Just need to write

[Northern_Shutterbug]

Evelyn was born 45 days ago, I should be 27 weeks pregnant and happy. Instead today I'm sad, I'm sat on our kitchen floor crying.

I've been good 90% of the time, I felt I'd moved on quite quickly and was concentrating on the LE diet, getting my cycle back and trying to get our take home baby girl. I had moments of sadness, but felt I was coping. Today feels like its hit me like a ton of bricks. I want my baby back, I don't want to be constantly monitoring what I eat and feeling hungry, I should be eating what I want, eating for my baby girl, watching my bump get bigger, not watching it get flatter.

I packed up Evelyn's clothes last week, I put them into a box for the loft ready for the next baby, but deep down I am just sure it's going to be a boy, and if Evelyn had been a boy I would have been sad, but this time I know it's going to hit me hard. I feel like someone's teasing me, being a bully. Someone said that I didn't deserve a baby when I said how I really wanted a girl, and when we lost Evelyn they said I'd brought it on with my selfishness. Am I being selfish wanting a girl? Is this karma catching up with me?

I am just so so sure I'll be taking that pink box full of clothes down from the loft and giving them away to other lucky mums who get what I so desperately want.

[Charlee]

Awwww no you are NOT being punished.... sometimes fate is cruel, and this is one of those times :( Keeping busy helps... ANYTHING to keep your mind off the inevitable drifting back to the trauma. Writing does help... it's easier to process feelings through the written word for many people.

I can't promise you will have a DD next time... I just found out I am probably having DS3 with this pregnancy after losing my DD last year. Am I bitter? You bet! But there is a bigger picture, and that is what I am trying to focus on. Every time I start obsessing about gender, this little voice in the back of my head reminds me that if I loose this one, I will feel like a complete tool for ever even being disappointed about having another boy. The one thing I have taken from all my losses is that feeling of being grounded... of realizing what REALLY matters.

I commend you on your strength. Like I said before, it DOES get easier with time. You will never forget, but it won't be a daily heart break .... the only thing that truly healed me each time was having a healthy baby. So on that note, I'm sending you all the rainbow baby dust I have.

[Wanting-a-girl]

O northern :( sorry your having a rough day!

I pray that ur next baby is a girl! What happend to u was not karma...

[wilma_five]

First, I'm so very sorry for your loss :sadflwr:
This must be heartbreaking. No matter the gender, it's always devestating to loose a baby at that gestation. But this being your little girl just adds some extra pain because you wanted it so bad.

I don't think it has something to do with karma. Just "bad luck".......
You just cannot be punished for feelings because we don't control what we feel.
Sometimes the nicest people on the planet get cancer for example. These things are not ours to be controlled.

I'm sure your little girl will watch over her baby sister in the near future and I want you to believe that and hold on to that.

[crazyladyneedsababy]

awh northern, your a tower of strength. Having a bad day and being hurt and angry is normal, your grieving and there always will be bad days through the week, months, years, decades. Your not selfish at all, your amazing. I don't know how you picked yourself up and carried on but you have and this proves no matter what the future holds, you can and will handle it :bighug: xxx

[Lld2006]

I was in the due date group the month after you and read your entire journey. My heart truly breaks for you. I think of you OFTEN and pray that you can find peace. What happened to you is NOT karma...God has a plan...and while we do not know the WHY, we just have to trust in him. I just found out I am having DS3 and my heart is heavy and I do not know the WHY, but I am moving on with it (although the days can be difficult...and in no way do they compare to your pain, but just wanted you to know we all question WHY). Just like the above poster said, the best people often have the worst things happen to them. God has a plan. I pray that you are blessed with a healthy baby in the very near future, and fingers crossed it is a girl. Stay strong for your family and I will keep you in my prayers.

[Dana-Alicia]

No, it's not karma. Babies sometimes die. Not often, but it happens. Just like accidents happen. And illness. It's like what my doctor told me when my little girl had died: it's bad luck. There is nothing you did wrong, nothing you did to deserve this. Heck, otherwise what did a little baby do to deserve this? I don't believe in karma. Life really isn't that complicated, it just happens and this time it was you that caught a lot of bad luck :( I hope with all my heart you will have a healthy daughter next time.

[Sway&Wish]

So sorry for your loss.

[Adia]

Nature can play some cruel jokes on us and I think what happened to your little Evelyn was one of them.

I am so sorry for your loss. I read your blog and my heart absolutely aches for you. I would expect you to have days where you end up sitting on the floor crying and can't cope, I think any loving mother would find herself in the same state if we had gone through what you went through.

Many prayers come your way from me. I hope more than anything you find peace and acceptance. And I'll always hope you somehow, someway, get a little girl to ease the ache of the one one you lost.

Big hugs mama!!

[ELP]

Definitely not karma but a mean roll off the dice for her:( I wish you a speedy bfp and a perfect little person to heal your heart xxxx

[Mrs_P]

Northern i have been thinking of you often are the horrible ordeal that you went through. Please don't think any of what happened is your fault, i hope as hard as it was to hear they managed to find what was wrong with Evelyn so that at least brought you some closure. Nothing you could have done would cause genetic abnormality, it is just awful luck.

I can't even begin to imagine the pain you are through and i hope you are finding some comfort in your gorgeous boys and wonderful husband who all sound like they have been a terrific support throughout this ideal.

I truly hope by this time next year you are holding a healthy little baby who helps to mend your heart a little (and i will keep my fingers crossed that it is pink).

[Soar]

Just wanted to say I have been following your story and I think you are so brave! You have taken care of Eveyln with such grace and I am positive she is so proud of you for being her sweet mommy. I am sure she sings your praises everyday in heaven! This is not karma it is a terrible tragedy to have lost a child. I know every mommy on here has your story in her heart and is proud to be a mom along with you! You will have a baby and you will fill your arms with a sweet perfect miracle again! Lots of prayers and hugs your way for you and your family.

[Northern_Shutterbug]

Thank you all. I woke up feeling a bit more positive but it didn't last long, I just feel like I'm sinking further with each day. I'm an awful mum at the moment, shouting at the boys, I have no patience.

I also had an appointment booked for a smear (pap) test but the nurse refused to do it because its not been 3 years since my last, regardless of the fact I have polyps on my cervix, suffer from cysts and my mum has had her uterus removed because of cancerous fibroids and abnormal cells on her last smear test. I said we were TTC so if I got pregnant soon it'd be well over 3 years since my last and she still refused.

I've had a bad feeling about my next test for a while now and now I've got to wait yet another 10+ months.

[Wanting-a-girl]

OMG are you serious!!!!!! that is ridiculous!!!!! are they not aware of your family history?!

[Northern_Shutterbug]

I've just been pulled aside by DS2's preschool teacher, saying she's concerned as he just seems really sad. I'm such an awful mum.

[wilma_five]

No you're really not, just a sad mom! I think your son suffers to under the loss but can'n express himself like a grown up. Maybe it's a nice idea to watch foto's of Evelyn together with him and to talk about it. Just give yourself and your family time to heal.

[Rainbow baby]

I am so so sorry for your loss. I lost my son a year ago and your siggy say's it all it is a complete nightmare.. The last year has been a living hell. I don't even care that he was a boy, I just want my little boy back. I would have another 4 boys if it meant getting him back....

"Someone said that I didn't deserve a baby when I said how I really wanted a girl, and when we lost Evelyn they said I'd brought it on with my selfishness. Am I being selfish wanting a girl? Is this karma catching up with me?"

Some one is a complete idiot!! You are NOT selfish, YOU didn't cause this, YOU wanted your baby YOU didn't choose this!! YOU would have felt the same if you lost a little boy I am sure. It is tragic a life changing event, and know it will never stop hurting but it will get easier!! That someone is ignorant and dosn't deserve for you to hear their nasty words in my opinion! Karma well I know I didn't deserve to lose my baby no body dose. I think it is a part of grieving to feel guilty but NONE of this was yours or anybody else's doing.

Some things that have really helped me in the last year are, writing/drawing my emotions, joining a support group there are a lot on face book. I see a psycologist it took me a year to admit I wanted / needed to! I have really bad days I have really good days now as well but the bad days are getting less and the good more.. some times I feel guilty because I have had a really good day! :) It dosn't mean I don't love him, I think of him everyday but now I think of him in a more positive way even though the events were very negative. Thinking of him makes me feel love!

[strawberrymom]

I, like everyone else who has read your blog, think you are an strong and awesome mom, even if you don't feel it. I think it is normal and actually healthy for your son (and whole family) to feel sadness at these times. It is a normal part of grieving and I would be worried if he wasn't feeling these emotions and was detached.

[Adia]

Someone said that I didn't deserve a baby when I said how I really wanted a girl, and when we lost Evelyn they said I'd brought it on with my selfishness. Am I being selfish wanting a girl? Is this karma catching up with me?

If you give us the name and address of that person I'll fly over the pond and kick that person in the shins!!
I'm not serious.....but I would consider it because that is the most ridiculous thing anyone has ever said.
If that person is concerned about karma they should be concerned about what it will do to them when it comes back around because that is a horrible and completely uncalled for thing to say and they have some mean karma coming their way.

[Thorz300]

Northern, I don't know how I missed this post! I hope you are
having better days! You are a strong woman going through something most people cannot imagine or relate to. Allow yourself to feel the emotions you need to feel, but for sure try to address the sadness of your son in how you see fit, I'm sure he too is struggling to adjust to the loss of his sister and the sadness of his parents! I'm still so sorry for your loss! I'm hopeful for your ttc journey!