Confession: I'm scared to have another boy...

[ber_waves_of]

Hi everyone! I'm new to this forum but I am also on in-gender under the same username so you may have seen me there. I have a 5 year old son and a 2 year old daughter and I'm 13 weeks pregnant with surprise baby #3.

I have said all along that I have no gender preference, and would be thrilled with another boy or another girl. I'm coming to realize that this is not entirely true...

My son was a very difficult baby/toddler. He was diagnosed with a sensory disorder at age 2. He's now 5 and he's made so much progress and he's now a very well-behaved, smart, funny, and creative little boy who means the world to me. But his first few years were incredibly difficult for me. I suffered from post-partum depression. My son never slept, and cried all the time. As a newborn, he would scream for hours on end. I wondered what was wrong with me, why did my son hate me so much? It was a very dark time in my life.

When he was almost 3, I had my daughter, and she was a classic "easy baby" - she slept well, she rarely cried, she was just very sweet.

The bottom line is, I'm terrified to have another son and go through what I went through with my son all over again (especially now that I have two other children to take care of! There's no way I could devote as much time and energy to a high need baby as I did with my first baby). I KNOW that all boys aren't difficult, and I could have an "easy" boy. Or I could have a girl and she could be a high need baby who cries all the time, you just never know! I know I'm not thinking logically....but I can't shake my fears.

All along, this pregnancy has been exactly like my girl pregnancy. Every symptom has been exactly the same. This baby just FEELS like a girl to me. But now, I'm starting to think it might be a boy.

I had my NT ultrasound the other day and I was so excited to find out the gender. I know about the nub theory from these boards. It never really crossed my mind that I wouldn't be able to tell, but unfortunately baby was moving around so much and not in the correct position, I never even saw ONE tiny glimpse of a nub through the entire ultrasound. We did see a potty shot view of the legs, and I didn't see anything resembling a penis, but I know that's not accurate at 13 weeks. The side profile of the skull looked a lot like my daughter's, but when we saw the face from the front it reminded me of my son, so I was thoroughly confused! I posted the pics here and got a few boy guesses. Some people thought they could see a boy nub in one of the pictures, but lovemy4 said there was no nub visible (she guessed 50/50) and someone else said she thought that was just cord.

I scheduled an elective ultrasound for Feb 5th (I will be 16 weeks, the earliest you can find out here). But I'm obsessing so much. I just want to KNOW so I can move on with my life. If it's a boy I want to mentally prepare myself for what may be another difficult journey.

When I found out I was pregnant, I told my mom that I think this baby was sent to me to teach me something important. I have a feeling it's going to be one of those hard lessons in life...

Thank you in advance for listening and not judging me. <3

[ber_waves_of]

I would really appreciate some support. I'm sure I sound annoying because I was lucky enough to get a pigeon pair and now I want another girl. But it's not because I think girls are superior or anything. I LOVE having a boy. My son is so special. In some ways, I think I have a closer bond with my son than my daughter, just because of everything we've been through together.

It's more that I doubt my own abilities as a mother and I am scared I wouldn't be able to handle another boy if he had the same temperament as my son. I hope this makes sense.

[Longingforgirl]

Wow, are you talking about my DS1? I have the same thoughts, the same fears. I had them when I was pregnant with DS2. DS1 was such a high need baby. For two years straight, whenever he did sleep, he slept on top of me, me sitting up. He couldn't breathe while he was sleeping and no doctor helped us. It was such a tough time and I am glad that he was my first and not my second child. I could not do anything else but care for my son. Those two years were the darkest time in my life too. And one week before DS2 was born, finally, finally finally DS1 had the operation he so much needed in order to be able to breathe. It was so hard. I didn't get any break between the two.
I was so scared when I found out that the second baby was a boy as well. I was so scared of having to do this all over again. And I was scared of DS2 until he was about 4 months old. I think we didn't really bond because of that.
But I have to say, DS2 was soooo different from DS1.

I am scared to hell now anyway. Although DS2 was so different, I know I couldn't handle another boy. I think most boys are more difficult. And of course I really really want a girl as well because I don't have one (yet - hopefully).

But also, I see my little ones growing up, and they play together and are so sweet to each other (most of the time, lol). They have a special bond, that is really great.
What I want to say is - every child is different. You won't get another one like DS1. I also read that Vitamin B12 and avoiding stress is helping if you want an easy baby. I am getting my Vitamin B12 levels checked now and I am definately keeping them up my whole pregnancy :happy:

Wishing you an easy baby and good luck :happy:

[ber_waves_of]

Thank you so much for your reply! It means a lot to me to know that someone else has felt the same way. Having a high need baby is really difficult. It was hard on my self-esteem. I felt like I was a terrible mother and I questioned myself constantly. I was always searching for answers, and it took years before we ever got any answers or any help.

I do think I'm lucky that he was my first child. I gave every bit of my energy into caring for him. I would hold him and walk around for hours while he just cried and cried. :(

I also had a very difficult birth with him, and he had some health problems at first and had to stay in the NICU. Then we struggled to establish a nursing relationship. So I had a lot of guilt feelings over all of that as well.

I know in my heart that another boy wouldn't mean I would be cursed to go through all of the same struggles again. I'm just afraid, know what I mean?

[ber_waves_of]

Also thanks for the tip about the B12, I will definitely check that out!

[trifecta]

You're not annoying at all. I have two boys and just wanted to reassure you that boys don't have to be fussy. My first was easy and my second was even easier. I hope you get a girl but whatever you get I hope you get an easy one this time--I really don't think gender has much to do with it.

[Longingforgirl]

Yes, I so know what you mean! You are practically talking about my DS1. It was so hard I cannot even put it in words. But we do have a very special bond right now. He is so sweet and caring and he constantly tells me how much he loves me. He's a real sunshine now despite all the problems we had for the first two years.
And I so didn't want to go through all that again. And although I know now that DS2 in fact was and still is so different from the first one, I am still afraid. So scared of a third one. Because I still believe that boys are more difficult in general. And I sooooo want a girl too. :happy:

[hotdogz&boyz]

Truly, I think most oldest children are harder. Among my friends and family, MOST of us had our most high-needs baby first. Some of them have autistic children, some have sensory issues, some are just plain high-needs. But the thing that is true across the board...it doesn't seem related to gender. My cousin was desperately afraid to have a second girl with her second and third children because her daughter was such a difficult baby (who had some medical issues and a rough birth as well). A good friend of mine has three boys...her oldest is on the spectrum and was literally a 24-7 kid for the first three years if his life (and her second son, born 2.5 years after his brother is the most easygoing kid I have met! Her third seems in the middle, but much closer to easy than hard).

My first son is intense, no two ways about it. I don't believe he had anything diagnosable (besides acid reflux and some pretty bad sinus issues), but he never slept, cried all the time, and even today requires way more of my attention than my second son. My second, although not a sleeper either, is EASY! He entertains himself, he is happy and easy to please.

I think it's pretty common for moms to be concerned about another child being as difficult as their most difficult child. It's a natural fear of how you would handle it with other children to consider and if your emotional state could handle another high-needs child. I think, for you, it's "easy" to assume the differences are gender-related. It's a common thing I see among pigeon pair parents. But I can assure you, from a person who is surrounded by many single-gender families, it's not a gender thing. It's a personality thing. Yep, your second son could be like your first. But my first daughter could also be like my first son. Or they could both be like our second children and be easy to please and happy. Dont be afraid simply if this a boy that he will be like your son. And don't delude yourself into a false sense of security that if it is a girl that she will be like your daughter.

My cousin...she went on to have two boys after her daughter. And was thrilled because she was sure her daughter was high-needs because she was a girl. Turns out, her first son (second child) has autism and had such severely enlarged tonsils and adenoids that he had to have them removed to help him breathe. She also had to sleep upright with him for months to make sure he didn't stop breathing in his sleep. Her third...also a boy...easy breezy kid. No issues, happy, delightful little baby. And so is her daughter, who was so difficult for so long. And she has managed just fine, even though she thought she couldn't do another difficult child. She is a fantastic mom. And even admits it "seemed" much worse than it ended up being. There is love there and love does conquer all. So no matter what you have, rest assured, you will be fine. Moms can handle so much more than they give themselves credit for!

[ber_waves_of]

Thank you, Trifecta! I agree with you, it's not so much gender as it is personality and temperament. I'm already scared because at my ultrasound, the tech kept saying how incredibly active my little one was. And I'm already feeling tons of movement at only 13 weeks. Boy or girl, I think this baby might be a handful! LOL

[ber_waves_of]

hotdogz, your comments are always so poignant. THANK YOU! <3

[ber_waves_of]

"I think it's pretty common for moms to be concerned about another child being as difficult as their most difficult child. It's a natural fear of how you would handle it with other children to consider and if your emotional state could handle another high-needs child. I think, for you, it's "easy" to assume the differences are gender-related. It's a common thing I see among pigeon pair parents. But I can assure you, from a person who is surrounded by many single-gender families, it's not a gender thing. It's a personality thing."

YES YES YES!! You are exactly right.

[ber_waves_of]

Longingforgirl, I hope you get your baby girl! :)

[fish2012]

oh hun poor you, it's so horriable to have feelings that aren't pure excitment and joy!

I feel the same but for slightly different reasons however although i'm aware this may not actually manage to filter through i have a difficult boy and a very easy boy totally different children when i think agh worst mother in world why does ds1 do this? i look at ds2 and think it's not my fault they are all different, i'm convinced this baby id ds3 and i'm like which one will it be like (ds2 please) but really he'll be like ds3 totally different

good luck will you find out the sex? hope you can enjoy some of the pregnancy xxx

[BZ94]

I definitely felt the same way as you when I found out DS2 was a boy. DS1 was SUCH a difficult baby--very colicky--and also a super active toddler. To this day he is still my more demanding child. I was panicked to be having ANOTHER boy, but fell in love with DS2 so quickly I was shocked. From day 1 he has been MUCH easier, and is definitely more independent, although he's still quite active and rambunctious he doesn't NEED the constant attention that DS1 does. Finding out how different two babies of the same gender can be made it easier for me last week when I found out I was expecting my third son. I was disappointed, yes, but at least now I know that he will probably be different from his brothers and surprise and delight me in brand new ways. Hope that helps!!!

[aidansmum]

I really hope you get your girl, but don't be afraid. I have 3 boys, the first one nearly drove me mad! I love him to pieces but he was difficult, didn't sleep, fussed over anything, was one of those hyperactive children, tormented his little brother to tears, you name it! He is now 21 and he can still drive me nuts! lol. When I found out I was having a second boy (who is now 19) I was a bit disappointed but got over it really quick. And he was a little angel, not at all like his brother. I hope I don't sound like one of those mothers that favor one child over the other, cause that's not the case, it was just much easier handling my second boy. Now, I have another little boy who's only 2 and he is an easy, adorable child, sleeps like a rock and doesn't cause a lot of drama. So there, have faith, you will be fine regardless. Good luck!