Please help me decide

[Justjessica]

I have my gender scan tomorrow and I've no idea whether I should find out or not. This is my last baby for medical reasons so I really want to enjoy this pregnancy the best I can. I would desperately like to know but I'm worried how I will react. I don't want to be unhappy for 20 weeks but equally I don't want it all to hit me at the birth when I'm tired and hormonal. I've always been fine before when I found out. DS2 was a failed shettles baby conceived the month after a miscarriage. DS3 was a calcium/mag sway (I'd started taking supps in preparation for a sway in the future) and I was breast feeding and getting next to no sleep and i missed a couple of pills that month. So I kind of feel like given my history I'm not holding out tons of hope that anything I do sways at all! But I feel a massive sense of pressure this time knowing it's the last baby that if I hear blue I might not hold it together like in the past.

It is also DH's birthday this week and I don't want to bring him down or spoil his day, so toying with idea of getting them to write it down and looking closer to the birth but I have no idea what is best to do. Sorry for long rant. I thought I would have decided before now. Please help!!!

[NearlyDone]

Personally i always needed to find out i was always too scared of being dissapointed at birth.....but i think its a v personal decision some people feel like it ruins the rest of pregnancy personally i felt it was my 20 weeks to excite myself about having another girl.

[cvd]

I agree with NearlyDone. It's a personal decision and I also had to find out. With DS1 we found out just cause we wanted to know (didn't have a preference, although we were both hoping for a boy) but this time I wanted to know so I wouldn't be sad at birth. I was sure this was a girl, I would have hated to keep thinking that then be surprised with a boy a birth, I wouldn't have taken it very well. But now - as NearlyDone said I got to prepare and excite myself with having a boy and I truly am excited! There's no way I could have waited till birth, to each their own of course! Hope you hear pink tomorrow though!!! We've had a great streak :) Keep us updated on what you decide to do :)

[Atsaukina1]

has anyone not found out and actually been sad at the birth?? i know i hear a lot of people say that here but i can't picture that happening you will see your child and just be sooo in love. good luck either way:)

[Wanting-a-girl]

I was planning to be team green this time but I'm having second thoughts.... I know I wouldn't be sad with this baby being boy #4 but I wonder if I will feel let down at the birth if it's a boy I know if it was a girl surprise I would be over the moon and so happy... You got to do what you feel is right for you... Do you think you will be a little sad at the birth if its a boy?

[jennaesue]

I did not find out with ds1, but I was very much hoping for a girl, and without even realizing it, I had convinced myself he was a girl. I had horrible postpartum depression. I cried for weeks and I didn't really bond with him until he was probably about 3 months old. Now, that wasn't all due to him being a boy, I had an induction, it was a very difficult labor and birth, I tore very badly and ended up fainting afterwards. And then he had trouble latching on, and I felt so guilty beside I gave up trying to breastfeed. But I just had this weird sense that I had come home with someone else's baby, because this was a boy, and I was supposed to have a girl! With both ds2 and ds3, I found out, and it was so much better to know beforehand. I had time to process it and get used to the idea, and like CVD said, even get excited about a new little boy. I just had a little bit of "baby blues," and it got better each time. I have a very hard time adjusting from being pregnant to having a newborn. I love being pregnant, and I kind of go through a period of grieving over not being pregnant anymore (I know it's ridiculous, but that's just me!) so I know I am already an emotional ball of hormones after giving birth, it's not the best time for me to find out the baby's gender.

[NearlyDone]

I had ppd with dd2 (not gender related) i think thats why the thought of not knowing always scared me after that.......when emotions can be unstable anyway id hate to be suddenly having to deal with disappointment+all the normal after birth stuff...........good luck for tomorrow if you do decide to find out xx

[Wanting-a-girl]

thats so true!! there are always at least a few days after birth that im feeling really down.. ive never had ppd but i can imagine the surprise maybe playing into that possibly...

[Mrs_P]

has anyone not found out and actually been sad at the birth?? i know i hear a lot of people say that here but i can't picture that happening you will see your child and just be sooo in love. good luck either way:)

I know a couple that have, it didn't last for long (one of the moms on here was the worst but was ok after a couple of days). My friend shed a few tears at birth as she didn't get her girl and i know one mom disappointed not get her boy but the disappointment was only a secondary feeling.

Its not something i ever wanted to risk in my opinion and it can happen when emotions are running high and are all over the place, all i ever wanted to greet my baby with was sheer excitment. good luck whatever you choose x

[Justjessica]

I did not find out with ds1, but I was very much hoping for a girl, and without even realizing it, I had convinced myself he was a girl. I had horrible postpartum depression. I cried for weeks and I didn't really bond with him until he was probably about 3 months old. Now, that wasn't all due to him being a boy, I had an induction, it was a very difficult labor and birth, I tore very badly and ended up fainting afterwards. And then he had trouble latching on, and I felt so guilty beside I gave up trying to breastfeed. But I just had this weird sense that I had come home with someone else's baby, because this was a boy, and I was supposed to have a girl! With both ds2 and ds3, I found out, and it was so much better to know beforehand. I had time to process it and get used to the idea, and like CVD said, even get excited about a new little boy. I just had a little bit of "baby blues," and it got better each time. I have a very hard time adjusting from being pregnant to having a newborn. I love being pregnant, and I kind of go through a period of grieving over not being pregnant anymore (I know it's ridiculous, but that's just me!) so I know I am already an emotional ball of hormones after giving birth, it's not the best time for me to find out the baby's gender.
That sounds really tough for you. Thanks for sharing your story.

[maybeoneday]

I didn't find out with either of my boys. DS1 I was convinced he was a boy when I was pregnant so no big surprise! DS2 I was convinced he was a girl so big shock when a winky came out! I was not disappointed at birth but it did take me a while to adjust to him not being a girl and I found it very hard when all my friends seemed to get their desired gender and in most cases their pigeon pair!

This time I am finding out (on Thursday as you all know!) I need to have got my head around it this time as having a surprise when it is not the gender you expected was really hard.

However, it is a totally personal decision and only you know how you will react on the day.

Good luck for tomorrowxx

[Justjessica]

has anyone not found out and actually been sad at the birth?? i know i hear a lot of people say that here but i can't picture that happening you will see your child and just be sooo in love. good luck either way:)

I wouldn't be sad at having a boy. I really like boys. I would just be sad about never getting to experience what it's like to have a girl. Which is really difficult to admit to as one of my closest friends in RL hasn't been able to conceive in over 10 years, so I realise I am very lucky to have my children at all and so I feel like a bad person if I even get a twinge of sadness if they say boy. So that's why I'm thinking maybe if I waited like you say when you see him hopefully all I would feel is happy but I don't trust myself!

[5boysandcounting]

For me I had to find out. I am extremely impatient anyway so waiting was driving me mad. Also I know for me that it would be best to get any disappointment I may feel out the way before the baby was born. I did not want anything to spoil my babies arrival and I knew I would have to work through those feelings before the birth.

I have found out the gender with all of my children and although with my boys I was disappointed I wasn't having a girl at first it really helped to give me time to get used to the idea, choose a name and bond with my boys. When my boys were born I felt like I already knew them and all I felt was joy.

It is a very personal decision though and everyone reacts differently, Good luck with your scan whatever you decide and I will be thinking of you tomorrow xx

[Mommyof3boys]

has anyone not found out and actually been sad at the birth?? i know i hear a lot of people say that here but i can't picture that happening you will see your child and just be sooo in love. good luck either way:)

I didn't find out with any of mine. With ds1 and ds2 it really didn't matter because I knew we would have 3, but when ds3 was born and the dr said "it's a boy". I immediately said "oh nooooo!" and DH said "I'm so sorry". He knew I really wanted a girl and felt bad but he was thrilled. I didn't want to hold ds3 for about an hour but after that I was fine and really it hasn't bothered me much since then. I did have some ppd but I don't think it was related to him being a boy.

[Mommyof3boys]

I have my gender scan tomorrow and I've no idea whether I should find out or not. This is my last baby for medical reasons so I really want to enjoy this pregnancy the best I can. I would desperately like to know but I'm worried how I will react. I don't want to be unhappy for 20 weeks but equally I don't want it all to hit me at the birth when I'm tired and hormonal. I've always been fine before when I found out. DS2 was a failed shettles baby conceived the month after a miscarriage. DS3 was a calcium/mag sway (I'd started taking supps in preparation for a sway in the future) and I was breast feeding and getting next to no sleep and i missed a couple of pills that month. So I kind of feel like given my history I'm not holding out tons of hope that anything I do sways at all! But I feel a massive sense of pressure this time knowing it's the last baby that if I hear blue I might not hold it together like in the past.

It is also DH's birthday this week and I don't want to bring him down or spoil his day, so toying with idea of getting them to write it down and looking closer to the birth but I have no idea what is best to do. Sorry for long rant. I thought I would have decided before now. Please help!!!

This is exactly how I feel. I am going next week and I don't want to be upset for the remainder either. I also thought about having them write it down and giving it to a trusted friend until a couple of weeks prior to the birth, but I don't know if I even have the willpower to hold on to it long enough to get it to anyone without looking at it. I know that I don't want to know right now for sure but I think it might help a little to know before the birth.

[yearningyoyo]

If this is definitely your last child and it does turn out to be another boy then you will need time to grieve for the daughter you imagined but who will never be. That grieving process is usually most intense for the few weeks after you learn that she's never coming (and ofcourse it will pop up again at other times of your life). That grief has nothing to do with the love or bond with your new child and I think its really important to be clear on that in your own head. So, no matter how much you love or bond with the new baby you will still need to grieve for the daughter you "lost" (assuming here its a boy). Only you can decide when the best time is for you to (potentially) have to have those first few weeks of intense grieving. Personally, I didnt want it to be during those first few weeks with my newborn baby. I got alot of my grieving done after my 20 week scan. By the time my baby came I was in a good place in terms of welcoming him to our world and just focusing on loving him. I am really pleased that I made that decision, I did not think about my GD again until quite a long time after his birth and I am really grateful for that. Goodluck with firstly your prayers for pink and secondly working out your best grieving time (although I will pray for you that it will be celebrations instead!)

[Mum23boys]

Good luck today chick - have you made a decision ? I just wrote a similar post - im too scared to find out but part of me really wants to know ..... Ive convinced myself its a boy already though so at birth i dont risk dissapointment and ive never felt anything other than a rush of love at brth so cant imagine being upset then but i know i might grieve a week or so after when it really hits me but hey finding out or not isnt going to change things - it is what it is after all. Good luck with your decision.

[inshaallahxx]

Did you sway if you don't mind me asking?

[cvd]

Did you decide to go through with it justjessica??? Eek! Ill be stalking for your update hehe

[Justjessica]

Thanks to everyone for your advice, your stories and kind words. I decided that the most important thing to me today was just to have a happy scan. So I decided not to ask and I really enjoyed the whole thing from start to finish :) I do have the answer in a sealed envelope so if I feel like I need a week or two to prepare then I have a back up policy and I feel a lot calmer knowing it's there if I need it.

[Justjessica]

Did you sway if you don't mind me asking?

I did the LE diet from July till BFP in October.

[inshaallahxx]

Nice! GL on everything. :)

[jennaesue]

I'm glad you made a decision you are happy with and that you had a good experience at your ultrasound! I'm a little bummed out not to get to hear what you are having, though. Maybe you could send that envelope over here and I'll hold on to it for you. ;)

[Mrs_P]

hey thats a good idea jenna!

I've always wondered when you ask the techs to write it down if they do or if they'd be tempted to write something like "you don't really want to know, wait a few more weeks and have a great suprise!"

or you'd be really gutted if you opened it and it said

"sorry babe in a bad position - unknown"

[5boysandcounting]

I'm glad your scan went well. Wow I really admire your patience. I wouldn't have even got to the car without ripping open that envelope :) x

[Tree]

You have the answer in an envelope and haven't opened it... That is incredible will power! And very exciting! Do let us know when you open it. Glad your scan went well and was happy!!

[Niva]

Glad you enjoyed your scan! I am also almost set on not finding out when we do eventually get our bfp. I did find out with DS 1 and I really didn't get to savor my pregnancy OR the first few weeks of his life as much due to GD. I hadn't realized how much I had wanted a girl until I found out at 14 weeks that he was a boy, and then I spent the rest of the pregnancy and the first few weeks worried about how I was ever going to cope with raising a boy. It did kind of ruin the pregnancy for me. Once he started to get some personality, though, and I just loved him for who he was, and now I know I needn't have caused myself so much anxiety over something that was not nearly as bad as I had feared.

Now that I know I LOVE little boys (!!) I think my only disappointment would be missing out on not having a girl. I know for sure I will love the new little one right away when s/he is born, so I'm going to try to stay team green. I tend to process my disappointment in advance so I will mentally prepare myself during the pregnancy to have either gender.

Anyway, I don't know if this helps you much, but if you are like me and tend to get more anxious about things before they are upon me than after they have arrived, I think staying team green will be good. I only prolonged my disappointment by finding out so far in advance. Once the moment arrived, I was able to rise to the occasion.

[NearlyDone]

I had dd3 in an envelope....only managed about 5 mins after leaving tho lol

[Justjessica]

Jenna, Mrsp, 5boys and Nearly you all made me laugh! Envelope definitely still intact and I feel so much happier now. It's like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders knowing I could find out if I have to but just enjoying looking at my scan pic and feeling happy LO is ok. Especially as I was in hospital before Christmas hooked up to a drip on all kinds of drugs for a while. One of the infections I had completely burned off my stomach lining so I had to live on porridge and dry toast for 6 weeks all over Christmas till it grew back but baby is doing great!!! The tech said he had definitely identified the gender so it's sitting at the bottom of my drawer ready for a rainy day. When I open it you guys will be the first to know after DH of course!

[Justjessica]

Anyway, I don't know if this helps you much, but if you are like me and tend to get more anxious about things before they are upon me than after they have arrived, I think staying team green will be good. I only prolonged my disappointment by finding out so far in advance. Once the moment arrived, I was able to rise to the occasion.
It did help thank you. I spent the last 8 weeks driving myself nuts worrying about how I would react and I realised I'd rather just enjoy this pregnancy as it is my last. I know I would enjoy it more if I knew girl for definite but I weighed it up and like you say if it does turn out blue I thought it would be worse for me to prolong the disappointment. Though I've convinced myself the pic has a girly head so hopefully not setting myself up for a big fall.

[Wanting-a-girl]

Good luck and I look forward to an update! Are you waiting till birth?

[Justjessica]

Good luck and I look forward to an update! Are you waiting till birth?

I'm going to try. I would love a surprise as I haven't had one before and this is my last chance but I strongly suspect I will probably have a look a week or 2 before if I start to panic about my reaction but I really, really hope I can do it. Fab profile pic btw - what a gorgeous little fella.

[Wanting-a-girl]

Ya I feel the same But I have three boys and I know I will not be upset at all with a boy but it might be like ripping off a baindaid as this is def my last baby... DH is getting fixed after this babe I was planning on not finding out at the beginning and now I really dont think I can

[Justjessica]

Ya I feel the same But I have three boys and I know I will not be upset at all with a boy but it might be like ripping off a baindaid as this is def my last baby... DH is getting fixed after this babe I was planning on not finding out at the beginning and now I really dont think I can
Good luck with whatever you decide :)

[Mum23boys]

Wanting a girl Im the same as you With 3 boys ( one with autism and dyspraxia amoung other things ) and although i feel this is a boy and although dh is desperate for a girl and we did sway I cant ever see myself being disspointed at birth when i see his little face. My heart might drop a little bit but it wont last more than a minute of 2 where as if i know in advance i think the dissapointment would last longer and get to me so id rather wait till he is born and know that the love ill feel will outweigh any other feelings.
Like you this is also our last baby and DH is getting "done"
I really hope we both get our daughters.