Being happy VS having GD

[NYFamilyOfFiveRoses]

It is amazing, I see so many pictures on my husband's friend's list on facebook of families with either 3 girls or 3 boys and then I click to look at pictures and they are all happy picutres. These people are living life, going out. I have no clue on how they deal with the comments.

Me, on the other hand, since I had #3, I still do not go out in public with all 3. I love DD3, but clearly this is not how I wanted my life to pan out.

I just do not get why others accept, go on and are happy, and I have GD and the baby is already 11 months old.

My dh even tells me after trying HT we have to count on 90% it not working. Then he says "will you then hate me" and say I cannot make boys. Will you be even more miserable to say all this money and it did not work. Or will you be thrilled that you at least tried.

I look at these pictures of 3 boys or 3 gilrs, and say "How could they possibly be happy and not want that boy or girl"? I just do not get what is different with them and not me.

I know if I do not have a boy, I will carry this with me forever. Yes, I may go on with my life eventually but the desire will never leave me.

[Zivic-Bubac]

I guess some people are just TRULY satisfied with their family make up (all gilrs/boys)- which is beyond me....
I know couple who adopted 2 girls because they couldn't have biological kids and 2 girls were always their dream family http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys/smiley-confused004.gif (http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys.php)
I guess you already know some poeple are aiming for 3 girls for perfect family make up ( there was 1 lady on IG, Grl4Bekah who always wanted 3 girls, but got boy as a 1st child, but in 1 post she said she'll keep swaying for her 3 girls no matter how many boys she gets on the way....)
So, my 'wise' conclusion would be that everyone is different and that there are many out there who envy you big time.

You know, reading Gender Dissapointment from moms w/boys only helped me a lot, and I mean A LOT to accept what God meant for me. But I understand you, the desire for a boy is stucked in my mind and heart and it's not likely it will go away ever.:worry:

[NYFamilyOfFiveRoses]

Its strange because the women who aked me 2x already and claims she does not remember asking me the 1st time on what I have as far as my children tells me that she wanted 3 boys. She has 1 girl and 2 boys. I have 3 girls.

But with the comments like even my new babysitter, I told my DH it better not F---- come out of her mouth about me having 3 girls. Then he tells me everyone comments on stuff not realizing tha that you have GD.

I always try to give everyone a heads up and say "we had a 3rd girl and we are happy". Or I am warning you "do not ask me when I am having the boy if you interview to watch my kids".

Then sometimes after I tell somebody I had the 3rd girl they completely say something like I never even told them.

My friend tells me to tell them my dh only shoots out girls. I would never say something like that. That makes me feel worse. I know she was just trying to help me. I told her about pgd and she was so against it.

I am sure in time I will eventually go out with all 3. It is work especially the ages 8, 4 and 11 months.

Thanks so much.

[nuthinbutpink]

I am you 2 years ago. I have been there and I know what you are feeling. I had that moment after my BFN from my fresh HT cycle when I had to come to grips with reality and realize that this may be it for me. Going through the HT process really provided clarity for me. I realized that the radical lenghts I would go to to make something happen had to have a limit- both for financial and mental health reasons. I think what your husband asked you is a great question. What happens if it doesn't work? What does that mean for him is what he wants to know. I think sometimes we forget about how our disappointment in our circumstances can make our loved ones feel like they are not good enough. I think those of us on here are very lucky to have supportive husbands whether it be swaying or HT. I think his question is one that you should ponder and he obviously is feeling pressure and concerned with how this may play out for both you and him.

Do you do anything for yourself? I know for me, life was and is still about my kids since I am a SAHM and I think it is so critical to find something that is yours, something you like to do- hang out with a group of friends weekly, a sport, working out, etc but something in this life has to be yours and must have nothing to do with your DH or your kids. You must get out. People that live in caves only see shadows. You need to see the light!

[NYFamilyOfFiveRoses]

[QUOTE=nuthinbutpink;26860]I am you 2 years ago. I have been there and I know what you are feeling. I had that moment after my BFN from my fresh HT cycle when I had to come to grips with reality and realize that this may be it for me. Going through the HT process really provided clarity for me. I realized that the radical lenghts I would go to to make something happen had to have a limit- both for financial and mental health reasons. I think what your husband asked you is a great question. What happens if it doesn't work? What does that mean for him is what he wants to know. I think sometimes we forget about how our disappointment in our circumstances can make our loved ones feel like they are not good enough. I think those of us on here are very lucky to have supportive husbands whether it be swaying or HT. I think his question is one that you should ponder and he obviously is feeling pressure and concerned with how this may play out for both you and him.

I am hoping that if things do not work out at least I know that I tried. I am hoping this but I cannot predict how I will feel. I am in therapy already so I would continue.

Do you do anything for yourself? I know for me, life was and is still about my kids since I am a SAHM and I think it is so critical to find something that is yours, something you like to do- hang out with a group of friends weekly, a sport, working out, etc but something in this life has to be yours and must have nothing to do with your DH or your kids. You must get out. People that live in caves only see shadows. You need to see the light!

I pretty much color my hair when I need to or take a break from the kids when I can like today DH took my older ones to his family. So I just got a break and I am with the baby, but what do I do for a break come on this site LOL. I guess for myself right now is I come on here I go on ingender. I go out when I drive my daughter to and from preschool and I talk to some of the mothers there. I pretty much go where I have to go.

But I do not socialize and go out like I used to when I had only 2 daughters. I function when I have to be out there. But I find I rather avoid situations because of dumb comments.

I go out on weekends with the family. I guess just though during the week I do not go and come like I used to. Like things I used to do daily, I stopped doing because of comments and because of my daughter in preschool and that breaks up the day.

[nuthinbutpink]

Well, I wish you could find something that was just for you that you can do once a week atleast...some sort of class, go out for a drink with an old friend...find something else to talk about that doesn't involve our kids! Like before we had them, I know we could carry on a conversation! Try to find something that is yours to help remove some of the stress about wanting a boy. I know it will not make it go away but I think it would help get you back out there and let you step out of the mom-role every so often.

Motherhood can be very lonely and you locking yourself up just because you have 3 girls is just no way to live. You have to get out there. You can do it. Your post reads like you are embarrassed that you have girls and no boy which I can relate to because it made me feel weak and I hated that. But, you have a lot to look forward to, really you do. It's hard when they are so young and you get bogged down in the pink, the baby girl stuff. They grow up. Quickly. They are going to need you to be present and I am glad you are in therapy to help you work through this. It is nice to have someone to talk to in real life.

[NYFamilyOfFiveRoses]

Well, I wish you could find something that was just for you that you can do once a week atleast...some sort of class, go out for a drink with an old friend...find something else to talk about that doesn't involve our kids! Like before we had them, I know we could carry on a conversation! Try to find something that is yours to help remove some of the stress about wanting a boy. I know it will not make it go away but I think it would help get you back out there and let you step out of the mom-role every so often.

Motherhood can be very lonely and you locking yourself up just because you have 3 girls is just no way to live. You have to get out there. You can do it. Your post reads like you are embarrassed that you have girls and no boy which I can relate to because it made me feel weak and I hated that. But, you have a lot to look forward to, really you do. It's hard when they are so young and you get bogged down in the pink, the baby girl stuff. They grow up. Quickly. They are going to need you to be present and I am glad you are in therapy to help you work through this. It is nice to have someone to talk to in real life.

Thanks very much.

I speak to my therapist biweekly.

I have my good and bad days also.

I think after I loose this last 10 pounds I will feel better also.

[Flava]

I have 4 girls and we are happy. At first after DD4 I was thinking like this...like everyone is looking at us with the 4 girls and so on so on. But somehow it just gone...I don't even care and I don't think others looking at us.
Yes we still wish for a boy but still we are happy!

[My Fabulous Children]

I know a lot of people who do not care about the GENDER so that's why they don't have GD and I'm sure that's why they don't really care about any comments.

But MOST of the people who don't care about the gender they got boys. I noticed alot of people wanting boys more than girls :( and especially in my community :thumbsdown::thumbsdown::thumbsdown:

[My Fabulous Children]

I have 4 girls and we are happy. At first after DD4 I was thinking like this...like everyone is looking at us with the 4 girls and so on so on. But somehow it just gone...I don't even care and I don't think others looking at us.
Yes we still wish for a boy but still we are happy! :agree:I like how you think.

[TexasMommy]

When I was a child & pictured my "ideal" family-- I always wanted 4 kids; 2 boys & 2 girls. Well now that im actually married & have kids, I want 3. I have 2 little girls, & am currently almost 7wks with #3. To say I want a boy is an understatement. Everyone we tell im pregnant, they say things like: "ill bet youll get 3 girls just because you want a boy so bad, hahahaa!", or (talking to my husband) "you gonna end up being like (name of someone of that 3 girls they know)"...really??! We dont KNOW that this baby is a boy or girl yet...so let go of the 3 girls jokes. Im an only child, so I dont have a ton of neices & nephews or anything to buy for...ive never really got to shop for little boy things..i want a little boy of my own for so many reasons. If I have a 3rd girl will I be upset?? Ill be upset at the fact that ill never have a son (#3 is our last boy or girl)I love my little girls more than anything is this whole world, & i feel like a little brother will complete our family. I went into a store the other day & saw 2 adorable little boy onesies...yes i bought them. I couldnt resist. When i brought them home hubby said I shouldnt have because if it turns out to be a girl it would be hard for me....I left the tags on the onesies & if its a girl ill just take them back... when I go into a public place & i see a family with 3 children, 2 older girls & the boy being the youngest...i think well it IS possible to happen. Everyone is always asking me what do i feel like the baby is..& honestly...I FEEL a girl. But i also think its because i cant imagine getting a boy. We'll see tho...we will be able to know in July. Long wait :( Just take your time & do things when you are comfortable..& dont worry about peoples comments.. i know its hard but SOO many people just need to learn to keep their mouths shut!!! noone thinks about how their little comments affect everyone else. I hope things get better for you.

[NYFamilyOfFiveRoses]

When I was a child & pictured my "ideal" family-- I always wanted 4 kids; 2 boys & 2 girls. Well now that im actually married & have kids, I want 3. I have 2 little girls, & am currently almost 7wks with #3. To say I want a boy is an understatement. Everyone we tell im pregnant, they say things like: "ill bet youll get 3 girls just because you want a boy so bad, hahahaa!", or (talking to my husband) "you gonna end up being like (name of someone of that 3 girls they know)"...really??! We dont KNOW that this baby is a boy or girl yet...so let go of the 3 girls jokes. Im an only child, so I dont have a ton of neices & nephews or anything to buy for...ive never really got to shop for little boy things..i want a little boy of my own for so many reasons. If I have a 3rd girl will I be upset?? Ill be upset at the fact that ill never have a son (#3 is our last boy or girl)I love my little girls more than anything is this whole world, & i feel like a little brother will complete our family. I went into a store the other day & saw 2 adorable little boy onesies...yes i bought them. I couldnt resist. When i brought them home hubby said I shouldnt have because if it turns out to be a girl it would be hard for me....I left the tags on the onesies & if its a girl ill just take them back... when I go into a public place & i see a family with 3 children, 2 older girls & the boy being the youngest...i think well it IS possible to happen. Everyone is always asking me what do i feel like the baby is..& honestly...I FEEL a girl. But i also think its because i cant imagine getting a boy. We'll see tho...we will be able to know in July. Long wait :( Just take your time & do things when you are comfortable..& dont worry about peoples comments.. i know its hard but SOO many people just need to learn to keep their mouths shut!!! noone thinks about how their little comments affect everyone else. I hope things get better for you.

Thanks so much, and good luck to you.

I think when I get my last 10 pounds of baby weight off, at least I will feel good about myself and my body. I mean it is only 10 pounds but with #1 and #2 I got it off a little quicker. I was on antidepresants that did not allow me to loose weight. I am off them for 3 months so the pounds should start to come off now.

Oh and I had the doctors approval to go off them.

I love my girls so much, but it is just very hard.

Some days I am so down in the dumps and some days I am numb from it. It depends.

Thanks.

[1pinkwish]

I think pictures are deceptive, especially the FB kind. LOL I'm sure a lot of people thought the same thing about me and my FB pics and posts before my DD was born. I have always been proud of all of my children, and definitely show off the good times in the pictures I share with friends. But, deep down, there was always the sadness and longing for a daughter to be in those pictures too.

What I found sort of amazing, is that after my DD was (we didn't find out gender till birth), I had a slew of all boy moms telling me how I "inspired" them to try for another baby and how much they really hope it happens for them. Some just made comments like "living vicariously through you", and before this, we had never had conversations about any type of GD.

So, I really do believe it is MUCH more prevalent than anyone makes on, but it's because when you do show a preference people shame you and treat you like you aren't fit to be a parent!

I hope you do find happiness and pride in your family how it is now though, cause I just adore families with lots of little girls. Making just one girl has really seemed like such incredible luck to me, so I can't fathom how it's possible to make even more than that! That's REALLY lucky in my book!!! :)

[purplepoet20]

Some people just with-draw from the world... People can smile all they want but deep down inside they may be very depressed!

I find myself daydreaming about what it would have been like to have just one of each gender. And then I hear fighting and come back to life with boys. I will even sit and stir at them like I am not related to them and they are just there playing. I don't know how I would feel if I had another boy, it may be worse. But over time I am sure I will learn to live with what I have. I just hope my depression doesn't affect how I treat my kids.

[boymom]

I have 3 boys and that was never what I would have imagined for me in a million years...but as time goes on gender really does seem to matter less. I will be swaying for a girl soon but I feel perfectly content now to add another boy too. I was very sad in the thought that I would never have a girl and would look at the family makeup of everyone near me. I can't say I don't look at veryone's family anymore but I can say I don't really care about it now.

I think a lot of people that like to say "they didn't care what they had" are talking in hindsight, It's easy for friends/strangers to have a comment on the makeup of a one gender family when they have one of each!

I think if it was less"shameful" out there in the real world more people would prob open up, but I know for me I don't tell anyone because I don't want anyone to think I am anything but perfectly happy not having a daughter, they don't need to know anymore than that. Oh yeh and another thing, if so many people "don't care" what they have and think we should all be grateful for healthy (I mean that goes without saying that we all want healthy) then why do so many people feel the need to make a comment on the gender makeup of our family.

Sorry I feel like I have just hi-jacked your thread:)

[puppydogstails]

[QUOTE=boymom;30856]

Oh yeh and another thing, if so many people "don't care" what they have and think we should all be grateful for healthy (I mean that goes without saying that we all want healthy) then why do so many people feel the need to make a comment on the gender makeup of our family.

QUOTE] perfectly said :)

[NYFamilyOfFiveRoses]

[QUOTE=boymom;30856]

Oh yeh and another thing, if so many people "don't care" what they have and think we should all be grateful for healthy (I mean that goes without saying that we all want healthy) then why do so many people feel the need to make a comment on the gender makeup of our family.

QUOTE] perfectly said :)

Exactly, those are always the people that give me the comments the ones that have both genders and supposedly do not care.

[boymom]

:)

[Amelie]

I know a lot of people who do not care about the GENDER so that's why they don't have GD and I'm sure that's why they don't really care about any comments.

But MOST of the people who don't care about the gender they got boys. I noticed alot of people wanting boys more than girls :( and especially in my community :thumbsdown::thumbsdown::thumbsdown:


the opposite over here, people who did not care got girls, women who tried everything got boys, everybody wants a girl because shopping for clothes is so much nicer, girls take care of their old parents, there was an article in the newspaper about dads recently preferring daughters. made me sooo sad, I am embarrassed not having a girl, instead in have 2 sons and everyone has to comment on that. They give me the advice to make another one cause I must be sad not to have a daughter(and I am very sad).

[Carnelian]

I feel the same. We're actually going to look to adoption now as I can't 100% guarantee a girl for #3 and as bad as it sounds, I'd rather just have my 2 boys then go onto have a third. We had to do IVF with ICSI and our rates at our clinic all seem to favour boys, we have 2 eggs left and I really want to have PGD on them but it doesn't seem possible unless I do another whole new round and we can't really afford it. On top of that I had very bad pregnancies, high bp and premature births so it just seems safer all round. Unfortunately it doesn't mean we'll be chosen but at least I've tried. It's so sad how there's so many of us that seems to want what the other has. I always thought I'd have girls so it seems bizare that I have two boys. They are gorgeous boys and I love them to pieces so don't want to sound ungrateful but I hate it how ALL my friends and families have either one of each or my brother only has one daughter but that was all he wanted. So I really feel like I'm missing out. :-(

[envisioned]

So, I really do believe it is MUCH more prevalent than anyone makes on, but it's because when you do show a preference people shame you and treat you like you aren't fit to be a parent!


First time poster, long time lurker. I have two DD's. Always wanted a house full of boys. This really resonated with me b/c I remember the first time I ever admitted to a friend that I was terrified of having a DD (this was when I was pregnant with DD1 and I didn't know what I was having), she positively eviscerated me for admitting what I did. It pretty much ended whatever friendship we had. She however, had a DS already and only wanted him.

So IRL there's only 1 other friend I can talk to about this who doesn't judge me for admitting this.

Regarding FB, well, things aren't always as they seem. I've discussed this with friends, and most people agree that others post very edited stuff on there showcasing their happy 'perfect' lives. Hell I did all the time and inside I was dying. I deleted my account after getting pregnant with DD2, b/c for my own mental health, I couldn't take seeing the 'happy families' even if I knew some of them weren't truly happy (for various reasons). Shallow, selfish and immature? Of course. But it was the only way I could cope to try and heal myself mentally b/c I had severe EGD when I was pregnant. It was a very dark place and I've worked and continue to work hard to not let myself go back there. And I fell madly in love with DD2 from the moment she was born and I still can't go back on.

Everytime I get into self pity mode about not having a DS, I look at mom's who have who say have 2-3 DS's wistfully and then I remember that maybe they're looking at me thinking the same thing. We all have our ideal family makeup and if anything this board and IG have made me realize that what's perfect to us, may not be perfect to them.

I know this may come across as soft comfort to the mom's of boys wishing for a DD, but just know that there is someone out there that thinks you are the luckiest woman alive.

[auroara78]

Everytime I get into self pity mode about not having a DS, I look at mom's who have who say have 2-3 DS's wistfully and then I remember that maybe they're looking at me thinking the same thing. We all have our ideal family makeup and if anything this board and IG have made me realize that what's perfect to us, may not be perfect to them.

I know this may come across as soft comfort to the mom's of boys wishing for a DD, but just know that there is someone out there that thinks you are the luckiest woman alive.

Love this and this is so true
Just reading the GD forums has really, really helped me work through my GD with DS2. Knowning that some women would love boys made me realize that while I desire a girl, my boys are special :) It just helped put the pieces into place for me. Thank u all for that.