Green eyed nasty lady rant right here!

[Rainbow baby]

I just found out my sister is pg 12 weeks (girly nub shot) today. I should be happy right? What's wrong with me. I am not happy I am sad. I am bitter and probably depressed. I am sad she has always got what she wanted and I always got the left overs. She found nothing wrong with aborting her first two baby's and did it only because it looked bad... and told people she lost her last one as some found out before it was done as she was so sick...she wasn't married it wasn't perfect. She gets everything she wants and it's always the best of anything be it clothing food or whatever, has perfect everything, she is much more beautiful her figure is perfect, her son is gorgeous her husband is a hot guy, they have lots of friends are constantly going out spending money. Now she is expecting another and I bet it is a little girl she gets everything she want's it is obvious to me she will have a girl,and it is going to eat me up till the baby is here.... she has been swaying as well on purpose or not.. I am not sure because she has been on this vegi diet and taking vitex bhahahah she will probably read this!! I just feel so sad. Today is an anniversary me.. I found out I lost my angel and started to m/c yet she couldn't even have the decency to wait a week to announce her pregnancy :( Everybody jumps up and down saying yay yay it's going to be a girl...last time I announced a pregnancy all I got was don't you have enough boys your just being greedy some people can't have children. Argg I am so green, why do I get hit with the ugly stick, have no money yet my poor hubby works his butt off so I never see him or have any time to go out I have to suffer several early losses and ectopic at 14 weeks a stillbirth minus one week and now I can't get pregnant because I am on anti depressants because I finally snapped and am mentally ill with anxiety.... in the last 12 months I have lost my son, which nobody ever talks about, lost a woman who was basically my mum without the tittle to cancer, lost my best friend to mental illness consuming him my only other friends moved away I have no one left and to top it all off I now have a mental illness I am struggling with that I never had before. I am so depressed today yet of all the illnesses I don't have depression well maybe I do now. I want a little girl so bad and yet I just want my son back at the same time, I am so confused angry and a horrible person. I love my sister, I really do we are great friends and if you asked if I would want her to go through what I have I would say no way, I mean it isn't her fault and she probably dosn't remember dates and I do want her to be happy and have a girl as well but why do I feel like this?? Am I sicker than I thought? I would rather my lost angel back than a girl but that isn't going to happen why do I beat myself up over things out of my control all the time. I have 3 healthy boys a loving husband I would never trade even if it was for a house hold full of girls and a million dollars. So why do I feel so horrid? I feel like packing up and moving away, somewhere I can start again.. Someone talk some sense into me!! Ill probably delete this later because I will feel bad and I think she will see what a horrible green sister she really has. Right now though I have nobody to vent to, all the people I would go to are gone and I am here feeling quiet alone!! Very bad in fact just getting it out has made me feel better!!

[Zivic-Bubac]

Big, big hugs to you!!!!! I think you are so brave to want to TTC again. I know the feeling of desperation, though most of the time I feel inadequate and ashamed to be mom to 3 girls.

You are not alone, you can always come here, I'm sorry we are not closer so I can come and hug you! Be strong mama, after rain, always comes a Sun!

[Rainbow baby]

Thanks for replying.. I feel better now...I guess I just needed to vent. My poor hubby agree's with me :(apart from the beautiful part :p yay me pfft...he has to say that... I had a good chat with him and he agree's with me (which dose not really make it easier) but at least I know I am not knocking on the crazy door and I am not as alone as I thought....he said he was thinking the exact same thing as soon as she said I am pregnant... just didn't want to upset me! I really should be happy and hope she has a girl at least one of us should my poor parents deserve a grand daughter.

[bunnywabbit]

Aww rainbow, I'm so sorry... :hug2: Yes, that was a horrible thing to do on her part, surely the decent thing to do was give it a little time before she brought it up.

I completely understand where's you're coming from - my sister is much the same as yours (very selfish, always want want want, ditched her DH for another guy as far as I could see because she wasn't conceiving and getting where she wants to be so 'must've been his fault...' now has two daughters and kicked that guy out too. She now has the nerve to complain that 'OMG, can't happen again I'm soooo tired' but for someone with 2 kids she has a hell of a lot of time to do what she'd like, as she'd kick them back to the father when it's 'her time'. Sounds horrible but really hoping for karma to come back to bite her in the butt...). She's completely rubbed the rest of the family up the same way, but DM and DF won't bail on her because she has their grandkids and 'it's in the grandkids' best interests - can't pick your parents'.

We're all here for you should you need to vent - we all understand (some a lot more than others as we're mostly all in the same boat!) what you're going through. Hang in there, rainbow. Don't forget, mc sways pink too... I'm hanging in there on that thought... x

[Adia]

Oh honey, you have been through so much and it is SO hard to see others get what you want with no effort.

I highly doubt you are mentally ill, more so you are very stressed out and going through a REALLY hard time because you have been hit with some very difficult things. Losing a baby has got to be one of the hardest things a woman can go through.

I am so glad you have a darling DH, that is worth so much!!

I completely understand about your sister. I have 8 SILs between Dh and I and so many of them just order their PP or their DG and get it right away. It just isn't fair.

I have been through a lot of heartache in my life too. I was married to my ex-DH who was an alcoholic and bipolar. We had an ooops - DD1 who is also bipolar. Divorced him and did the single mom thing which is hard as hell. Married my wonderful DH and suffered through many difficult deployments and then dealt with two years of hell when he would not get help for his depression. And a lot of other stupid stuff that is just LIFE but it still sucks.

You would think after all our grief we could at least get out DG but nature doesn't seem to care.

Hang in there, take good care of yourself and find time to enjoy the good things in your life when you can.

Big hugs mama!!!

[Rainbow baby]

Thanks ladies, it is nice to have somebody that understand me even just a little bit.

[hotdogz&boyz]

You know...it isn't fair. Some people really do seem to get whatever they want in life. I get why you are jealous and "green-eyed." Sister or not, it sucks to feel second-best and like you can't catch a break.

My only thoughts are that things are rarely as perfect as they seem. Or they can turn on a dime. Sadly for those who are the recipients of spectacular luck, it's not long-lasting. She might have had her run of luck and now it will be your turn. Or perhaps she is not as happy with her life as she seems. Maybe she quietly struggles with self-esteem or is jealous of how happy someone is in their marriage because hers is more surface than anything else. KWIM?

I hope you can move past the hard place you are in right now. The timing was not ideal for her announcement. Hugs to you! I hope your mind settles down soon. I also don't think you are mentally unstable...just stressed and needing support.

[I Love Ladybugs]

I just wanted to give you lots of hugs....and pray that you will be blessed by a girl to complete your family.

It saddens me that she aborted and you have suffered such loss....actually it angers me because there is a girl in my work circle who has had it so easy....golden platter if you wish, and the fact is she used it as birth control, then after 6 abortions went on to have a boy and a girl.

((((hug))))) (((((hug))))) ((((((((((hug)))))))))))

[Rainbow baby]

Thanks ladies it does anger me what she did. I guess she had her reasons and maybe it wasn't as black and white as she makes out but they were my nephews and nieces and although I will support her no matter what it is a big ask to support someone with such an issue when her knowing full well that I am hurting due to losing babies due to ectopic and early loss. I remember her saying to me with a chemical I had that it wasn't even a baby yet she didn't know why I was so upset. I guess she really dosn't understand me and we are on different thinking paths regarding pregnancy. Although I have 3 healthy boys it has not been all sun shine and rainbows for me to have children. I have suffered more loss than the everyday person. For me though, it is experiences I wouldn't change (of course I would if there was a baby) but for every pregnancy I have had I can honestly say it was made with love and never not wanted and every minute I spent with my angels was a minute I wouldn't change. I don't have them all in my dp as my 19 week loss was to me the most life shattering/changing experience and to me he wasn't a m/c he was a baby. I had to labour with him give birth, bath, cuddle, he was dressed but then I had to cremate my son. It just isn't right...:( I know no body can understand what we went through unless they have been there them self. I guess I am more depressed about losing him than I thought and it just all came to the surface that I honestly think I deserve a baby more than her and that that baby should be healthy. Nothing gives me the right to think like that. Every body has the right to healthy children and my sister I honestly would never wish anything bad and life shattering on her. I am just being a green eyed monster but I really can't change my emotions and how I think......although my shrink seems to think otherwise but we will see. Thanks you for all the support I think it is all I needed to see I am being unreasonable and punishing myself un-necessarily.

[Fae]

I'm so so sorry about all you have been through. I can't imagine losing a child. I have definitely been in some dark places and all I can say is that in all honesty they the bad times have made me a kinder more humble person.

I'm not saying the bad times were worth it but that is the good I took away. The people I know that have everything in life handed to them can be lovely people but I often notice them to be shallow and lacking compassion. Without suffering you can't truly know compassion I believe. The deeper you've felt sorrow the deeper your able to feel joy. You're gifts may not be as apparent on the outside as hers but I'm guessing if you look deep down you'll realize how glad you are to be the person you are. Someone who doesn't take a new life for granted. I'm sure you have a strength in you she will never have.

Hang in there!!

[Adia]

I'm so so sorry about all you have been through. I can't imagine losing a child. I have definitely been in some dark places and all I can say is that in all honesty they the bad times have made me a kinder more humble person.

I'm not saying the bad times were worth it but that is the good I took away. The people I know that have everything in life handed to them can be lovely people but I often notice them to be shallow and lacking compassion. Without suffering you can't truly know compassion I believe. The deeper you've felt sorrow the deeper your able to feel joy. You're gifts may not be as apparent on the outside as hers but I'm guessing if you look deep down you'll realize how glad you are to be the person you are. Someone who doesn't take a new life for granted. I'm sure you have a strength in you she will never have.

Hang in there!!

Beautifully said Fae, and so very true. I have though this way for years. So nice to hear others feel the same way.