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View Full Version : Ow. Ow. Ow. This GD stuff HURTS.



HopingWishingPraying
January 8th, 2013, 10:53 AM
So the other day my very last remaining "all boy mum" friend who "got it" a little bit had her third baby ... and of course it is a girl. I *knew* it must be a girl (she wasn't telling) as I saw her the day after her gender scan and she was radiantly happy, as opposed to me who could not leave the house for 4 days after my scan with #3 as I couldn't stop crying even to pick my kids up from school. But despite *knowing* in my heart she was getting a girl, it was still a slog in the guts when the text message came through. I am so happy for her but... owww, it hurts. I have been through this so many times in the last 4.5 years... when does it stop hurting so much? With her now a "girl mum" I feel like I have lost the last person in my life who I could talk a little bit about it to and who sort of understood. I am surrounded by people who do not understand and who I can not talk to without being judged harshly.

My friend did not believe in swaying at all and did not do anything to try to sway (I am sure she thinks I am silly for trying to sway) and I am so sure that she has "got the girl" whilst I will get the boy again despite my 5 months of starvation on the diet etc. It happened to me many times over when I did my strict IG sway for my DS3 - in fact I knew 5 people all giving birth at the same hospital within a week of me... and all 5 of them had girls whilst I got the boy (who I love to death and wouldn't swap for anything in the world of course.... but you guys know how it is). I just got back from visiting my friend and her bundle of pink at the hospital and my heart is in a million pieces. I held the little girl for an hour and breathed in all the pink, her pretty little face, her dainty little hands. My friend is so radiant and contented, so blissful that she has her long awaited daughter and all the things in her future which I dream of. She is at this very moment living out the things I have dreamed of for so many years and the moments I am so terrified I will never have. It is hard being so jealous when I just want to be happy for my good friend. I am so, so, so terrified of how devastated I am going to be if and when I find out it is not to be for me. I am 11 weeks pregnant and purposely not having a 12 week NT scan because I just cant risk seeing a boy nub...I cant do it. I cant find out till birth, I just cant. It is a long 8 month wait until then when I cant stop thinking about this day and night. I feel like I am trapped in this never ending GD... SO much anxiety about my sway and the baby in my belly. It is consuming me. I have been trapped in this GD for about 5 years and I have done everything I can to let it go, but it chases me and dogs me every day. Nothing I have ever tried has helped to make it go away. It steals so much joy. I feel helpless...I have done everything I can to try to escape this ... swaying my guts out twice but I am just so sure I am going to have another boy and never be free from these feelings. I love my babies so much... why is this so hard? Does it ever, ever end? Or will it be with me forever?

wilma_five
January 8th, 2013, 11:30 AM
Let me be your living example that it can happen!!! I just found out yesterday I am expecting a girl after 5!!! boys. I did sway with this one but I did also sway with nr 3 (mildly) and nr 4 (hard). Always it was someone else who got the girl. I can relate to your feelings big time!! This might be your time, you have a big chance of being pregnant with a girl at this moment.

PlanB
January 9th, 2013, 05:38 AM
It sucks. It's so hard and simply not fair.

I remember feeling wretched when I found out I wasn't having the gender I wanted and that was 2nd time round.

But I guess the only thing is for now, you just don't know. You shouldn't resign yourself yet. My mum had 3 boys then a girl. Just like that.

As for your friend having a girl 3rd time round, she could be lying. I tell everyone I didn't sway for baby 3 and I went hi-tech!!

HopingWishingPraying
January 9th, 2013, 10:05 AM
Thanks all. I spent most of last night awake tossing and turning in angst, but with 24 hours distance from the bundle of pink I am feeling more sane again. You are right that it could still happen for me and I shouldn't count myself out yet... I just cant imagine it because as you say Wilma it is always someone else who gets the girl. All the better surprise if it does happen for me I guess! Thanks again for your kind posts, they did help.

wilma_five
January 9th, 2013, 10:21 AM
Are you dutch?

HopingWishingPraying
January 9th, 2013, 10:32 AM
Hi Wilma, no I am Australian. Why do you ask? I forgot to say congratulations on your girl... how totally awesome for you. You deserve it and you must be completely over the moon.

Adia
January 9th, 2013, 06:36 PM
Thanks all. I spent most of last night awake tossing and turning in angst, but with 24 hours distance from the bundle of pink I am feeling more sane again.

When you have something in your face that you want so bad it only makes your head spin, just like you said...

I sincerely hope you get your girl.

little_quickstepper
January 9th, 2013, 07:06 PM
Hi HopingWishingPraying,

I haven't really gone via the introductions yet, but your post resonated with me. I'm from the other side of the world but I'm about a week further ahead with my third pregnancy than you. Had my NT 12 week scan last week and it's looking extremely likely that DS4 is on his way. The experienced sonographer was very confident. And my husband and I swayed, properly and rigidly, for the first time (with DS2&3, twins, we just did a mild badly-timed Shettles attempt). I home cooked everything that we ate for two months solid, the hardest diet I've ever done. With this pregnancy it felt different, way more morning sickness, feeling really emotional, craving vegetables and carbs and going off meat, but that looks like it counted for nothing.

So for the first day of the news I was in shock, and I couldn't process it, and even my five year old son had GD!!! He had been wishing for a sister and partly we wanted to get a girl for him too. The second day I shut myself off and cried and found and read this forum (I swayed from info on IG) but couldn't bring myself to type. I felt so guilty for ignoring my kids the whole day. Then the third day I looked up about HT, since I'd never considered it before, obviously being lucky first time attempts on DS1 and DS4. DH's sister is currently having IVF for the usual infertility, they are both 39 and trying for their first, and there we are popping yet another one so there is also secret guilt on my part of, well, some people can't even have kids. But I know what you mean when you say you love your babies but hate the feeling of GD. It's the feeling you hate, the feeling of never knowing what a daughter will be/act/look like.

So DH is at least so sweet and sympathetic: he is probably thinking GD thoughts too but won't say it in front of me because the last thing he would want to do is make my GD worse rather than be quietly supportive. We had vowed, completely, that this would be our last baby, our last roll of the dice. That part is true for us: I'm done rolling the dice. I can't even look at swaying info now because I know that our dice has 'boy' printed on all 6 sides. So these last two or three days I've been reading about PGD/IVF. I said to DH, that I wouldn't know in a couple of years' time what I would actually feel like about having another kid, but with the absolute, well, 99.9% sure, chance that it's a girl if it works. So that's a pink baby or no more babies. I've been chewing on that idea for the past couple of days and I think that is how I will move through this pregnancy: by thinking of it as definitely my last boy but not necessarily my last child. Surprisingly, DH, who only ever wanted two kids, was in principle positive about the idea, which has made me... at peace with the idea of DS4 (at least in the last few days my GD has not been so bad). DH agreed with me that if we go HT we will go on an 'IVF tourism holiday' as he puts it, and not tell anyone, even immediate family, just pretend it was all natural, and what a lovely surprise!

Back to your case, I think for the sake of your growing, increasingly loved baby it would be good for you and him/her to enjoy the flow of more positive thoughts. Have you compared the scenario of finding out it's a boy at birth, and then working through your emotions then, when you have a newborn baby to deal with and hormonally, naturally, baby blues setting in on day 4-5, versus finding out next week or in the next month and then working through your grief? Or joy? You could have joy, you know: swaying is supposed to work 80% of the time according to one Dutch study, and you would be denying yourself that joy for the next 6-7 months. Just a thought, I like my news earlier so I have more time to make plans and work through whatever emotions may come.

DS1 (2007), tiniest angel (2009), DS2&3 twins (2010), DS4 due July 2013 after hardcore sway

wilma_five
January 10th, 2013, 03:32 AM
Because of the word "angst" in your text, it's dutch for fear!
But no, you are totally on the other side of the world ;)

RKT Mama
January 10th, 2013, 06:47 PM
Can totally relate. Currently pregnant after 3 boys, Swayed for DS3 but in retrospect pretty badly. Took me 7 months of hell to get pregnant but I know it wasn't a perfect sway and I am convinced it is a boy ( well most days) just because I really really want a girl. I am too scared to go for my anatomy scan in case I see a penis and then all hope is destroyed.
I work in a maternity unit and despite the fact that statistically at least 50% of the women have girls, it hurts every time, especially the families that don't seem to deserve any kids let alone a girl.
My arch nemesis ( aka my boss) is 32 weeks pregnant after one boy. Don't know what it is yet but I know I will be very angry if she gets a girl and I don't.
The other day I came out of the supermarket with my kids being their normal loud selves and some crazy old lady tells me "someone has to raise the boys". Yeah, like I chose this!
I really hope for your sake that you get your girl, but if not, you get a really wonderful one instead.

Adia
January 11th, 2013, 12:18 PM
little_quickstepper, I am glad your DH is so supportive, that makes all the difference, doesn't it? My DH was devastated, just like I was when we found out about DD3, but he got over it and makes a point to tell people how much he loves being daddy to three girls.

Gender disappointment can spoil so much but you will find a way to get your heart's desire. Hang in there and remember a lot of us, like me, know how you feel. Hugs....

RKT Mama - how do you do it? Working in a maternity ward with GD? You have some strong nerves!! I hope you have a girl in there! Next time, stick your tongue out at the crazy old ladies with the unwanted comments.

RKT Mama
January 13th, 2013, 07:33 PM
Adia- I have worked in Maternity units since before I had kids ( or GD). One thing it teaches you is perspective. GD can make you feel like you are the only person in the world that has 2/3/4/5 kids of the same gender or something bad happening but I see so many stories where good things happen to good people and bad things happen to good people. Or terrible parents land up with healthy babies but also get sick, deformed or dead babies. The world is not fair but its also not aimed just at any one person. I have to deal with my own demons.
That said I tried to convince a mum that didn't want her baby girl to give her to me a few years back. She gave her to another family in the end and that was really hard to watch.

little_quickstepper
January 14th, 2013, 07:35 AM
Wow, seeing anyone give their baby away must be hard to watch.

RKT Mama
January 14th, 2013, 05:57 PM
I think adoptions are pretty amazing, it's an incredible sacrifice to make. The ones I hate are the babies that are uplifted by CYF ( our version of Child Protective services) and the mothers are left screaming and banging on doors while the baby is taken away. Even if you know it is best for the baby.

Adia
January 15th, 2013, 03:08 PM
I still think you have some seriously strong nerves and constitution to be anywhere near all of that RKT Mama.

And I do agree, you see both the good, bad, and the ugly and you know full well that the heartache of life isn't aimed at any one person, even if it feels that way.

My hat is off to you girl!!!:cheer:

HopingWishingPraying
January 16th, 2013, 10:35 AM
Thank you for all the responses, sorry I havent been back to this thread for a while. Little quickstepper I really feel for you. I think the reactions you have had (initial shock, needing to take some time out from your kids, making plans for the future) are all very normal responses for someone who is going through real grief. I went through all the same things when I found out my full on IG sway for DS 3 had not worked. It is a horrible way to feel and so hard that it often feels there is no way out of it. I heard a phrase recently which was "dont let comparison steal your joy" and I am actively trying that at the moment... it is hard... but I am trying not to let comparing my family to others steal the joy of what I already have (which is wonderful). It is working a bit. In regards to your question about me finding out the gender, I simply just cant. The simple thought of going through the post-scan experience I had with my DS3 sends me into absolute panic attacks. There is no way I can be brave enough to walk into a scanning room and willingly put myself through that again. Luckily I really love newborns and babies and am generally very very happy when I do have a newborn so I am hoping that having a beautiful baby in my arms will help me if this is a boy (I am sure it will be). I am trying to prepare myself for that eventuality as much as possible. I found out at birth with DS2 and ultrasound withDS3 and found birth much easier (although I am aware that it gets harder with every baby that is closer to the "end of the line" with no baby of one's DG. I hope that things get easier for you. After finding out about DS3 the next 12 weeks were pure hell for me - it got a bit easier after that and a lot easier when he was in my arms. I hope it gets easier for you soon. You are in my thoughts.

RKT I feel for you and know what you are going through with someone you dont like potentially getting your DG. I often feel that certain people I hear of (who mistreat their children etc) were unworthy of getting a girl and I feel totally ripped off. I often feel like the universe gave them "my girl". One thing I have started doing to turn that thought around is asking myself- if I am wishing that the universe gave me her baby... how would I feel about that if that meant my baby boy was given to her instead. Obviously I can never stand to think of someone I strongly dislike "getting" one of my boys and I end up thinking it is better that I have the babies I was given. It sounds totally and utterly naff, but as a coping strategy it is one that seems to work for me and stops me thinking too much about how other people have "stolen" my girl out of the universe somehow. You must be a strong person to work in a maternity unit with GD. I also work with babies and it ishard to constantly see other people getting what you desire so much. When you say that you are too scared to go to your anatomy scan... are you still planning on going? Are you going to ask to find out the gender? I am not getting a 12 week scan because I am too scared of seeing a boy nub but havent yet formulated my coping strategies for getting through the 20 week anatomy scan... gulp! Knowing myself very well, I am sure even if I dont see anything I will convince myself somehow that I accidentally saw boy bits. I am trying to prepare myself for the anxiety. I would like to not look at the screen at all but it would look very strange to the sonographer!

RKT Mama
January 16th, 2013, 02:48 PM
I will have anatomy scan. I think it is important to know if baby has major abnormalities as our hospital is not set up for very sick babies. I am not sure I will ask for the sex. If I see something I know I am interpreting it rather than the sonographer so I could be wrong and I can keep hoping.
Would like to know if it is a girl as I have everything for a boy but less for a girl.
A few things like the pink baby hammock would be better set up in advance if I could.
I can't handle my DH being lovely and sweet and supportive which he will be and as I will only have one scan unless there is a problem, I can't avoid him coming along.
But I have access to an ultrasound machine at work, although I have no training, so I am going to try work it out so I have time to process. So far trying to not find a penis is a bit challenging but will see how it goes.

HopingWishingPraying
January 18th, 2013, 10:06 AM
Best of luck RKT Mama, I hope you see a healthy pink bundle in there!

mumof6
February 4th, 2013, 07:27 PM
i know how you feel here too
i have six boys and is just absolutely heart wrenching when we find out our friends and family are having girls and we have all these boys
people dont seem to get it they are heartless and cruel to the point i feel like i want nothing to do with their children either and tend to hold myself back from them
i just cant bring myself to be happy or cheery for them because to be quite honest i feel resentful that it's so easy for them to have a girl but yet after six kids we havent even got one. i know that sounds awful and i must really sound like a bitch but i cant help how i feel


we have swayed hard got boys, not swayed and got boys so we are doing a very light sway this time and i am sure it will be another boy when i finally do get pg.
we are on our 12th cycle and still no pregnancy which is strange for us as i always get pregnant within the first 3 months of ttc.
we love our boys and wouldnt change them but i cant seem to let go of the thought of having my own little girl one day - i'm just fooling myself i know but if it doesnt work this one last time i'm done.
we arent finding out as i dont think i can cope with hearing it's a boy or seeing boy parts on US but i do know at birth hearing "it's a boy" and seeing the baby it will be different. i have very strong GD when i was preg with my fifth son and as soon as he was born it all changed and he absolutely made me melt

it makes me sick to think that it seems everyone else can have a balanced family but us!! all i want is one girl and that is all i have ever wanted
i have never expressed my feelings to anyone but my husband and on here and when people ask me if i want a girl or are we going to try for a girl i say politely "no, we are happy with boys"

wow i sound like i'm completely crazy dont i lol

pebmcpd7
February 8th, 2013, 04:06 AM
i know how you feel here too
i have six boys and is just absolutely heart wrenching when we find out our friends and family are having girls and we have all these boys
people dont seem to get it they are heartless and cruel to the point i feel like i want nothing to do with their children either and tend to hold myself back from them
i just cant bring myself to be happy or cheery for them because to be quite honest i feel resentful that it's so easy for them to have a girl but yet after six kids we havent even got one. i know that sounds awful and i must really sound like a bitch but i cant help how i feel


we have swayed hard got boys, not swayed and got boys so we are doing a very light sway this time and i am sure it will be another boy when i finally do get pg.
we are on our 12th cycle and still no pregnancy which is strange for us as i always get pregnant within the first 3 months of ttc.
we love our boys and wouldnt change them but i cant seem to let go of the thought of having my own little girl one day - i'm just fooling myself i know but if it doesnt work this one last time i'm done.
we arent finding out as i dont think i can cope with hearing it's a boy or seeing boy parts on US but i do know at birth hearing "it's a boy" and seeing the baby it will be different. i have very strong GD when i was preg with my fifth son and as soon as he was born it all changed and he absolutely made me melt

it makes me sick to think that it seems everyone else can have a balanced family but us!! all i want is one girl and that is all i have ever wanted
i have never expressed my feelings to anyone but my husband and on here and when people ask me if i want a girl or are we going to try for a girl i say politely "no, we are happy with boys"

wow i sound like i'm completely crazy dont i lol

Ditto mum of 6!!