Fears about being a mom of two boys

[lemonade]

I am 10 weeks pregnant, and I want to just vent my worries about being a mom of two boys, in case I turn out to be one.

My aunt had two sons, and they were the only brothers I had much exposure to growing up on a regular basis. They hated each other. They got into physical fights constantly, were gross, and on top of that they were downright mean. They would make horrible comments about my appearance when I was at my most insecure, always calling me fat (when I wasn't). They didn't turn out so well either. The younger one, while popular, turned out to have a learning disability then died unexpectedly of a drug overdose five years ago. The older one has undiagnosed Aspergers and is so antisocial, misogynistic and "off" that I could imagine him being a serial killer. Yes, that bad. So, basically horrible examples of brothers growing up. But that's all I knew.

On top of that, I'm picking up on my dad's subtle preference for a girl granddaughter this time. When we talk about the baby maybe being another boy, he brings up my cousins as a warning. When I said "if this one is a boy, who knows, I might get a girl next time" he said "but you might not, and then you'd have three sons. Think about that." My dad is worse than me! I can't believe he's actually playing up my fears. Thankfully my mom hopes it's a boy so my son will have a playmate, although they are both now convinced I am having a girl for some reason and "happy" about it, which is definitely jumping the gun. I might have to "disappoint" them in a couple weeks. I'm considering not even telling them at all, maybe keeping it a surprise until birth.

My third concern is jealousy. I know it's ridiculous, but I can imagine being incredibly hurt if my friends with toddler boys find out they are having a girl next. Like someone punched me in the gut. These strong feelings scare me. I don't want to deal with even the slightest look of pity from anyone.

I want to just love this baby, no matter who he/she is, and I know I will. But having two sons and no daughters, exactly like my unlucky aunt, is just not something I ever pictured. I need some reassurance.

[I Love Ladybugs]

Don't fear two boys...they can and will be amazing, but I bet you something....

You are preggo with a girl!!!!! Everyone I know around here who is on their second baby has had an opposite of their first. I am close to finding out if I am going to cuddle up to my third boy at Christmas within 3.5 weeks or if I do get the opportunity to raise both genders. I am choosing to keep my family and friends in the dark for a while after I find out gender, because I realized how tough it was to deal with the comments the last time around. I am quite lucky in that I know a whole range of 2-3 brothers, both young and grown that are amazing boys and men! It gives me hope that I can do an amazing job of raising my boys to be good men!

I do hope that you hear pink, but if you hear blue......don't be green or blue...they will be the golden boys of your heart!!!

[Soar]

I totally understand your fears but wanted to say as a mom of 2boys I love these 2 to pieces. They play so well together and we are always reminding them how lucky they are to be brothers and they are best friends. Not should be or will be but ARE best friends. They will mark the world together. It's a mindset and its important to me to remind them of that. 2 boys are loads of fun. I also have unpleasant examples of adult brothers so I am totally sympathetic to your fear but bc you are aware you can give them the reminders they need to be healthy adult brothers and most importantly men! But you may have a daughter on the way! Either way you will be great bc you are already thinking about the future and how to shape healthy adults!

[hotdogz&boyz]

I am SO sorry that your only experience with brothers is such a horrible one :( No wonder you fear having two boys.

But I am here to tell you...that is the oddity, not the rule. I know MANY brother pairs (my husband and his brother and my two brothers being two of them) that are so awesome, it made me delighted to give my older son a brother when we had number 2.

My brothers are best friends. For real. They are 22 and 26...they work together, live together, and share cars (tons of them...it's what they love to do). They enjoy similar hobbies and share 90% of their friends. They are crazy-different in almost every way (personality, looks, life experiences), but I think it helps them be able to spend all of their time together without killing each other. I mean, how many grown men can share a townhouse (both have girlfriends and are very social, so you don't think they are weirdos ;) ) and have no desire to have their own space from their brother? It is truly an amazing relationship. My younger brother is the only person on earth who can pull my other brother out of his funk (he is moody). They really "needed" each other in this world.

My husband and his brother, while both being married and living their own lives, are really close. I mean, guys tend to have a sense of bravado around their guy-friends. But it's a brother who you can let your guard down with...they know everything about you and still think you are pretty great. KWIM?

And my boys are adorable together. While obviously still young, I greatly enjoy watching their interactions with one another. My little guy adores his big brother and wants to be just like him. They do fight, but that is normal. It's not normal for brothers to be that mean (like your cousins). That is how they were raised, and it sounds like there were some serious issues happening in that family that might have explained some of that untamed behavior.

Don't be afraid of brothers :) But obviously a girl can be great too! It's tough when your family has a preference...especially if it tends to encourage your preference even more. They will adapt either way though. I do, however, hope you get your desire!

[isis]

i understand your fear. I am the same way.

I lie and tell people that i WANT a brother for my son. When really I want a daughter. I just don't want to go around saying I want a daughter and then if I were to have another boy ... I don't want them to pity me.

[Dana-Alicia]

Your cousins are an exception. They are/were dealing with mental issues, either born with it or raised in a certain way that has caused problems for them. But I really think having brothers (or sisters) is such a blessing to much children. My sons adore eachother and they are almost 4 years apart! My eldest thinks his baby brother is cute, even when he bites his toes! And the baby just adores his big brother, like he's a super heroe. if this is your second son in there, you may experience sadness, but once he is here you'll be so happy. You can always consider HTnext time if you fear your GD will be extreme. It's really helped me, just to think I have a good shot at a daughter one day.

Oh and for parents who fear problems between siblings, I can really advice anyone to read 'siblings without rivalry' it's such an eye opener to how we as parents have a huge role in how our kids get along. You really do have more controll over things then you think, it will be fine, boy or girl :)

[missmegrn]

Although I have 2 dds, I do understand your fears, but at the same time agree with the above posters as well. My dds are 19 mon apart. I couldn't ask for a better relationship for the two of them. Even at such a young age, they are so close and care for each other so much. I only hope this will continue as they get grow older and experience so many of life's experiences together. Whatever you are having, you will be a great parent to them as well. As you already see the behaviors you are trying to avoid, and you can shape and mold your children into the wonderful/beautiful children you would like them to be.

[Mrs_P]

i understand how your feeling but there is no guarantee if you have a girl they would get on - i HATED my brother growing up, really really loathed him - we get on ok now but my poor poor mom we used to fight all the time.

On the other hand my boys are the best of friends - right now my eldest two are on the floor jabbering away playing lego and i know in 10 mins i will have a fight on my hands to separate them as ds2 has to go to bed. I worried about introducing another one into the mix but all three really have bonded well. Maybe your cousins were just one of those personality clashes? I have always encouraged my boys being close but they really are lost without each other - yes they have their moments but on on the whole their good boys.

No idea how our little girl will fit but will always be so pleased my boys have each other - i always wanted my son to have a brother

[myrainbowgirl]

I agree with the above post that said the relationship your cousins had is the exception, not the rule. I have 3 boys. My older two fight a lot, but truly they are best buds! And they both ADORE their baby brother.

If you have two boys, do not assume their relationship will be a struggle. I think if you expect it to be good and guide them along, especially through the fighting, they will love each other! I make my boys hug and say they love each other after a fight. And I think they really do!

Good luck!

[grettasurfergirl]

I COMPLETELY understand where you are coming from! My mom made several comments when I was pregnant that she was SO happy that I was a girl when I was born and what a relief etc (my grandmother did the same thing to everyone as well) so when I found out I was having a boy, I felt like I had let people down, including myself. I got pretty bummed out about it. Thing is, what I didn't know, is that when he was born it couldn't have mattered less that he was a boy, he is amazing in every way! And of course my mom loves him to pieces.

I'm also terrified of having two boys and wonder if people pity me. But the next time I get pregnant I'm not going to find out what gender I'm having. That way there are no expectations and no comments to deal with. When I give birth it wil be a wonderful surprise and I will be so grateful and blessed either way. I think it's all the anticipation and expectation of how something will be because we see it from an outside perspective, but when it actually happens it's so different.

I bet when you meet your amazing baby #2 it won't matter in the least what they turn out to be! You will love them regardless and there are certainly advantages and disadvantages to either gender.