chorus/band concert last week. The thing is ik that fresh air is great but I cant get myself to leave the house for anything. If I do I panic! I cant even go xmas shopping or to any store for that matter like a normal person and enjoy it. Geez Im a woman Im supposed to LOVE shopping. My ex is a HUGE downer and he knows it and uses it against me. Sometimes I wish he'd move 10,000 miles away! I cant take his negativity and one of these days I'll have to give you the BG on him cuz he is the most manipulative,abusive mind controlling jerk I have ever known. After I left him It was such a HUGE relief and I felt so good for so long. We've been separated over 4 years now and he still cant let go and wont leave me alone. He'll get mad at me for not getting a loaf of bread for the boys when their there and then text my current SO and try to start stuff with him... :nono: My SO gets irritated and has told me in the past that he's not gonna keep dealing with his bs. I swear if ex comes between me and SO idk what ill do, but im sure ill lose it..

LacePrincess

December 20th, 2012, 11:17 AM

Yuzu, I wish I dared take Lexapro! Ride now I'm in a holding pattern though. My doc is befuddled why I'm having such an odd reaction to the Zoloft that I've taken off and on for many years, and at a very low dose too. I've also had a crazy reaction to Effexor so with the possibility of bipolar in there somewhere a lot of the proven meds for OCD/anxiety now isn't an option because it could trigger a scary manic episode. I just really hope it won't take much longer to get preggo because I just don't want to be 'holding on' forever.

Tigger, OCD suuuuuucks. Rumination OCD is the worst because you feel so powerless, yk? I know CBT is the best but the only OCD specific groups I've been able to find so far is 45 minutes drive each way. I wouldn't even mind paying for a therapist but I'd have to find the right one, there are so many quacks and snake oil salesmen out there. (Life coach anyone?) What's flooding, btw?

Really I just want to know why I can't get rid of this hyper vigilance. Why can't I just be content and not feel like something horrible is just around the corner? I have a great life and have never done anything to deserve bad karma, so I don't get why I always feel like the other shoe is about to drop all the time. Yeesh, where the heck did this existential pessimism come from?!?

Momofboys, I'm sorry your ex is being such a pain. I get you, when we're struggling to just function sort-of normally we just don't need any extra stress. Even a little bit is enough to make us explode! I feel you, I'm starting to become housebound too and I know it's not healthy at all. :( Life's too short to have poisonous people in our lives, yet it's such a PITA when they won't leave us alone. Hopefully your SO can takeover and tell your ex to get lost if he becomes a nuisance.

Ugh, sorry ladies, I just can't think this morning, still sick and very foggy. I did lose 2lbs overnight though, lol but puking one's guts up isn't a great way to do it!

Tiggerian

December 21st, 2012, 03:32 PM

Well... that's my good LE diet out the window.. urgh...

I'm such a comfort eater! I'm feeling really upset today as OHs dad and stepmum just used xmas as another way owing in a dig at me..!

- Not invited to the Xmas dinner. Then extended the invitation last minute because they knew it'd be too late for me to find a nanny for the boys
- Didn't include me in the xmas card
- Their xmas present to me was OHs stepsisters old, used make up bag. Gee... thx!

I know you should just be grateful for a gift - but I'm tired of them treating me like dirt... I don't want to invovle OH - it upsets him so much! Like when we got engaged they made a huge fuss, called me every name under the sun, tried to get OH to split and dump contact with DS1 (seriously) and OH cut contact with them until they learnt to accept his family.

They apologised and said they would! Ds2 is born and looks more like OHs brother than OH and immediately they are in there saying I'm a good for nothing W**** who's been sleeping with his brother! Which is a HORRIBLE accusation and thank GOD OH didn't believe it for a second! OH got very angry, had a very BIG talk with his dad who promised it would be better...

Well.. I guess being ignored is better than trashed.. still makes me upset though... never done anything other than love OH and have his kids. Didn't know that was a crime!

So here I am... ordered chinese and now scoffing ferrero rocher... Boo! >_< Hope its OK to have one major oTT cheat day xD

LacePrincess

December 21st, 2012, 06:38 PM

Ewww, no a used item is NOT a gift! No one can fault you for being insulted. That's awful. I still remember as a kid seeing my mom cry (and she doesn't EVER cry) when her toxic parents gave her a used vacuum cleaner as an Xmas gift. :(

It's worst than no gift at all, really. At least if you don't get a gift you can pretend that they forgot you. When they give you shitty used crap as a 'gift' it really drives home the insult. Family sucks sometimes.

:hugs: Sorry about the diet thing, but one day won't hurt anything. I OTOH have aced the diet lately, mostly because I'm too depressed and anxiety ridden to have an appetite at all. :( 4 days to Christmas and I can't find any cheer to save my life. I hate being such a terrible downer right now!!

Tiggerian

December 21st, 2012, 08:33 PM

Oh honey... I'm really sorry you're suffering so much lately! it really isn't fair... =(

I wish I could be more helpful, but atm I'm just fuming...! OH was suppose to be home sort of 11ish as I've got plans tomorrow morning, which he KNOWS! But alas its 00.32 and he still hasn't turned up. According to MiL she saw him at her house at 22.30 and said he was getting in a taxi... <_<

I'm also feeling nerve wrecked as last time he went out with his dad was the Christmas DS2 was out and his dad actually invited a girl as a BLIND DATE for my OH (oh yes, he did!). Now OH didn't do anything, nor would he. But it makes me feel like crap waiting here for him coming home knowing my FiL will do anything to split us up! (MiL and FiL are divorced)

LacePrincess

December 21st, 2012, 09:57 PM

Tigger, thanks. I feel like such an emo teenager lately! I'm doing better this evening. :) I think my brain found 'normal' around 8pm tonight, when I actually see things in perspective like any other normal person! Yay! Too bad it'll reset again in the morning. Boo.

I feel your frustration. Nothing peeves me off more than people being late. Grrrrrr. My hubby knows now never ever to ignore my calls EVER if he's so much as a minute running behind, it's a great way to sleep on the couch for a week.

Well I gave into a craving and having some smoked salmon on a bagel tonight. Screw it, I've last 2 lbs from puking the last few days so I figure the extra protein won't hurt, lol. My chart is such a mess this week being sick right around O time too. We did manage to BD between puking sessions, is that commitment or what? ;)

Tiggerian

December 22nd, 2012, 06:19 AM

Oh dear me, I think Atomic would classify that as being obsessive lol! I do hope you get your bFP this month and tbh with what you're going throuhg I think you deserve a bit of smoked salmon ;)

LacePrincess

December 22nd, 2012, 09:55 AM

Thanks, Tigger!

Well I got about an hour of 'normal' brain last evening. Unfortunately free-floating anxiety set in again around 9pm. Boo. I feel less unstable then last week but back to my previous levels of anxiety and depression, which isn't great but at least I'm not feeling as raw. I don't consider this a great maintenance level obviously but it's manageable until I get into see my pdoc next month.

I've found some therapy resources that sound like they're a good fit for my needs. It'll be pricey of course but if it's the right help it's worth it. I'll be calling on Monday to start getting more information. My insurance only pays for $1000/year with 20% copay, which isn't much when it comes to therapy....I imagine I might only get 5-6 sessions out of that limit. :( But if I stagger a therapy session with my pdoc appts I figure that'll work since I'll be seeing someone for mental health every two weeks and that should get me about 5-6 months worth of therapy then.

Also if we don't get our bfp this month next month I'm going to start adding in white meat proteins and fish. I think all this simple sugar eating has definitely not helped my mood stability for sure! It's not the only thing to blame though as I can look back and realize that it's been a slow steady slide into low grade depression over the last year or so. Stupid hormones.

Tiggerian

December 22nd, 2012, 01:01 PM

But Lace - if you live in Canada can't you get therapy on your national health service?

LacePrincess

December 22nd, 2012, 08:13 PM

But Lace - if you live in Canada can't you get therapy on your national health service?

Yes and no. OHIP in Ontario (Ontario Health Insurance Plan) is my provincial plan, and it covers anyone that's an MD. So I don't have to pay for my psychiatrist for example. But psych's only really do the med part, they don't have time or experience to do talk therapy. Most talk therapy and CBT is covered by psychologists and counsellors, and unfortunately those aren't covered by OHIP. :(

There are a special type I just recently learned of called psychotherapists who *are* MD's who do CBT and thus would be covered by OHIP, but I haven't found any in my city yet. So for now I'm just going to go with what I can find since something is better than nothing. Hopefully 6 months will be enough for me to either learn techniques to do it on my own or to find a psychotherapist.

But as I told hubby it doesn't matter how much it costs, if we can find the money it's worth it for a stable and sane mind!

LacePrincess

December 24th, 2012, 12:45 AM

Holding steady still. Worrying, but what else is new? LOL I'm not fluctuating all over the place like last week so at least I can work on applying the CBT mindfulness stuff I do know (which isn't that much!) Sometimes works, sometimes doesn't, but hey that's not bad compared to the past month. :)

Wanted to link this debate thread on attitudes about MI: http://www.ravelry.com/discuss/big-issues-debate/2398679/1-25

Be warned, though, it IS a debate thread so there will be comments of all stripes and some are not sensitive or informed. So it might be triggery. The first post has a link to a blog that's absolutely heartbreaking about a mom trying to deal with her 13 yo son who has some very serious (and violent) issues.

There are no easy answers but I'm glad to see at least we're seeing a movement of awareness. It's a start.

LacePrincess

January 5th, 2013, 08:08 AM

Just a quick update.....so no one worries that I've gone off the rails! ;)

I'm doing great atm. :) Had a lovely quiet Christmas with the family, and turns out the Xbox with Kinect was the PERFECT gift for us. And me. Yes I've been obsessed with it (gee whiz there's a shocker, lol), and have spent WAAAY too much on games so far but it's been wonderful. And, cheaper than therapy still!

I'm a Dance Central fiend right now, lol, and it's been awesome. I don't play 'traditional' vid games but this system is a dream for anyone who likes fun of the family/cheesy variety and wants to stay active. Plus all the exercise and dancing has kept me off the couch and the exercise has been great for my state of mind. And it's been a riot playing with all the kids, doing interactive Sesame Street with DS3 (AWESOME stuff) and watching the older two dance Gangnam Style. So. Funny.

I've also dumped a big part of the low protein part of the LE diet, and I was right, it has really helped my state of mind. I know that it compromises the pink sway but I couldn't be in that horrid dark place I was last month. I will gladly take another baby boy anyday over crazy crap. Alas, my last cycle was a bust, but moving on.......and also added B6 this month and have totally weaned and hope my LP will get better.

Dreamofpink

January 5th, 2013, 11:02 AM

Yay! So glad to see you back and even better to hear that you're doing well. Sorry you didn't get a bfp, perhaps this'll be our month?! :) x x

Sent from my LG-E400 using Tapatalk 2

LacePrincess

February 13th, 2013, 11:54 AM

Hmm been awhile since I posted here!

So, just wanted to whine a bit. Been struggling with very bad paranoia and OCD since the m/c. :( I'm sure that the extreme OCD compulsions is probably related to my psyche trying to hypercontrol everything after feeling so OUT of control with the m/c.

The intrusive thoughts really suck. I know they're not rational but it's so EXHAUSTING trying to resist the temptation to compulse. And most of the time I eventually give in anyways even though I know I shouldn't just to SHUT THE URGE UP. I know it's the wrong thing to do but it buys me an hour or more of peace.

I'm very exhausted. Dealing with the m/c feelings was easier than dealing with this crappy horrid crap that's OCD. At least with the m/c it was a grief process and you go through it, cry, and it's going to heal. OCD never heals.

I have an appt with my psychiatrist tomorrow and it should be interesting. One thing that I keep forgetting to bring up with him is an incident that I seriously wonder if it might be contributing to my paranoia troubles now. A few years ago I was in the Reserves, and was put in a compromising position by a superior officer. And yes, that means a sexually compromising position. Thank the good Lord nothing actually happened, but only by the Grace of God and because the guy didn't actually try anything in the end. But if he had I would've had no hope of escaping.

I didn't think that had any lasting trauma, but maybe it did? It didn't help that when I reported the incident my (female) superior told me that I should've not put myself in that vulnerable position in the first place. I never did get counselling or anything, and it's been so many years that I just kind of dismissed it I guess. I didn't have classic PTSD symptoms but I wonder.....

My psychiatrist says that a lot of my OCD issues stems from a complete lack of trust in myself. I'm beginning to think that that incident might be creating issues now.

I really really wish I could try other meds but with this ttc thing it complicates issues. One of the meds my psych wants to try is a tricyclic, but they're FDA Class C. :( I'm beginning to think maybe I need to find a therapist.

Bah.