First miscarriage, this sucks

[LacePrincess]

Well I guess I've been lucky to never have gone through this horrible experience before. We've never been all that fertile, but we've always had sticky beans once I've gotten a BFP.

I guess I didn't realize how blessed I truly was until now. This really sucks even though I was mentally prepared after my bfp's didn't seem to get any darker. Well now I know for next time.

I got my first strong BFP with this bean at 12dpo, and got positives all the way to yesterday morning at 18dpo, except they were getting fainter which worried me. Then started light spotting yesterday afternoon, and it gradually got red and started full AF flow overnight. Cervix is open so yup, definitely out. :(

It still hurts like a bitch even though I was half expecting it after some fainter bfp's.

Looking at the bright side, at least we did conceive and my LP was plenty long enough as I had no temp dip issues or spotting until the m/c started at 18dpo. So the B6 did work which is great. And, if I'm to have a loss I'd much rather an early loss like this one than a missed m/c or a later loss. Doesn't suck any less but at least we get to keep trying right away.

Hubby's no help, typical guy. He just says oh well, we'll just try again, it'll be fine. Well I KNOW THAT. Doesn't mean I don't need to wallow and have a good cry and sulk first!! :nono:

Damn I knew putting that pregnancy ticker in my sig was cursing me, next time I think I'll wait for a bit longer.

The only thing that's keeping me a bit cheery is knowing that many ladies are very fertile immediately following a chemical, and that it sways pink!

[strawberrymom]

Lace- I am so sorry for your loss .

[fish2012]

oh lace :hugs: rubbish news xxx

[Mum23boys]

Oh huny Im sorry this has happened to you - I had exactly the same in October though was a l bit further along than you were but non the less no matter what stage it still hurts - My hubby was the same and then when we got pregnant his time he burst my bubble of excitement with the "lets not get too excited you know what happened last time etc" and it put a real downer on it for me - same when we lost a twin he was like "what will be wil be nothing we can do about it so no point thinking about it" where as weeks on Im still scared by it and cant help but imagine life with twins.

It does take time but have a cry and have a sulk and come back feeling stronger - i know that trying again helped me get over it

Good luck for your next attempt. x

[wilma_five]

I'm so sorry!!
And yes, I conceived a girl right after a chemical!!!

[Justjessica]

Sorry to hear that. A miscarriage is painful at any stage. I think as women we naturally wonder about what they would have been like, when they would have been born. Blokes are so detached. It's normal to need time to grieve. Hope it sways pink for you so some good can come out of this horrible experience for you.

[rainbowflower]

so sorry for your loss :(

how long was your LP before this?

[Dreamofpink]

Oh Lace, I really was hoping for better news for you :( You poor thing, it really is awful for you to have to go through that. Sending you a big hug :hugs: I'm so sorry for your loss. x x

[aussiettc]

Hi Lace. I'm hearing you-I had my first m/c two weeks ago (like you, it was early) and I felt incredibly sad. It helped to have a good cry and then start looking forward to the next cycle (we're just about to try again and hoping there will be a silver lining to this sadness-praying it will sway pink this cycle!)

[babygirlforme]

Lace I am so sorry to read your news. Sending you huge hugs! :hugs:

[LacePrincess]

Thanks ladies. :) I know I've just been incredibly lucky to have never had one before with 3 kids, it was my turn I guess.

Rainbow, my LP was really crappy before last month, the most it got to was 10 days but that was also due to fully weaning only a few months ago. So everything was still out of whack. I started B6 this past cycle since it's worked before to help my LP, and I think it did make a difference. My temps were very high and stayed high with no post O dips, and no spotting until the leadup to the m/c, so I am pleased about that.

Aussie, I'm very very sorry about your recent loss too. :( It certainly does help a lot to be able to move on right away. Fx for both of us this month!

[rainbowflower]

things should improve fast after weaning, then. I wish you a speedy rainbow baby too

[cvd]

Ah so sorry to hear :( hope you get a sticky bean soon!

[black&gold]

So sorry to hear about your loss. I really hope next month you see a BFP!!

[BabyGirl4Me]

So sorry to hear the news. Big hugs and lots of good thoughts and prayers coming your way. :HH:

[jennaesue]

I'm so sorry for your loss, Lace. :( Fingers crossed you get knocked up again quickly, and this time it's sticky!

[Pangea]

I'm so sorry LacePrincess. I hope you get another BFP quickly.

[Goodus]

I'm sorry for your loss Lace, hope you have a sticky bean next cycle

[LacePrincess]

Thanks for all the kind words everyone. :)

I feel awful today. :(

I dunno, I felt ok and eager to move on when I knew I was losing this one. No biggie, just a late AF, right?

Today I just feel empty and lonely and lost. Aimless. I've never seen the bean as a person yet so early, just a little blob of cells, but for some reason yesterday and today I kept aching for that baby that never will be. It doesn't help that I saw the envelope that I'd written on to present the bfp to hubby on the counter, all the happy little sticker hearts just stabbed me in mine.

I know this is normal and part of the grieving process, and it's good that I'm not in denial and all. Unfortunately my OCD is really wanting to rage out of control, probably because in an attempt to control things after experiencing this m/c that was completely out of control.

I do understand all this intellectually, I'm a smart woman. But it still doesn't help heal the heart any faster, does it?

Stupid stupid stupid too, I keep having faint hope that the hpt's will start showing + again (I'm still POAS just to make sure they go properly back to negative.) Stupid.

This really hurts and crying doesn't make it any better, it just upsets the kids. I hug my 3yo so hard all day yesterday (he was mystified!) but it's still not the same.

I've never been one to think of a pregnancy this early as a person yet, but I know some people name or have ceremonies for their lost angels. Does it help? Not something I would've ever considered but maybe I can do a little something (dunno, bury the HPTs?) if it brings closure.

[Sihaya]

I am so sorry for your loss, LP. I wish I could come over and make you some tea and give you a hug and just sit with you. There's just no explaining how we experience grief.

For me, it helped a lot to name the two babies I lost. My older son is aware of the losses and we talk about them to him by name when he asks. My losses were at 9 and 10 weeks, but they were missed miscarriages, so only about 5 weeks along. I also was able and wanted to bury the remains. I always wanted to get stepping stones or plant special plants to put in that part of the yard, but we never got around to it and then ended up moving away.

Even though it doesn't seem logical or smart, do what you feel like you need to and feel sad for as long as you need to. A lot of people judged me for "wallowing" after my second loss, but in the end, my healing is complete and I have no regrets (well, maybe my behavior in public a few times, but certainly not over how long I grieved).

[EmmyRoo]

Oh lace I'm so sorry! I was so happy to see you were pg too after all the help you gave me during my sway and now we've both suffered losses. :sad:

I'm still waiting to miscarry naturally which is so hard, but focussing on TTC again helps. I'm planning to buy a nice wooden memory box and put my hpts, sympathy cards and a dried lily from one of the bouquets we've been given in it as a memory box. We didn't get a scan picture last week but we're going to ask if they could give us one as proof our wee jellybean existed.

It's terribly hard but a loss at any time of pregnancy is about grieving your hopes and plans as well as the baby. I hope you feel better soon and we can TTC pink together again - this time with happy outcomes.

:hugs: x

[LacePrincess]

:hugs: Emmy, I saw your thread and I didn't want to comment and make you feel worse when I still had that pregnancy ticker in my siggy. But I've been following your posts and I'm so so sorry. :( At least my body cleared things naturally, limbo must be so horrible. I saw you post on the bbc board, I haven't joined but reading the stories there are comforting.

Oddly enough it's that little sticker heart with the question mark on it next to the hearts that had me, DH, and our boys' names on it that makes this lost bean feel like such a part of the family. I'm relieved I didn't just toss that envelop, it's symbolic, yk? I think, come spring, I will be burying that envelope and my bfp's in the garden with a stepping stone on top, something that speaks to me maybe a spiritual blessing or something.

I do feel like we will go on and have happy blessings again, but this is also like losing an innocence I didn't know I had. I obviously can't say I like it but I do think going through it will make me a stronger and better person for having experienced this pain. Does that make sense? LOL

Hang in there too, Emmy. We'll both be fine, I know it. Your DS2 is just around my DS3's age, I bet his snuggles have been really nice the last week?

[Emily]

Lace I am so sorry to hear this. I had my first chemical in October and it was horrible. I know that the ticker has nothing to do with it but I put one on the day before I mc'd and also thought - why the **** did I do that?

It does get easier once you have wallowed - and wallow you must. Just getting on with things doesn't work for everyone and I started to feel better only after I allowed myself a massive Hollywoodesque bawling session.

Fingers crossed for BFPs all round soon. I am trying again in March after a sway break and am feeling ready and positive.

[EmmyRoo]

Yes lace, it is exactly like losing an innocence i didn't know I had! I almost feel it's weird that I have 2 kids and am 36 and haven't had a loss before now. I just hope this is the first and last. I hope I'll be stronger for this, I certainly won't take anything for granted if I'm lucky enough to get pregnant again - I've been guilty of that In the past.

Emily is right about having a good wallow, it does help. I thinking grief will get us unexpectedly from time to time, I know the gender scan date and due date will be hard for me, so we must allow ourselves the odd meltdown.

But yeah, we'll be ok.
X

[LacePrincess]

Agreed so much Emmy. Hang in there.

For me, my birthday will be hard. That's because this bean's due date, while not actually my bday, was within a few weeks - close enough that it could've been plausible to have the baby born on my own bday. And Valentine's day will be hard too, as I had presented the original BFP's to hubby as an early Vday gift.

Well, chin up, who knows.....maybe we'll catch the next egg as a late Vday gift. You never know!

[aussiettc]

Hi ladies. Lace, you couldn't be more right when you describe it as a loss of innocence. Its so weird but I never worried about a mc before and now I'm not sure how I'll get past the fear of it happening again if I'm lucky enough to get a BFP. I thought I was doing okay too but there are moments when I catch myself welling up. I'm sure we all just need some time to feel better and in the meantime, should just be really kind to ourselves whilst we're grieving and healing xx