Help - so afraid I will be too jealous of my sister

[luckyfourleafclover]

This is really hard to admit . My younger sister is due in Aug with her 1st baby. She isn't going to find out the sex, doesn't care really either way...it's driving me totally crazy! I am so worried that I will be devastated if she has a girl. My husband says I have to prepare myself for the possibility that she might be having a girl, but I have no idea even how to begin to do that?

My sister and I are very close, I love her so much and I only want to be happy for her. I have been helping her through her pregnancy, and lending her all my maternity clothes, baby stuff etc...she even wants me to be at the birth. I am worried that my GD jealousy will tear us apart as I have some friends with girls that I find hard to socialise with now. (although it's harder when they have had boys first and then girls).

The irony is that although she doesn't mind either sex, she has always imagined having a boy, and chose her boy name years ago. (she is much less of a girly girl than me!)

I am really hoping that if she has a girl, I will feel happy for her and love my niece...if I am really destined never to have a daughter, maybe a niece would be the next best thing?

The waiting is driving me mad.

Anyone had a similar situation or offer some advise as to how I can prepare/cope if she has a girl?

Thanks

[nuthinbutpink]

I was in the hospital the day after giving birth to DD3 and got a text message from my sister that her first child, she had just found out via u/s is a boy. It stung but I refused to let myself be anything but happy in front of her. You can do anything you want in private but don't ever show anyone else and certainly not your sister that you feel that way.

You would want her to be happy for you so even if you have to fake it, fake it. Anything else in front of family or her is just not right. Treat her as you'd want to be treated. One day, after she has a few kids, the tables may be turned in your favor. I hope she would be gracious towards you.

Quote-
I have gratitude for EVERYTHING that has ever occurred
to bring me to this moment.

I accept that no one else is ever to blame
for either my joy or my suffering.

The entire cause of all my joys and all my sufferings
is my own emotional response to the events of my life,
and I am committed to consistently distinguishing
between my feelings about events
and the physical occurrences of those events.

I declare that everyone who has ever played
any role in any of the events of my life
is entirely without fault.

- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

[iluvmy4sons]

My SIL had a girl 7 months after my 3rd DS was born. I was jealous that her first child was a girl. I however did not act upset or treat her any differently in front of my SIL. I love my niece and have enjoyed buying her girly things the last 7 years. Since you have a close relationship with your sister you should be able to have a close relationship with her little girl if she does have a girl in August. Part of my SIL and my relationship has been strained so sometimes it is hard to have a close relationship with my niece.

[strawberrymom]

I don't have a sister so I can't advise to that. I did want to say that I had some amazing relationships with my aunts and you might find the same joy in a niece.

[BZ94]

I actually think that the only person I could be truly excited for- and not jealous of- if they had a girl would be my little sister. In my mind it would be the next best thing to having a dd of my own!

[I Love Ladybugs]

I don't think that I am jealous over my sister's two girls, but I know that when my SIL and brother had a girl after 2 boys, I had some green eyes. What sets me off the most is how much my parents go on about how cute and sweet this little granddaughter is. She is as much of a handful as any of the boys though!

I am with the fake it till you make it crowd, and hoping that your next HT journey brings your daughter into your life!!!!

[kpmum]

I understand how u feel. My cousin who is like a sister to me had her first baby- a girl of course. She is the type of person who's had everything given to her in life and no real issues. I love her to bits though but when I found out I did feel that pang of jealously. However her daughter has been the most challenging, unsettled baby I've ever known. She is 10 months now and still wakes 5-6 times a night. Her poor DH sleeps on the couch. My boys were like dream babies. I've since realised I am very lucky to have my little boys and just because someone has your DG doesn't mean their life will be perfect.

[luckyfourleafclover]

Thanks for all your replies. Of course I have never and will never show my sister, or anyone else how I feel (except my DH).
Even though she knows how much I want a daughter, she could never understand the full feelings of GD.
I will only ever show her support and happiness, and I hope I will feel genuinely happy for her, even if it hurts too.

Luckily I can talk to my DH about my real feelings and he is very supportive.

NBP - what crazy timing of your sisters scan! sounds like you handled it in a more dignified way than I could have managed! I love those quotes btw.

[crazyladyneedsababy]

My little sister fell pregnant 4 weeks before me, it was so funny as we told each other at the same time. Anyway we both had DS1 at the time and talked about how fab it would be too have wee girls etc. She went for a private gender scan at 16 weeks and I actually hoped it was a boy, when she came in and told us it was a girl, my heart sank. All I got after it from everyone was 'wont it be fab if you both have girls' 'ah one of each would be brilliant' I wasn't going to find out and had told people that I wasn't. Well I ended up booked in for a private gender scan and sobbed my heart out when I heard it was a boy. I never told anyone we knew, I had to go shopping and see all the wonderful pink things she was buying etc. I actually resented her so much as her eldest was 10 and she always said she never wanted anymore, she made her hubby have the snip and when the broke up she fell pregnant by accident to someone else. I just kept thinking how unfair it was.

Anyway when my niece was born I just loved the bones of her and I still do. When DS2 was born a few weeks later all the resentment went and I don't even think about it now, tbh Im really ashamed of myself. My older sister also has girls and It has never even crossed my mind that they are girls iykwim?

Even if you do feel it, I promise it wont last. Just keep it to yourself, put on a brave face, smile and enjoy the fact you can buy pink :)

[luckyfourleafclover]

thanks - I hope you are right and this feeling wont last. I'm ashamed of how I feel too - and feel terrible to admit I even feel like that.

[ICB3]

My sister had two boys like I have but she got pregnant by accident and now has a baby girl. I am currently pregnant with DS#3. It's been hard especially because I often feel like how did she get so lucky and me so unlucky. I thought I would have a hard time being around my niece but I actually don't. She is a girl but she is not MY girl so I don't feel too much envy like I thought I would. If that makes sense. I hope to have a close relationship with her so I always act very happy around her and never show my sister any GD. The door isn't closed on me trying for a 4th someday and maybe trying HT so that helps too. Good luck it gets easier as time goes on...

[ocean]

I was single and desperate to not be when my baby sister called to say she was engaged. After the call, I had a good cry. But I told myself that was it, one good cry, and that after that moment I would be nothing but thrilled for her. That's exactly what I did, partly by will but mostly by love. I was the best maid of honor ever if I do say so. :) And as it turns out, I too was engaged within 18 months to the love of my life.

You're going to love this baby for decades, just like you love your sister. Start now, warm your heart, and you'll feel so much better about yourself too. Jealousy tastes terrible when its about someone you truly love.

[Dreamofpink]

Jealousy tastes terrible when its about someone you truly love.

That's a wonderfully wise way to put it and gave me food for thought. Thank you so much! :)

Sent from my LG-E400 using Tapatalk 2

[luckyfourleafclover]

My sister had two boys like I have but she got pregnant by accident and now has a baby girl. I am currently pregnant with DS#3. It's been hard especially because I often feel like how did she get so lucky and me so unlucky. I thought I would have a hard time being around my niece but I actually don't. She is a girl but she is not MY girl so I don't feel too much envy like I thought I would. If that makes sense. I hope to have a close relationship with her so I always act very happy around her and never show my sister any GD. The door isn't closed on me trying for a 4th someday and maybe trying HT so that helps too. Good luck it gets easier as time goes on...

Thanks so much - it makes total sense. I like what you say about her not being MY girl. So nice and supportive to have this website and find people who just get exactly how you feel even tho you are ashamed of hoe you feel.

[luckyfourleafclover]

I was single and desperate to not be when my baby sister called to say she was engaged. After the call, I had a good cry. But I told myself that was it, one good cry, and that after that moment I would be nothing but thrilled for her. That's exactly what I did, partly by will but mostly by love. I was the best maid of honor ever if I do say so. :) And as it turns out, I too was engaged within 18 months to the love of my life.

You're going to love this baby for decades, just like you love your sister. Start now, warm your heart, and you'll feel so much better about yourself too. Jealousy tastes terrible when its about someone you truly love.

thank you - of course I will love my sisters baby, and I will love it that my boys will have their first cousin! you are right - jealousy does taste terrible

[trifecta]

I have two boys and my sister has two girls. (My other two siblings each have two boys and a girl.) She had her girls long before I had my boys so GD wasn't an issue but I can truly say that my relationship with my nieces is a comfort and something that makes me feel better about my GD. Whenever I think that I didn't get a girl because I was unworthy of a daughter I think of the things I did with them when they were growing up and I know that I would have been fine as a girl-mother. I didn't have two boys because there was anything wrong with me. If your sister has a girl you might be surprised by how much comfort you find in it. I get jealous of people with girls all the time (especially if they have BG) but my nieces are a consolation.

[zibibbogirl]

My brother and sister in law had a baby girl right when I was about to start my HT cycle. When I found out they were having a girl I feared I would resent them if my HT cycle failed because they would have something I didn't have but wanted. But as soon as she was born I was so happy for them, for there to be some pink in our family, I can honestly say I never felt a touch of jealousy or resentment. I was over the moon!

Three weeks later their precious angel passed away. Our entire family was shattered. We all felt like our little girl had been taken away, she was not just their DD. If your sister is having a girl, I really do hope you can be happy for her and that it helps in some way to take away from your GD rather than add to it. And if that does not happen, I agree with NBP, just keep those feelings away from your sister.

[luckyfourleafclover]

OMG that is just too sad. I have no words.

[luckyfourleafclover]

Sorry to come back to this again but my sisters baby is due in 4 days - am making myself sick with anxiety...am so sure she is having a girl...please give me some of your thoughts to help me prepare myself.

[Adia]

Only do what you can handle.

My SIL and brother had a girl after two boys... because SIL ordered it and gets everything she wants. Out of sheer envy that SIL simply ordering a girl and getting one after 2 boys I couldn't hold my niece for the first 2 times I saw her. I just couldn't handle it. I only see them very randomly but this last visit I held her and she's a doll. She's not her mum and I hope the best for her. Her mother favors her way over her brothers and I think that's a shame. She has darling boys but they don't seem to count as much to her.

Decide what you can handle and make up good lies if needs be to cope. If you can't handle seeing your sis in the hospital if its a girl, come up with something. Don't make it harder on yourself than it needs to be.

It always helps me to rehearse what I am going to say when I hear the "good news":sad: I can be more robotic about my reaction than emotional.

Big hugs. Life just isn't fair when it comes to gender of our babies. Keep us posted. We all care!

[luckyfourleafclover]

YES...of course my sister had a baby girl, last night...and well, at the moment I am really feeling ok.

It's been less than 24hrs and already I have had to field loads of insensitive comments from friends & relatives (even from my own mum - who knows we are doing PGD!) I am doing as you all suggested and faking it & keeping a smile on my face....but mostly the smile is real - I am v happy for my sister.

So far so good.

[Adia]

As a good friend points out to me often, remember you are doing PGD for your little girl, not someone else's.

It is wonderful that you can enjoy your niece and be sincerely happy for your sister.

And now that dreaded anticipation is out of the way you can focus on your TTC journey!

[hotdogz&boyz]

Sounds like you are handing it great. It must be hard. But I do agree that now that it's come down, you can focus on your journey to a daughter :) Hugs!

[ocean]

You sound like you're in a good place - and you're handling the silly comments with grace. I don't know if focusing on your own DD dream helps or hurts you, but if it helps, it'd be nice that she'd have a girl cousin in your niece. As someone said well on one of these sites, once the baby years are past and it's just kids in the family growing up, everything changes. Congrats on being an Auntie!

[luckyfourleafclover]

thanks so much ladies - I am mostly doing fine and keeping busy with my boys still off school for summer.

I am worrying about all the 'big' events that I will now have to face that will heighten my GD, but one day at a time...and I am focusing on my HT journey - going back to Genesis soon.

thanks again - this site is a life saver

[1+2+3boys]

I'm glad you are feeling O.K and goodluck for your HT cycle. For some reason I just know that my Sister will have girls, I don't know why but I just do

[3littleladies]

Mines the opposite, cause my sister had a boy and yes Ive got to say I was very jealous, I will never let her know this but Im also happy that she got her desired gender, I honestly don't think the jealously ever goes especially when you yourself don't get your desired gender.

[3boys531]

Its others comments that really make it so much worse. My husbands 2 best Mates have wives that just seem to make underlying comments all the time. Baby sat the little girl the other night. 2 months old. She came home and said does it make you want a daughter. I replied its a baby they are all the same at this point. The other wife will ALWAYS say something like oh the joys of girls or at night when the boys are settled the girl always wants her nails painted or mummy time. It's really very intentional I think and they know exactly what they are saying will hurt.

We just have to smile and act like it doesn't bother us. On the other hand my best friend just had a girl and I love her to bits because MY friends don't have that cruel bone that secretly wants to make me jealous.

You will luv your Niece so much. It will all be good. And she may never have a boy and secretly be envious of you.

[monkeysnuffer]

I am glad you are doing well. A friend of mine had a girl awhile back and she was always asking me to babysit. It was so hard. I find I had to distance myself to not feel bad.

[Mumof3girls]

I'm glad your doing ok and good luck with your HT girl.