Shakti
January 18th, 2013, 10:46 AM
I've been very back and forth on whether or not to sway. Sometimes, ok often, I feel very weird about my reasons, and wondering what anyone else thinks.
In April we'll start conceiving our first child. Chances are we're only having 2 children, because we are both in our 30s, though I am trying to talk my husband into being open to a 3rd child. 3 is the maximum that even I am comfortable with.
My reasons for wanting a daughter have largely to do with the fact that my own relationship with both of my parents was extremely dysfunctional and abusive, and I long for a chance to raise a little girl with the attitude and respect that I deserved.
It's not about superficial passing things such as dolls, hair ribbons, etc, its more the whole process of raising her to be a happy adult that I am looking forward to, and bringing a confident, powerful woman into the world. My sense of femininity is that I enjoy being a woman, in the sense that I'm my husband's teammate, not his accessory. I'm not trying to create a mini-me, rather I long to give a little girl the start in life that I deserved. What she does with it, what her interests are, etc., is up to her.
My gender desire was extremely strong a few months ago, but then I felt guilty for it, as if our first child is meant to be a son, then I want to give it my all just as much as if it was a daughter. My husband has become very enthusiastic about the idea of a daughter though, as much as I've ever been, and it has rubbed off on me. He said that even if we don't sway, he'll be surprised if it's not a girl, he even had a dream about a month ago about a little girl in the park with us. He also thinks it would be special for his mother, he has 1 brother and 1 nephew who will also be an only child, so our daughter would be the first girl in the family.
A huge part of me tells me that it wouldn't hurt to sway, as if we never do, if we have 2 children then the chances are 25% of no daughters. If we wait until our 2nd pregnancy to sway, it's a lot of pressure, and if we have a 3rd child, I want it to be because we genuinely want another child and not to get a particular gender.
I can see in some ways how a son could also be healing for me, I suppose though that part of me feels scared, my relationship with my father was horrid and twisted, and I had major trust issues with men as a result until I met my husband. So having a son would give me a chance to have another powerful bond with a male besides my husband, which would be extremely healing, though maybe not at the profound level that one with a daughter would. But we would still have plenty of good activities to share, such as cooking (my husband and I do almost all of the cooking together), yoga, the outdoors, etc.
And another major part is that we will be raising our children in The Netherlands. My husband is Dutch, I moved here to be with him from Georgia in The US. And the attitudes towards gender roles here are astronomically healthier here than where I come from. That's one advantage I would love to give a daughter.
Thanks for reading this, I needed to get it off my chest, and I feel like I need to look hard at this before making a decision about whether or not to sway. Part of me is afraid of feeling guilty, but also part of me is scared to one day be working on our last pregnancy and not yet have a daughter.
In April we'll start conceiving our first child. Chances are we're only having 2 children, because we are both in our 30s, though I am trying to talk my husband into being open to a 3rd child. 3 is the maximum that even I am comfortable with.
My reasons for wanting a daughter have largely to do with the fact that my own relationship with both of my parents was extremely dysfunctional and abusive, and I long for a chance to raise a little girl with the attitude and respect that I deserved.
It's not about superficial passing things such as dolls, hair ribbons, etc, its more the whole process of raising her to be a happy adult that I am looking forward to, and bringing a confident, powerful woman into the world. My sense of femininity is that I enjoy being a woman, in the sense that I'm my husband's teammate, not his accessory. I'm not trying to create a mini-me, rather I long to give a little girl the start in life that I deserved. What she does with it, what her interests are, etc., is up to her.
My gender desire was extremely strong a few months ago, but then I felt guilty for it, as if our first child is meant to be a son, then I want to give it my all just as much as if it was a daughter. My husband has become very enthusiastic about the idea of a daughter though, as much as I've ever been, and it has rubbed off on me. He said that even if we don't sway, he'll be surprised if it's not a girl, he even had a dream about a month ago about a little girl in the park with us. He also thinks it would be special for his mother, he has 1 brother and 1 nephew who will also be an only child, so our daughter would be the first girl in the family.
A huge part of me tells me that it wouldn't hurt to sway, as if we never do, if we have 2 children then the chances are 25% of no daughters. If we wait until our 2nd pregnancy to sway, it's a lot of pressure, and if we have a 3rd child, I want it to be because we genuinely want another child and not to get a particular gender.
I can see in some ways how a son could also be healing for me, I suppose though that part of me feels scared, my relationship with my father was horrid and twisted, and I had major trust issues with men as a result until I met my husband. So having a son would give me a chance to have another powerful bond with a male besides my husband, which would be extremely healing, though maybe not at the profound level that one with a daughter would. But we would still have plenty of good activities to share, such as cooking (my husband and I do almost all of the cooking together), yoga, the outdoors, etc.
And another major part is that we will be raising our children in The Netherlands. My husband is Dutch, I moved here to be with him from Georgia in The US. And the attitudes towards gender roles here are astronomically healthier here than where I come from. That's one advantage I would love to give a daughter.
Thanks for reading this, I needed to get it off my chest, and I feel like I need to look hard at this before making a decision about whether or not to sway. Part of me is afraid of feeling guilty, but also part of me is scared to one day be working on our last pregnancy and not yet have a daughter.