...and so it begins

[BZ94]

Well I found out this morning that we are expecting boy #3. I had been preparing myself for this all weekend but I still held out a teeny bit of hope that this would be my girl. However I kept it together and was very calm during the ultrasound, and even found myself consoling DH who looked as disappointed as I felt. Afterwards I made all the phone calls, texts, and fb posts I'd promised and remained upbeat saying things like, "We must only make boys" and "Now we have our complete family of five!" My family remarked on how OK I seemed about it and how much better I was taking it than I did with DS2.

And I thought I was, but now that I'm home with the kids again, the reality is sinking in -- no lavender nursery, no pretty girl clothes, no daughter to "sit still" and "be good" and do all the sweet girlie things my boys don't do. My boys are wild and crazy and I think everyone (including me) was hoping for a calm little girl for a change. I also feel guilty because DH looked so upset and he wasn't even sure he wanted a third--now we have all the added stress and expenses of a third without the excitement of a daughter. I feel like I talked him into it and now we are going to regret it, even though everyone says you don't regret them when they are there.

I know once he's here I will be in love, I just wish the next 4 months would go by fast, I'm so over being pregnant and now that there's not the anticipation of something different I feel like it's going to be a tough period of people saying things like, "oh I was hoping it would be a girl" -- I've already gotten two comments like that this morning!

I just hate having to act so happy and excited when the best I can feel is blah. I don't know who to confide in -- I don't want DH to feel any worse, and I don't want people to think I was stupid for going for a third baby if I couldn't handle having another boy. I feel kind of lost right now...

[ThreeMenAndALAdy]

It's a terrible feeling and I'm sorry you're going through this. I was following your post this morning. I do have a dd, but am having my 4th boy in a few months. I was trying to give my daughter a sister. I had more bad days in the first 2 or so weeks after I found out. I hope time goes by quickly for you and your gd disappears when you're holding you baby in your arms. I don't have any words of wisdom because I found out over 2 months ago and I still have days when my heart is a little heavy. But I have many more good than bad. Maybe go out and buy something. That has helped me. And I stayed away from blue. Boys clothes have come a long way!!! My three boys get along so great with eachother. My oldest ds is 7 and he adores my little guy...who is 18 months.
And one more thing...my daughter NEVER sits still and behaves. By far she has given my dh and I the toughest time. My boys are so easy compared to her. I know that's not going to make you feel any better, but I don't believe that saying for a minute...lol. I wish you all the best and hope gd loosens up and allows you to enjoy these next few months. If this is your last pregnancy try to enjoy it for what it is. I think we all miss the baby kicks when we are no longer pregnant, regardless of gender. Hugs to you and well wishes!!!

[nuthinbutpink]

Oh, hun, my heart breaks for you reading this. Many of us have been where you are right now.

First, I don't think you have to put on the fake happy face at all. When I found out about DD3, I had a friend that found out about DS3 the same time. We were both sad and openly so. It felt better to say that I was disappointed that it wasn't a boy but not disappointed the the baby(although I was if I am being honest but too much honesty is not always a good thing).

There is nothing wrong nor weak about admitting this is not the fairytale ending that you had hoped for. People will understand and you may be pleasantly surprised by some of the candid responses you get back.

Second, it will get better. It will. It may not seem like it right now, but things will get brighter at some point. Raising these babies is just one phase of your life but make no mistake about it, it is YOUR life and how you choose to move forward is largely up to you. At some point, all of our kids will be out of the house and you and your DH go back to living your lives like it was before you had kids. It may seem far off, but there will come a day.

You may think of things you might miss out on but there is so many other things out there, ways to spend your time, etc. you cannot focus on that and not end up with major regrets about the way you went about your life.

Even though I have daughters, I am not going to spend my days and nights planning events for them, etc. and have that be what makes me happy. Will I look forward to planning a wedding? Sure. That's 6 months to a year of my life though and then what? What comes next? Just life. MY life. Sure, I will be a parent the rest of my life, but I will not live vicariously through my children. I make my own sunshine.

I've said this before- now being on the other side of the GD beast, you still have to have something for YOU that is about YOU and not your kids. Having a son or a daughter after a run of the same sex children does not make life perfect or any easier. It changes things but it doesn't always mean that everyday is cupcakes and rainbows.

I still argue with DH, I still yell at the kids and I still have good and bad days like I did before DS.

DS3 may turn out to be your BFF, the light of your life, the apple of your eye. I got a special needs child for #3. THAT is hard. That is a life-changing event that creates perspective and appreciation for what is right in your world.

If you come out of this with 3 beautiful boys and a loving DH with a solid marriage, you are far better off than many people in this world. It doesn't mean that not having a DD isn't a reason to mourn but you have a lot of life to look forward to I'm certain and it is YOUR life. You can let this GD monster take you under or you can choose to rise above and raise the best DS' that any girl will be lucky to have as their own one day.

Those boys are always yours. Sons do not leave. My brothers are at my parent's house every Sunday I am for dinner. That's the way my parents raised us.

Just because I have daughters doesn't mean I am okay for my son to just hang out with his future wive's family one day either and ditch us. I see a lot of people posting about missing out on a wedding, grandkids, etc but I don't think it has to be that way. If I want to be involved with the wedding, we will offer to pay. I will throw a kick-butt rehearsal dinner though and those are usually a lot more fun than the wedding! It's a very antiquated process of having the bride's family pay for the entire thing anyway. How is that fair? Offer to pay and you are entitled to a say, or at least be involved in the process. And start early with talking to your sons about the kind of woman you wish for them to end up with. I can tell you that if your sons end up with one of my DDs and me as the MIL- if I knew you did not have a daughter, I would make sure you were invited to anything that is traditionally mother/daughter related because I wouldn't want you to be left out.

I am the one, the DIL, that makes sure we see my DH's family at the holidays. I am the one that buys the gifts, sends the cards and remembers birthdays. Teach your sons to choose wisely and you may end up with one kick-a$$ DIL one day!

It doesn't mean that you are not right to feel sad right now. It is sad. It's hard to want something badly and know it is what you need only to have it never appear. It's a process. You don't have to suffer in silence though through the crypts of this website. It is okay to verbalize to family and friends about your disappointment. And if they say something rude to you or act like they do not understand, they either have a PP or they are just saying something stupid to try and make you feel better.

I wish things had gone differently for you but it can be okay eventually.

[fish2012]

hun i feel for you, be brave you know you'll fall in love him when he's born coould you spare the time for a preggie yoga class or something to bond a bit? I hoped my ds2 would be a girl and found it hard to bond when he wasn't as you know as thier personality grows the sadness just is that you will never have a girl not that he isn't a girl.

thank you nothingbutpink I'm always on look out for tips as to how to keep my ds's close - I'm going to make them marry orphans ;-0

chin up chicken :hugs:

[coocoobananas]

I feel for yah and wow nbp great thoughts:)
I still get sad but the closer I get to delivery the sadness gets less and less. There's days of complete joy too, but I am hit with the sadness too but it's just little bits now. Have the sadness so you can get through it, it will get better!!
Atomic wrote something about really accepting that she wasn't ever going to have a daughter, I can't remember but it helped somehow... Maybe she'll pipe up:)
Just know you are not alone, there are many of us and we're all going to be ok:)

[BZ94]

Thanks for the responses, it really does make me feel better hearing from other women who've been in my shoes. I experienced some GD with DS2, but instantly fell in love with him when he was born and have been smitten ever since, so I have no doubt I will feel the same about DS3. I think it's just the giving up on the idea of a daughter that's the hardest part, and then all the comments. Everyone has been asking DH if I'm "taking it OK" and he and I are both kind of surprised because I have never ever come off as someone who HAD to have a girl. But, I guess they'd be asking me that about DH if it was our third girl...Even though I'd love someone to confide in, everyone I know has at least one girl and even though I know they would "get" it (especially the ones closest to me like my sister-in-law and good friends), I can't STAND the thought of them feeling sorry for me and feeling like they had to make it sound like "girls aren't that great" when I've seen how excited they are over their daughters. My mom did call me later today to make sure I was doing OK which I really appreciated because it allowed me to confess my disappointment without it seeming like I was being silly or selfish. I know I'm very lucky to be having a third healthy baby, especially since I have three good friends struggling with infertility right now. Like nuthinbutpink said, I think it's important to have a life separate from my kids' and I'm a stay at home mom but have a degree in fine art and illustration and a design career that I've put on hold but I can see myself getting back into it and letting that be my "fourth child" eventually. I'm hoping that this sadness fades and I don't feel that punch in the stomach every time I hear of a friend having a girl (even though I've kind of felt that way for the last five years since DS1).

[little_quickstepper]

I'm exactly the same, it's actually the weak attempts at sympathy that I can't stand. All the comments of, "Oh, you're actually quite lucky not to get a girl... girls are more expensive, they're so fussy with their clothes, you have to buy them loads of things especially when they're a teenager, oh they're so hormonal when they hit their teens, so you're not missing out..." Sure, but I've rarely heard of a mum with an automatic pigeon pair complaining that she didn't get two boys! (at least, not in Western countries!)

I'm in the same lost place as you right now. I'm not sure that helps you except to know that out there, other women are going through the same thing. I think there's nothing wrong with being upbeat about it, especially to near strangers, and then confide in the people you trust. I've been playing the tape in my mind of answering back, sarcastically, "Oh YEAH, I'm REALLY disappointed it's got a penis as well. What can you do? These penises crop up everywhere!"

Don't feel too bad about your DH as well though because he's probably also sad that you're sad, if you see what I mean. I think because we take on the childbearing role we take it much more personally.

Keep writing and reading if you can bear to dwell on it, I think it will help. :happy:

[Adia]

I think there's nothing wrong with being upbeat about it, especially to near strangers, and then confide in the people you trust. I've been playing the tape in my mind of answering back, sarcastically, "Oh YEAH, I'm REALLY disappointed it's got a penis as well. What can you do? These penises crop up everywhere!"

:rofl:

[BZ94]

I love the sarcastic responses (I'm very sarcastic myself) but haven't been able to bring myself to use them on anyone...yet.

I know people mean well, but when DH's cousin's wife said to me "I think I was more disappointed than you that it wasn't a girl" all I could do was stare at her and mutter "Yeah, probably." There was really nothing at stake for her (her youngest DS and my oldest DS are the same age and friends, but she also has a DD from a previous relationship who's much older than my kids, so me having a girl really means nothing to her except that she wanted me to "experience" it. She's sweet and I know she means well, but it was a stupid think to say, in my opinion.

Someone else posted on facebook "I really wanted you to experience having a girl" and a lot of my close family was like WTF but I know that she has two DD's and was desperate for a boy with the first one (not sure how she felt with the second but guessing it was the same) so I actually didn't take offense to it because I think it was coming from GD and I "get" it.

DH and I talked about it and agreed that this is OUR family and the most important thing is that he and I have a good relationship (marriage with kids, as you all know, can be tough) and who cares what everyone else thinks. I went and bought the boys (all three of them) some new stuff today and just tried really hard not to look at the girl clothes. Ironically, before kids I designed packaging for Lip Smackers lip gloss and then clothes for a chain clothing store for girls, so it's hard not to check out what's new in girl fashion and cosmetics, but it still feels like a little punch in the stomach when I see cute stuff and know I'm never going to get to buy it for my own kid. I know there's always grandchildren, but who knows if my daughter in laws will even like my taste. My mother in law (who was the mom of three boys) tries buying clothes for my 3 year old niece and my sister in law usually takes it all back.

Thanks for reading my rambling. It is nice to be able to express these things to people who are in the same place. I hope everyone who's responded gets their DG or comes to peace with the family that they have been given. Hugs to all.

[Adia]

Their is something so crushing about the 3rd of the same gender. Its almost as if it sinks in that it just won't ever happen for you or you just aren't special enough to have the DG....I was crushed, as was DH when we found out about DD3.

She's our sunshine and we wouldn't trade her but the GD is so real. Even after she was born the GD was separate from her, but so raw and so real.

I know people mean well but any comment, especially "I wanted you to experience a girl..." comments can just punch you in the gut.

Hugs, I understand how you feel.

[iluvmy4sons]

I cried for days when I found out my 4th was a boy. You can vent her all you want too. Some people don't understand. My pregnancy was so different that I swore he was a girl. I would not change Carson for the world. I am now pregnant with my 5th. I just feel like it is another boy. I "think" I am okay with that. My husband does not want to find out the gender of this baby. Part of me does not either so I know for sure I won't feel disappointed at the ultrasound. HUGS!!! Do you have a name picked out yet. I do it is Owen or the Irish spelling Eoin.

The most horrible comment I got was I was in my last few weeks of pregnancy with Carson. A lady who had a baby girl asked what I was having and I said my 4th boy. She said "I am sorry." I was so stunned that I did not say anything.

[my4leafclover]

I so understand how you feel. I think dealing with the things others say is most on my mind right now. I have never been quick with the responses either. One of these days I hope to use the line" yeah well all I have to worry about is 4 penises instead of a thousand".