What's wrong with demanding things from your children!?

[Tiggerian]

Well, after having a bit of a heated debate with another mum I was wondering if maybe I am completely of my rockers!?

I don't see myself as a Tiger mum, although this mum definitely thought so, but I do demand things from my children that many mums (around me) don't. In all fairness, until this debate I didn't think I demanded more than many other parents!

My children are age 4 and 2 years old and I demand that they:
- Tidy up their own room and toys (with help)
- Put their own laundry in the laundry basket
- Help with chores, i.e. set/clear the table, help with laundry, put their own clothes in their drawers, feed the cats, etc.

My children also learn a second language - for two reasons:
- We believe it's good for them
- we have plans to move to this Country in the future

We also expect our children to take up one sport (our eldest go to Wado Ryo for pre-schoolers, our youngest will start after he has turned three) and that they learn to play one instrument. They don't need to do it well, but we want them to try - they are free to choose their own instrument. But until they reach High School we do expect them to give it a go! If they decide they hate it in High School they can drop it (obviously if they hate it with a passion and it makes them miserable we won't force them).

My friend believes we are sacrificing our childrens childhood and happiness trying to create an idyllic box to fit them into. Obviously I disagree - I don't see anything wrong with my children spending 45 minutes a week playing music, 30 minutes twice a week doing a sport and learning a second language at home with me (I'm the one teaching them).

I'm hoping and will definitely encourage my children to get a college and university degree. I don't have any demands for what education they take, as long as they take one (it doens't have to be college & uni, that's just what I *hope*)! But this the mum felt was wrong too as it creates unnecessary pressure on the child.

But what do you think? Is it OK to demands things from your children or should you not try to shape/mould your childrens personality and just let them "go with the flow"?

Is it so wrong and abnormal of me to have my children do these things or to hope my children go on to take a good, higher education?

[Mum23boys]

Tough one .... I have 3 boys aged 8,6 and 3 and they are all asked to d things like put dirty clothes in washing basket, tidy up toys after playing with them - the usual stuff ... And we do make them go to swimming lessons once a week on a saturday afternoon as i believe ts a life skill they need to have - we do not however make them do anything else but allow them to do anything that interests them so DS2 attends football club 2 times a week after school because he loves it.
I think the language for you is handy and kids learn so well young. The music im not so sure about but if they seem to enjoy it then i dont see why its wrong - so long as they are not being pressured to do something

[fish2012]

hey hun, i don't think there's anything wrong with it as long as your flexable DS2 may hate wado ryo but i'm sure you'd encourage him to try mini rugby or something instead, i always have to catch myself my ds1 and ds2 are so different what is appropriate for the first (very string willed very bright very high maintance) is not for the second laid back dude ;-0

re chores think that's fine it's what i'm working towards with my two they're only just 3 and 20 months thou!

music is interesting dh feels strongly both should play an insturment from sort age5-10 i'm not musical and can't see the point......we shall see ;-0

i think boys need structure espechally and all kids need to know what's expected of them as long as it's not toooo much xx

[Tiggerian]

Oh yeah if my kids hated it I wouldn't make them do it! I'd like DS2 to try wado ryu, as its easier to take them to the same place same day - but if he hated it or if either of them turned around and said "Honestly mum, I'd rather play football or rugby" then thats what they'd do!

RE music - it comes in form of music lessons. Like atm they do little music lessons in their nursery and they LOVE it. So I don't see the problem in contintuieng it - my eldest loves "playing" on his uncles guitar, so why not give him the chance to learn to play himself!?

I want them to have the opportunity to learn because neither me or their father was ever given to option to try even though we both wanted to.

Its not like they HAVE to be musical prodigies or they HAVE to become olympic champions - its just an option thats open to them and we want them to try!

[my4leafclover]

I don't see anything wrong with what you are doing. In the US having those goals of music and a sport are very common. The chores around the house from what I have seen in my childrens friends homes, not as much, but I do the same with my children. Age appropriate chores and amount of chores. It is their home too AND my belief is that cleaning the house is a team job not a woman's job, so I want my boys to be able to understand that and be good partners when they grow up. Over scheduling is a whole different ball of wax. That is a huge topic of discussion. I have seen many parents live their life around their child's sports schedule only for the child to get to their end of high school or college and decide they don't want to do it anymore.

[nuthinbutpink]

I think the word demanding is a little harsh when speaking about a 4 and 2 year old.

We encourage in our house. Encourage them to try a sport or 2 and they will usually try anything once!

I tell my older 2 to pick up their rooms, put away clothes but not my 2 year old. He still pees and poops in his pants, lol.

[BabyGirl4Me]

I think you sound like an amazing Mum, and you are teaching your children to take care of themselves and be responsible at a young age which I think is great. Not only do I think it's OK to set expectations for children, but I think it's doing a disservice to them to not set expectations. Eventually expectations will be set for them when they start attending school anyway, why not just let them know that you expect certain things from them, and give plenty of love and encouragement for them to meet those expectations. I really enjoyed reading your post. Rock on Tiggerian. :)

[LacePrincess]

Well, in our household everything here would fall into two camps.

1. The 'demands' - This would include skills/knowledge that will develop them into fully functional adults and productive members of society. This would include age appropriate chores, eating good foods and veggies, finishing their homework, health and hygiene, stuff like that. Cleaning up their rooms, bussing their plates at meals, and making their beds. The older two also put away their own laundry. All this is a must and not up for debate. And because the older two are doing all these chores, the youngest sees it and knows not to argue when I tell him to clean up his room.

2. Interests and hobbies and extracurricular - this for us would be 'let's make this fun and encourage their own hobbies and interests'. Every season we let the kids each choose one extra paid for activity. Could be sports, could be arts. We offer and let them choose, and set a limit on cost. We've tried a LOT of different things, lol. I honestly don't care what their passion turns out to be (although I don't like contact martial arts at ALL). We've put them through skating, swimming, hockey, dance, let them try anything that they wanted. So far the older two have finally settled on what they like (DS1 is in soccer and DS2 is in dance), but DS3 is too young yet to be seriously enrolled in anything.

I've always made it very clear that education comes first. So if they start slacking in their homework or grades, they lose access to their extracurricular activities. Because they both LOVE their activities, it's been a good tool to use to make them eat their veggies or clean up their rooms!

[Tiggerian]

I'm not native English speaker - so may have used wrong words. It's more an "overall" demand/expectation of my children as they grow. Not just "now".

[mommymachine]

Hmmm. DS1 is 7.5 and DS2 is 5. They are expected to put clothes in laundry bin, take dishes to the counter after meals (which DS3 -2.5- copies now) and they are both in swimming. DS1 is in hockey and taekwondo and DS2 is in dance. In my experience kids aren't interested in sports besides swimming and skating until 4. My DH takes our 2.5 skating but that's just in fun to get him ready for hockey when he's 4. I know I could probably expect more from DS1, and he is always asking to help to the laundry, I guess I want them to stay work free for as long as possible but I do want then to know that families pitch in an help each other. You've given me a lot to think about! Maybe I need a chore chart!

[RedCanoe]

I have expectations of my kids, for sure. I think age appropriate chores around the house (pick up their toys, put away their laundry, etc) are fair. Like a PP said, they live here too, and need to pitch in. Also, I don't think I would be doing them any favors to do it all for them and have them think that someone will always be around to pick up after them. Had some college roommates like that, and no one really liked living with them. I also expect that they do their homework and do well in school.

As for extracurricular activities, the older two are both in swimming, as I think it's important. Luckily they both love it, so I have not had to "force" them, lol. DS1 tried soccer for two years and asked to quit. I let him, as I could see that it did not jive with his personality. I let them pick what they want to do for extra activities. But I don't think it's unreasonable to have them try a few things like sport or music...

[prettyinpink18]

I think the part about being expected to do chores (and learning this at a young age) is a really good idea. My boys are 10 and 12 and we have never really enforced specific chores consistently aside from cleaning up their rooms, picking up toys, clearing their dishes etc. and it has proven to be an issue now. I constantly have to nag for them to put clothes in the hamper, pick up their coats and shoes and sports equipment. It is always left on the floor an all over the house. I wish I had enforced this when they were much younger as it would be easier now. DD is only 2 but we won't make the same mistake with her. She likes to clean up her toys and tries to put her plate/cup on the counter by the sink and we will continue to encourage her to keep up with it.

[4devochki]

Tiggerian, people's standards have collapsed. Carry on holding your dears to a higher one--they'll thank you for it!

signed,
mom whose kids learn 2 foreign languages, do chores, and practice music for an hour a day (tee hee)

[Rainbow baby]

I think structure and routines are good for children, "demands" is just another way of putting it! I think children need a little bit more of these chores and expectations thrown at them. How else are they supposed to learn how to be adults! Do we really want "lazy teens" that wont pick up after them self! Nope train them while they are young I say :) As for pushing them! I think you just have to be aware you can push them to much and turn them into manic depressants who will never think they are good enough for anyone and anything!!!

[Maybebaby#3]

U sound like a great mom to me! Mine are 2 and 4 also and i have them pick up their toys an lil stuff like that and i WISH i could have them play a sport and an instrument but i cant bc money is tight otherwise i def would! And another thing, ur teaching ur kids not to be lazy and thats a great thing! Keep it up mom!

[Tiggerian]

Thank you girls!! That mum really had me worrying a lot for a while!

I spoke to my OH about it too and of course our childrens happiness comes first. However, neither of us believe that the desire to achieve or do well necessarily comes naturally and we want to instill this in our children. We would never push them beyond their capabilities or force them to do something they hated - but we both believe you've got to immerse your children into new experiences. If you don't offer, how will they know!? If they don't know these things and opportunities are out there and we don't offer them, we believe we are doing them a dis-favour (is that a word?)

So thank you very much! You've calmed me down a lot!

[Mum to three girls]

I'm on my phone at work so this won't be wordy but I actually enjoyed the "Tiger Mom" book. Firstly because it was so satirical - which the author said that American readers largely didn't get- but also because it was thought provoking. I am NOT a "Tiger Mom" but appreciated her point that parents often talk about kids "following their passion" even when their "passions" only seem to be Facebook or watching TV. Her oldest daughter is quite vocal now about how much she appreciates being fluent in Mandarin and how much pleasure she gets from playing the piano.

I don't personally have the time or energy (or inclination) to push my kids to that extent but if they're interested in something and have talent I'll certainly strongly promote it. DH has some musical talent and wishes he'd been encouraged to continue his music lessons when he was younger.

[Cinss]

I think everything you encourage your kids to do is great, what else would they be doing with their time... Playing video games or watching tv, Kids love learning and helping parents so its all good!

[Just <3 One <3 Girl]

I believe thats completly reasonable =] they learn to respect you and their own belongings my boys do laundry help take care of the baby pick up toys and vacume we use points towards allowance it works :-)