Would a DG at #5 actually "balance" the family?

[little_quickstepper]

Hi everyone,

I haven't been on the introductions forum but I thought I'd be more relevant here. I am currently 14 weeks pregnant - had my NT scan last week and the scan technician, who is very experienced, asked me whether I wanted a gender guess. I did, and she said confidently, "it's a boy", then looked again from a different angle, chuckled, and said, "yep, it's a boy." So that's probably DS4 on his way, my third pregnancy (DS2 and DS3 are twins!). We had tried Shettles with the twins but had mistimed it... I didn't know anything back then. With this current pregnancy we had done a committed sway, drunk more milk than we ever thought possible, home cooked everything to eliminate salt, timed it, sudafed, almost everything except TBM.

Some days I am OK with GD, if I keep busy, other days it gets overwhelming to the point where my DH has to steer me past the baby girls' clothes section to buy clothes for our older boys. My eldest, DS1, came with me to the scan because he wanted to see the computers, but he had been freely and sweetly expressing that he really wanted it to be a girl, and who can blame him, he's got two very naughty little brothers and when you're that age, you don't see that they're cute, just annoying and they fight. He is so good with them but DH is shocked that even DS1 has GD!!! ... and DS1 asked me, "But *I* don't think your tummy only makes boy babies, Mummy, you could grow another one!" I had to say to him, "Oh J-, I wish Mummy could keep having babies to see whether they turn out to be girls, but I can't!"

The day after my scan I felt so emotional and weepy, and gutted that for all I know I might as well not have done the sway and put myself through all that stressing and horrid diet. I started looking at HT and wishing that I had just done that. I thought I had partly protected myself from too much GD by choosing a really nice name for our DS4 in advance, but GD thoughts still creep back in. Having been through the sway with me, DH can read my mind. I was a bit shocked, though, when I told him about HT and how IVF/PGD works and how it gives you 99.9% DG (barring human error), and in principle he agreed and said, yes, it's good to know at least we have that option.

The idea of going HT and having guaranteed girl baby or no more babies has kept me going this past week. But now I'm thinking in detail, both about the logistics, timing, etc and whether it's really right for our family. I am freaking out about the idea of 5.

I would love to hear from ladies who have had 3 or 4 (or more!!) DSs and then gone on to have a DD! (either naturally or HT). Or the other way around... are there boys out there with a carful of older sisters? Does it really balance the family or does the girl feel left out because there's so much boy stuff around? I'm really worried that it would be a really lopsided family, more so than families of all one gender who can just do one thing (do the boy thing or do the girl thing). I think same gender families have so much cool identity, and I'm planning to announce this baby with a really loud, "Hey!! We've got that barber-shop quartet we always wanted, yay!" or something incredibly fake and cheery like that, to stop the comments. Also, I would barely be able to stand the comments of "Aaah, they kept going until they got their girl". Mind you, I hate the comments full stop. But I can't let go of the girly dream. The evil GD demon has me in its grip.

Not even thinking of what we're going to do about a car! DH only ever wanted 2, he was a PP and so was his mother before that!! I wish I could talk to my departed grandmother - she was one of 13, and she had 3 boys, then 2 girls, then another boy!

:DS: DS1 (2007)
very tiny :broken: (2009)
:DS: :DS: DS2&3 twins (2010)
Swayed for a :DD: but probably :DS: DS4 (due July 2013)
Now wondering about HT

[Yuzu]

I'm in your same position. I just had my fourth boy. I was thinking about high tech for a fourth, then I changed my mind and decided to sway again. I'm just hoping that if I do get a girl she can live with having four older brothers! For me it's not a matter of family balancing, it's more of a desire to have a child of each sex. That may be selfish on my part; I don't know. I do know that I have a strong desire for a daughter and I have one last try.

[KidAtHeart]

Well, I did try HT for a girl - but it didn't work. Never made it to the retrieval stage. And my head was okay to stop and move forward. But my heart never really got the message. I saw several friends try for that last baby... most got their desired gender, some did not... but the idea that they pursued their dreams really took ahold of me. I never intended to have four children, but here I am, pregnant with the fourth! I haven't found out yet what I'm having (husband wants to, me, not so sure, I don't want the 20 weeks of knowing it's a boy bc I definitely feel like it is - or maybe I'm just convincing myself that it's a boy... who knows). Anyway, all I really know is that this child wanted to be a part of our family. We left a very narrow window of natural conception (two tries, that's it) - I was about to go get an IUD put in. So I keep telling myself that even if it's a boy, this is where my path led me and I can honestly say that there are no regrets. I did everything I possibly could. I hope that if it's a boy my GD won't be too bad this time around.

Not sure if this answers your question but your post struck a chord with me so I had to reply. A child will fit into your family no matter what its make up is.

[hotdogz&boyz]

I think it depends on what you are "balancing" in the family. Sure, the family will be quite "boy heavy" but the term balance doesn't necessarily mean equal. When I hear someone wanting to balance their family, it makes me think they are desiring to have the influence of an "opposite sex" child in their home. Not necessarily that she will even out the score of 4 boys. Just that she will bring some other perspectives to the home and therefore the house would be less polar. KWIM?

I do think that one gender families are cool. And it IS possible the girl would feel left out. But more likely, someone would mesh with her personality and she wouldn't feel that way. I think it's less to do with gender and more with personality. My good friend has three boys, her middle of which loves ALL things girl. Here she has a "single gender family" and ends up with two train-lovers and one who can't get enough of princesses and dresses. So even then, there is no guarantee on not having some balance in the family. Each child will bring something different to the table, girl or boy.

BUT, obviously if I am on this website, I feel the desire to parent both genders. Mine has always been more of a slight longing than a true deep desire, so I can say that if we hit number four (our number) and had four boys, I probably would be okay with stopping. At least most of the time. I believe my GD was minor compared to those I have heard who suffer much worse. But only you can determine if your desire to parent a girl is strong enough to want to try high tech. It is a guarantee of a girl IF you get pregnant, which is not always straight and easy. So I think it's a very tough decision to make, whether to risk the time, money, and emotional investment in something that might not succeed. But if that desire for a girl is strong enough, go for it. I doubt your girl would regret being in a family with a bunch of big brothers...at least not until she got to dating age ;)

[little_quickstepper]

Thanks, hotdogz&boyz, you've made me remember what I knew deep down already... but in my confused state have just plain forgotten... what I have loved so far about bringing up my 3 boys is finding out their personality differences and getting to know them as real people. That part of motherhood is addictive and if it didn't tire out my poor body so much I would probably have 10 or more kids! lol :fight::running::hug2:

You're right, it totally depends on what personality type the girl will be as to what "niche" she will find in the family.

I am going over so much analysis in my mind, probably because of fear of the future, the unknown. Actually my biggest fear which has been putting me off HT right now is simply the big needles and having to inject yourself with meds!!

But I'm amusing myself with fantasising that I could have IVF girl twins. After twin boys (natural, first time I had GD *plus* twin shock!!), that would be kinda cool. Especially as the current plan is not to tell A SOUL (apart from this lovely group, obviously) that we will do HT. So then I would have 6 kids and would probably pass out at that point!

I realise the risk with HT is very real that I'll come home empty handed. But, KidAtHeart, you're right too, I want to feel that I'd have done everything possible to experience a DD and to live my life with as few regrets as possible.

[hotdogz&boyz]

^^That last sentence is the essence of your posts. Don't let fear stop you from doing what you know you won't regret. Doing all you can is a great place to start and if you have the means...do HT.

Don't let the injectables scare you. I inject myself every day of my pregnancies (and 6 weeks after) with anticoagulants. I truthfully never would have thought I could do that either. But when my RE said that I was having so many miscarriages due to a blood clotting issue and the treatment was daily injections for the entire pregnancy...I didn't even bat an eye. And for something like HT, I think you can rise to the occasion as well. Just keep in mind the fabulous prize waiting for you at the end :)

[Claire33]

A girl would not balance my family, as balance means equal sides (or something). My family will always be boy heavy, and in some way I'm not sure I would want to do that to a little girl. She will always long for a sister I'm sure. My family will never be balanced, and sometimes I think it will be more balanced with 4 boys than 3 boys and a girl IYKWIM.

I also spoke to a woman the other day who has one son and two daughters, which used to be more or less my dream family. She said her son is always left out, which made me sooooo happy that my sons will have 2 brothers to play with and share interests, and have that male bond with forever. But if I have a girl, she will feel the same way, feel left out. I might not ever have a girl, and I guess in many ways it would be great for the 4th to be another boy.

[fish2012]

this worries me too and there's only 15 months between my ds's so even worse they are now virtually twins! i'm praying i'm preggie with twin girls cause i don't think i can do more kids emotionally or finiacially but if i do finally get my dd she'll be 27 moths younger than ds2 (i know not that much but double the boys gap) will see be left out will i want to try again to give her a sister? I doubted having number 3 at some points but the question i think is which will you regret more never having your dd or having a family of x size......if you can afford go for it! i think if i did it again i'd only do ht and my dh doesn't agree with it.......fx for this one!

[zibibbogirl]

I have three boys and did HT for my little girl. I think Hotdogz is right when she talks about balance. The word balance might have the connotation that we expect one girl to provide a perfect balance to a family that is already boy heavy, but it won't do that. What it actually does is give us the opportunity to insert some opposite gender influence into the family.

I often wonder about the same gender siblings leaving the opposite gender sibling out too. I have the (maybe crazy) idea that my little girl will be protected by a band of brothers. That said, I don't want her to be a spoiled little princess because she is the only girl.

My situation is a bit unique too because I have two older boys (10 and 8) and one younger one (turning two when our DD arrives). So the two older boys will probably gravitate towards each other and the younger two will probably gravitate towards each other, simply because of their interest in things that are appropriate to their age. But I can see why some people who have three boys close in age might worry that the boys won't want to play with a little sister.

I think one gender families are cool too, but I always wanted the opportunity to raise at least one of each and by doing HT and being one of the lucky ones, I can now provide the boys with an opportunity to grow up in a family with a sister as well as brothers. This was very important to me.

The decision to do HT was an easy one for me, I knew I had to give it a chance and at least know I had done everything I could to have a DD. It is expensive emotionally and financially and I knew if I failed, we would have tried a sway (because DH and I agreed one 4 kids). If I had another boy, I would have had to find a way to move on but that is a lot easier said than done.

[little_quickstepper]

zibibbogirl, congrats on your DD and successful HT attempt! I hope you have a calm and healthy pregnancy. I'm 16 weeks atm so just behind you. We'll have lovely summer babies!

Where did you cycle?

[zibibbogirl]

I am an Aussie, so I will have a winter baby, but all my others have been too (two June, two July) so everything I have from them that isn't blue, will fit nicely. It would be lovely to have a Summer baby and take her for walks etc but I will be snuggled up at home again.

I cycled at home in Australia. Gender selection is actually banned here but like other Aussie ladies on the HT boards, I found a sneaky way around it. If that had not been possible, my back up plan was to cycle with Dr Potter at Huntington Reproductive Center in the USA. I am kind of disappointed I didn't go to the USA in a way, because I was looking forward to a Californian holiday. My DH has promised when our DD gets to a reasonable age we will go to Disneyland etc with all the children, with the money we saved by cycling at home.

I am sorry that it appears your sway for a girl has not worked. You never know at this point though, sonographers can get it wrong. But if your DS4 is on his way, I know you will fall in love with him from the moment he arrives. I was so in love with my DS3, and although I don't have a favourite, we are definitely the closest. Your last little boy will be the most precious thing. I really hope you can add your little girl into the mix.

And don't worry about the comments. The one thing I have learned from the ladies on these boards is that everybody gets them, regardless of their family make up. Even people with a pigeon pair get the "oh how perfect" comments. The girl mums get "oh your poor DH, no son" and the all boy mums like us get "oh you must have your hands full with all boys". I have not had anyone say anything negative about this pregnancy, but even if they do, I now realise it is strangers and acquaintances who are just trying to think of something to say most of the time.

[little_quickstepper]

Of course, it never crossed my mind that July is a winter month for you! It gets pretty cold in winter here though (UK) - windy, icy and we had snow a couple of weeks ago.

You're right with the comments on the whole, I think most people just have to think of something to say with their "congratulations" and they have to embellish it. Thinking back, the most hurtful comments I have received in the past were from family members. Like, my sister, who now has 2 DD's (at the time she only had DD1) saying, "Urgh, boys are so *icky*, they spread their bogies (boogers) all over the telly and they're just happy to sit in their dirty nappies, my DD just *loves* to be clean..." And my SIL, who said, "You should keep your legs crossed from now on!" and "PROMISE me you won't have any MORE kids?!!" (I mean, wtf?)

[zibibbogirl]

Your sister doesn't know much about boys. I have never had one of mine spread boogies on the telly. And DS3 will let me know loud and clear as soon as he requires changing. People have such strange assumptions don't they?

As for your SIL I would make a deal with her. I would tell her I will keep my legs closed if she can do the same with her mouth! Lol. Only joking of course, but some people think they are so funny.

[Claire33]

As for your SIL I would make a deal with her. I would tell her I will keep my legs closed if she can do the same with her mouth! Lol.

:rofl:

[little_quickstepper]

:rofl:

The irony is, I don't think *her* DH gets either end, the legs or the mouth, if you KWIM!!
:rofl:
Sorry, TMI!! :hide:

[zibibbogirl]

The irony is, I don't think *her* DH gets either end, the legs or the mouth, if you KWIM!!
:rofl:
Sorry, TMI!! :hide:

Ha! I just worked out what you meant, LOL!

[jas1828]

Very interesting thread, I have 4 boys including a set of twins and am very strongly thinking about HT :)