Why I'm not finding out

[tm29]

We went to our 20week scan today - I'm 19+4 - and we decided not to ask the sonographer to confirm or to contradict what we were told at 14 weeks. I reacted really badly to being told at 14 weeks that I was having a girl, and when I posted the shot on GD a lot of people said 'GIRL!' too and I felt like they were all confirming it. What I never took into account is the fact that the scan pic I posted does indeed look like a girl shot - but that doesn't mean there couldn't have been another shot taken at 15 weeks which looked like a boy. I know the angles don't change - but they are very hard to judge, and scrotal sacks can drop at different stages and probably wouldn't have by 14 weeks.

The whole experience has been awful and I would never recommend a gender/sexing scan before 16 weeks to anyone. You get thrown into needless uncertainty. I had a very experienced NHS Ultrasound technician agree with this 100% today. She said they regularly make mistakes at 20 weeks too. And yes she was qualified and certainly did know about nub theory! She told me to forget the results of the 14 week scan - and I am going to try.

One thing all this made me feel strongly is that we need to be gentle when people post their scans on here. Sometimes there is huge vulnerability and hope behind the question 'boy or girl? Please don't respond to this by telling me about angles and percentages - there are still plenty of mistakes made.

[mommymachine]

Ok, PLEASE DON'T TAKE THIS RUDELY. It's a honest question with no negativity behind it, but what do you mean by gently? I'm just asking because a lot of women come on here asking what their baby is and how else can you answer by saying either boy! Or girl! ?? Again please know I'm asking so I can be more sensitive to people in the future and not because I'm trying to be rude.

[tm29]

I guess if someone announces the fact they want one or the other gender or you have reason to suspect they might, or if the scan picture is pre-20 weeks. After my experience I would never just say "BOY! congrats!' to someone - when I have no idea if thats what they'd be hoping to hear.

[wilma_five]

Well.....if someone asks a question like "can you tell me the gender?" or "Am I having a pink or blue bundle inside?" then they want to hear "boy" or "girl". Most people already know it's not a professionel guess and there is a lot of room for error. They just want to know what other people think of the scan.
'Looks blue' 'thinking pink' 'girl' 'boy' In the end they all hurt if you really had your heart set on the opposite. Most of us can totally relate to the pain that's called GD and want to support you as much as they can! All the ladies on here or just lovely and if you really have a little girl in there we are all here for you, for comfort and help with maybe a boy sway or going HT in the future (or whatever you have in mind offcourse).

(my english is not so good so sorry for the errors in the text)

[tm29]

Thanks wilma_five - that's really sweet. I know everyone is lovely on here and I know everyone understands hoping for a girl or a boy... It's just that a one word reply, or a teddy bear of either blue or pink doesn't necessarily convey a lot of empathy. 'I think this is likely to be a girl but I'm not a professional and if you need support we're all here' is a very different kind of reply

[nuthinbutpink]

You asked a question on a public forum viewed 500,000 times a month. If you ask "what is it", we are going to answer. It's that simple. Nobody is rooting against you but when you ask and we think we know, we will answer you.

I'm sorry it wasn't the gender you wanted to hear. Of course at 14 weeks anyone can be wrong but when YOU keep bumping the post and asking and asking for more opinions, the people will give them to you!

If you don't want to know, the best thing to do is NOT post your u/s scan and do not ask the public what they think. Nobody here has done anything wrong. I understand why you are upset and disappointed but you are directing that at everyone here and it's not our fault for answering your posts.

[oxox2013]

I am sorry that this has been a tough situation for you. I completely get not finding out because you are scared to hear what you dont want to hear. I have this debate with myself almost daily. One day I am definitely going to find out so I can start preparing one way or the other, and the next day I am not finding out because I know I will love the baby unconditionally at birth then I can fore-go all the GD I am likely to suffer if this baby is another boy.

However, this babies sex has already been determined and nothing is going to make that change. Not finding out simply because you are scared that people on this website already confirmed what you didnt want to hear seems off to me. I hope you dont take that the wrong way, because I am all for going team green, but it doesnt seem like you really want to be team green! It seems like you just dont want to hear what you are afraid you already know. I hope things work out for you in the end and you know that there are people here that can and will offer support and kind words if/when GD rears its ugly head! Nothingbutpink is right, these ladies were only trying to do what you asked of them!!

[retrolove1]

Many post the scans because they want to know what others think, if they didn't then they wouldn't post it in the first place. I can't wait to be able to hopefully share my nub scan photo with everyone- if only i got a bfp.
Also we are all gender dreaming here and are all in the same boat and we all want one thing the same which is a healthy baby regardless, so what ever the sex many be I think that deserves a congratulations.

I really hope that you get your healthy baby boy but if not then I know you will love it all the same.

Good luck and looking forward to hearing the good news in a few months.

Xx

[meeks32]

I am really sorry you have had a hard time and had worry over the early scan guesses. I think this is a situation where, if you want people to treat their replies carefully, you need to ask for it. When I post mine I will want honest replies and am happy with straight "girl" or "boy" guesses, but everyone is different. If you mention what your hopes were, that you feel delicate about it, and can people please be gentle with their replies, then of course we will all oblige. We are all here because we hope for a particular outcome and all understand GD.

[tm29]

meeks32 - I absolutely did mention my hopes when I posted.

But I really didn't just say this about me. I see it on others' posts. I think if someone asks and, like I did, expresses their hope, then I will make sure to say something gentle - not just 'GIRL! CONGRATS.'

No one has done anything wrong - I'm really not saying that. And I know that the real pain comes from not hearing what you want to hear, but I still think that we can make sure there is a sense of gentleness in the response. There is often no gentleness from doctors/nurses who don't understand the feelings after all. But everyone on this site does understand the feelings. This is not just a complaint about my own experience - I see that some of you have read it that way - I guess it's a deepening understanding of an issue I had no idea existed before I got pregnant and found this site. I'm learning and I want to find ways to be gentle to people who go through GD. I think every little bit of kindness counts to people in the thick of GD. That's what I'm learning from my experience - yes - but also from the experiences of so many other lovely women on this site. This isn't just a personal rant - it's that I see a way for us to be more supportive, more careful with each other and I wanted to say it because I know it will be understood by a group of kind women.

[deaks66]

I think when people say girl congrats, they are actually trying to show you sympathy by trying to be positive for you. It would be worse if they said girl, so sorry for you. At the end of the day we all gamble with gd but whatever bean chooses to stick is still a wonderful thing even if we are initially disappointed. Ive been there (twice) and no amount of gentleness really makes any difference and personally i think its better for people to be upfront with their guesses rather than make a biased guess based on your desire... which does happen. Not necessarily on this site but it does happen.

[ELP]

Please also remember op that some of the ladies guessing for you may have gone through agony to hopefully get the guesses your getting, so for them the words girl! Congratulations! is actually breaking their heart, their not being mean :)

[harleyquinn]

Personally, I will always answer with a blue or pink bear from now on forth.

You JUST CAN'T win and I seriously know what men feel like sometimes ;)

Last week, I thought I very empathetically offered some support for hearing the "wrong" gender, a nice "xo" and "sorry if it wasn't what you wanted to hear" and I got yelled at that for that...even after reading multiple GDish posts....I dunno.

Its best to stick with the bear and a congrats!

[hotdogz&boyz]

The thing is is that is impossible for any one of us (guessers, fellow GD or Gender-hopeful mamas) to know where someone sits on the GD spectrum. Some women want their baby rejoiced with a congrats regardless of gender. Some would prefer condolences, some want guesses to be straight forward and easy to read, some want more gentle responses. Saying "I am hoping for a boy" beforehand obviously gives some clue as to the gender hopes. But doesn't tell me if you want me to say just "girl" or "girl, so sorry" or "girl, hope your GD is short-lived" or "girl, what a blessing" or "girl, delighted for you." Etc, etc, etc.

I certainly try to be my gentlest. And am here to support anyone either suffering from GD, in the process of trying to sway, or any other variation of what brought them here.

But in all honesty, if you can't handle the guesses, it might be best to not post the picture at all. We can't change the outcome of the scan. Or change the gender of your baby. If you really find that seeing a pink bear is killing you, it might be best to remove your post and take time to heal instead of asking for more guesses. In the end, we are 99% amateurs guessing at these sonogram pictures. We can absolutely be wrong, wrong, wrong. But it's not really on us to not only guess on the scan but also on the posters emotional ability to handle the responses. Unless they are explicitly stated...and I have seen them as such.

I am so incredibly sorry that you are struggling with the beast of GD and that the posts in here might have added to it. I hope you come to the peace you are striving for.

[Mulberry Smurf]

I know what you are saying and sorry you were upset - hope that you come to terms with the baby's sex soon. Xx

[black&gold]

I know what you are saying. I've seen so many nub posts recently where it seem like the people either don't really know, but just say the gender they think the person wants to hear - which raises hope when it shouldn't fully be raised, or some come off super confident and it can be hurtful if you are really hoping for something. Let's face it, most of us on here aren't experts and we're just randomly guessing based on things we've seen in the past so it can be a big roller coaster for some people! I don't think anyone on here is ever meaning to come off rude or insensitive.. I think that just happens and maybe people sometimes don't think how their response sounds. I know I personally always say what I *think* it is and why.. and then mention that I am no expert what so ever so I hope they get what they are wanting. I can see where you are coming from for sure, but also from experience on forums I've learned that if you don't want controversial responses to just not ask the questions because people will always let you down - especially if you are overly sensitive to the topic at hand - which GD is for sure one of those for many people. I'm sorry you didn't hear what you wanted, and you certainly aren't alone - plenty have been hearing opposites these days and each time its sad to see! xo