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[void]

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[Thorz300]

I am so sorry for your pain......I am not a grandmother, but I have already sensed that I will feel the way you described when I am a grandmother. Friends and family know I am sad that I don't have a girl and they always say...."well, you will have and love granddaughters!!!" My response has always been (and you confirmed it)....It is not the same thing. Grandchildren are GENERALLY closer to their maternal grandparents for the fact that the kids are always with their mother and their mom will go visit her mom way more often than her mother in law. My boys LOVE my mom and get so excited to see her. They love DH mother too, but not in the same way. When we used to live near both grandma's I took the kids to see my mother in law and she came to greet the boys at the car and to my horror, my 2 year old started crying kicking and screaming...."I want to see gammy (my mom) not Nana!!" I felt so awful for my mother in law. She said, "Oh it's ok honey you can see gammy next" but I know it killed her.
With that said, I am sure you are a wonderful grandmother, but I must mention that it can also depend on what kind of grandparent a person is. My mother in law loves my boys for about 10 minutes when we get to her house, then moves on with doing her own thing. My mother on the other hand is on the floor playing with them, taking them on walks, and scavenger hunts, at night she turns all the lights off and the gather together on the floor with a flashlight, shine it on the wall and make shadow ducks, dogs, and airplanes project on the wall. She is just way more involved with the kids and they prefer her because of it.

But still, I fear no matter how hard I try or how good of a grandmother I am, kids are most often naturally closer to their maternal grandmother. I wish it wasn't this way and I am so sorry for you. I know I shouldn't be thinking of this already, but I know I will be right where you are some day! I am so sorry!

[thehappypixi]

That is so upsetting to read :( It's a fear of many of us here, I think the grandchild issue is a fairly big one to me too. I know how differently I treat my mother and mother in law when it comes to my children, not in a nasty way, I love my mother in law, I just naturally go to my mum, it's only natural.
Thankfully myself I am quite a Tom boy and I love to do everything with my boys and can't wait till they are older to go camping and playing outdoors :D
I still hope for a girl, and I'm going to try my damnedest. Fortunately I am not religious, Im putting it all down to science and luck.

[hotdogz&boyz]

I am so sorry :( I think what you are experiencing is a very real fear for many of the women on here. You have certainly hit on what was my biggest fear about not having a daughter. Have you considered being a "big sister" to a girl in your area. It sounds like I might help a bit, being able to incorporate a bit of pink in your life. Not saying (at all) that it will replace the loss of not having a daughter. Or will even allow you to experience a wedding or birth from a maternal sense. But it could let you enjoy shopping, manicures, and doing hair while giving a little girl who needs a good role model a place to feel pampered and doted upon.

I believe my aunt, who has two sons, is having similar issues because her daughter-in-laws are not very loving or forthcoming with her. And my aunt is a fabulous person. So I do think that sometimes it can be the best people being shut out.

[alreadyneedivf]

I just wanted to add that it could change. I grew up closer to my paternal grandparents, as they lived closer to me. Also, now my son is very close with my DH's parents. They come in twice a month, FaceTime all the time, and buy him all of his clothing. They saw him just as soon as my parents did when he was born. Since having my sons, my relationship with my MIL seriously has become like mother/daughter. Yes, she has her own daughter, but I talk to her more often than her own daughter. Just because you do not have that type of relationship with this grandkid, does not mean that you may not have it with another one.

[Claire33]

This is a very sad post and definitely my biggest fear. I have therefore decided to do the following (when I have adult sons in many many years to come):

1. I am going to be the best, most loving, caring, fun grandmother I can be to the grandkids. My mother plays with the kids, initiates games and outings. My MIL waits for the kids to come to her. Believe me, my MIL is a much nicer person than my own mom, but she sits with her knitting or a book and when the kids ask to play she will, but she won't initiate any activities (she thinks it's best for kids to come to her, I see that it just doesn't work).

2. I am going to OFFER to take care of my grandkids, and help my sons & DILs when necessary. One of the greatest thing of grandparents is the help you can get. My mother offers her help, my MIL waits for us to ask. Of course we say yes to the offers of help, rather than ask for help. If my MIL was better at offering to help/babysit, she would probably be seeing the kids more often. My own mother is not as kind to my kids as my MIL, but since she offers her help more often, she gets to see them more often.

3. I am not going to compete with my DILs own mother. My DILs is entitled to having her own mother and being close to her own mother. I will try not to get hurt if she favours her own mother, because you just can't compete, you might as well give up and get out of the competition since it's a losing battle anyway. I have my sons, THEY are my children, and I will strive to be close to THEM. I will also try to be close with my DILs, but I will to my best not to be hurt if they prefer their own mothers. I will just be happy with what I get rather than unhappy with what I don't get.

4. I will not be critical to the upbringing of my grandkids. It's just none of my business, I am here only to support my son and DIL.

5. I can do activities with my sons that we both enjoy. Ok, no manicures, but maybe a movie? Maybe a lunch or a coffee? Maybe one of my sons will like to cook? I personally don't do anything like this with my own mother. Not all mothers and daughters are close or have shared interests.

6. I will accept that teenage boys might be more distant from their mothers for a while, 5 years or so?? That's ok. Maybe girls hate their own mothers at this age and will be in active conflict rather than ignore their mothers like boys do? Ok, I won't be able to share all of their interests, but that's fine. I will probably become more close to my sons when they become fathers themselves, just like if I had had a daughter and she became a mother. I will try and show as much interest in their male interests as possible. Also focusing on their education and encouraging them is very important.

7. OK, I might not ever be able to be there during a birth, but that's ok, birth sucks anyway :rofl:

8. Even if I'll be second best after my DILs own mother, I will be the best d*** second best I can be.

9. My sons will know that I love them, their partners and their kids unconditionally, no matter what. I will do everything I can to accept my DILs, even if they are very different from me and used to different ways of parenting or housekeeping. My way is not always the best.

10. I will invite them over for dinner and other activities regularly. I will also have a big enough house for them to stay over and have toys and keep it clean, so that they all want to be there. Obviously no smoking or other disgusting habits!

11. I will build up my own life and hobbies next to my kids and grandkids. I will work, travel and have fun with my DH and girlfriends. My life and happiness will not depend on my kids.

These things help me think of how I will deal with future issues with grandkids and DILs. I will have to accept that I won't ever have the "ideal" mother daughter relationship. Even having a daughter won't guarantee this. I don't have this with my own mother AT ALL. I will accept "my place", whatever this will be, take it with grace, and you never know, I might end up being a substitute mother to one of my DILs who might not have a great relationship with their own mother.

[nuthinbutpink]

PHENOMINAL post, Claire!

Things do change. My in laws are fab and offer to help anytime. My parents are usually "busy". Keep being there, available and you can play a huge role in your grandchildrens' lives.

[thehappypixi]

Ahhhh great post. I echo everything you say!
I guess for me, the bigger fear is that I won't get any grand kiddies lol! My brother is galavanting in Australia and looks like never settling, and my uncle left and had a family in New Zealand. So to me, the men in my family don't stick around :( That's my big fear of an all boy family :(

[mrs magoo]

Great plan and post Claire!

[jark22]

Claire- you are awesome! You just took the words straight out of my mouth!

[jark22]

I also want to say- with regard to what Claire said- that I should hope all women with sons that they should strive to have a relationship with their sons (as Claire stated). I think a lot of times women with boys and girls form a stronger subconscious bond with their girls because it's easier. Many women who have girls or find out they are having a girl breathe a sigh of relief because they know they will have that type of relationship with at least one child. But it's important to have that same kind of relationship with all of your children - regardless of gender. You should be the same type of mother to your boys as you would to your girls. You should be the same type of grandma to your sons' kids as you will be to your daughters' kids. Find activities to do with each of your kids based on their interests not just based on their gender. A lot of life is what we make of it. Just because you will never be a maternal grandma is no reason to sit on the sidelines as a paternal grandma.

Sorry if this is jumbled or doesn't make sense. I am preggo with my third boy and maybe a little more emotional about this topic than I would normally be. I just refuse to believe that my life will be any less than it would have been if this baby was a girl. My boys are awesome and I am determined to do everything I can to maintain a good, close relationship with each one of them.

[my4leafclover]

I understand how you feel void. I really hate when people try to comfort me by saying something about being a grandparent to a granddaughter some day. It is not the same. What ever it may b, however special it will not take away completely this gd.

[Claire33]

Void - you should remember that your DIL is only a child, she is 18 (?) years old and your son is not much older. She is still in her mother's lap and your son kind of has to go with the flow. They are in a crisis situation and your DIL goes where she's been going for 18 years, her own mom. It's ok! I totally understand that you were hurt when gramdma was chosen to babysit over you. I would have been hurt too. But it's important to say to your son that you would love to babysit and please ask again. Let them know that you're there for them at any time, and even suggest a specific day that you could babysit. Or a specific day every week that you can take the baby for a few hours. Invite them over for dinner so they don't have to cook themselves that day.

Talking on FB and cooking together with a daughter, I severely doubt this is the case when the daughter is 18. I can only assume such a relationship comes when the daughter matures more. The same with a son. You have become a grandmother in a crisis situation. It's not the same as becoming a paternal grandmother when your son and DIL are 30 and have everything in their lives in order. You might get to have another experience next time you become a grandmother, if your son and DIL are older, or with your other sons.

Have you asked your son how he is doing? Have you tried to be close to him instead of focusing on what you don't have (ie. a daughter)? Have you tried to make a pizza with your younger sons, had a movie night with them and made nachos and popcorn? I mean there are so many things you can do to have a close relationship with them. Even if it isn't the same as with a daughter, it might be better in some ways. They say the mother-son relationship is less complicated than the mother-daughter relationship. My mom and I are not close, she is just too critical and negative. You don't have a guarantee that you would have been close to a daughter.

My aunt has no kids and is very sad about that. She doesn't have any sons or daughters to give her grandkids. She will always and forever be "alone" and sad that she never had ANY kids. I guess I'm just happy that I have kids and hopefully will get some grandkids. Ok, nothing is perfect, but at least I'm not sad in the way my aunt is, who has no children at all.

THehappypixi - I can understand fears about sons moving abroad or far away. I just think ok, then all the better reason to travel and make trips (I love traveling). But of course, having someone there day to day is good. But girls also move away too. I just think the more kids I get, the higher chance of having grandkids and at least one of my kids will live close by :D

[thehappypixi]

Yes maybe if I have a couple more, the odds of one sticking around are greater.
I know it's all just pie in the sky stuff, I have a very long list (I actually made one!) of reasons Id like a girl. My boys are my children first and foremost, they are my world :D

My husband is the one who stuck around out of his siblings, we live 5 mins from his mum, his two sisters and their hord of girls live down south. So I know in my head its not always the case that boys leave :) We are also 5 mins from his dads mum, and I often take the boys to see her, so don't forget great grand kiddies too! ;D

[coocoobananas]

My parents dote on my brother and my sister and I feel somewhat left out because we are the girls!! I am very close with my mom but I actually think its cause I'm the baby! Not at all that I'm a girl!
I for some reason have never been afraid of not having a close relationship with my boys, like at all! There's the 'mamas boy' but I haven't heard of 'mamas girl' ;)
We just can't have expectations of what our relationships will be, they are all individuals, their sex does not determine how they will love us! My 2 boys are so different in so many ways and I know out if 3, I will defiantly be super close to one if not all... They have no choice really;)

[Pangea]

This is what I am afraid of, and is the main reason I want a daughter - for an adult mother daughter relationship and maternal grandchildren.

However, in my case my children are closer to their paternal grandparents because we live closer to them. My DH has an excellent relationship with his mother and talks to her nearly every day.
My MIL doesn't have a great relationship with her daughter. It would break my heart if I had a daughter who treated me the way my SIL treats her. I have a closer relationship with MIL than SIL does.

I know that my situation is the exception rather than the rule, but it does go to show that there are no guarantees. You could have a daughter who you don't get on with, who has no children, or who moves to the other side of the world.

If I never have a daughter I will be very disappointed. But I think if I end up with 3 or 4 sons then there is a good chance that at least one of them will be close to me as an adult.

I think Claires advice is excellent.

[sbmommy]

I also have a very good relationship with my MIL, and she was actually present at the birth of DD1 when my own mother was not! I wanted my mom to be present, but it was just as important to my DH that his mom was there too, that I agreed. And she was the only one that made it in time! She will probably be there to watch DD2 when she is born this March, if she wants to be.

I think we get along so well and she sees my DD so often because she does so many of the things on Claire's list. She is always supportive and never pushy, and never tries to give me advice on how I should parent my own kids. She also calls us a couple of times a month and asks us if we would like to have a date night, and offers to babysit. She also arranges lunches and "cookies with the grandkids" days, so she gets to see a lot of her grandkids pretty often.

My DH is her youngest baby boy (he is 42) so she has grandkids ranging from 23 years old down to 2 (my DD1 is her youngest grandkid, the next youngest is 9 years old) so I guess she has had a lot of years of practice being a grandma, and I think she learned the hard way years ago on what works as far as trying to be involved in her grandkids' lives. My DH has 2 older sisters who do not have great relationships with my MIL, and she lost out on some years of her grandkids' lives (my SILs have 6 kids between them, almost all girls).

I guess my point is you have time, lots of time to grow into your role as grandma, and you may end up being really close to one of your DILs, and even end up doing lots of girly things with granddaughters! My MIL sure didn't have this experience with her first grandkids, but she definitely has it now.

One thing my MIL has always had is a wonderful relationship with her son, my DH. They have been very close for most of his adult life (after his wild teens and early twenties) and they talk and/or see each other almost every day. Their relationship is one of the biggest reasons why I am suffering such painful GD and mourning my own inability to have a son. I so desperately want my own "Mama's Boy" to love, honor, and protect me for his entire life, to compare every woman he ever meets to (I swear, if I have to hear one more time about how wonderful my MIL cooks, and how amazing she was raising 4 kids all on her own while FIL worked day and night, how much cleaner her house is, how strong and positive a woman she is... I will never live up to my MIL in my husdband's eyes)... I hated my own mother during high school and all through my twenties. At 38, I am just now starting to develop a friendship with her. I am afraid I will lose my daughters when they are teens, too, and I won't have a strong mother/daughter relationship either! Women with sons aren't the only women who have this fear.

[fish2012]

claire i am stealing you plan!

void - please consider maybe with the help of your dh he sounds lovely if there are things you can do to improve the situation. My boys are closer to my MIL than my mother (don't tell her she thinks mother mother rules ;-0) the reasons are i think 1. geographical, 2. fun 3.naughty treats mainly icecream, 4. more relaxed disapline (not sure if that's good) 4. suggesting fun day trips 5.looking after boys whilst i work and attending church together. Could you offer child care/lifts to school/a grannie saturday.....

As clare says my mil is geniuinly a nicer person i will try and be like her - however i think she worries about offering help or impossing now i have two kids i don't care i ask her for help!

i will say to my DIL i wanted a girl so much i am sorry if i crowd you but i won't act like the mil with my grandkids i will just be the best grandparent i can be - I know can't and don't want to replace your mother but I will offer my help, love and support - if i'm too much have my son tell me (or my dh ;-)

good luck void you've made me sad cause i thought what you've said would be true but you've made me more deterimed to make sure i may the best of the situation starting now!

:hugs: to you all thank you that you all share it gives us all strength xx

[pebmcpd7]

thankyou ladies
you all sound so caring and loving thanks for your understanding.Your posts made me cry.

Never thought of this before, and it is scaring me thinking of this down the road!!

[luckylass]

Another one here who is close to her MIL. I have two boys who adore both nana (my mum) and nanny (dh's mum) and love spending time with both. My MIL has her own daughter but I have always included her in what I am doing and when we got married she came with me to pick my wedding cake, looked at dresses with me and I went with her to look at outfits for her to wear to the wedding. Now I love my own mum to bit but do my MIL too as she always offers to help and is always there for us without us feeling under a compliment to ask. My SIL on the other hand is not close to her mother at all so it is hard to generalise. All you can do is be the type of grandmother you want to be and if you show you are there for them (not saying you don't) but I bet they will be thrilled and love you so much for it.

[little_quickstepper]

void, just a thought: would you be a *better* MIL to your current DIL if you had had a daughter? From my personal experience, and I come with a LOT of in-law baggage, you have to work at these in-law relationships.

My MIL has a pigeon pair, a DD and a DS (my DH). That side of the family come from a culture where the mother-daughter relationship is *so* important that it defines who will carry on that culture for the next generation, as in the old days you could never prove paternity. She and her DD are close, yes, and have a fairly good mother-daughter bond but she has never particularly worked at her relationship with me, her only DIL. Maybe she's never seen the need for it. I am from a very different culture and whilst my DH and I fell in love despite the differences in our upbringing, my MIL has never adapted to even asking me what I like to eat, what it was like for me growing up, what things are important to me... let alone go shopping, go for a manicure or a coffee or anything. My own mother died when I was 12 (another complex reason in my desire for a DD, I want to experience the bond that the universe took from under my feet all those years ago, that I had started with my own mother and then could never continue). So although I don't exactly want a replacement mother figure, there is room on my MIL's part for just getting to know me as a person. She just sees me as the bearer of "another boy". She is over at her DD's all the time, has been hassling her for years to have a kid, and my SIL has just gotten pregnant with her first through IVF at age 39. My FIL has openly said to my DH, his son, "Your mum and I just both *know* deep down that she (my SIL) will have a girl." I feel sorry for my boys, because they adore my MIL as she's the only grandmother they've got, and she does spoil them when she sees them but I'm afraid of them being sidelined in the future for her own DD's kid(s) when they arrive.

Maybe through your sadness and through my story you could gently work on your relationship with your DIL. I think if you explain to her that you never had a DD and you want to spoil her rotten, then most women would understand that. And your DIL pretty much controls access to your grandkids (that's the awful truth for most people).

I'm sorry if in a way that's not what you wanted to hear. My point of view mainly comes from the other side of the fence as a DIL, but I felt so sad reading your story and I wondered, if I were in your situation in 20 years' time, how I would get through it.

[Bigwish]

Void, you describe exacty the reason why i want a girl so hardly. I personally, speek to my mother very often, and i preferred her babysitting because i told my mother all my, not main******, opinions about baby feeding and raising (for example: not letting them cry to sleep). My MIL has sligthly more outdated opinions, in my opinion. BUT i love her very very much. So, now the kids are somewhat older i really want them to go to my MIL and FIL, but for some reason i think my MIL prefers her grandchildren of my SIL more than mine.... I just wish she is more open about that she also loves the kids of her son (like my FIL is). And maybe she is thinking that i prefer my mother more, and so on. And in this manner we'll keep on thinking things about each other. So my advise would be to be open about your feelings to your son and DIL. Imagine that my MIL is thinking that she sees my children not often enough, but if she never tell me, i can never know she's feeling that way...

[wildwooddays]

That's a shame :( I was always very close to my paternal grandmother, more so than my mom's mom. She passed away five years ago but I miss her so much still. Trust me, if you continue to be there for your grandchildren, they won't forget it and you will still have a special relationship with them, even when they are grown up.

[Mathilde]

Void: thank you for representing probably thousands of paternal grandmothers. It's is one of my fears: boys run into the world and it is the mothers job to follow and be close, girls go out, but come back. Tying hard to come to terms with this being my future, however hard I try to change my mindset. Claire: I agree totally, have decided to "swallow" my future D'sIL;)

[secretly sad]

I think you are just going to have to try and remember that you are not alone. There are hundreds of us on this forum who will be in exactly the same situation one day. As a child, and even to this day, my sister and I were so much closer to my fathers mother. My mother was the youngest of 5 children and she was the only girl but she was never that close to her mother (partly because of the age difference as my gran was 45 when she was born). We saw very little of her mother when we were children. My oldest son has an unbelievable strong bond with my MIL and is fiercely protective of her. So its not a foregone conclusion that anybodys grandchildren will be closer to their maternal grandmother. X

[Pink rose]

This really scares me as my children are much closer to my mother she has lots of time for them, picks them up from school & minds then whenever, they love spending time with her. This is one of the reasons I want a daughter so badly.

[Mrs_P]

I am so sorry for your pain......I am not a grandmother, but I have already sensed that I will feel the way you described when I am a grandmother. Friends and family know I am sad that I don't have a girl and they always say...."well, you will have and love granddaughters!!!" My response has always been (and you confirmed it)....It is not the same thing. Grandchildren are GENERALLY closer to their maternal grandparents for the fact that the kids are always with their mother and their mom will go visit her mom way more often than her mother in law. My boys LOVE my mom and get so excited to see her. They love DH mother too, but not in the same way. When we used to live near both grandma's I took the kids to see my mother in law and she came to greet the boys at the car and to my horror, my 2 year old started crying kicking and screaming...."I want to see gammy (my mom) not Nana!!" I felt so awful for my mother in law. She said, "Oh it's ok honey you can see gammy next" but I know it killed her.
With that said, I am sure you are a wonderful grandmother, but I must mention that it can also depend on what kind of grandparent a person is. My mother in law loves my boys for about 10 minutes when we get to her house, then moves on with doing her own thing. My mother on the other hand is on the floor playing with them, taking them on walks, and scavenger hunts, at night she turns all the lights off and the gather together on the floor with a flashlight, shine it on the wall and make shadow ducks, dogs, and airplanes project on the wall. She is just way more involved with the kids and they prefer her because of it.

But still, I fear no matter how hard I try or how good of a grandmother I am, kids are most often naturally closer to their maternal grandmother. I wish it wasn't this way and I am so sorry for you. I know I shouldn't be thinking of this already, but I know I will be right where you are some day! I am so sorry!

Firstly i am so sorry you feel that way, i must admit even at 30 it was one of my biggest fears for when my boys grow. That being said i do think Thorz makes a great point. My hubby is so close to his family, our boys naturally are to. I have always been very close to my mom so both sets of grandparents are very hands on - i spend a lot of time with my mom and the boys and my mil has the children whilst i am at work. But kids are fickle my boys prefer my mom but only really because she makes a lot more effort with them. On the other hand they adore my father in law.

It may not be as an easy of a relationship to foster as you have to have the mother on side to but there is no reason why you can't be close. My mother hated my grandmother as she was not her mother (her mother died when i was little and she hated that my granddads new wife replaced her) but besides from my mother she was the only other female i really had that bond with growing up because she was always there for me and i remained close to her until she died a few years back - i never bonded with aunts or my other nan in the same way, even though the relationship was discouraged by my mother.

On the other hand though although i understand what you are going through, a daughter is no guarantee of being close to your grandkids. My mother in law is so much closer to our children than she is to my sister in law's kids (her daughter) as they never really got on - not the way my hubby does with her.

I think the shoe can be hard to wear sometimes whichever foot it is on and in some ways i know my mom is jealous of my mother in law as although she drives me up the wall, her heart is in the right place and we do get on and does she does a lot for us and our boys in ways that my parents never have.

But above all don't give up on your grandkids - it maybe hard when they are little especially if you feel like their mum is fighting against you but as they grow they will make their own minds up and choose for themselves who they spend time with and if you put the time in and show them the love you obviously feel for them, they won't forget it - i never did with my grandmother and that must have been so hard for her

[Claire33]

Void, how are things going now? How is your situation? I would love an update!

[SpicyTunaSushi]

I just want to add that my DDs are much closer to my MIL/paternal grandmother than my own mom. So am I. :) She had only boys too. I think the grandmother who pursues the grandchildren develop close bonds.

I would have invited my MIL to my births in a second if it had been possible.

[atomic sagebrush]

I just want to add that my DDs are much closer to my MIL/paternal grandmother than my own mom. So am I. :) She had only boys too. I think the grandmother who pursues the grandchildren develop close bonds.

I would have invited my MIL to my births in a second if it had been possible.

Me too (well not to the births as I really didn't want anyone there!). My sister's MIL was at my nephew's birth and my mom was at my brother's girlfriend's birth (her mom died when she was young) I so wish my in-laws could have come to visit in the hospital!!

[SpicyTunaSushi]

I think the answer of this really depends on how close the wife of your son is to her mother. If she isn't, she might really be looking for someone to fill that space. My mom is great, but she and I aren't close. We had a difficult up-bringing. But my MIL is one of my best friends!