Feeling Blah?

[BZ94]

So, it's been three weeks since I found out I am having a third boy, and while my GD isn't horrible or anything, it's definitely there...in that I just feel really blah and not really excited about this baby anymore. I mean, I definitely am looking forward to meeting him and holding him for the first time, but anything beyond that feels totally overwhelming. Like, I'm just so tired right now with my two boys and feel like I'm going to be exhausted forever, and without the idea of something different (a daughter), I'm just not as motivated to go through it all again as I was before. And I feel guilty for making DS2 into a middle child, suddenly I worry that he'll never get enough of me. If this third one had been a girl, I feel like he'd have had a special place as the youngest boy, and now he'll just get lumped in between the oldest boy and the baby boy.

I know I got myself into this on my own and told myself I'd be OK no matter what I got, but getting catalogues with girl nurseries and girl clothes just stings, and DH pressured me into having people over for the Superbowl on Sunday and one of the families is his cousin who had a DS and really really really wanted a girl, and then of course on her second go around she got her DD and is very smug about it. She kept telling me she hoped I had a girl this time around, and when she found out it was a boy her response was "Is DH excited?" As if I wouldn't be. I have covered up any signs of disappointment around her, but that almost makes it worse.

Sorry for the long email, I'm just feeling down and blah and have been taking it out on my family, which isn't fair. Anyone else going through the same thing? What helps???

[sbmommy]

I wish I had a positive experience to share that would help you feel better - and I know that there are plenty of ladies here that have gone through exactly the same thing and will be able to share words of encouragement that will give you hope - but right now all I can do is tell you that you are not alone, and I totally understand how you feel.

I found out at 19 weeks that our second boy sway had failed and I am carrying another DD, and at 34 weeks I still feel the way you do. Sure, the first month or two after the scan was worse, I was depressed every day and couldn't look at a baby boy or even baby boys' clothes in the store without bursting into tears. Now all that remains is that blah feeling you described. I haven't been excited about this pregnancy since the scan, and when I think about the baby coming soon all I feel is overwhelmed and exhausted, and I'm trying hard to shake the feeling of dread when I think about what lies ahead over the next year.

Lately I've been trying to envision this little one as an actual person that I will soon be able to hold in my arms and look into her eyes, and I remind myself that none of this is her fault. She did nothing wrong, and she hasn't done anything to make me feel this way. I feel so guilty for resenting the fact that she is a girl, like I am the most horrible, shallow, selfish person for wanting her to be a boy, and it motivates me to start filling up my heart with love and affection for her. I also remind myself that she is lucky to have a big sister to love her and dote on her - your little one is doubly lucky, as he will have two brothers to shower him with affection and watch over him!

I know how hard it is to see the light at the end of the tunnel right now, but I really believe the women here who have two, three, or four of the same gender already and say that their children are a true blessing to each other and to their family. Same-sex siblings get to share a special bond and closeness that will exist long after we are gone. I am holding on to that hope, and am looking forward to seeing it with my own eyes once this little one is here.

[Mrs_P]

My third was little boy and i worried about the exact same thing with ds2. Not long after ds3 was born we nearly lost ds2 and it was the scariest time of my life! He's fine now but to us he will always be extra special because of what he went through and to be honest he such a little star he is never lost in the masses.

You son may no longer be the baby but he will still be special for all the things that make him him. GD aside (as it sucks and desire is still there) as a mother you will have the ability to love all of your children equally, it never seems to run out. I can honestly say i love all boys the same, for completely different reasons but just as strong (which is something i strongly doubted when i was in your shoes but littlest little man turned out to be a heart melter and a real mommies boy)

He also brought my sons even closer together than they already were and the three of them have such a great time and a lovely bond. I love watching them all pile up in a heap together on the sofa cuddling. We definitley got the child we needed as a family in him, he filled a whole i never knew existed and i am so proud of boys. I hope he brings you as much joy as our 'failed sway' brings us every day x

[KidAtHeart]

Well, this is why you found out in the first place, right? To have to time to adjust. I felt the same 'blah' you did with DS2. But almost from the instant he was born, it was like a lightbulb went off. I looked at my DH holding him and beaming and I thought "we're going to be okay" and we were. With DS3, I didn't want to go through the second half of the pregnancy like that, so I didn't find out. I just went through GD with a newborn instead. Now that my little one is four years old, I can honestly say that it is great to have three boys. I do think their bond is stronger than just having two boys. If one of them is being annoying, the other two play. It's not like with two, when one is being annoying, it's isolating. It's unbelievably cute to watch them together. Most nights they even sleep in the same bed together! They are affectionate towards each other too, but of course they fight and wrestle and are pure boys.

In a few months time you'll be glad you found out early so you could get used to the idea. It's easier when you hold your little newborn. And you'll also come to realize that he is isn't "another boy", he's a little person all of his own.

So far I have not found out with this pregnancy what I'm having. Of course it's killing me! I'm 19 weeks along. But my doctor said I would have another ultrasound between 28-32 weeks. I think I'm going to find out then, so I have time to adjust if it's a boy, but not a whole 20 weeks. And let's face it, it's probably a boy! :)

[HopingWishingPraying]

I felt exactly the same about my DS3, a "failed sway". I cried nonstop for weeks after finding out and then was deeply depressed for about 12 weeks. Around 32 weeks of pregnancy the fog lifted a little bit but I still never felt bonded to him during the pregnancy. I lost all excitement about the pregnancy and felt like it was "boring" - that I didn't need another boy, I had 2 already, why would I need another. I had found the transition to 2 kids very, very overwhelming and was really worried about what transitioning to 3 would be like.

I am pleased to tell you all my fears were totally and utterly unfounded. The moment that little boy came out in the delivery room, our bond was born. I loved him within a day and very quickly came to feel happy about him being in my life. The GD was still there but not nearly as crushing and all encompassing, plus it was no longer about him at all... no longer about not wanting 3 sons.... I did want 3 sons now and would never change that, I just wanted a girl as well. The transition to 3 was SOOO much smoother than 1-2 kids was, and to be honest I really didn't notice much difference. I was tired, I was busy, I had bad days... but I had all those things with 2 kids in probably the same proportions. I think you get used to the busyness, the juggling and dynamics of being in more than one place at a time when you have the second - the squabbling and the needing to divide your attention. There is some more of that, but it is not a new thing you are having to adjust to likewhen #2 comes along. Also the older 2 do have each other for amusement when you are feeding etc - I think it does reduce the shock and the impact a new baby has on them.

I had the same worry about DS2, but they are all such individuals with their own unique personalities. Also, until now DS1 and DS2 have been so close, literally inseparable most of the time. Lately though, my DS1 has learnt to read and he wants to spend mostof his time reading. He has "outgrown" DS2 in some ways, and DS2 is so lost without having his constant companion anymore. Right now I am SOOO glad for DS2s sake that DS3 is in our family and I can see that as he gets a little older he will be a major gift and blessing for DS2. It also gives him a turn to be the leader after always being in DS1s shadow.

When you see your little man it will all become clear, before long you will know he is meant to be, and he is meant to be yours. I hope the rest of the pregnancy goes quickly for you as it is a reallyhard phase - knowing absolutely nothing about the baby except the one thing you didn't want to know - that he is a boy. There is so much more you are yet to find out about him, and I hope it is a wonderful exciting adventure for you like with your first 2 boys. It will be.

[BZ94]

Thanks to everyone for your responses--they literally brought a smile to my face reading them, and it's so good to know that there are others out there who've gone through the same feelings as I am. I don't have any close friends with three boys--just a bunch of acquaintances with three boys who I don't feel comfortable confiding in about GD because even though some of them may have experienced it, what if they didn't and look at me like I'm nuts?

Anyway, I've been telling myself that going from 2-3 won't be as difficult since I am already used to the chaos, and after having DS2 and discovering that he wasn't just a "miniature DS1" but his very own person who I just adore, DS3 will likely melt my heart the same way.

Question -- when did your DS's start actually being friends? Everyone says "oh your boys will be so close" but right now I would say the majority of the time they are fighting with each other. They're still young -- 4.5 and 2, but I see more hitting, crying, and pinching than I do actual affection towards each other. Maybe this is just how boys are and deep down they do care? I just fear I'm going to be living my life in my very own "fight club."

Thanks again for your responses, glad to know I'm not alone and that this blah feeling will eventually lift...

[Adia]

I can completely relate. Once we found out DD3 was indeed another girl, I was blah the entire rest of the pregnancy and nothing seemed to help until I gave birth and was busy with a new baby.

Everyone has such good advice and comfort and so many of us understand what you are going through.

Keep in mind what Kidatheart said, this is why you found out the gender and now is a period of adjustment. Keep busy and find things to do even if it's reading a book that you won't have time to read when baby arrives, etc.

Recognize that if you feel a funk for the next few months, we've been there too and it will all be ok in time, we promise!!:bighug:

Had to add: FWIW I would keep the gender to yourself as much as possible especially to strangers. Lie, say you don't know or baby wouldn't cooperate. The comments that came with DD3 were awful and only made me feel worse.

[Mrs_P]

My eldest and my middle one used to fight at that age gap but their relationship really improved when the little one joined us and although they have their moments they get on really well now, although as kid says with three of them they have their space if one is in a mood the other two play as opposed to them just winding each other up.

That being said both have got on with my littlest from the beginning although they do avoid him now when he's having one of his terrible twos moments (but then he hates it when they won't play with him so he soon stops and plays nice)