Still Reeling...

[mrsmorgan]

Hi All,

I just joined today when I stumbled across this forum while researching how to cope with GD. I'm currently 16w5d pregnant with #1.

DH and I were so, so, hoping for a little boy. We were absolutely convinced that it was a boy, as were all of our friends. I have all the "classic" symptoms: carrying low, no MS, craving red meat, etc.

I had a conversation with a friend who is also pregnant about 3 weeks ago and she said they were told at a 7 week scan (really early!) that it was likely a girl, and she had a strong hunch that we were having a boy. Sure enough, they discovered that they are having a boy, and when I found out my heart sank because I just KNEW that we would get stuck with the girl.

Low and behold at our 16 week scan yesterday the OB said that she didn't see any boy parts and she'd give us a 90% chance that it's a girl. I am absolutely devastated. I barely held it together until I got to my car, where I had a complete and total breakdown. I haven't stopped crying since.

I knew I'd be disappointed if it turned out to be a girl, but I can't believe at how distraught I've become over this. I didn't eat at all last night and have barely eaten today because I'm so upset. Not to mention that this has sent my anxiety/depression reeling, as I stopped my medication when I found out I was pregnant. Now I have to decide which is worse: anxiety and depression or the risks that go along with antidepressants. I'm going to try therapy, but I don't know that I can make it through the holidays without some medication.

My husband can't understand why I'm so upset (he was bummed, but really fine either way), and I feel like a horrible person for being this upset and angry at this baby I now question whether or not I want. I now wonder if getting pregnant was such a good idea in the first place if I stood to have this strong of a reaction to GD.

I'm really hoping that I'll turn around soon, but with the holidays coming up I can't even fathom visiting with relatives and pretending like I'm super excited we're having a girl. I didn't have the greatest childhood and didn't get on very well with either of my parents. Now I'm much closer to my Dad than my Mom. I can't imagine having to deal with a little version of myself and watch her grow up to hate me as much as I hated my own folks. And to have a relationship as strained as the one I have with my own mother.

[ejk741]

I found out that my DD was a girl at 16 weeks also. I was more than devastated. I thought of all of the bad things about having a girl. Although I hate to say it... I felt that I could never love a daughter and even thought she would be better off with another family. It really ruined my whole pregnancy. Even to this day it hurts when I hear that someone is having a little boy. My DD is 16 months now... and although I still long for a little boy... I could not imagine my life without her. She is my world! I have come to realize that babies aren't just boys or girls.. they have such individual personality. I truly love my DD for who she is. I know that what I am saying doesn't mean much, because when I was in your shoes nothing would change the way I felt. But, please try and take care of yourself and your baby. I know that now you are upset... but not a day goes by that I don't regret how I took care of myself mentally while I was pregnant.

[Violet_]

I'm sorry you are suffering from GD. I've been there and big hugs. But just wanted to say that every child/parent relationship is individual. Just because you weren't close to your parents or didn't have the best relationship with especially your mum, doesn't mean that the same will happen with your child. I wish you could get a peek into your life once your baby is born and you start to bond with her and how happy you are going to be, as it would lift your spirits. I'm certain your child will bring you years of happiness and love. xx

Ps. I didn't make it to the car with DS2 before the tears were rolling down my face. And I then sat in the car uncontrollably sobbing for at least half and hour before being able to go home. But I tell you what, he is the most gorgeous little man and I wouldn't swap him or any of my children for the world.

[4devochki]

I've been where you are, for exactly the same reasons--I was terrified that I'd have a repeat on my hands of my horrible mother-daughter relationship.

10 years in, and 3 more daughters on board (yes, Fate laughs) I can tell you that thank goodness I AM A VERY DIFFERENT PERSON than my mother. I am not my mother. I may have some shadow of some of her terrible qualities, but years of therapy and self-reflection means I am nowhere near replicating, or even approximating, what she did to me as a child. And I have a close, sweet, intensely loving bond with all my girls.

Yes, I still long for a son. But I thank providence for my dear girls, not for their gender, but for who they are as people, and how they spur me to be a better version of myself, for their sake.

Hormones are making you see only the blackest possibilities. But given what you've shared, you don't sound like the unconscious, unreflective type. So I don't see you repeating the past. Take heart.

[Tiggerian]

YOU are not your mother and you daughter is NOT you. Please remember that!

That being said - I had GD with DS2 as well. I didn't cry, but all the joy of my pregnancy went out the window and it just felt like it didn't matter anyway! When he was born the emotions weren't there straight away, but over the first hour of lying skin to skin with him they came, slowly but surely, and today he is my little bear!! Love him to bits and we are so close!

As I'm writing he is sat on my lap - he is the gentlest little creature who loves cuddles, reading and kisses - all the things I thought I'd get from a daughter. In time you will look back and feel silly and bad about your GD, but its important you really try to listen to your own feelings and see if you can find the key to moving on and accepting that this time you won't have your boy. Its hard! Especially if your friend is having a boy... I still get upset and frustrated when I hear people I know are having girls (secretly I hope they all have boys!). But just remember, it isn't your daughter thats the disappointment, its the dream that you didn't get (it is actually an important point because many confuse the two and feel incredible guilty later on because of it).

I will suggest this though - if you can afford it get a 3D/4D scan! It helped me bond immensely with DS1 (I had bonding issues for different reasons) and really helped me look forward to it all. I suddently felt like this baby was MINE and it was real. I'd definitely recommend it if you struggle very hard with your feelings. You might discover feelings inside you, you didn't know you had!

It does sound a lot like your fearing repetition of your past and not actually GD (do u know what I mean?) so let me just restate: You are NOT your mother and you're daughter is NOT you. YOU have a choice: You can self reflect and consciously walk a different path and be a different mum. Its hard! But possible! I've done so myself and became the mum I never had in my own mother and I'm happy, confident and securely bonded with my children today - smthg I never thought was possible before!

[Violet]

I've been in your shoes... 7 years ago and 3 years ago... Please know, it seems SO bad right now. But really, it gets 99 to 100 percent better. Being pregnant is the center of your life right now and all the hormones and life changes of your first don't help. When your baby is here, the baby will be the center of your life, regardless of gender!

[Kittybear]

You will love your baby the moment she is in your arms as you will see the face of the child created by the love between you and your husband. When I was nervous about hearing that I was having a boy rather than the girl I always imagined my friend told me that she strongly believes that as much as the mum and dad choose to have a child, the baby's soul chooses you to be its parents. I firmly believe that now; no-one will EVER love my son as much as I do. So you must have a quality or something to offer this little girl that no one else in the world does.
Give yourself some time to 'grieve' the boy you thought you would have (it is like that as it is getting your head around a different life) then try to enjoy the rest of your pg.
Now you know this website exists you can always try to sway for a blue bundle next time.
Take care and best wishes for a healthy pregnancy x

[My Three Sons]

I didn't even make it out of the US room before my tears hit with DS#2. Now he is the one that is most affectionate. He still loves his cuddles and momma time, even though he is 6.

[letibe77]

I had GD with DS2 & DS3 as well. I did cry a lot... When he was born the emotions changed: Love him so much!
I love all my sons very much, but I desire for a girl to complete the family.

Hug!

[Longingforgirl]

Hi,
I am so sorry you are feeling this way.
I know I would have felt this very same way as well if my first child had turned out to be a girl. In fact, I was terrified of getting a girl. When I found out it is a boy, I was so relieved. This doesen't help of course.. but:
I have a terrible relationship with my mother. And I was so scared of having an own daughter, because I was so sure she would hate me just as much as I hate my own mother.
Then I got my son. I loved him. I loved the baby. And then I realized, that I would have loved that child just as much if it were a girl. It would not have mattered. Because I am not my mother. I am better :giggle: And YOU are better. Now you have this great chance to show your mother how this is supposed to be done. How you can have a great mother-daughter-relationship. Because you CAN! Seriously. I am sure you will have a great relationship with your daughter. And that is so special! It is why I so desperately want a girl. Because of this unique relationship I have not had a chance to experience as a daughter. But I want to experience this as a mother. I know I can do better. It all becomes clear when your little girl is here. I always felt hated by my mother. And I was sure in a way that I would hate a daughter as well in some way. I was sure I would treat her the same way that I was treated. But once you hold that little pink bundle, you will love her so much. And you will treat her differently. And she will love you!
Have you ever watched gilmore girls? I know it is fiction, but there is just so much that this mother does right. Totally differently from our mothers. I love watching it, this special mother-daughter-bond. I don't think you can have anything like that with a son.
I just want to reassure you that you will love this baby, and she will love you. And you will be so glad along the way that you will have this great chance to build up and experience a great mother-daughter-relationship. It will be nothing like your relationship with your own mother.
I wish you all the best, and I really hope you will see this very soon. :luck:

[PlanB]

Longingforgirl had a good message there.

It's all so different for you and your daughter.

I didn't want girls and I got 2. And I absolutely love it!