Anyone else have a DH that just doesn't get it?

[WantingPink]

I have always wanted a DD ever since I had DS1. I want the mother/daughter relationship that only a Mom and daughter can have. I am very close to my Mom and would love to have that same relationship with a daughter. When I talk to my DH about my GD he looks at me like a am speaking Chinese. With a DD all he thinks about is teenage dating, drama, and teenage pregnancy. For him a daughter is a constant worry. Does anyone else experience this with their DH and if so how do you cope with how you feel and how your DH doesn't seem to have a clue as to where you are coming from??

[Cinss]

I can see how it would be hard for your DH to understand your GD. He needs to imagine if your first 2 kids were girls, how would it feel for him having no Son.

[Lassie1982]

My desire for a daughter is because of the mum/daughter relationship as well.
Mum and I have had our tough times, and I've had to struggle with some internal demons, but all in all she is my best friend, the first one I turn to, she is my everything.
I can't bear the thought of losing her one day, and though having my own daughter would never replace her, I can't imagine growing old and NOT have a same such relationship.

To me, having a daughter isn't about dressing a baby in pink, it's about what comes much later after that, the childhood games, the maturing relationship, the adult friendship, that intimate closeness.

My DH makes an effort to understand, and he too would love a daughter, he really has a desire for one, but no where near as deep seeded as mine.
I think he comprehends the reasons I want one so badly, but doesn't actually feel it or be able to imagine it if that makes sense.

Sometimes he has glimpses I think, for example, when we were Xmas shopping for DS this year, my DH was literally like a kid in a candy store, reliving his childhood through all the boys toys the excitement im his eyes and voice is second to none, I said to him, 'see, this is what I don't have'
He adores doing things together with DS like putting together mecanno, playing scalectrix, those typical 'boy' things that he get SO much enjoyment out of.......it was only the other week that he said to me after a lengthy playing session with DS, how much fun he has, and I said 'so can you see now why I'd love to enjoy a daughter? So that I could do with her the things that *i* love and adore....dolls, dress ups, my little pony, dollhouses..
Don't get me wrong, I enjoy playing boy games with DS, and I'm as enthusiastic as ever when I'm doing stuff with him, but I enjoy the time with him, not that actual thing I'm doing, if that makes sense.

I think when I pointed that out to DH, the penny dropped a bit more.....maybe try to explain it that way to your dh

[3boys]

My DH couldn't care less if he gets an army of boys. But he does get sad that I am so sad and that's why he goes along with all the swaying etc.

[WantingPink]

Your DHs sound more understanding than mine. I have told him "imagine if we had two girls... wouldn't you want a son to do boy stuff with?" All he says is "well I really don't know how I would feel if we had two girls but I am sure I would be fine."

His lack of empathy really frustrates and angers me and makes me even more sad that I don't have a DD. When I talk about swaying he looks at me like I want to do voodoo on him. I have talked with him at length about adopting a girl and he doesn't want to have anything to do with that. He won't even entertain it for one second. It really is frustrating and I don't want to grow old and resent him for the rest of my life. He makes me feel like there is something wrong with me for wanting a DD and not being completely content with our 2 DS.

[Mum23boys]

My hubby is the one that wants the daughter the most so i cant really comment.

[WantingPink]

Hi i know just how you feel.
You mentioned that your dh is worried about a teenage pregnancy with a girl.Let me tell you from the other side of the fence what we have endured.My 19 yr old ds got his gf pregnant when she was only 17 yrs old.It has turned his whole life upside down and now they have to live with the consquences for the rest of thier lives.They didnt see the bigger picture and now have the responsibility of paying high rent bills food ect: and looking after a baby.
I feel my ds life is ruined its not the future i wanted for him at all.He used to and still loves the great outdoors motocross boating fishing camping all the things that a teenage boy loves but now has come to almost a none existance for him as now it has been taken away and replaced with a mundane monotomous life style more suited to what an adult could cope with certainly not one a young boy would dream of thats for sure.My dh and i help as much as we can but we are seeing alot of resentment buliding up between my ds and his gf.
I love my grandchild but it couldve waited quite a few more years yet until my ds had experienced life abit more.It has been a real eye openener for his younger siblings that have seen what he has been through,so its not just the girls you have to worry about when they get older its the boys as well! We found that out thats for sure!


You would think that my DH would know this because HIS OLDER BROTHER got a girl in HS preg when he was 20. They are from a super small town and it turned their whole family upside down. The thing is I don't think his comments are logical (it takes two to make a baby), I think he is just is coming up with anything that might in some way change my mind. I think he is terrified to have a girl. He doesn't have any sisters, doesn't even have any girl cousins, he doesn't even have a niece!! So the whole girl thing is foreign to him. But instead of just saying that he comes up with excuses as to why adding a girl is a bad idea. I just wish he would say that we could do whatever it takes to have a girl because he knows it means that much to me. Just wish I had more support from DH :(

[Dana-Alicia]

Yes, mine has made the horrible comment today that he doesn't want a girl. He. Doesn't. Want. One. I was fuming :mad: And it's not the first time he said it. It's always after he sees girls misbehave or screaming in a high pitched voice that he makes comments like that. My sons are very calm, they don't scream or fight, or wreck things. They do typical boy stuff, but in a calm way (most of the time lol sometimes I just want to hide until the storm blows over lol). i guess my sons are like their dad :giggle: I asked him doesn't he want a cute little girl like me? Well, he started laughing and said i was a nightmare as a kid. Be that as it may... I still want one. Or two. Maybe two just to torture him a little bit more muawhaha. Cause it's gonna happen, one way or the other (we're going HT in the future and hope it will work for us:fx:). And no, he doesn't understand. He actually says when i asked him if we had two healthy girls and no boy, would he not have a strong desire for a boy? He said no, he just ever wanted two kids. Ugh total bs. But he agreed to Ht to ensure the right gender so I will stop whining about having a girl. I'm happy he's willing to do this for me, but I want him to want it... I want him to be happy about it.

[WantingPink]

Yes, mine has made the horrible comment today that he doesn't want a girl. He. Doesn't. Want. One. I was fuming :mad: And it's not the first time he said it. It's always after he sees girls misbehave or screaming in a high pitched voice that he makes comments like that. My sons are very calm, they don't scream or fight, or wreck things. They do typical boy stuff, but in a calm way (most of the time lol sometimes I just want to hide until the storm blows over lol). i guess my sons are like their dad :giggle: I asked him doesn't he want a cute little girl like me? Well, he started laughing and said i was a nightmare as a kid. Be that as it may... I still want one. Or two. Maybe two just to torture him a little bit more muawhaha. Cause it's gonna happen, one way or the other (we're going HT in the future and hope it will work for us:fx:). And no, he doesn't understand. He actually says when i asked him if we had two healthy girls and no boy, would he not have a strong desire for a boy? He said no, he just ever wanted two kids. Ugh total bs. But he agreed to Ht to ensure the right gender so I will stop whining about having a girl. I'm happy he's willing to do this for me, but I want him to want it... I want him to be happy about it.


Your DH and mine sound the same. My DH only wanted two kids and it took two years of badgering, begging, whining, asking, telling, him how much I wanted a 3rd that he finally gave in. He said that if I wanted the third to be a girl then we shouldn't try because it probably won't happen. I doubt my DH would ever agree to HT. All I am asking him to do is be sympathetic to what I want and to support me. It is very irritating at times and at other times makes me so sad.

[Dana-Alicia]

Sorry to hear it took so much effort on your part to get a third baby. I truly hope you have your girl in there! The only reason my DH agrees to HT is to make sure I don't start nagging again when it turns out to be a boy if we sway. He knows I'm very strongheaded and I would go on untill I have a girl. We both don't want a housefull of kids, so that's why he agreed to Ht. And also cause he feels sorry for me to grieve our daughter. He also grieves, but he doesn't think it will get easier if we have another girl. I don't think a sister for her would make the loss right, but I just want to see what she could have been like, if that's making any sense. So ht it is. But he is only willing to try once and I'll have to wait years 'till he's ready and we're financially capable. Ugh. But I have two amazing boys to keep my busy and most of all: happy.

[wildwooddays]

Well, as there is no guarantee of a perfect mother-daughter relationship (have you seen Kailyn or Janelle on teen mom 2?) I always wanted to raise both genders. DH keeps saying, " I don't understand, you are getting your third kid, you shouldn't care about the gender." Then I feel bad for even voicing my opinion to him.

[BZ94]

I honestly thought DH didn't "get it" when it came to my desire for a DD. Then on Monday at our anatomy scan when we found out we were expecting DS3, I looked up and he had tears in his eyes and looked just crushed. Turns out he wanted a little girl too. I think sometimes guys don't want to act like they want a daughter, but deep down they do...

[4devochki]

[QUOTE= DH keeps saying, " I don't understand, you are getting your third kid, you shouldn't care about the gender." Then I feel bad for even voicing my opinion to him.[/QUOTE]

I hate this most of all, being told that I shouldn't feel the feelings I do. It feels so disrespectful and hurtful.

[mommymachine]

My DH did not get it at all and I think it really negatively affected our marriage. I won't get into the details but lets just say after my DD was born we ended up in counselling. But fast forward a year, not only does he get it, he now wants 4 more children and would like 3 of them to be...girls! So he is going to sway with me. I think it's really hard for some men.

[4devochki]

Mine doesn't get it, and I want a boy. He says he's totally indifferent to gender. We have four girls--two singletons first. Then I had to beg and plead for years to try for number three and we got...two more girls.

He's digging his heels in at this point and saying that is it. And at my age, adoption is more or less the only option anyway. Ladies, don't leave it until too late, and never, ever give up. To be facing menopause without the dear son I've dreamed of all my life is really almost more than I can bear.

[4devochki]

It's breaking our marriage apart, too. I made the mistake of marrying someone younger by 8 years, and he has 0 idea what it feels like to be facing the end of my fertility without the child I wanted.

[WantingPink]

Mine doesn't get it, and I want a boy. He says he's totally indifferent to gender. We have four girls--two singletons first. Then I had to beg and plead for years to try for number three and we got...two more girls.

He's digging his heels in at this point and saying that is it. And at my age, adoption is more or less the only option anyway. Ladies, don't leave it until too late, and never, ever give up. To be facing menopause without the dear son I've dreamed of all my life is really almost more than I can bear.

I am so sorry!! I have a feeling I will be in your same situation here soon. Is your DH open to adoption. Mine isn't and that is a sore spot with me also!!

[4devochki]

No, he says adoption is his "absolute least preferred option." Which means no way in h-ll.

When he's feeling generous, he says he "might" be willing to consider donor egg/surrogate...but the combination feels way too weird to me (no offense to my fellow oldies, please!). And then he has a bad day and tells me to just forget it...sigh.

I'm still investigating donor egg clinics that offer GS and trying to get my weight/bp down to make it a feasible solution, hoping he changes his mind. But if it doesn't happen in the next 6 months, I'm going to have to be realistic and call it quits.

[ocean]

Ladies, don't leave it until too late, and never, ever give up. To be facing menopause without the dear son I've dreamed of all my life is really almost more than I can bear.

This really spoke to me. I'm in my late 30's, DH is in his early 40's, and I raised the idea of seriously going HT with him about a month ago. I didn't ask for an answer right away - I'm myself still on the fence about it too - and he didn't say no or yes. We only ever wanted 2 kids and it was only after our 2nd was born (team green) that I realized how much I wanted my DG. A 3rd will be a total change in our plans, and possibly in my career, which is a lucrative one I've worked toward for over a decade. But something tells me we can make a 3rd kid work and I should push this with him - gently for now - until he agrees. If in 5 years I can no longer have kids, I think I'll regret it forever.

[motherofboys]

Mine does want a daughter, but I don't think he gets just how much I do. But then I haven't made a big deal of it to him either. If I mention it being a boy he says his sure its a girl. If I say "I've had enough boy stuff" he says well thats my fault you know I only make boys. If I say about only having boys he makes a joke about football teams. He doesn't understand that it was him going on about having a girl each time, and him always using the name we picked out for DS1 if he had been a girl when telling me the baby is a girl (which he did with all 3 as well) his confidence that we would get a girl that made me want one! Now he acts like his not bothered!

[Hopeful37]

I agree with u. You have to follow your heart. I am 37 now and we are going to try for our 3rd this June. However, my DH was not on board. It took a whole year of convincing before he agreed. I actually gave uptake the end! I really don't want to be an old mom but I really want to try for that girl. I don't always want to be the mother-in- law ( I have 2boys) .
So let him know how important this is to you and how you're feeling. Then let him think about it for a few days or a month and bring it up again.....
Good luck!!

[mumof6]

nope mine doesnt get it either
he wants a girl but not to the extent that i want a girl iykwim?
he asks me why i cant just be happy with never having a girl - i cant he just doesnt understand that he doesnt get it either when i ask him to put himself in my position of if we had 6 girls and would he want a boy. he says he wouldnt but i know him better than that and know that it would have killed him if we never had a boy.

he only ever wanted 2 kids and blames me for the fact that we have boys because he says i just cant let it go and i have to put us through this time after time.

[JP2007]

My DH doesn't get it either! We have one boy and another on the way and he was hoping for boys both times. He thinks girls mean more worrying and drama down the line, but I think we will worry just as much about our boys. As bad as it sounds, boys can still have kids as a teenager, get abducted, be dramatic, and all of the other things normally associated with girls. I would like to have another child to be close in age with our youngest son, but he thinks I am only mentioning it because I want a girl. I honestly do want a girl, but my oldest son will be in school soon and I really want my younger son to have a companion at home whether it be a boy or a girl. Hopefully I can get him on board to eventually try for a third. I would love to sway pink but am pretty sure he would not be on board for that!