purplepoet20
April 7th, 2011, 02:24 PM
Kind of long but I need to explain...
I am the 3rd oldest of 8 kids (2 are step-sibs and 2 half-sibs). My older sister died 3 years before I was born. My brother and I were only 18mths apart and close as kids. When I was 4 and my little sister was born my parents split and my mom moved us to Illinois... My mothers family was odd. My grandmother hated her daughters and had 5g's and 1b.The middle child Janet was the same way and hated girls, she was 16 at that time. While we were there she watched us and spoiled my brother and as for me I was her victim. 16mths of extreme abuse and torture because I was a girl. My sister was lucky to be a newborn and was being cared for by my grandpa. I did repress the memories for a few years and started to remember them when I was 10 and at that timed learned about my older sister... a few years later I blamed her for what happened me because if she was alive maybe my aunt would have hurt her instead or being a big sis she would have helped me... I hate myself today for once thinking those thoughts. I did always wanted boys when I was younger, because I was afraid I would abuse a daughter.
When I was 16 I got pregnant and he was premature at 6mths gest and never took a breath. Many years later when I got pregnant again I did pray for a boy so I could have the boy I lost. Hearing James cry had more meaning to me and I held my boy for 6mths and never let him out of my sight. When hubby and I talked about more kids I only talked about wanting a girl, after loving my son so much I knew I could never hurt my child. Turned out I was already pregnant and at 18wks the US showed boy, a very clear boy. Hubby was happy but I hid my feelings with a smile until I was alone. I cried so hard I couldn't see straight. I felt like God was punishing me for something I did. I prayed for the rest of my pregnancy that the baby would be a girl or be stillborn... worst thoughts ever in my life. The second I saw Charlie I was in love. He looks like me and had such a sweet face. He was born with an ear tag (1/4in by 3/4in long) I blamed myself for it because I didn't want him. Within the first weeks I was so much in love and couldn't see my life without him.
I had started talking about baby #3 very early on and was often shot down. But hubby never went to get cut to prevent another baby from happening. I asked him to be open to talking when Charlie was 1yo and he agreed. He was the one who brought it up first and said he would like another one. My heart sank. I knew I had to start planning. But to also prepare myself for another boy. Not to hard this time because I know I love my boys with all my heart and no one could take that away.
I know there is a chance that I would have to live with 3 boys and the what if's. But when it comes down to it my boys are my life and another child no matter what the gender is will fit nicely in my heart.
I am the 3rd oldest of 8 kids (2 are step-sibs and 2 half-sibs). My older sister died 3 years before I was born. My brother and I were only 18mths apart and close as kids. When I was 4 and my little sister was born my parents split and my mom moved us to Illinois... My mothers family was odd. My grandmother hated her daughters and had 5g's and 1b.The middle child Janet was the same way and hated girls, she was 16 at that time. While we were there she watched us and spoiled my brother and as for me I was her victim. 16mths of extreme abuse and torture because I was a girl. My sister was lucky to be a newborn and was being cared for by my grandpa. I did repress the memories for a few years and started to remember them when I was 10 and at that timed learned about my older sister... a few years later I blamed her for what happened me because if she was alive maybe my aunt would have hurt her instead or being a big sis she would have helped me... I hate myself today for once thinking those thoughts. I did always wanted boys when I was younger, because I was afraid I would abuse a daughter.
When I was 16 I got pregnant and he was premature at 6mths gest and never took a breath. Many years later when I got pregnant again I did pray for a boy so I could have the boy I lost. Hearing James cry had more meaning to me and I held my boy for 6mths and never let him out of my sight. When hubby and I talked about more kids I only talked about wanting a girl, after loving my son so much I knew I could never hurt my child. Turned out I was already pregnant and at 18wks the US showed boy, a very clear boy. Hubby was happy but I hid my feelings with a smile until I was alone. I cried so hard I couldn't see straight. I felt like God was punishing me for something I did. I prayed for the rest of my pregnancy that the baby would be a girl or be stillborn... worst thoughts ever in my life. The second I saw Charlie I was in love. He looks like me and had such a sweet face. He was born with an ear tag (1/4in by 3/4in long) I blamed myself for it because I didn't want him. Within the first weeks I was so much in love and couldn't see my life without him.
I had started talking about baby #3 very early on and was often shot down. But hubby never went to get cut to prevent another baby from happening. I asked him to be open to talking when Charlie was 1yo and he agreed. He was the one who brought it up first and said he would like another one. My heart sank. I knew I had to start planning. But to also prepare myself for another boy. Not to hard this time because I know I love my boys with all my heart and no one could take that away.
I know there is a chance that I would have to live with 3 boys and the what if's. But when it comes down to it my boys are my life and another child no matter what the gender is will fit nicely in my heart.