Just when I think I'm OK...

[BZ94]

So DH's cousin's wife just posted on facebook that they are expecting a baby girl in the fall and when I saw it I just started crying. I really don't know why this bothers me so much as she already has a DD who's 12 from a previous relationship, and a DS who is the same age as my 5 year old (they are in preschool together and good friends as well as cousins) so she already had her PP, what do I care what she has next?

Maybe it's because before I found out I was having my third DS she kept saying "Oh I really hope you have a girl" and when I found out I was having a boy she said "I think I'm more disappointed than you are." Which wasn't true, but just shows how well I hide my GD. I really do like her --in fact I like her more than all the other cousins in DH's family, so maybe I was hoping we'd be going through the baby boy thing together, but now I know that with our babies months apart I'll always be comparing them and feeling bad that she gets to do all the girl stuff while I'm left with the boys.

I just feel like the closer I get to my due date -- any day now -- the more GD I have. DH and I STILL have not agreed on a name, I'm normally a small person but am currently HUGE and anticipating a 9+ lb baby (my last was 9.5 lbs) which makes chasing/carrying/cleaning up after my other two DS's incredibly painful and exhausting, and I just keep wondering why I am doing this again for another boy. I *know* I'll love him as much as I love the other two, but life could be getting easier again when instead it's getting harder, all because I was stupid enough to look around and think "everyone else gets their girl, why not me?"

[shiningstar]

I'm so sorry. I hate when we are feeling better and something sparks our GD.. It really stinks! I remember with ds2 that stuff stopped phasing me after awhile. I would still get tiny pangs here and there, but it didn't cause me to break down. I can only hope the same will happen with this little guy. I hope you find peace & happiness too.

I can relate to you in so many ways. I keep thinking I can't believe I'm doing this again with another boy. I really hate feeling that way but I can't help it. :( I was pregnant and suffering with gd exactly 3 years ago with ds2. It's sometimes hard to believe I'm in the same position. This is something I think about that helps me feel better... I think about if I was told by God that my my third child would be another boy no matter what, I would still want that third baby. I think about what makes me excited about having a baby- taking gender completely out of the equation.
This is my list:
Newborn cuddles
Nursing my baby
Those first smiles
When he learns to say mama
Those first, wobbly steps
And all the other experiences I'll get to have with this unique, new person. I know my life will not be the same without him- It will be better.

I know it's so hard seeing others get the gender you wanted. It doesn't make sense to us now why that can't be us. I do believe one day those pieces will fall into place. Until then I hope you can enjoy those last precious days being pregnant. I know you are probably ready for it to be over but try to enjoy it.

[hlmcdaniels]

Last pregnancy I was expecting a boy when my two SILs were expecting their second, both girls!! I was in your shoes so I know exactly how bad it hurts, I am so sorry, I can tell you that once you do see your DS for the first time you will love him and forget about your gd in the first place=] a plus about having two boys is that my sons are best friends.. and seeing them play together makes my husband and I so happy:) I wish you the best of luck!

[BZ94]

Thanks -- this is actually DS #3 (and definitely our last baby) so I do know that GD will not alter my love for the baby himself, and you're right -- we do get such a kick of watching our other two boys play with each other -- they're like little bear cubs rolling around on the ground.

One of the things that really bothers me is that no one that i know in "real life" with three (or more) boys ever acts like they wanted a girl. I get it, because I don't want ppl to feel sorry for me either, but I feel like we're all trying so hard to act like we don't care when maybe (?) we all could benefit from the support of knowing that there are other people out there (and not just on message boards) who get it. All the all-boy moms I know are acquaintances, not good friends or family, except my mother in law, and even SHE won't admit that she ever wanted anything different (which I find hard to believe because she was ecstatic when SIL had the first - and only- granddaughter).

Also, a neighbor of mine who adopted a boy from Ethiopia two years ago has been on the list to get a girl from China for 6 years and just found out that if she wants a baby in the next month it will most likely be a boy -- but if she waits 3 extra months she can have a girl. She's going for the boy, and I give her so much credit, because as uncomfortable as I am right now I'd easily take 3 extra months of pregnancy to get my DD.